FenwayFaithful

I just sat outside the packie for a solid hour smoking cigarette after cigarette watching everyone come out with bottles of vodka, gin, 6 packs of beer, bottles of wine.
I want to go get a bottle of wine. 6 weeks ago a bottle of wine barely gave me a buzz so my thought process is if I just buy one bottle of wine I'll be fine. I'll get a buzz, nothing bad will happen. And I don't think there would be any immediate consequences if I drank tonight.
I'm thinking it's just tonight, like I've already gone 6 weeks without a single drop of liquor and I feel like I'm going to relapse at some point anyway so why not tonight?
My addict brain is saying you're freaking 24 years old, do you REALLY think you're NEVER going to drink again? At your wedding? With your girlfriends? Just limit yourself, control it. If you've gone 6 weeks without drinking, you can control it. Just learn when to say enough is enough.
I went to a speaker meeting today and the women reminded me a lot of myself and she discussed many of her relapses in detail. Then everyone else shared about all the relapses they had in early sobriety. And I'm like WTF why not, I mean everyone does it right? Everyone relapses, it wouldn't be that bad.
I keep remember the happy bubbly feeling of being buzzed and how if I can just achieve that then I'll be good. I'm trying to hold on to the fact that I'm going to hit 90 days in a few weeks, that I've been strong so far. That if I can just get through today then I can worry about tomorrow but... I just am so sick of never drinking "today" and then I get to thinking about like next week or next year and am I really going to be sober next year ?
I mean is this my life now? Sitting in the house alone every night because I can't have fun without drinking ? Because I don't have any friends that are sober and I don't even know HOW to develop a relationship anymore cos I'm so damn shy and socially awkward that I've always drank when I'm hanging out with new people ?
I know I'm sitting here planning a relapse. And justifying. I've read all my old posts but I keep telling myself that isn't who I am, that the girl posting that was chugging handles of vodka, that girl wasn't alcohol free for 6 days let alone 6 weeks.
Maybe it's because I've never gone this long before. Maybe it's because I can't exercise and I'm bored and lonely I don't know. But I want to drink. I feel like half of me has already made the decision but I turned around and walked home and didn't buy anything but I still don't feel like I'm out of the woods.
It's a craving sure but it's more then that. I just want to drink, just some wine, I don't know. Nothing crazy. My brain is saying what's the worst that can happen? It's just a bottle of wine, it's just tonight, it won't even get you drunk so why not?
I don't know what to do this craving is really different from others I've had. I think I'm just so caught up in the notion of never drinking again, and I just can't accept that I guess. Maybe I haven't accepted that I'm powerless. In fact I'd say I definitely have not.

Dee74

I can tell you for a certainty than one bottle of wine is not just one bottle of wine.

I'd quit for two months - I went out one night and decided to 'have a couple'....I didn't stop again for two years, and nearly died. No exaggeration.

It may not be fair, but drinkers like us play for high stakes FF.

If your life's not what you want it to be you can change that....it'll take a lot more work and patience than that bottle, but it will be worth it.

I hope you make a good decision today.

D

veryready

I did not have a drop for 7 years. That wasn't long enough. Here I am. Was 1 bottle ever enough? It would not be different now.

Hevyn

Hi Fenway. I didn't accept that I was powerless either. I drank for over 30 years. I clung to the idea that I could have a few now and then - but that never happened. I didn't drink just to get pleasantly relaxed - I drank to get numb.

I was sober for 3 years once. I felt so confident that I had everything under control. I thought all I needed was willpower to keep myself from going off the deep end again. One night, I allowed myself to have 'a glass' of wine. The glass turned into 7 glasses that night. The next day I didn't feel too bad, so I had more that night. Long story short - I got sucked right back into my old ways - and it was 7 years before I pulled myself together again. Thanks to SR - I made it back.

I'm proud of you for coming here to tell how you're feeling. That's what we're here for. I hope it helps to know you're not alone.

veryready

Hey and one more thing - if the red socks could win the world series, you can go one more day without drinking.

isinganyway

From one young quitter to another... you don't have to spend your nights inside. You do have to find new ways of dealing with your anxiety so you can reach out to others who are doing cool stuff healthily Hang in there! It's not worth it...

FenwayFaithful

Thank you everyone for the rapid responses. You have really helped

You're so right. Tonight will turn into tomorrow or next week or three days from now. If I drink tonight I know it'll be that much harder not to drink tomorrow.

And the point about the Red Sox is a very good one, lol if ANYTHING seemed absolutely impossible it was the Red Sox coming back to win after losing 3 straight games to the Yankees haha if that's possible, anything is.

I feel a little better after posting, reading responses, at least a little more level headed.

My healthy response to stress/cravings has been to go on a run, but I haven't been medically cleared for any time of exercise. I guess I'm just going a little stir crazy.

I feel less like drinking then I did 20 minute ago, so that's improvement. I know it wont be worth it to drink tonight. I know that's just going to make everything so much harder, and how easily "one more drink" can turn into 10 more and "one more night" can turn in to weeks.

I also know myself well enough to know that I would probably just keep drinking until I suffered another consequence. I'd keep justifying that it was under control BC nothing bad was happening. I don't want to keep having to learn the same lesson over and over and over again.

Hevyn

I remember that very painful world series, Fenway.

eveleivibe

Think of the withdrawal symptoms n how horrible they were. You never have to go through them again - AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DRINK! Because its never one n you know this deep down.
I know someone close who has given up for months decided to have 'one night of drinking' n then was back to their old drinking self.
Everyone relapses? If most ppl put their hand in the fire would you do it also?
If you knew a road was heading to a ditch with sinking sand, would you carry on driving that way? Because 'others drove down that road.'

Negative thoughts are loke evil magnets pulling you into the dark hole away from that beautiful blue sky.

Take care x

Fandy

it's powerful to walk away from the liquor store....you are in control

Hollyanne

Hi Fenway!!!!!!
I am so glad you didn't drink!!!!

I had a bottle of wine after two years abstinent.
I actually bought two, coz you know....
One and a half years later, my last drink of a very painful downward spiral was a bottle of brandy. Progression.

I will tell you this.
I am older than you.
I did not loose a job, partner, inheritance, farm, house, or licence.
I did not end up in jail, homeless, an institution or dead.
But! I did not accumulate money.
I did not meet a great partner.
I did not progress in my career.
I did not further my education. (I could have gone to an Ivy league college for free with work)
I do not own a house even though I earned good money for many years.

I didn't loose these things, but as a direct result of living as an ACTIVE alcoholic, I did not gain anything.
You are young.
I would like nothing better for you than for you to turn around after 20 years and have achieved all that you could possibly achieve. I mean, to be happy with all you have done with your life. Nothing to do with money. I mean LIFE. Happiness.
You just take one day at a time.
I will not drink today.
Tomorrow, repeat.
Did you ever hear the saying, "Youth is wasted on the young"?
It is so true. Please do not feel like you are missing out.
You are the winner!!!!!!

john44

Really! I've been in that position before and only remember once having the strength to walk away. Good for you, Fenway. Now just STAY away.

BoozeFree

I could totally relate to your post. It actually sounds exactly like what I've thought in the past. I'm also mid 20s and get thoughts time to time about being young and my friends all drinking ect. And I've also givin in and drank then woke up the next day super bummed that my cravings won and I was back to square 1. I've also thought I could control it and a couple beers turned into me back at several months of drinking. I can def tell you it won't be worth it. I don't have any sober friends either and am pretty shy now after the past years of isolating and self destruction but still glad to choose sobriety over being at a bar or house with old drinking friends.
Hang in there!

FenwayFaithful

I didn't even walk in the store. If I had let myself go in I don't think I would have walked out.

I just sat there

And I kind of HATED the people who walked out laughing with friends off to have a good Saturday night. Normal drinkers.

Why can't I be like that?

Then again I went out to dinner with a few friends last weekend and realized how stupid people act when they're drunk. I mean they say stupid things, get upset over nothing, hook up with anything that walks and just get kind of annoying.

So even "normal drinkers" do stupid things they probably regret when they drink so maybe I'm better off then they are.

I'm still having a hard time but reading all your posts is helping.

I feel like I'm probably stronger than I think I am and I just keep ASSUMING I'm going to relapse. I think that's my biggest issue that I think a relapse is inevitable. When really it doesn't have to be.

I still don't know if AA is right for me but I figure I should give things a try with a sponsor before saying it's not for me. I'm not very religious at all so the praying and all that is a bit of a turn off.

And the MOST depressing world series was 2003, I'm still kind of heart broken over it. True I was only like 14 but I got through THAT sober haha.

There's TWO store within walking distance from me one is legit a 3 minute walk, the other is about a 7 minute walk. It's hard living so damn close the temptation s always literally right there.

Hollyanne

Are you sure you read all your old posts Fenway???????
Come on, you know it sucks.
It may suck being bored, but boy are you going to be bummed if you drink tonight.
Don't you have a paper to write or something?
lol

Toss

Not to beat a tired drum, but I would love to be 27 again instead of 47. My life has not been bad, but it could have been alot more fulfuilling if I had stopped drinking 20 years ago.

Facing it now is tough, but regretting it 20 years from now can break your will.

Hang in there, stay strong!

Toss

Hevyn

Toss you are so right. I was in my 50's. Oh, to go back and do it all again without the booze.

tomsteve

" I mean everyone does it right? Everyone relapses, it wouldn't be that bad. "
no, not everyone does it and not everyone who does it gets sober again.

"I mean is this my life now? Sitting in the house alone every night because I can't have fun without drinking ?"
wouldnty ya be sitting in your house by yourself if ya drank?
dont ya think theres some personal responsibility about doin something about it?

fenway, this is what i think:
you arent sure if AA is for you, but ya related to the speaker you listened to today. when ya go back, open up and listen more. you will find many, many people you can relate to, and not just about the drinkin thing.

"I still don't know if AA is right for me but I figure I should give things a try with a sponsor before saying it's not for me. I'm not very religious at all so the praying and all that is a bit of a turn off."

AA isnt religious, it is spiritual. you wont find a bible, tanakh, quran,torah or any other religious book at an AA meeting. now, there must be something that draws you to AA. we dont order anyone to pray or tell people what they are going to believe. if the prayin turn ya off, thats cool. yer honest about it and open minded enough to look deepr before making a decision. those 2 things are indispensible.

i highly suggest getting a sponsor. dont just pick anyone. listen for one at the meetings.

sugarbear1

Not all of those people are normal drinkers.

We can't compare ourselves with others. I like vanilla more than chocolate. We all have opinions and we all have our personal journey in recovery.

The people I know who got sober at your age (I was 25 when I attended my first AA meeting and others there were also around my age) and who have stayed stopped for the last 25 years, now have the most fabulous lives!

Young People in AA exists. Call the AA Intergroup office and ask where those meetings are held. Welcome AABoston.org Central Service Committe of Eastern Mass. (Intergroup)

Stay stopped for YOU. YOU are worth it!

Fandy

i wouldnt worry about other people, I would worry about myself and staying healthy. You cant be future tripping into their lives, you do not know what they are facing or thinking, working through.

take care of yourself, that is most important.