AA Limbo
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 2
AA Limbo
Hello, my name is David. I am 29 years old. I am really confused about myself. I am so confused as to whether I am an alcoholic or not. I have spent about 8.5 years out of the past 10 sober in AA, collectively. For the most part anyhow, I remained dry "on my own" for a while, like a year or more. I am confused because for one, I have compared myself to others and see how I have never really been THAT bad in actual physical drinking/using, in comparison to others. I have had my moments and days of chemical desperation, willing to go to any length to get the next chemical. I had about 5 and a half years abstinent, 1st year was solid AA. Maintained working AA program. Then at around 2 years sober started to play an online video game and became really freaking addicted to it. I didn't leave the house more than 1 or 2 times perhaps, for 3 months at one point because I played it so much. But that came later and was a process to get me to that point.
Earlier this year I started smoking pot. But I did not lose it like I had in the past. I was able to go through the day and it helped get rid of the pain enough to not get into a deep depression, plus i thought it was helping me not drink alcohol. It gave me relief for a while. Even helped me be more social, kind of, meaning i was at least around other people. Then it felt like the same old slavery to it. So i went back into a half way house (yes from weed), knowing the chemicals are really just a symptom. But I had problems in the meetings identifying when it came to physical addiction. Esecpailly 1st step meetings! Because the relapse wasn't like they have been for me in the past where I eventually went out of control. Also hearing how everyone else's relapse were always like that too. So I left the 1/2 house a month ago and am now back at mom's. Not part of the plan as I was to live w/ my now ex girlfriend, which is a whole other story. Anyhow, the 2nd week I was back I decided that instead of sitting around depressed or getting all isolated/agoraphobic again I would start smoking pot again, as it helped me to not drink or get too into my head before. So i went to his house and didn't intend on getting high then and there but he insisted i hit this pipe, so i did and it was horrible. Felt the guilt of relapse and all of that. Then on the way home bought a 12 pack and drank 8 or 9 beers. Then for the next 3 or 4 nights I drank beer. Wasn't even fun, just sat in this room and was alone. I would cry all day long then drink beers towards the evening to medicate etc. Something that adds to my confusion is how I drank several shots/sips of whiskey smoked some pot went to sleep and didn't finish off the bottle when I woke up (as a REAL alcoholic would). i wasn't like i was before where i'd go get crack or end up trashed in strange places etc. I don't know why I am writing this. I know we have to hit bottom. I am afraid to hit bottom because for one if i lose control again, i feel like I have so much built up negativity that I might hurt some one or commit suicide in a blackout or something or have some sort of blowout. I sometimes feel like I need this, to let it out, all this control and move on. Then on the other hand I see how one can go their whole life this way on the fence post dry drunk or trying to control drinking/using and it is absolutely miserable. I get so unhappy drinking even beer that I don't want to go to the bar because I feel so dark and self concious. I guess the point I was originally trying to make is that I was just venting and wondering if I am just a lost soul that found peace and a good life at one point in AA but really wasn't an alcoholic to begin with or that I am one and in a world if delusion.
Earlier this year I started smoking pot. But I did not lose it like I had in the past. I was able to go through the day and it helped get rid of the pain enough to not get into a deep depression, plus i thought it was helping me not drink alcohol. It gave me relief for a while. Even helped me be more social, kind of, meaning i was at least around other people. Then it felt like the same old slavery to it. So i went back into a half way house (yes from weed), knowing the chemicals are really just a symptom. But I had problems in the meetings identifying when it came to physical addiction. Esecpailly 1st step meetings! Because the relapse wasn't like they have been for me in the past where I eventually went out of control. Also hearing how everyone else's relapse were always like that too. So I left the 1/2 house a month ago and am now back at mom's. Not part of the plan as I was to live w/ my now ex girlfriend, which is a whole other story. Anyhow, the 2nd week I was back I decided that instead of sitting around depressed or getting all isolated/agoraphobic again I would start smoking pot again, as it helped me to not drink or get too into my head before. So i went to his house and didn't intend on getting high then and there but he insisted i hit this pipe, so i did and it was horrible. Felt the guilt of relapse and all of that. Then on the way home bought a 12 pack and drank 8 or 9 beers. Then for the next 3 or 4 nights I drank beer. Wasn't even fun, just sat in this room and was alone. I would cry all day long then drink beers towards the evening to medicate etc. Something that adds to my confusion is how I drank several shots/sips of whiskey smoked some pot went to sleep and didn't finish off the bottle when I woke up (as a REAL alcoholic would). i wasn't like i was before where i'd go get crack or end up trashed in strange places etc. I don't know why I am writing this. I know we have to hit bottom. I am afraid to hit bottom because for one if i lose control again, i feel like I have so much built up negativity that I might hurt some one or commit suicide in a blackout or something or have some sort of blowout. I sometimes feel like I need this, to let it out, all this control and move on. Then on the other hand I see how one can go their whole life this way on the fence post dry drunk or trying to control drinking/using and it is absolutely miserable. I get so unhappy drinking even beer that I don't want to go to the bar because I feel so dark and self concious. I guess the point I was originally trying to make is that I was just venting and wondering if I am just a lost soul that found peace and a good life at one point in AA but really wasn't an alcoholic to begin with or that I am one and in a world if delusion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I know quite a few people in AA who drank like and and quite a few that didn't, ranging from the 24/7 drinking to the once a month drinker. Not all alcoholics have to finish the bottle, especially if they have had their fill on that day anyway.
Obviously you have serious issues in your life the same as i did when i was your age. You've probably heard at 29 you should be out enjoying yourself, mixing with people, having fun etc? The same stuff i was told? Well it's true...most 29 year olds are looking and doing just that along with having all the other responsibilities their life choices bring, e.g. kids, job, mortgage, car loan, partner, pet etcetc
How do you feel? Do you think that you think or behave like a "normal person"? You feel guilt and remorse after drinking/using? Are you constantly thinking of drinking or using all the time whether it be that you want to or you are not going to anymore? There are too many feelings i had to write here but that's alcoholism...like you say the using or drinking is just the end result, we relapse long before we even drink or use.
Have you worked the steps properly with a sponsor in AA? That's the real program of AA, is that what you meant by working the program? Sounds like you are ok in AA, why don't you get this done, will only take a few months of your life then you can recover from this **** and get on with the rest of your life, a life that will be way beyond anything you can imagine.
As for the rock bottom theory i have lots of rock bottoms through my life up till 38 when i got sober, trust me you don't have to get to the very bottom to stop and get real help...
Obviously you have serious issues in your life the same as i did when i was your age. You've probably heard at 29 you should be out enjoying yourself, mixing with people, having fun etc? The same stuff i was told? Well it's true...most 29 year olds are looking and doing just that along with having all the other responsibilities their life choices bring, e.g. kids, job, mortgage, car loan, partner, pet etcetc
How do you feel? Do you think that you think or behave like a "normal person"? You feel guilt and remorse after drinking/using? Are you constantly thinking of drinking or using all the time whether it be that you want to or you are not going to anymore? There are too many feelings i had to write here but that's alcoholism...like you say the using or drinking is just the end result, we relapse long before we even drink or use.
Have you worked the steps properly with a sponsor in AA? That's the real program of AA, is that what you meant by working the program? Sounds like you are ok in AA, why don't you get this done, will only take a few months of your life then you can recover from this **** and get on with the rest of your life, a life that will be way beyond anything you can imagine.
As for the rock bottom theory i have lots of rock bottoms through my life up till 38 when i got sober, trust me you don't have to get to the very bottom to stop and get real help...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Let's do the math. You've been to a rehab group home twice for substance abuse. You smoke pot to not drink, then smoke pot and drink. You apparently think it's OK to just smoke pot because, heck, at least it's not crack? And just because you left an inch or so in a whiskey bottle doesn't mean you are not an alcoholic, by the way. And to derail your alcoholic thinking, leaving a half bottle doesn't mean you are not an alcoholic.
Sobriety is about not consuming mind altering chemicals. And you wonder if you are not an addict or an alcoholic because there were people out there that hit lower bottoms? Well, maybe you are not an alcoholic. Besides, alcoholics end up in jail or hospitals, not at their mother's house.
Sorry to be so hard. I will give you major kuddos for recognizing you have a problem and attempting to get help at a group home and AA. But I think the point of step 1 isn't that someone is struggling to get off meth or heroin, but that they know they need to be sober and can't resist smoking pot. I spent a few decades thinking pot was a benign drug. I spent two years of sobriety appreciating that for addicts and alcoholics i'ts not.
So you asked for my vote: You're an alcoholic. You think like one, act like one, and have been struggling in sobriety for two years and drank. Alcoholics who think they have problems with alcohol and drink are, well, alcoholics. And addicts (one in the same). Ditto for people who smoke pot ecause it helps them not drink,.
Sobriety is about not consuming mind altering chemicals. And you wonder if you are not an addict or an alcoholic because there were people out there that hit lower bottoms? Well, maybe you are not an alcoholic. Besides, alcoholics end up in jail or hospitals, not at their mother's house.
Sorry to be so hard. I will give you major kuddos for recognizing you have a problem and attempting to get help at a group home and AA. But I think the point of step 1 isn't that someone is struggling to get off meth or heroin, but that they know they need to be sober and can't resist smoking pot. I spent a few decades thinking pot was a benign drug. I spent two years of sobriety appreciating that for addicts and alcoholics i'ts not.
So you asked for my vote: You're an alcoholic. You think like one, act like one, and have been struggling in sobriety for two years and drank. Alcoholics who think they have problems with alcohol and drink are, well, alcoholics. And addicts (one in the same). Ditto for people who smoke pot ecause it helps them not drink,.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I was not physically addicted to alcohol.
According to the medical DSM IV book, I am not an alcoholic.
I AM an alcoholic.
I know this. It is that when I want just one beer, I drink all 6 or 12 or however many I can get my hands on and I drink and drink. I've used pot and I've used crack. Anything to get my mind in a different place.
Today I have over 17 consecutive months of not putting alcohol or pot in my body (gave up the crack 8+ years ago). I happen to work the steps of AA on a daily basis so I can have a different way of dealing with my life.
What is your definition of alcoholic? Maybe this is where the confusion is?
According to the medical DSM IV book, I am not an alcoholic.
I AM an alcoholic.
I know this. It is that when I want just one beer, I drink all 6 or 12 or however many I can get my hands on and I drink and drink. I've used pot and I've used crack. Anything to get my mind in a different place.
Today I have over 17 consecutive months of not putting alcohol or pot in my body (gave up the crack 8+ years ago). I happen to work the steps of AA on a daily basis so I can have a different way of dealing with my life.
What is your definition of alcoholic? Maybe this is where the confusion is?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
being an alcoholic has nothing to do with the quantity drank or how far down the scale we have gone.
you say you have been around AA. i suggest getting the big book and reading" the doctors opinions" and "more about alcoholism." if you fit the description of an alcoholic in them 2 chapters, then surrender.
since you say you had found peace with AA, i highly suggest gettin back.
you say you have been around AA. i suggest getting the big book and reading" the doctors opinions" and "more about alcoholism." if you fit the description of an alcoholic in them 2 chapters, then surrender.
since you say you had found peace with AA, i highly suggest gettin back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Pine Grove, PA
Posts: 146
I am not able to determine if you are an alcoholic or not, this is a disease that is self diagnosed. One way I determined I was an Alcoholic was to learn how to LISTEN. That meant instead of being all about self and comparing to others, I had to listen and relate to what others were saying. Instead of coming up with excuses why I was not that bad I needed to see the similarities. The reality is this is not about being Bad or Good it is about Sick or Well.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I don't think you need to figure out whether you are an alcoholic or not. You need to decide whether you want to be sober or not. Smoking weed to not drink is not the solution. Decide what you want out of life, then go for it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by BONZO5808 
Hello, my name is David. I am 29 years old. I am really confused about myself. I am so confused as to whether I am an alcoholic or not. I am confused because for one, I have compared myself to others and see how I have never really been THAT bad in actual physical drinking/using, in comparison to others. I have had my moments and days of chemical desperation, willing to go to any length to get the next chemical. I had about 5 and a half years abstinent, 1st year was solid AA. Maintained working AA program. Then at around 2 years sober started to play an online video game and became really freaking addicted to it. I didn't leave the house more than 1 or 2 times perhaps, for 3 months at one point because I played it so much. But that came later and was a process to get me to that point.
Earlier this year I started smoking pot. But I did not lose it like I had in the past. So i went back into a half way house (yes from weed), knowing the chemicals are really just a symptom. Anyhow, the 2nd week I was back I decided that instead of sitting around depressed or getting all isolated/agoraphobic again I would start smoking pot again, as it helped me to not drink or get too into my head before. So i went to his house and didn't intend on getting high then and there buthe insisted i hit this pipe, so i did Something that adds to my confusion is how I drank several shots/sips of whiskey smoked some pot went to sleep and didn't finish off the bottle when I woke up (as a REAL alcoholic would) I know we have to hit bottom. I am afraid to hit bottom because for one if i lose control again, i feel likeI have so much built up negativity that I might hurt some one or commit suicide in a blackout or something or have some sort of blowout. I sometimes feel like I need this, to let it out, all this control[B and move on. I guess the point I was originally trying to make is that I was just venting and wondering if I am just a lost soul that found peace and a good life at one point in AA but really wasn't an alcoholic to begin with or that I am one and in a world if delusion.
Earlier this year I started smoking pot. But I did not lose it like I had in the past. So i went back into a half way house (yes from weed), knowing the chemicals are really just a symptom. Anyhow, the 2nd week I was back I decided that instead of sitting around depressed or getting all isolated/agoraphobic again I would start smoking pot again, as it helped me to not drink or get too into my head before. So i went to his house and didn't intend on getting high then and there buthe insisted i hit this pipe, so i did Something that adds to my confusion is how I drank several shots/sips of whiskey smoked some pot went to sleep and didn't finish off the bottle when I woke up (as a REAL alcoholic would) I know we have to hit bottom. I am afraid to hit bottom because for one if i lose control again, i feel likeI have so much built up negativity that I might hurt some one or commit suicide in a blackout or something or have some sort of blowout. I sometimes feel like I need this, to let it out, all this control[B and move on. I guess the point I was originally trying to make is that I was just venting and wondering if I am just a lost soul that found peace and a good life at one point in AA but really wasn't an alcoholic to begin with or that I am one and in a world if delusion.
BONZO...you sure have my head spinning! I vote Lost Soul with Addictive personality!Although I am new to this board I have taken the liberty to heavily edit your post and all bolding is by me. Just seemed easier to make my point.
I was around 27 when I became an alcoholic, and was smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. I had a great career , making a great salary. I did not become addicted to Internet gaming ( probably because it was not as prevalent as now), did not smoke pot, or do crack to give me the courage to stop drinking and being agoraphobic.....and I knew WITHOUT A DOUBT I was addicted to alcohol and cigarettes.
You may not be an ALCOHOLIC, but you most definitely have an ADDICTIVE personality. An Alcoholic is not the worst thing your need to become totally absorbed in some substance outside of yourself is "your Addiction". Alcohol, pot, crack, gaming all seem to be a necessity for you to get by living your life. IMOO I think you would be wise to seek out some serious counseling to help you figure out what triggers these addictive needs of yours.
Seems to me your addictive way of coping may be "self-medicating" a deeper problem. I know even now after 25 years of sobriety if I started playing web games, gambling, doing lines of coke, oxycodone, or any other addictive activity I would probably NO LONGER BE AN ALCOHOLIC, but now would have a gambling or drug addiction.
The name for your addictive behavior does not have to be "Alcoholic" it is what it is ADDICTIVE behavior.....and that is where the need for help plays a major part in recovery of any kind.
Just read the bolded sections of your post and you will see if it isn't one substance it is another needed substances for escape. Find out what you Need to Escape and the rest may fall into place. Perhaps you should be on an antidepressant.
Forgive me, Bonzo, it is just that I could have been addicted to anyone of the escapes you use, since I am an addictive person also. Try an seek out some professional counseling or cognitive therapy, it could make all the difference.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
I sometimes think that I am not an alcoholic. I had what some call a "high bottom". I didn't loose the house, the wife, the kids, or the car. I could see those losses coming, though, in my moment of clarity. I have other mental health issues that sometimes cloud the clarity or the purity of the way that I identify with other alcoholics. Was I simply medicating an existing condition?
When the thought enters my head that I might not be an alcoholic, I remember how grateful I was when I stopped drinking. I was relieved when my wife did not leave me. I am grateful that life is so much better, now that I have worked the twelve steps. Why would I want to make it worse again by picking up a drink or a drug?
So, if I am sometimes unsure whether I am a real alcoholic, I say to myself: "So what?" and get myself to a meeting. I have no desire to experiment or gamble with my sobriety. The stakes are too high.
Bonzo5808, you say that, at one point, you found peace and a good life in AA. Why not come back to it? Peace and a good life are still available . . . if you truly want them and are willing to work for them.
~dox
When the thought enters my head that I might not be an alcoholic, I remember how grateful I was when I stopped drinking. I was relieved when my wife did not leave me. I am grateful that life is so much better, now that I have worked the twelve steps. Why would I want to make it worse again by picking up a drink or a drug?
So, if I am sometimes unsure whether I am a real alcoholic, I say to myself: "So what?" and get myself to a meeting. I have no desire to experiment or gamble with my sobriety. The stakes are too high.
Bonzo5808, you say that, at one point, you found peace and a good life in AA. Why not come back to it? Peace and a good life are still available . . . if you truly want them and are willing to work for them.
~dox
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by BONZO5858
I know we have to hit bottom.
It doesn't matter what label you choose to put on it, "alcoholic" or not, if alcohol or any other substance is causing you problems in your life, it makes sense to stop using it. There are lots of ways to do that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
I've never known alcoholics to go to jail unless its crime associated like stealing or whatever.
I know a few functioning alcoholics they have jobs, a family etc but still have an issue drinking As they cant have just one or a few n hide their alcohol because their spouse has found the hidden ones.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
I know a few functioning alcoholics they have jobs, a family etc but still have an issue drinking As they cant have just one or a few n hide their alcohol because their spouse has found the hidden ones.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 2
"Have you worked the steps properly with a sponsor in AA? That's the real program of AA, is that what you meant by working the program?"
Thanks for all the reply's. I don't feel as alone or lost. As a friend in AA used to say "If nine Russians say you're drunk, you should probably lay down." But I have worked the steps before, followed direction from my sponsor, even sponsored a few people at certain times. I "did the deal." I let up on the action. Best years of my life have been in AA, taking action, the reverse is true when I'm not IN AA. I guess right now I have a lot of delusional over thinking going on. Really, thanks guys for the responses. I wasn't sure if there would be any.
Thanks for all the reply's. I don't feel as alone or lost. As a friend in AA used to say "If nine Russians say you're drunk, you should probably lay down." But I have worked the steps before, followed direction from my sponsor, even sponsored a few people at certain times. I "did the deal." I let up on the action. Best years of my life have been in AA, taking action, the reverse is true when I'm not IN AA. I guess right now I have a lot of delusional over thinking going on. Really, thanks guys for the responses. I wasn't sure if there would be any.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I was not physically addicted to alcohol.
According to the medical DSM IV book, I am not an alcoholic.
I AM an alcoholic.
I know this. It is that when I want just one beer, I drink all 6 or 12 or however many I can get my hands on and I drink and drink. I've used pot and I've used crack. Anything to get my mind in a different place.
Today I have over 17 consecutive months of not putting alcohol or pot in my body (gave up the crack 8+ years ago). I happen to work the steps of AA on a daily basis so I can have a different way of dealing with my life.
What is your definition of alcoholic? Maybe this is where the confusion is?
According to the medical DSM IV book, I am not an alcoholic.
I AM an alcoholic.
I know this. It is that when I want just one beer, I drink all 6 or 12 or however many I can get my hands on and I drink and drink. I've used pot and I've used crack. Anything to get my mind in a different place.
Today I have over 17 consecutive months of not putting alcohol or pot in my body (gave up the crack 8+ years ago). I happen to work the steps of AA on a daily basis so I can have a different way of dealing with my life.
What is your definition of alcoholic? Maybe this is where the confusion is?
Do you realize the strength it takes to overcome addiction? You have beat Crack and now you are 17 months into tackling 2 more substances , Alcohol and Pot!
You have my respect and admiration , and you deserve to be reminded how profound your resolve is. Great work and I wish you all the best on your journey .
Please come here when you feel the need for support , we are here for you!
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