Dee74

Support as key for me claren...

it really helped to know however daunting the idea of not drinking was, I wasn't alone and I had support from people who had done this before.

None of us come out drinking from the womb - all of us have lived sober at some point...We just need to reconnect with that self we've forgotten

the fact I hadn't been sober for most of my adult life meant that stopping was scary - but the fear was far worse than the reality

You can do this - I know because I did it...and so have hundreds of others here.

welcome to SR
D

claren

Hi hypochondriac, can alcoholics drink a glass of wine like you did? Did you find that hard?
I'm trying to make sense of my drinking. I started drinking at an early age because I was so miserable and it made me feel better. I'm not physically dependent anymore.
My dilemma is am I an alcoholic ( disease model type) or have I been psychologically dependent to an extreme degree? My drinking never spiraled, it was always bad. Now I'm moderating. I guess what I'm picking up here on the threads is, does it matter?
I'm kind if quite clinical in my thinking.....
Thanks

choublak

I think you already know.

claren

Thanks Dee! Re conecting with myself is tough, because I was so unhappy as a child.
I'm trying to heal that misery, and alcohol did help. I am scared to let it go completely!
Your message makes a lot of sense - lots to think about!

claren

Hi Choublak. No, I really don't! I'm thinking about it so much now I'm starting to think I'm giving myself a problem. Not seeing the wood for the trees? Maybe. But if I do I'll chop em down. I just need to understand where I am. I'm very confused, when I was in rehab, I simply didn't drink as much as everyone else and that bothered me. In a good way for sure, and then in a confused way. I was in for two weeks.

ashamedhfa

One of the DSM-IV criteria for alcohol dependence...

(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use

Dee74

I had a rough childhood too - but the point is...I managed all that sober....there's an essential me that doesn't need to get drunk.

I've healed the misery too - by really working on the problems and the baggage I've carried for 30 years...

Drinkings not dealing with stuff IMO....it's avoiding any resolutions...it's running away.

If I drink to blot out things, I never grow...I never change...and I never deal with those open wounds....and they never have a chance to heal.

D

DAB

If you even question if you are an alcoholic or not, then you are.

dox

Forgive me, but that seems an odd reason to leave rehab early. The folks I know, including my sponsor, who left rehab early, said that it was because they thought they could do it themselves (control their drinking). I only know a few who went back and wound up, happily, in AA. Who knows what happened to others who left rehab early?

I'm not so sure about the alcohol scale. I think each of us has his/her own scale, just as we have our own getting off point. If you left rehab early because your drinking wasn't bad enough, will you go back when it is?

When I got married, I learned to moderate my drinking (and hide some of it). But, I couldn't stop drinking for any length of time -- like a week.

I didn't enjoy myself or the company of others when i was moderating my drinking. Do you?

~dox
alcoholic
.

hypochondriac

I think the physical dependence is a very small part of it in a way. Just a logical conclusion. I was like you, my drinking was always bad, and my attitude and obsession for alcohol was always unhealthy. I just remembered another one today... I used to not eat lunch at school so I could save my money for alcohol. I thought that was some sort of eating problem but actually I just wanted more booze!

Besides, the disease model allows for alcoholics to have a period where they drank 'normally' or socially and it became progressive. I have never been a good social drinker, but have had periods where I managed it under duress. If I was in a situation where my excessive drinking would not be acceptable I would drink very little. But I would make up for it when I got home. I think your extreme psychological dependence is the disease model of addiction.

To be honest though, we could argue semantics all day but the only thing that matters is what you do about it. You don't even have to believe in the disease model to recover from your drinking problem. For me I realised how bad I was when I finally noticed how much effort I went to to keep alcohol in my life. The idea that I had to somehow prove I was an alcoholic before I would even consider quitting drinking, in my opinion proved I was an alcoholic.

choublak

If you have to think about it at all, that should tell you something.

"Everyone else" had probably progressed farther than you. And I don't mean in the good way.

regeneration

Hello Clare, some of what you said reminded me of my drinking. I drunk from an early age (regularly from the age of 13). Drinking would go up and down, sometimes I'd substitute it with "recreational" drug use (until my 30s, then the drugs stopped). I was very miserable due to my childhood. My drinking went up at times to a bottle or two of wine on a sat/sun, during the week I'd maybe have a night or two off, rest of the week nights usually a couple of small glasses, or half a bottle of wine.

But I kind of knew that if I stopped drinking altogether my life would be better. And 8 months on it now is. It's painful at times as now I have to deal with "stuff" that I buried before but I'm very glad I did it. The constant torturing of trying to keep my drinking low and thinking "am I, aren't I an alcoholic" drove me nuts.

If you're asking yourself the questions maybe it's worth a shot to see... perhaps really try to stop for a few months at least and see how you feel (and get the support to do that... rehab/AA/Smart, whatever). It's only now I can see that my long term use of drugs and alcohol while maybe not always in huge quantities was pretty chronic.. removing that from my life has helped me start to move on from my past.

Gottalife

If you can stop or moderate, you are not like me. It's about two things, control and choice. If you have lost the power of choice in whether you drink or not, or if, when you drink you have little or no control over the amount you take, then you are probably alcoholic. Whether you can then stop on a non spiritual basis depends upon how far the disease has progressed.

SoberCAH

Claren-

I fought the bottle for many years before my drinking progressed from problem drinking to pathological drinking.

The years in between these stages weren't fun.

Why keep fighting it?

Take care,


CAH

llastchance8

Hi claren, after reading all the posts by you, it seems that you are very much convinced that you are not physically dependent. That means , you do not get Physical Withdrawal symptoms, if do not drink or drink less. For me, I found physical dependence as a big problem. Fear of not being Abel to sleep, irritation, discomfort etc. So , you are already one step ahead and and at a stage where you need to worry about psychological dependence. You said," I can't bare to not drink again..." and you fear not being able to drink. What is the actual fear ? Can you make a list of what will happen, if you do not drink , just for today ?

TrixMixer

Hi Hypochondriac,

I have edited you post for space and because this paragraph above pretty much says it all for me....and it should for Claren also.

Alcoholism is a disease of denial, and we alcoholics will throw everything against the wall hoping something will stick and convince us we are not ONE.
Here is the problem with your thinking, Claren--IMOO:

a) you are continuing to drink ( moderating, cutting back doesn't cut it)

b) you want someone to give you the answer you are looking for that will tell you you're an alcoholic ( let's face it is anyone EVER going to give you that answer) you will always find a loophole in their thinking.

c) You do not want to stop drinking if you don't have to ----(I mean if no one proves you to be an alcoholic, then it's ok to keep drinking.)

d) You say you have cut back to a bottle of wine a night (I dare say it is probably the cheapest wine you can buy, because I doubt you are drinking because you are a wine connoisseur)--anything will due

Here in lies the problem--when you drink for the high and not drink for the experience or taste of a fine wine or Scotch--well that pretty much says it all---you will drink ANYTHING for the sake of the needed high.

You know I also drank a bottle of wine a night, but that was because I passed out (or fell asleep to excuse it).
I will say the one way I knew I was addicted to alcohol was once I took that first sip, It had control of me, and I was powerless to cut it off.

Claren, there are different phases of alcoholism perhaps you are just in that 1st phase, I was in the 2nod when I sought sobriety . Before you go any further, go back to re-hab and don't think your not a drunk because others seem to drink more--Frankly I am amazed they allowed you to just leave like that.

Alcohol is too important to you for you NOT to be an alcoholic---there's you proof.

Face it now--we are all here for you, we have been where you are and know all the tricks---use us.