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Going through so much (day 9)

Old 11-23-2012, 08:28 AM
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Going through so much (day 9)

Hello,

Well I swore I would never go through w/d again but it happened.

Long story short...my best friend died unexpectedly in early Oct. I went off the deep end. Right around that time I met a "charming" man (alcoholic/addict) who offered me this shoulder to cry on. He always seemed to have alcohol with and was putting it in my face. My choice of course...I wanted to escape all my pain and I nearly always accepted.

Fast forward...I have been getting beaten senseless by this guy while drunk. He always had some story about how I was doing it to myself but I knew deep within. He admitted to me about 2 weeks ago that he was waiting till I was passed out to basically do anything to me sexually but I would eventually "wake up and be loving it". Not true as I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I dumped him a couple of days after and decided in my infinite wisdom to cold turkey. Withdrawal kicked in hard.

My caregiver (i am disabled) insisted I see the doc or go to ER. So I bit the bullet and saw a doc. She immediately insisted I get hospitalized but I couldn't go as I have a dog so b/c I get meds daily with a caregiver 7 days a week she reluctantly agreed to let me detox at home.

Doc and caregiver as mandatory reporters (two black eyes, other injuries) both called Adult Protective Services so when that guy showed up I confessed everything. This guy will be having a restraining order served on him but the short holiday week has delayed it until Mon. So I am living in fear and have been advised as a pedestrian not to walk ANYWHERE until the order comes through.

I called the AA number and talked to a woman who was very rude in my opinion. She said "well surely you haven't been using the excuse that you've been getting beaten and raped as your excuse to drink. You wanted to drink". Well of course I wanted to drink but her comment shut me down. She went on to state that until I went to a meeting to prove to HER that I wanted recovery, she was refusing to help me. Bad taste left in my mouth for twelve step meetings right now...yet know I need support and want to attend. Just not safe to right now since he walks everywhere and most meetings are within blocks of his house. I will not call the AA woman ever again. I am already so ashamed of myself I sometimes feel like dying (though not suicidal so pls don't take that wrong).

Any thoughts?

~Kricket
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Old 11-23-2012, 02:52 PM
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I'm so sorry for all you've been through Kricket. That sounds horrible. I'm sure the tough love isn't helping either but it works with some people so I guess that's why that sort of stuff happens. Is there any meetings you could go to during the day? Not necessarily AA either, maybe an outpatient program... I know there are online meetings too, or you could look into something like Rational Recovery (AVRT).

Glad you're here anyway, SR is a great place for support too x
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Old 11-23-2012, 03:21 PM
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Blimey, sounds like you have been getting hit from all angles.

The coherence and structure of your message however, shows that while you may be feeling very low, you are also not out of control and are treating things in a very considered and decent fashion, which is the best thing you can be doing for sure.

I do not have any advice for AA alternatives or anything like that, but please do continue posting and we will continue replying.
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:15 PM
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Thanks for the replies. Due to the grace of God I found an old schedule of mine with 3 other women's names on it. The one woman I did call is picking me up in about 10 minutes for my first meeting in a very long time. It's a closed meeting which makes me feel better. I feel very optimistic right now.

~Kricket
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by kricket68 View Post
Due to the grace of God I found an old schedule of mine with 3 other women's names on it. The one woman I did call is picking me up in about 10 minutes for my first meeting in a very long time..

~Kricket
That's fantastic...love those God Shots
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:33 PM
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OMG, I would like 5 minutes with that animal...

Glad you are bouncing back, hard. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. You keep trucking hard, you have great courage! We are here, draw your line in the sand and we will stand with you.

Blessings
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:50 PM
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I'm sorry that lady was rude, that was very unnessesary. I believe if you took the initiative to call that is a big deal. It sounds like you have been through quite alot. This choice that you are making to be sober is a great one. You can do it
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Old 11-23-2012, 11:46 PM
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I'm sorry that woman said that to you.

I have had people suggest to me that I drank because I wanted to.

My big book AA sponsor loved to tell me that.

I couldn't wrap my head around it.

It wasn't consistant with the big book...in my mind.

I thought it was harsh.

Some people are harsh.

She is just one person.

Don't let her words keep you from anything you desire.

I am sorry to read what happened to you.

No one deserves that.

I understand though that we do put ourselves in positions to be hurt.

It still doesn't excuse the abuse you encountered.

I hope things get better for you.

So happy to read you found a list, and reached someone! Yeah!
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