kindablue

I mean gawd things can't get a whole lot worse.I'm hanging by a thread now as it is,but i continue to expose myself to my kriptonite,booze.it's really insanity that people who know they shouldn't drink and have lost almost everything,still do it.i sit here on easter sunday depressed,no family to go to,and i'm taking temporary solace in the booze.tomorrow i'll wake up feeling like death and have to go to work and try to fuction in a compromised,torturous state.how many times have i done this?how many times before i say that's it,i'm done with this ****???? :banger

Anna

Hi Kindablue,

For me, it took looking unflinchingly at my physical health and into the face of my husband. There was a moment when I knew I was at a fork in the road which was going to lead to a quick death, alone, or stopping drinking. Thank God, I chose to stop drinking. I don't have control over a lot of things in my life, but I am sober and it is great. I'm sorry you're having a tough weekend. Holidays are always a hard time - stress if you're alone and stress if you visit family! Tomorrow is another day.

Love, Anna

Csmcjewl

Kindablue,
It took me well over a year to finally stop and only did once I'd made my life so horrible I can't imagine anyone would've wanted to be in my shoes, I certainly didn't! It takes different things for different people to finally realize they don't want it anymore.
You'll get there, I have faith in you.
Stacey

Jeff_C

It’s really different for each of us, the only similarity being in that designation of that particular point as a “bottom�, the only logical direction being left as “up�. Even then many of us have hauled out the jack-hammers, and after a period of “dryness� gone back out and chiseled our way to new depths.

Psychic, and even physical pain, are often the things that “catch’ our attention, and what we most often offer up as the ‘reasons� for our sobriety, but it obviously goes deeper than that. What happens when that pain or discomfort has dissipated, and we DON�T have to go “back out there�?

Fact is, Change never comes from fighting what’s wrong, it always comes from loving what's right, but of course we’re a backasswards bunch and it’ll be a while before we understand the import of that one.

Behavior modification is an interesting topic, the truth of ourselves often lost in the unceasing “conversation. We will always change the behavior before we fully understand the “reasoning� to do so. It seems that we do what we want to do, then go about finding reasons to support it, not the other way around.

The idea that we actually may have to make a choice seems to scare the hell out of most of “us�, and ridding ourselves of the notion that we really can’t have it all (sobriety and an occasional drink) really does a number on an already dis-eased mind, but there ya have it.
Jeff

NotThatThirsty

In a nutshell what it took for me was a realization that things were only going to get worse by drinking and I had to make a decision to do something about it, what ever it took. I had one last choice: Either continue suffering or get my ass in gear and Do Something about it. Nothing and nobody was going to get me sober. I had to first Want to get sober. Once you really want to get sober, then nothing can stop you... As long as you are willing and capable of being honest with yourself. You may want to make it a Point to begin surrounding yourself with other recovering alcoholics. Lots of meetings and lots of contact with people in the 12 step fellowships is what helped me. for my first 11 months I was surrounded by recovery and it helped me in ways I can't begin to describe.... Fact is for alot of people, our drinking had screwed up our minds so much that it takes some serious work before we can once again be free.
peace and love!
-Josh

ted

GETTING SOBER WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM,STAYING SOBER THATS WHERE I HAVE PROBLEMS.ANGER,RESENTMENTS,COMPLACENCY,JUST WANTING TO DRINK, HAVE ALL LED ME BACK INTO THE MADDNESS.ANOTHER DETOX,REHAB.,PYSCH. WARD,JAIL, IT ALWAYS ENDS THE SAME.........DEATH IS WAITING IF I CARE TO DO MORE RESEARCH.I DONT THINK I EVER GAVE SOBRIETY A CHANCE,IM ONE WHO ALWAYS FINDS IT EASIER TO JUST SAY F#@% IT.EASIER!!!!!!!!!!LISTEN TO ME!IM REALY GIVING IT A FAIR SHOT THIS TIME ,HOPING AND PRAYING THIS IS IT!!! STAY STRONG KINDABLUE ted

Chy

I was where Anna was at physical health, relationships, sickness 24/7 and the guilt and shame of what I did was more then I could finally bear. So hang on Blue, your getting there and I know you can make it. Back to meetings, or find another means of support.

Dan

For me blue, it had to go all the way to a suicide attempt. Not a spur of the moment thing either. A two week, researched and planned suicide. Two weeks of drinking and drugging and tortured thinking. I just could not stop using. Something allowed one of my peers from my AA group to drop in at the right moment. I had said my goodbyes internally to my children and was slowly bleeding to death. I had not called anyone and was resigned to the moment. It's been a long way back, and I apologise to anyone offended or disgusted at reading this. But that is what brought me to stop.

Dan

Pancreas

Hmmmmmmm......what helped me?

No Friends
Family not answering phone
Lost career
Pancreatitis 3 times
Broken ribs 3 times
3 Comas
Intraveinous feeding
Bedpans
Gallbladder surgery
Mental health facility for suicidal thoughts
3 trips to detox
Collapsed lung
Sleep Aphnea
Hypoxia
Emphysema
Damaged liver
Heart Catheterization
Chronic bronchitis
Carry oxygen canister
Scars on my face from drunken falls
Very few memories (of good or bad)

And that's just the last 5 years.

I woke up one day and realized I did not know my wife of 23 years, by son was graduating from high school and my teenage daughter was turning into a woman. It was time to put down the bottle and try to capture what was left of my life so I could help make sure that my family survived, with me. For me that finally meant walking through the doors at an AA meeting, and staying to hear how other people stayed sober.

Alice Wonder

we all have different reasons. you are reaching out and that seems to be where the turn around begins. somehow we all finally reach out or someone happens to reach in at a time we are okay with that and so we grab the hand extended. we were put on this planet full of people and as much as we isolate ourselves with destruction, addiction, and negativity, the truth is we are not alone and it's pretty F*ing crowded. so it seems silly that we try to isolate ourselves. we fight ourselves all the time and believe we do not matter or have anything to offer. these walls around us cannot keep us from being hurt. we still feel the pain. and the fear- fear of no one caring- fear that we are not worthy- fear that we are human- fear of being unloved-fear of being alone.
when is it enough? how much can you destroy yourself before you can stop? well it's been proven that we can punish and destroy ourselves till the day we die. you won't die till it's your time to die though. so then comes the agony part.
positive change is how we challenge the concept of death/mortality in some ways. nothing is absolute. we addicts and alcoholics have to think out of the box to regain out lives. one step at a time in fellowship with others is really thinking out of the box and beautiful.
what made me stop? the decision to embrace life and begin living. that meant taking responsiblility for my life and happiness. instead of looking externally for solutions i started looking internally and centering myself. it's easier to do this sober! i reached out to others and began taking baby steps. sorry if i am rambling but i was just on a hill overlooking the city with a friend and we did a lot of talking about this very thing.
you already know the answer to your question. you just haven't accepted or accomodated the new idea fully. breathe and be in stillness with it. allow it to work within you. love-alice

1Marty

Kindablue, I felt as you have. I knew all the negative things that booze was doing to me - but yet I still kept going back to it. I finally saw the light durring my last drunk, when I was laying in a hospital ER and the DOC was telling me I'm lucky to be still alive. I knew somthing had to be done. I don't have all the answers on how I'm staying sober now, I'm still trying to learn. I know that having others involved (Posting here,AA), and someone to be accountable to (my wife, my therapist, GOD) has helped.

MootPoint

mine was simple....... I woke up on a ventilator due to alcohol poisening. I'd been told that i was drowning in my own vomit when i was found. i decided that that is not the way i wanted to die. and......... i knew if i kept drinking, i'd die that way.

so my way was simple.

Music

Hi Blue,
When I cam to AA, I completely turned my will and my life over to the care of Jerry....my first sponsor. I called him every day. I didn't do much other than go to the bathroom without checking with him. We went to meeting after meeting and I meat new friends so I never was at a loss for something to do, if I was willing to call someone. I completely gave in to the fellowship of AA for a while, just until I could learn some new bahavior patterns. I know a lot of folks who think they can do it by themselves, and maybe some can. I just know that I didn't have the skills to get sober and stay sober without help.

Hope you don't have to hurt for too much longer. Being sick and tired really sucks, as I remember.

Take care.

Justme57

I owe my nearly 6 months sober to God and the fellowship in AA. Like Music said , I just gave in, I have leaned on, and been upheld and advised by ,oldtimers . I have done EVERYTHING they and my Sponser have suggested, and it has worked ! I have a faith in the programme cos it has worked a day at a time for me . BUT I would be fearful to rely on my thoughts at the moment , so I ask for and act on advice given by people with a proven record .

HUGX
Lee

kindablue

Thanx for the replies guys,i just wish the desire was removed from me,but i know that isn't going to just happen.i know i need to put in the hardwork,i have so much repair to do.i've lost so much,this desease is such a burden to bear.i'm going to seriously consider rehab,i seem to weak to go more than afew days without drinking.i need to put an obstacle between me and the liqour store,my own attempts have failed.

lostinabq

Hi blue,

I understand how you feel.....I am 35 also, alone, and did the same thing you did yesterday...drank , drank, cried, drank, and then I hated myself in the morning. I woke up this morning and said "Never again" like always....and I have to come to terms with this and really do it. I am going to counseling as soon as I can get an appointment.

Music

I'm with you Lee. I was told once that my head is like a bad neighborhood. It's not a good place to get caught in by myself.

Blue, I got a sponsor right away and called him anytime of the day or night if I didn't feel right. He always told me to call him before I drank, not after. So, that's what I did. Also, I did a lot of praying, asking "whoever" to remove the desire to drink and help me stay sober. I went a while just praying to "something." I hadn't a clue who or what.

Drinking is only a burden if I'm carrying the problem by myself. The more I share the load, the lighter the load gets.

mackat

yo blue
i got off the bike [had been on my way to the liquor store] said my first real prayer in 25 years "god help me , i can't go on like this" packed for rehab that night. Went to 2 or more meetings a day for the first few months. got a sponsor. read the big book. worked the steps. been sober 8 years.
this is not for those who need it.
this is for those who want it.
sometimes we just have to pray for the willingness
mackat

Ninerfan

Years of drinking and f**king up. Several DUI's. Broken, twisted relationships. Fear. Anger. Resentment. All this went into the mix. I arrived at AA in just the right state of mind...confused...

I no longer could honestly say that I could pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my stuff together. I finally ASKED FOR HELP FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. That person became my sponsor. He led me through the Big Book and the steps. That is how I've been able to stay sober for several years now and become reasonably happy. I quit the debating team and surrendered to AA. It didn't rob me of myself or force anythng on me. To the contrary, today I have a much better idea of who I am and I can live with that without drinking.

KB, I know you are reluctant to try AA but there are other methods. Try AA again or try one of the other methods but the key to any of these methods is your willingness to get well. It is insane to drink the way we drink. It robs us of ourselves, our families, and our future.

NotThatThirsty

Heya KB,
It's been 4 days since your last post, just wondering if you're still here... In your last post you mentioned getting into Rehab. That's what it took for me, and alot of people. I was in long-term residential treatment for 11 months. It did me a lot of good! You sound like you're about where I was when I got into treatment: I wanted to want to quit but my drinking was just so automatic. I'd get a month sober and then before I even thought about it, I had put myself in a situation where I could drink and get away with it (at least temporarily)... Long term treatment taught me a great deal once I became open to the experience. I mean, 11 months sounds like a long time, sure, but where I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually when I first came into treatment, it didn't look like I was going to get sober anytime soon... I just recently became aware that at one of the staff meetings when I came in, based on my track record and their initial impression of me, they didn't think I was capable of completing the program. But somehow, something changed in me when I took up residence there and I just became willing to Follow the Rules no matter what I thought of them. In fact, at first, I was nearly Obesessive with the rules. I so much wanted to not F*** up, I wanted to make sure I was in Full Compliance.... And after awhile I relaxed a little bit and following the rules became easier... And now I have my own Sober life which still includes several meetings a week. Anyhoo! Hope you're doing okay and hope to see you back!

-Josh