Jaded1999

I come on this site every day now and really like reading the posts, awesome stuff.

Anyway I'm 3 months sober doing all the right things, AA, sponsor, keeping really fit back studying. I know drinking is not an option for me 6 detoxes and a rehab in 3 years after my divorce proves that lol. I know i've always been quite a shy, introverted person sober... Thats exactly why I drank I and I know it, it turned me into the confident extroverted person that I wanted to be!! I'll be a qualified personal trainer (again, did it when I was 19 now 31) and strength coach soon, I know all the theory and all I just don't have any confidence around other people and in social situations at all.

I seem ok on the outside just the anxiety is overwhelming (I'm still taking a low dose of valium as prescribed). I know I am still in early recovery and my mind is still racing 100 miles an hour... After typing that this is probably a stupid question that no one can answer lol but is it possible for your personality to change as you get sober? How / what did you guys do to increase your confidence? I wanna be sober but I don't want to feel like this for ever

Also has anyone got a link on an easy way to get started with step 4? I kinda now what to do, my mind just goes blank, maybe i'm scared to start writing lol.

Thanks ppl. Forums like this saves bloody lives!!

sugarbear1

I work with my sponsor to do step 4.

Mark75

Step 4...

Understand that this is an awesome way to get you to see what you cannot, now, see. I got all tied up in this step because, well, I resisted working with a sponsor, at first. Once I understood what a resentment really was (I didn't think I had any, LOL)... And once I understood why I had them, what was it about me? What did I learn about myself??

Oh boy! It was an awesome tool. Then moving on from there was almost automatic. And the knowledge I gained about myself, I use daily.

Consider posting this in the 12 step section, you might get more responses. But, check out the Joe and Charlie Big Book Study mp3 downloads... They do a nice job to take you through the process.

It's like learning to ride a bike, once you get it, you got it. This would, as previously mentioned, would be a great time to work with another AA, a sponsor!

Sally1009

Well done on your three months - that't brilliant!
Low self-esteem is a tough one, a lot of people suffer from it. Perhaps a bit of CBT counselling would help. Personally though I think it's ok to be a shy person - extroverts can be awfully boring, and rather tiring too, whereas shy people can be quite charming, I find.
I think it's very possible you will change as you remain sober. You are still very young.
Step 4 is something a lot of people dread, but I found it quite freeing. A good sponsor is key for helping you with that.
Good luck in your recovery. You're doing well.

tomsteve

i was called shyboy in highschool. by working the steps(18 years later) i found out i was shy, i was afraid of what others thought of me.


work the steps, practice the principles in all yer affairs, and give it T.I.M.E.

the easiest and simplest way to work step 4 starts on pg 63 of the BB, last paragraph.

Ozgirl

I am introverted and suffer from low self esteem sometimes but sobriety has definitely improved it. Not touching alcohol for over 18 months has given me self confidence and self respect. There are some self help books out there on raising self esteem, like looking at self talk.

Change4good

It is good to know that sobriety is helping. Any chance you could meet with a counselor or therapist to work on some of these issues? You mention that you are studying. I know some universities have counselors in training who provide services for free (I was one of them.)

Perhaps this is an option. Sometimes it helps to get out of your head and talk about it. Glad you are doing it with us, but maybe you could ramp it up.

Best to you.

Jaded1999

Actually I seen a counselor today lol and mentioned this (First session with him).
He thinks I'm fine and don't really have any issues and its just normal in early recovery. I knew what to expect and what to say to him i'm good at talking about me lol. I think I just have to learn to live sober... I am looking forward to the challenge though

Change4good

Good to hear you saw someone. One thought that came to mind though. . .remember you are the expert on you. You might be "fine" in his eyes, and I am sure you fundamentally are. But it is okay to work with someone to get even better. Don't be afraid to shop around when you consider counseling or therapy.

Mark75

I sat down with a psych at about 9-10 months, I was still struggling to find peace. He told me I didn't have any "issues" and that I was pretty much were I could expect myself to be... This psych is in recovery for over a decade himself.

I left and said to myself, so WTF is wrong then? Why am I still so angry, unhappy?

I found the answer in the 4th and 5th steps and the solution in the subsequent steps. I am basically overall normal guy with no significant mental health issues who simply neede some insight into why I was feeling like I did.

As always, the fourt step of AA is not the only way to get that insight. But it's free and is freely given away by people who have gone before.

Ask somewhat at your meetings that you have a good feeling about to help you with the fourth step... And if it goes well and he has what you want, ask him to be your sponsor through the steps.

onlythetruth

For me the critical thing in increasing my self-esteem has been self-acceptance.

Abstinence from alcohol didn't turn me into an extrovert, for example. I'm an introvert, always have been, always will be. But now I'm comfortable with that. So, even though I still need my alone time to recharge my batteries, I'm not scared of working with people (in fact, that's part of my job!)

Mark75

@OTT

Did you find the 4th and 5th step helpful in your own AA experience to find that self acceptance... I don't ask that to get into another argument over AA, promise!! I absolutely agree that self acceptance is CRUCIAL in recovery. My experience is that is exactly what I found in there....

freshstart57

Self acceptance was important to me, too and it came at the same time as my sobriety decision. These two imperatives were rolling around in my mind before that moment I suppose, but they came together for me and made the framework for the resolve I needed to move forward.

This self acceptance can happen outside of a 12 step environment. SMART and other cognitive therapies address this specifically. Maybe this is one of the mental hygiene things that people who have never been addicted understand without needing to be taught.

RobbyRobot

For me, low self-esteem is one kind of a natural consequence of my being responsible for my actions in my daily life. My experiences with those actions which bring me low are importantly accepted as best I can, for otherwise I risk being dragged into the rabbit hole of denial by my own hand. Acceptance frees me to grow and move forward having learned more about myself.

High self-esteem of course feels much better than low self-esteem, and yet feeling high on ones self has consequences too. Ego run wild comes to mind. And risking creating false inferior situations to simply re-experience feeling superior when surpassing those made-up situations.

For example

Being in an unfortunate argument with a loved one, and making a big deal of being previously hurt by the target of my argument, being all dramatic about it, and then claiming my offer of loving forgiveness to give me added leverage with something else I in fact selfishly desire from my loved one...

Yeah... lousy and low, but there it is... selfishness is not pretty.

So then, high self-esteem run wild can be potentially as damaging, in my experience, as low self-esteem.

For me, I use self-esteem as a simple barometer which more or less measures my own attitudes of myself experiencing myself. I don't actually hold any value in itself for self-esteem. Its just personal weather for me, nothing less or more. I prefer to be free of my self-esteem consequences as much as possible. Its always just what it is, and I don't really play with it either way if I can avoid it. Staying out of selfish arguments certainly helps me keep free, lol.

onlythetruth

No arguments from me, Mark75.

Actually, I found the "angle" of looking at myself (i.e. "character defects") difficult. I was pretty used to beating myself up and so the negative perspective didn't help. I tried a number of ways around this, such as using books like The Womens Way Through the 12 Steps to help give me a more positive perspective. But the 4th and 5th step experience for me (and I did several) was generally not a good one. I was actually pretty devastated after doing my first 5th step.

So no, this didn't help me with self-acceptance. Actually--and ironically--the thing that DID help me was the decision to leave AA after 9 years of trying to make it fit. It was truly an act of self-acceptance, confidence and self-love to walk away from something that was "supposed to" be the answer to all my problems...the best thing I got from my AA experience is written on the back of the coins!!!!

Mark75

I know this will absolutely shock you... But I have always been alpha male... Big surprise, uh?? LOL.

And so, my own experience with having to go to treatment and all of the other hoops I had to jump through... One of those, the most important, was that first step thing, specifically that second part about unmanageable... All that was hard on my self esteem, LOL... Go figure, LOL ...

But I was blind to how my own pride was driving my newly found and very undesirable shame...

My experience was that it took a good 4th step to see that.

No matter how we get there... We have to be comfortable with self... To have a sense of humor... Self effacement when practiced in a loving way, can provide that comic relief when needed... And on a serious note, when I am having to negotiate with others, like in this thread, I can see my alpha male tendacies and pull back from them. I don't know what your experience is, or was, and if I can adopt a purpose of learning instead of trying to tell you, I benefit.

Mark75

I like that way of looking at it. Can't say it always works, LOL, but I have been thinking in a way similarly lately... I figure I will feel better later or tomorrow... The clouds will blow over.

Gottalife

Hi Shaun,
it's not only possible (to change personality) but essential for alcoholics of my type to have long term sobriety. Far from stupid, it is the central part of the AA program.
p25: "The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe." This happened to me as the result of taking the steps. I didn't manage to change anything much myself, it was as if the changes were made for me.

See appendix II for a further exlpanation.

I attended a public meeting recently at which the professor of psychiatry at Otago Medical School stated the latest thinking on recovery from severe chronic alcoholism is that some kind of conversion experience (he can't use the word spritual for the same reason that Carl Jung couldn't), is necessary.

The fourth step is where the work starts. You could google bigbooksponsorship.org and get some great work sheets and summarized intrsuctions from the big book on how to proceed. In my case, though I afound I was not capable of taking this step alone as I lacked any real understanding of what I was trying to do. Luckily my sponsor saw this and took me through the step, making sure I understood, as we went along. It took almost a full day together. Maybe you need to sit down with your sponsor to work through this.

DayTrader

Great question Shaun and bravo to you for having the courage to bring it up. As I got longer into my sober time the tougher it was to ignore my false pride and intense desire to want to be accepted - and start talking about how things were REALLY going in my life. Suffice it to say, i can identify with where you are.

You mentioned you're in AA so I'll share what
I did when I was in your spot. I took a deeper look at the first step in recovery (not AA's step 1). Did I KNOW, deep down in my heart, that Im alcoholic? I also looked at what an alcoholic is and how AA defines one: physical craving for more once I start, mental compulsion to continue to pick up that first one, and then the biggie: the spiritual malady. That last part, the malady - that part that gets us when we're not drinking - that's the one that hit me hard and that's the part your post reminded me of.

Ok, so it was clear I "have it.". I'm an alkie and while drinking is a problem, the inability to live life contently, happily and successfully when I'm sober.....that hit home big time. Hit me in my heart. Not much hope.....cuz all I've done is pinpoint a bigger problem than I thought I had. So, onto step 2. As messed up as this is - as screwed as I feel I am - as futile as things look.......can soooome power greater than me fix things (either by just fixing them....or by giving me the power to fix them myself)? For a while, even IN AA, my honest answer was, "I doubt it.". Nothing changed....and the pain of life got worse. Eventually I got willing (mostly because the pain, despair, and depression was crushing me) to apply the second step to my current reality. Maybe I didn't fully believe...but. I was willing to believe.

No it's step 3 time.....will I make a decision and out my actions behind it? For me, that meant a fair amount of "acting as if." What I mean is, I started trying to act AS IF I had confidence. Id go up to ppl and start conversations (totally freaked me out.). I started getting more honest at meetings and told ppl what was really happening. A lot of help started showing up - in the form of ppl who'd been there themselves. They shared how they got over it....which gave me more tools an some new power.

Like Robby said.....it took some time, and a lot of practice......but, as promised, eventually I EXPERIENCED the "psychic change," the change in one's personality, sufficient to recover from alcohlISM.

So.....it's absolutely frickin' possible. It worked for me and I was almost
POSITIVE it wouldn't. I'm a different person today - so much so that even I notice it - daily. It's crazy.....yanno?

(I. Should add, here was some inventory work I had to do in there too.....and some pretty serious 6 & 7 stuff as well. Like they promised me though - a new me emerged. Maybe it was the old me just coming back out of hiding......dunno. Either way, it's a trip. Keep moving forward....but maybe it'll help to revisit your early steps work and apply your current understanding of them to your current situation. Those darn things work.....if/when we use them.

TSDD

This is going to sound really crazy, but I got self esteem by doing esteemable things. No shortcuts were to be had for me. I needed to start acting the way I knew I should have been behaving all along long enough to beleive it was real.