Am I being selfish????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: North Kingstown RI
Posts: 59
Am I being selfish????
Hi everyone,
I'm about 36 days sober now. I'm having issues with my relationship of 9 years and I'm having knee replacement surgery on Monday morning. I've been under alot of pressure, wrapping up my job, thinking about the surgery and the issues in the relationship. Plus the house is a mess and my partner hasn't done anything to clean it even though she is on disability (she was diagnosed bi-polar a year ago - that's a story in itself). Granted the last week she was in a day program last week, but she finished at 2:30 each day. Now I am going to spend tomorrow cleaning the house before I go in the hospital.
Today I went out by myself. I just needed to be alone and I went shopping and went out for coffee, read a book, etc. I came home and picked my partner up to go to the grocery store to buy her food for while I'm gone, then we came home to cook dinner. She started cooking dinner and then we ended up outside with my family. We live in a side by side duplex that my sister owns and she lives on the other side. My nephew is home from Korea (army) on leave so he was over too. He is drinking quite a bit, actually has me worried because he says he only remembers 3 days out of the week he has been home.
But, we were outside chatting and he was drinking and smoking cigerettes (I also gave those up 4 years ago). My partner comes out and even though she knows how hard this is for me, she starts drinking out of the bottle too - mind you this was a bottle of booze I had bought for myself and when I got sober I gave it to my sister to get it out of my house. Now my partner is standing next to me drinking from it - then taking drags off my nephews cigerettes (even though she doesn't smoke).
I finally said I had to come inside and was very direct that there was too much drinking going on and I couldn't handle it. I came in the house and burst into tears - felt sooooo depressed and lonely. I think my partner should be respectful enough to abstain from drinking while I'm so newly sober and under so much pressure right now. Especially 2 days before surgery.
I finished making dinner because she forgot about it. But she came in about 10 minutes later and says "Oh, it's done?" I said yes and then she noticed that I was crying. She said she didn't feel like eating and then went on to say "sweetheart, I need to talk to different people, you should understand, it's kind of like when you needed to be alone today". I told her to go away because I didn't want to discuss it.
So she has been next door partying now and I'm sitting here. Am I being selfish in thinking that she should abstain from drinking while I'm going through this? I feel so awful and I don't want to be unfair to anyone but I'm feeling very alone right now and want to drink very badly.
-Kathi
I'm about 36 days sober now. I'm having issues with my relationship of 9 years and I'm having knee replacement surgery on Monday morning. I've been under alot of pressure, wrapping up my job, thinking about the surgery and the issues in the relationship. Plus the house is a mess and my partner hasn't done anything to clean it even though she is on disability (she was diagnosed bi-polar a year ago - that's a story in itself). Granted the last week she was in a day program last week, but she finished at 2:30 each day. Now I am going to spend tomorrow cleaning the house before I go in the hospital.
Today I went out by myself. I just needed to be alone and I went shopping and went out for coffee, read a book, etc. I came home and picked my partner up to go to the grocery store to buy her food for while I'm gone, then we came home to cook dinner. She started cooking dinner and then we ended up outside with my family. We live in a side by side duplex that my sister owns and she lives on the other side. My nephew is home from Korea (army) on leave so he was over too. He is drinking quite a bit, actually has me worried because he says he only remembers 3 days out of the week he has been home.
But, we were outside chatting and he was drinking and smoking cigerettes (I also gave those up 4 years ago). My partner comes out and even though she knows how hard this is for me, she starts drinking out of the bottle too - mind you this was a bottle of booze I had bought for myself and when I got sober I gave it to my sister to get it out of my house. Now my partner is standing next to me drinking from it - then taking drags off my nephews cigerettes (even though she doesn't smoke).
I finally said I had to come inside and was very direct that there was too much drinking going on and I couldn't handle it. I came in the house and burst into tears - felt sooooo depressed and lonely. I think my partner should be respectful enough to abstain from drinking while I'm so newly sober and under so much pressure right now. Especially 2 days before surgery.
I finished making dinner because she forgot about it. But she came in about 10 minutes later and says "Oh, it's done?" I said yes and then she noticed that I was crying. She said she didn't feel like eating and then went on to say "sweetheart, I need to talk to different people, you should understand, it's kind of like when you needed to be alone today". I told her to go away because I didn't want to discuss it.
So she has been next door partying now and I'm sitting here. Am I being selfish in thinking that she should abstain from drinking while I'm going through this? I feel so awful and I don't want to be unfair to anyone but I'm feeling very alone right now and want to drink very badly.
-Kathi
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oregon, MI
Posts: 17
There is nothing selfish about wanting to do everything needed in the early days of sobriety to keep sober. In my case I am not currently bothered by people drinking in front of me or bringing something with them, that may change and if it does I will address the issue.
At this time in sobriety you might begin to notice how other people really are, both by their actions and words. The thing is that you are probably still a bit foggy with things not being clear with emotions and feelings running overtime. Maybe time to sit back, reflect, and by all means do whatever you need to stay sober. You sound very intelligent and I'm sure you know that you have to help yourself right now before you can really go forward. 36 days is a great start, don't let outside forces pull you down!
A modified serenity prayer that works for most of life's situations:
...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
At this time in sobriety you might begin to notice how other people really are, both by their actions and words. The thing is that you are probably still a bit foggy with things not being clear with emotions and feelings running overtime. Maybe time to sit back, reflect, and by all means do whatever you need to stay sober. You sound very intelligent and I'm sure you know that you have to help yourself right now before you can really go forward. 36 days is a great start, don't let outside forces pull you down!
A modified serenity prayer that works for most of life's situations:
...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Bird on the rise
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Dear Kathi
Hey Kathi,
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I knew what the right thing was. I don't think you are selfish it sounds rather like you are hurting and wanting some support and are angry that you aren't getting what you need, at least not from your partner. You did come here though and that means you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and that's empowering. The craving maybe chewing on you right now but you are not alone and are strong enough to reach out, perhaps you are in better shape than you give yourself credit for and that your HP is right along side you helping you keep it together.
It may not be support from the place you really wanted from but it seems to me that your HP has provided this place and at this moment this person to be there. I am sending you lots of love dear Kath and thanks, everything I've said to you I needed to remind myself of today. No accidents.
Marie
:wink2:
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I knew what the right thing was. I don't think you are selfish it sounds rather like you are hurting and wanting some support and are angry that you aren't getting what you need, at least not from your partner. You did come here though and that means you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and that's empowering. The craving maybe chewing on you right now but you are not alone and are strong enough to reach out, perhaps you are in better shape than you give yourself credit for and that your HP is right along side you helping you keep it together.
It may not be support from the place you really wanted from but it seems to me that your HP has provided this place and at this moment this person to be there. I am sending you lots of love dear Kath and thanks, everything I've said to you I needed to remind myself of today. No accidents.
Marie
:wink2:
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
You’ve not been separated from “your friend� that long, and it’s certainly not unusual to miss “her�. Early recovery is a tremulous time, full of all manner of emotions, and often some pretty convoluted thought. Throw in the concept of “paws� and you’ve got a real witches brew, that can make for extreme discomfort, and “iffy� abstinence.
No matter what though, it’s never about “them� what they do or don’t, but rather how we’re internalizing that and the PURPOSE that we’ll turn it to. A really great vehicle for learning to understand a lot of that is a “program�, and will in the end give us our best shot at putting it all together, and really understanding the “using� side of ourselves, and what it will do to our “non-using� intent.
Hang in there. Do what ya need to remain abstinent and then do a little more to reward the “temporary� winner. It’s said that “Your success in life will be in direct proportion to what you do after you do what you are expected to do.� and of course it’s you that are determining the expectations. Making then “unrealistic� for either yourself or anyone else is tantamount to shooting ourselves in the foot,---------------again.
Jeff
No matter what though, it’s never about “them� what they do or don’t, but rather how we’re internalizing that and the PURPOSE that we’ll turn it to. A really great vehicle for learning to understand a lot of that is a “program�, and will in the end give us our best shot at putting it all together, and really understanding the “using� side of ourselves, and what it will do to our “non-using� intent.
Hang in there. Do what ya need to remain abstinent and then do a little more to reward the “temporary� winner. It’s said that “Your success in life will be in direct proportion to what you do after you do what you are expected to do.� and of course it’s you that are determining the expectations. Making then “unrealistic� for either yourself or anyone else is tantamount to shooting ourselves in the foot,---------------again.
Jeff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: North Kingstown RI
Posts: 59
Pancreas - thanks - I've been saying the serenity prayer over and over tonight.
Marie - You said exactly the words I needed to hear right now. Thank you for being there just at the moment I needed someone. I can now go to bed and know that tomorrow is another day. I know when I wake up I will be heading to my "home" meeting which always makes me feel better.
Thank you both - you don't know what you have done for me tonight.
-Kathi
Marie - You said exactly the words I needed to hear right now. Thank you for being there just at the moment I needed someone. I can now go to bed and know that tomorrow is another day. I know when I wake up I will be heading to my "home" meeting which always makes me feel better.
Thank you both - you don't know what you have done for me tonight.
-Kathi
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