2 and a half weeks sober and obsessing about relapse fears (long)
 

I got out of inpatient rehab on Monday and have been feeling really good. I have not had any cravings, and was feeling like I could actually quit this time. I met with an addiction counselor today, and plan to meet with him weekly. We talked about relapse scenarios and at first it didn't bother me, but then I obsessed about it all the way home, eventually spent the last 15 minutes of the 45 minute commute just crying.

One of the reasons that I moved from "a drinking problem" to a full blown alcoholic who had no control was that I hurt my back in Feb 2010. Nothing the doctors could give me did much of anything for the pain (including liquid oxycotin and liquid methadone). My drinking too much occasionally became a bottle of wine per night because it was the only thing that made the pain stop. I was prescribed medical marijuana in Dec 2010, but I didn't like the feeling of getting high. However, the pharmacy sold a tincture that had no THC in it, only the canabanoids that help pain. You can take it all day and not get high - it would be the equivalent of smoking hemp. I used this regularly and eventually had surgery for my back - but I was already addicted to alcohol so even though I didn't need it for the pain anymore, I couldn't stop.

Since surgery, I have had a few occasions where I overdid it and my back pain came back for a period of time. I used the tincture and of course drank. Tonight with my therapist we talked about what would happen if the pain came back again - what strategies did I have to prevent the pain from making me relapse? My first answer was that I could rely on the tincture. Then he asked if I knew how it was prepared.

Of course. They soak weed in alcohol and then strain the weed out. As soon as I got to the word alcohol in the sentence I realized what the problem was. Using the tincture could trigger a relapse by itself.

Now I am freaking out. I feel like I am doomed to relapse. Right now I have so much resolve, feel very supported, feel like I am doing all of the things I need to do to stay sober. But the next time my back acts up again (it would be naive to think it never will again, based on previous history) I know that I cannot stand the amount of pain that causes, and I have no answers as to how I will cope with that without drinking.

I know this is a what if situation, and I know I am obsessing. But right now I am feeling extremely discouraged, because I truly feel that its not if I have back pain again, the reality is when I have back pain again - what will I do? Right now, even with all of the resolve and hope that I left rehab with, I feel that I could not stop myself from relapsing. Thanks for listening.

You aren't doomed to relapse unless you let yourself feel that you are doomed to relapse. You obviously have a lot of support and tools at your disposal, and you seem to really want this. Remember that just because you think something, it doesn't make it so.

I feel that much of what you say is medical in nature. It's a pain control issue. Is there anything else they can give you for it? I imagine there is a lot of information and support out there for back problems like yours. It could be worth checking out, but certainly talk to a doctor first.

Good luck :)

I can definitely relate. I constantly would experience fears of preemptive relapse. They were definitiely looming over me. And they happened. It was, however, because I wasn't being honest with myself nor my sponsor or program to do what I had to in order to stay sober.

My advice would be to take your program and work even harder at it. That is the only wy to guarantee it not happening. Get out of yourself and help others. If you are thinking about others and not your own situation, you won't find time to worry about relapse, and before you know it you will no longer be having these thoughts.

That is my experience with relapse fears.

Ok, I'll bite, what the hell is an addiction counselor???

A social worker or therapist who specializes in addictions...many are in recovery themselves...requires a special certification in most places to label yourself a licenses addiction counselor (DAC).

So the absolute ONLY thing that helps your back is weed pickled in alcohol?

If you believe the opinion that alcoholism is a manifestation of an allergy you might look at that particular "remedy" as something for which you have a drug allergy and start shopping around for alternative options.

I know people who manage pain with everything from opiates to accupuncture, so there are other options to consider.

Really the best news I can offer is that you don't have to worry about next month's pain today. All you have to do is make it until midnight without taking alcohol into your body and you're sober as a judge.