millersdaughter

I've browsed the forums on occasion and while our stories are all alike, they're all different.

This is my story. I hope that by sharing this it will allow me to reflect on my own words and receive the support of SRF.

I started drinking socially in my early 20's. I'm now 33. When I began drinking at home, that's when it all began falling apart slowly but surely. If I recall correctly, I was about 25.

I remember...
- Not understanding how my mother could drink at home during the week.
- And then, rotating paying for 12 packs of beer with my mother
- And then, racing for the 7th beer before she could get to her 6th. She would get mad at me.

After that, I moved out in 2006. I budgeted my lifestyle so I could not afford (financially) to drink. I was successful for a while, but then found a way to fit it in.

I made it okay in my mind so long as I showered every morning before work to get the brewery smell to go away.

I would sit outside on the porch of my apartment in blistering heat and freezing cold carefully consuming my 16-oz 6-pack of Natural Light to last about 3-4 hours. I did this until about November of 2011. I neglected my home, my son, my everything. No alcohol sales on Sunday helped a bit. I loved waking up sober on Monday morning. Sunday was my day of rest.

In late 2011 early 2012, I quit. I was good for a few months. I lost weight and I felt GREAT. Then I started drinking socially again and I was right back in the alcohol hurricane. Here I am today in the same hell.

I drink a 6 pack of 16 oz Natural Light beers daily; sometimes more. I feel like crap in the morning most days, but every once in a while I don't drink on the weekend and I feel fantastic the next day. I tell myself I want to feel like this all of the time, but for some reason I cannot do it.

Work stress has always been a suspect, but it's fading. Financial stress has been the same. It's going away. So why am I still doing it?

Well, yes I suppose I'm addicted now and that is the reason, but when I feel good I think about how much I love that feeling of being sober.

I have found that when I take a vacation from work, it's easy to be sober. Even if I'm offered drinks I don't enjoy them or sometimes even refuse them.

I have found that when in the company of certain people I have no desire to drink. One would think that this would apply 24/7 since I am a mother, but for some reason I can still love my son and drink like a fish. I know that he does not see it that way. In fact, I'm certain he feels quite the opposite. I'm certain he cannot grasp that I love him if I continue down this path.

If I know all of these things, if I feel all of these things, why can't I quit? Why won't I quit? Why is it so hard? How can I tell my son I'm going to quit and not do it? The fact that I do not feel "in control" of my emotions or yearnings is what I don't understand. I don't want to do this anymore!! I haven't for a long time.

None of it feels good. It hasn't for a long time. What keeps me coming back?

CarolD

Please take the time to read this link....it's from the book that opened
my eyes While not everything pertained to my drinking...a lot sure did..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

All my best to you and your son as you come into sbriety
Yes! you too can win over alcohol...many here are doing that very thing

MemphisBlues

Well, Miller, alcohol can be an insidious drug. It works. It gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling and it allows us to -- most of the time -- tuck whatever is bugging us under the surface.

For me, I never wanted to quit drinking. I'd rink, wake up feeling like crap, pound a pot of coffee to get going, and start pouring on the alcohol to curl the rough edges.

The funny and dangerous thing is alcohol just quits working after a while. I mean, we drink for the feeling, we drink for the calm it brings (most of the time), we drink because we drink.

Actually, drinking is what alcoholics do.

But the important part of your post is that you recognize it is a problem, that pounding six sixteen beers just isn't normal, and wanting to quit and not quitting is a huge red flag that this could become far more serious than it already is.

You know, even at my worst stages of drinking I never thought I was an alcoholic, just someone with a lot of problems who drank in the afternoon and evenings because I had a hangover from the night before. Besides, if someone had the issues I was dealing with, they would drink too. I was unique.

Then I realized I was doing what alcoholics did, I felt like an alcoholic, and, well, drinking the amount I did was just what alcoholics did. I was, indeed, a flaming alcoholic.

Are you? Admitting what I was was a huge step in recovery for me.

heath480

Welcome to SR.Glad you are here..

trailrunrbyday

Miller you came here for a reason. You have a lot to lose if you stay the path you are on.
You have a lot to gain without suffering unnecessary loss.
You know something needs to change. How lovely is it that you can change now while the damage (and there is damage already) is minimal.

I haven't hit "bottom". I am still somewhat young, strong, healthy otherwise, successful in career with a nice home a husband who adores me and a son who has not witnessed the mess he certainly would have had I kept on.

I stopped when I still questioned if I really NEEDED to fully stop. I am grateful and proud and it has only been under two weeks but my list of accomplishments productivity and pride have grown.

Funny thing.... Not one regret added to the list (no "ahhh I wish I hadn't had those six beer AGAIN last night"

Follow your heart. It brought you here