Jaded1999

Coming up to 5 months sober this month, I attend AA have a sponsor and all. I'm single, 31 and have no social life at all lol. I find life really boring lol. I'm back studying at the moment, go to the gym 6 nights a week, I surf and practice martial arts. So I keep busy.

I got divorced, lost the house, job and wife of course a few years ago and went to hell and back with my drinking (6 detoxes and a 4 month rehab). So there is no doubt i'm an alcoholic. But it sucks. Summer is here which usually means parties, clubs and the beach.

When I'm sober i'm pretty shy and introverted and really find it hard to communicate and have genuine fun with people. When I drank I was the opposite and a really happy nice drunk, even my ex wife would tell me to have a drink sometimes because my mood would change we could chat and have a laugh.

I just find being sober kinda sucks... I'll keep at it though.

Just venting a little.

Cheers guys

Gottalife

Hi Shaun, if you are working the steps your life will change. If you are still on the wrong side of step four, you'll be starting to feel it.

A lot of folks seem to attend AA for what they can get out of it, and have a sponsor pretty much for the same reason. They don't seem to grasp that AA is a give program. The trick is to get in to it not just go to it. If they are waiting for someone to say something that will change their life - they are gonna have a long wait.

If you completely give yourself to this simple program, including working with others on a daily basis, life will get so much better it will be hard to believe.

FeelingGreat

Hi Shaun, I understand what you're saying. I tend to avoid social occasions, not so much for the drinking as for the fact that I'm not drinking and find it hard to have fun sober. Underlying depression I think.
Anyway I'm shamed by your list of activities and I'm sure things will get better for you.
Just a thought, but how about doing some adventure trip where the adrenaline is pumping?

Jaded1999

Yeah, thanks mate. Doing step 4 at the moment struggling with the 'character traits' will see my sponsor tomorrow about it! I think there is a little bit left in me that wants to go out and 'party' again. I know I can't tried to have a few drinks on a Sat night on my last drunk, drank almost a whole bottle of vodka that night 'alone'... Threw up in the morning and reached straight back for the bottle (lasted a week).

"If you completely give yourself to this simple program, including working with others on a daily basis, life will get so much better it will be hard to believe."

Can you please elaborate on this? How can I work with others on a daily basis when i'm really shy with people? Just do it I guess?

Jaded1999

Underlying depression might be a problem but I think I just have no confidence and very low self esteem atm... I really hope that changes. The adrenaline pumping part sounds awesome to me I'll give anything a go!!

hypochondriac

Speaking as a former and now occasionally shy and introverted person, alcohol did diddly squat to help me in that department. It is true that alcohol may help you 'loosen up' in social situations but the chances are that you'd be talking complete BS and possibly risk making a tit out of yourself. Alcohol didn't make me more sociable it just made me not care.

It sounds like you are in the ideal situation to learn to overcome your shyness the proper way Shaun, what with your studying, AA and all your activities. I bet you're a really happy nice sober person too but you just need to adjust to it a little x

MrsKing

Alcohol made me 'open up' and 'gave me confidence' - it gave me a false sense of security that made me dance alone on a dance floor, and tell my secrets to strangers. I thought it was wonderful that I was finally not shying away from social situations, but the next morning I would always wake up full of regret - "why did I say that?" "what the hell was I thinking?"

It took me a long time to get used to who I really am, because for years alcohol had influenced who I thought I was... and now I've realised that I used alcohol for confidence, happiness, a sense of belonging, I've had a lot of work to do on accepting who I am for who I am, now that I don't have alcohol to change my personality.

It's a huge change... going from the drama and chaos that alcohol provides to a quiet, simple life, but you do get used to it, and like me, you'll probably learn to love it and embrace it and realise that it's a much more satisfying way to live.

Zube

Shaun-

I self medicated with alcohol for 25 years. After the pink cloud of sobriety wore off I discovered that I was clinically depressed. Saw a doctor about it, and was prescribed an antidepressant that make be more balanced.

What I learned, and how's this for an "alkie brain" like mine...is that when my brain produces serotonin, which makes us feel good, my neurons gobble up that serotonin about 5 to 10 times quicker than the "normie brain". Therefore, I get tired quicker, bummed out quicker, etc. What I find fascinating is that my neurons act the same way as I did when I drank. Drink as much as I can, as quickly as possible- if there were a case in the room with 4 people I'd drink 12, they'd have 4 each. My brain is the same way with drugs...MORE-MORE-MORE!!!

IMO, I'd see my doc. I normally have a lot of fun in sobriety with other AA's. We are not a glum lot!

Peace,
Zube

tomsteve

i found int he 4th and 5th steps i wasnt shy. i was afraid of what everyone else thought of me due to low self esteem. by workin all the steps, that has changed.

Zube

Sorry, see my doc AND AA, AND Step work.

Peace out,
Zube

Boleo

When I am spiritually fit, I feel peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose. This feeling not only keeps thoughts of drinking out of my head, it keeps all thoughts of suffering out of my head at the same time.

The truly amazing thing about it is, it works in spite of outside circumstances. I can have a really bad day and end up feeling good at the end of it, if I am practicing these principles in all my affairs. Then again, I can have a perfect day and be discontented at the end of it, if I am not doing due diligence.

Abstinence is not-drinking and feeling bad about it.

Recovery is not-drinking and feeling good about it.

paul99

"happy" drunks don't lose the things you mentioned and go to detox and rehabs over and over. I found that I had to smash the illusion that I could drink like normal people and stop romanticizing how things were in the past, if I want to lead a life of joy and meaning.

Being in the world and being with others in a different way is new to us. It doesn't happen overnight. As mentioned by a few great replies here, it's the internal condition that matters, not the external. If I am centered, connected and at peace with things in my internal world, then that translates to the outside world. So doesn't matter where I am, or who I am with, or what's going around me, I am able to take it in through the filter of my own serenity and new perspectives.

Sobriety isn't about not being able to drink and missing it. It's about a new way of life , a new way of approaching life. When I am comfortable in my own skin, I am able to talk to others, to share a laugh, to listen. It takes time, and you're not going to jump out a cake and be this chatty, gregarious person. We are still learning who we really are...at least I am!

Be patient. Find other ways to enjoy summer. Not every summer (or any season) thing has to do with drinking. You're just seeing it through those glasses.

Hope today finds you in a better space!

sugarbear1

Those 12 steps changed my perspective on me.

I am comfortable in my own skin, I found I am no longer self-centered (step 5 revealed to me that my shyness was really my self-centeredness) as I was before. Introverted, not so much, although I still enjoy quiet alone time; but today I find other people quite intriguing!

It was about being able to live life without drinking, now this has been a challenge, one that continues today.

Life is so much MORE without drinking!

p.s. Find out where the Young People in AA meetings are in your area!

TSDD

Yeah, sounds like you were the life of the party....whatever will you do for fun now?

Seriously, bro. I'd encourage you to take a really honest looking at what the end of your drinking was like (not the golden days of yesteryear) but what really got you to decide to quit.

For me I felt that way for a long time, like I was somehow missing the boat on something good in drinking. Sober time and honesty about my track record with drinking was the cure for those thoughts in me.

Gottalife

Well, you're going to need a little courage. Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

Some things you can try is to get a job in your group, coffee, cleaning, greeting, litterature, birthdays - all these jobs are working with others. You can make it your business that any newcomers you see are welcomed, shown where everything is, introduced around, given a coffee and made to feel comfortable, you can go and say hello to anyone standing alone after a meeting. Ask them how they are, try to be a good listener. Arrive early and help with the set up. Stay late and help. Use some of those phone numbers you have collected, it will give the people you call a real lift if you call them. You don't have to dump all your problems on them, just call to say hi. Then maybe your group goes for coffee after the meeting, if you get the chance go with them. My favorite social activity is to go for a coffee with a bunch of sober alcs, especially if i haven't met them before. I just always enjoy their company.

I know it's not easy, if it was we wouldn't need the program. But hopefully you can find one or two ideas above that you can try. It's all about getting out of self. All the best!

Jaded1999

Thanks for the replies everyone, seen my sponsor and wen't to a meeting tonight. .

TrixMixer

Both post edited by me:


Hi Shaun,

I absolutely understand how that go's. It is very good though that you have a year to be with "your true self", if nothing else you learned you were stronger than you ever thought you could be. That takes a huge amount of courage.

I think what Zube has said is very important. Depression and social anxiety are some of the reasons we self medicate by drinking. Our neurotransmitters are misfiring and we drink the alcohol to feel better about ourselves.

When I was drinking I was the life of the party, could walk into any group of people and feel absolutely in total control of the situation. Getting sober made me reclusive, unsure of myself, saying stupid things, and wanting to kick myself for being such a jerk.

So I began reading everything about alcoholism and found what Zube found, I was depressed and the alcohol did the same thing for my chemical brain in
balance as an antidepressant.

it is MOO every alcoholic should have a psych evaluation once they become sober . the sooner the better. I believe very strongly that alcoholics have an undiagnosed chemical imbalance that makes alcohol so seductive--it is there only medication for this condition. I would venture to guess if you took all the recovering alcoholics and they were seen by a psychologist 90% of them would have an underlying chemical imbalance of serotonin (that feel good chemical).

I drives me crazy when I think of all the heartache that could be avoided if we had just gone to a professional counselor or psychologist before we fell into the hopeless hole of alcoholism.

Again this is only my opinion. I would never assume to know what alcoholics feel, each is different. But I think Zube is where I have been and once the antidepressants kick in (a month) suddenly your comfortable in your own skin again.

Well at least that worked for this CAT.

aasharon90

5 months sober is definitely nothing to
sneeze at. Ever single day sober for any
alcoholic is a huge accomplishment.

In my mind and how I understand being
an alcoholic is, we begin life sober as an
infant born into a recovery program,
the beginning of a new life without a
controlled substance in our bodies.

An infant is pure, new, with no experiences
of life. Just laying there dependant on a
loved one to hold it, care for it, nurchuring
it(him or her) for food, love, affection,
teaching.....Each new day it grows with
what it is feed so freely from the love around
it until it is strong enough to begin to crawl,
then walk and stand on its own.

An alcoholic is born as a baby freely learning
from those around him or her how to crawl,
then walk with the steps provided to them
within a program of recovery. They grow
slowly each day becoming stronger, healthier,
to begin building a foundation in recovery
to live upon.

The knowledge learned in recovery in then
carried on to others who are just being born
with their first day sober. It is I who has become
responsible in recovery to be a nurchuring
member to guide them along in their journey.

Just as a child beginning grade school, they
begin to form little friendships in which are
carried on into high school, maybe college
and life. These friends come and go, old ones
lost, new ones gained throughout life.

In recovery, we have a whole new set of
friends we gain within the fellowship of
our program so that we dont have to travel
along on our recovery journey alone.

We didnt instantly gain a whole bunch
of school friends when we were born, but
gained them each day we met at school,
parties, classes etc. So is it with recovery.

It takes time to make those new friends
in recovery each day we sit by them in
a meeting, a hand shack or over coffee,
a game of golf, walking, riding, chatting.....

Don't be hard on urself but rather be kind,
gentle, accepting, patiant, and wonderful,
awesome, rewarding gifts in recovery will
come to you the longer you remain sober.

cfm

When I was 1 year sober I called my grandmother. I said " Hey Gram, I been sober a year now and people aren't treating me right. She said " I"m 81 years old and they're not treating me right either.

Ragamuffin

Things will fall in to place. Sounds like you have a pretty awesome schedule. 5 months sober is wonderful and congratulations This is a time for YOU.