DoubleBarrel

There are a lot of threads about telling people you quit drinking, about how to tell people you don't drink, about sharing your recovery.

Ive been thinking about it a lot. Obviously with the holidays coming up, I will see relatives and friends that used to see me drinking. A lot.

I choose to just say nothing.

Its kind of a cop out, because I really don't want to discuss what a problem it was, and get in to all of that. Its embarrassing and in my mind counter productive.

But more importantly, I firmly believe that my word is worth exactly ****.
I announced with great fanfare eighteen years ago, that I was an alcoholic, and was quitting, (had quit) and disallowed booze in my house, and all that, and went right back out there until struggling the last couple years.

Numerous times I have told people that I quit. Again and again.

I feel like I'm done. But if I told me I quit, I would think, yeah, ok, whatever. See you drinking again at the next family function, like every other time.

So I will just do what I have to do. I hope to earn back the respect of the people I care about through action, and that will only take a long time.

pipparina

I've always been a firm believer that you don't need to announce your sobriety. You know in your heart whether you are doing this to leave yourself the out or not. Sounds to me you have good reason to be cautious about telling them. You'll show them just by not drinking.

paul99

There is wisdom in this.

I don't know how long it will take - might be less time than you think - but regardless, they will see a change in you, and not just not drinking at social / family functions. Quietly going about your business, doing what you need to do, helping others, showing your true good character...these are the things they will see and speak much more than any loud pronouncement could.

2granddaughters

If I tell folks I quit... and I stay quit... I won't let anyone down.

The only way I could do that was commit to AA.

All the best.

Bob R

mfanch

It's nobody's business but mine. If pressed..."hey why don't you drink?", I say that when I do, it's not pretty. They usually bust out laughing and leave me alone. However, I rarely get pressed as most don't notice or care.

DoubleBarrel

With all due respect, Bob, I was committed to AA, had a sponsor, worked the steps, made amends, all that.
In 2005.

This time is different.

Sarahgeek

To most people, if pressed, I say "oh I'm not drinking at the moment" like it's a diet or something. A bit dishonest, but it sidesteps the awkward questions. I generally presented as "fine" in social situations, most of my problem drinking taking place at home, in secret, and I don't relish explaining that one over and over...
Plus, I agree, the "big fanfare" approach feels phony.

TSDD

I found that in a social situation if people ask when I want to drink, they're not asking for my drunk-a-log, they're asking "are you thirsty".

I find that pro-actively asking for water, tea, coffee, and just having a drink of SOMETHING in my hand generally avoids the question entirely.

Often times problem drinkers will push the issue about why you're not drinking alcohol. Telling them "I had way too much last night" generally is something they can identify with and accept.

People who knew me what I was drinking don't offer me alcohol (17 years later they still don't) and really most of them were hiding theirs if they saw me coming before I quit drinking.

At the end of the night at a family or social function I don't need to tell anyone I'm not drinking. By comparison to when I was drinking it's very easy for them to spot the difference.

Fernaceman

Excellent thread, DB. Thank you.

God Bless.

Fandy

It's MY journey not their's...and i've found that people don't really care what i am drinking.

I don't make alcoholism the main focus of my life, daily yes here, but socially no, good grief, who walks around saying "Look at ME, i'm NOT Drinking!!!".

and actions speak louder than words.

I made such a big deal in my head about the first family holiday dinner where I was sober...I brought a bottle of seltzer with me and my SIL said, oh, I have that, you didn't have to bring it....(and i whipped a bag of teabags out of my purse too).

I was at a party over the summer...2 coolers...one with beer and wine cooler thingies and one with soft drinks and waters...the soft drinks and waters had to be refilled FIRST!

lots of people don't drink.

MidnightBlue

"Words are very unnecessary"

WildBilly

My experience is that 9 times out of 10 if I just ask for a soft drink when offered then its not questioned too much. With people I see on a regular basis it's eventually come out that I don't drink at all - I just say I don't enjoy it and prefer not to. With family when I first stopped I said I was going to try not drinking for a while, and over time it just became understood that I didn't do it any more.

Basically I prefer to say nothing, and the times when circumstances force me to say something I keep it as low key as possible. Its usually quickly forgotten: as a previous poster said, I've learnt that it's a much bigger deal in my head than it is in anyone else's.

lilyrosemary

a simple "no thank you" should suffice. sometimes, though, there's that one already half buzzed up person that makes a big deal out of a known drinker not accepting a drink. sometimes i say "well, everyone is allowed so many drinks in their lifetime, i have used mine up already"

bnstphnsn

Love it. Stealing this next time I'm interrogated.

Windancer

Fantastic post Double Barrel. Gracious!!
Actions speak louder than words and honesly you just articulated very clearly how Im going to deal with people this holiday...not gonna say a thing. Im just going to be sober.

DoubleBarrel

Yeah, have you ever noticed no one ever says, man I had nine cokes last night!
You'd sound like a maniac. Somehow you put rum in it, we don't think that's weird.

DoubleBarrel

These people, I have no tolerance for, they are drunk, and I know what that's all about.
I will literally say - wtf part of NO do you not understand?
Does the trick.

David 1

I have been sober for nine years and this is one aspect of sobriety that still kind of bothers me. I know that people notice that I don't drink and I wonder if they are thinking "is Dave an alcoholic"? Well, I know I am but I don't broadcast it, maybe I just hate labels.

The concept of earning back respect is very good doublebarrel, it took me probably 3-4 years of being sober to really earn back the trust of my family.

Dave

WildBilly

I'm pretty sure some of my colleagues at work must have wondered if I'm am alcoholic, and to be honest I don't mind if they do. I never mention it and I'm not sure how I'd react if one of them asked me directly, but in eight years at the same workplace (I was sober when I joined) its never happened.

Better to be seen as a sober alcoholic at this place than as the wrecked drinking alcoholic I was at the last one.

MIRecovery

The people that count already knew I was a drunk so when I quit they knew as well. Some of them are still holding their breath in terms of me staying sober. Others I will dodge but if they seem interested I will say I do not drink because it was killing me. That stops the conversation everytime.

I just do not care anymore about what people do or do not think. I am open because sometimes they are really asking. I have a problem and how did you stop?