Bad night tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Bad night tonight
Nothing happened.
It was a perfectly pleasant day. Boring but pleasant. Ran some errands. Got a coffee, paid my rent, picked up some groceries for my parents...little Day to day things. Finally feeling better.
But I want to drink or use or just not be sober/straight.
Nothing is wrong. I'm not upset, I'm not really stressed, school will work itself out. I didn't get into a fight with my parents, in fact we're doing well. My prof's are being very understanding and have assured me we will work things out for the semester. And yet right now I just want to drink. Not get drunk, just a few drinks, a little buzz.
I'm sick of being NORMAL. You know just a normal damn state of mind. I'm bored. I'm in my own head too much. I was too sick for a week to even realize I missed alcohol. Now that I'm better it kind of sucks.
I've got a bottle of Roxicet downstairs, a form of Oxy from when I was in severe pain last week, and I don't need it right now but I am really tempted to go take a dose. Like really really tempted.
It's a craving I know it'll pass. I know it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been to a meeting in over a week from being sick. And the fact that my doctor said I'm out of exercise for a few weeks.
I can't run. Running is my outlet. I can't run. I can't drink. I can't smoke weed. It's like WTF am I supposed to do you know? I just binged on a bunch of crap and am bloated now, and I don't feel any better, actually I just feel a hell of a lot worse because I can't go run off those calories in the morning.
I really just hate that I can't just stand being normal. Just sitting with myself and my thoughts and being just...sober...it just feels...uncomfortable.
I don't know that I'm conveying what I mean, and I don't know why I'm posting this I just needed to say all this to someone. I'm having a really hard to resisting the urge to go take that pain med and just not be straight.
I've been having really bad cravings since yesterday. My anxiety is at an all time high because of weight-related issues from lack of exercise I feel pent up because I'm really still too tired/run down to do much and I just feel like there's not much I can do to make it better.
I am going to a meeting tomorrow. I gotta. It won't be the same cos it's not my home group or whatever but it's better the nothing.
Now I just gotta make it through tonight... I don't know if I can. Part of me is tying to say that if I take that pain med it isn't the same thing as drinking since I'm not addicted to Oxy but then I'm just like it's all really the same thing in the end isn't it?
It was a perfectly pleasant day. Boring but pleasant. Ran some errands. Got a coffee, paid my rent, picked up some groceries for my parents...little Day to day things. Finally feeling better.
But I want to drink or use or just not be sober/straight.
Nothing is wrong. I'm not upset, I'm not really stressed, school will work itself out. I didn't get into a fight with my parents, in fact we're doing well. My prof's are being very understanding and have assured me we will work things out for the semester. And yet right now I just want to drink. Not get drunk, just a few drinks, a little buzz.
I'm sick of being NORMAL. You know just a normal damn state of mind. I'm bored. I'm in my own head too much. I was too sick for a week to even realize I missed alcohol. Now that I'm better it kind of sucks.
I've got a bottle of Roxicet downstairs, a form of Oxy from when I was in severe pain last week, and I don't need it right now but I am really tempted to go take a dose. Like really really tempted.
It's a craving I know it'll pass. I know it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been to a meeting in over a week from being sick. And the fact that my doctor said I'm out of exercise for a few weeks.
I can't run. Running is my outlet. I can't run. I can't drink. I can't smoke weed. It's like WTF am I supposed to do you know? I just binged on a bunch of crap and am bloated now, and I don't feel any better, actually I just feel a hell of a lot worse because I can't go run off those calories in the morning.
I really just hate that I can't just stand being normal. Just sitting with myself and my thoughts and being just...sober...it just feels...uncomfortable.
I don't know that I'm conveying what I mean, and I don't know why I'm posting this I just needed to say all this to someone. I'm having a really hard to resisting the urge to go take that pain med and just not be straight.
I've been having really bad cravings since yesterday. My anxiety is at an all time high because of weight-related issues from lack of exercise I feel pent up because I'm really still too tired/run down to do much and I just feel like there's not much I can do to make it better.
I am going to a meeting tomorrow. I gotta. It won't be the same cos it's not my home group or whatever but it's better the nothing.
Now I just gotta make it through tonight... I don't know if I can. Part of me is tying to say that if I take that pain med it isn't the same thing as drinking since I'm not addicted to Oxy but then I'm just like it's all really the same thing in the end isn't it?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
I was sick of normal too at 30 days or so FF.
thing is ...that's not normal...it's the beginnings of normal.
Right now you're future tripping, and your addict side loves fear.
You'll work out all those little kinks about what to do when you're stressed or tired or shut or anxious.
If we didn't noone would stay sober.
It's been a rough week for you east coast guys - hit that meeting tomorrow FF
D
thing is ...that's not normal...it's the beginnings of normal.
Right now you're future tripping, and your addict side loves fear.
You'll work out all those little kinks about what to do when you're stressed or tired or shut or anxious.
If we didn't noone would stay sober.
It's been a rough week for you east coast guys - hit that meeting tomorrow FF
D
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Sorry it has been tough today. Is there anyone that could hold the pils for you? Or if you do need them could you even get rid of them?
Sorry you can not work out. That is a tough situatuion that gets me down to when I get injuredd. It just sucks. Maybe a book, movie or any distraction to gets through tonight would help..??
I wil spare you the old standard comments. You know the choices and consequences. Just want you to know that you are not alone. Hope you do what you need to do to get through this.
Sorry you can not work out. That is a tough situatuion that gets me down to when I get injuredd. It just sucks. Maybe a book, movie or any distraction to gets through tonight would help..??
I wil spare you the old standard comments. You know the choices and consequences. Just want you to know that you are not alone. Hope you do what you need to do to get through this.
Trying to Enjoy Life Now
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Posts: 275
Sounds like you've been around long enough to know the drill. No one has any magic words to pull ya out. Read a book, play a game, listen to a podcast (highly recommended: Dan Carlin - Common Sense Archive or whatever blows your hair back.
Remember how you felt when you arrived - helps me!
Remember how you felt when you arrived - helps me!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
What you are experiencing sounds similar to what happened to me before I got sober. I liken it to the window of opportunity closing. It seems I have had a number of these, periods of time of unreliable length, but usually between two weeks and a couple of months where i stop drinking and feel quite good for a while.
I wasn't doing anything else than not drinking and an occasional meeting. What happened as the window closed was I became increasingly unconfortable and restless, bored, irritable, and on one occasion sunk into an awful depression. In every case drank again.
Finally I came to AA willing to do the work and within a short time the obsession was removed.
As I came out of the 90 in 90 I was well on with my 9th step and guess what? The world had changed, from a cold unwelcoming place into an attractive warm place full of nice people and interesting things and even better, there was a place in it for me. I could hold my head up and look the world in the eye, and feel like I belonged.
Keeping the window open and stepping through it into a new and wonderful life takes work and effort. How are you getting on with your 4th step? That is where the real work starts.
I wasn't doing anything else than not drinking and an occasional meeting. What happened as the window closed was I became increasingly unconfortable and restless, bored, irritable, and on one occasion sunk into an awful depression. In every case drank again.
Finally I came to AA willing to do the work and within a short time the obsession was removed.
As I came out of the 90 in 90 I was well on with my 9th step and guess what? The world had changed, from a cold unwelcoming place into an attractive warm place full of nice people and interesting things and even better, there was a place in it for me. I could hold my head up and look the world in the eye, and feel like I belonged.
Keeping the window open and stepping through it into a new and wonderful life takes work and effort. How are you getting on with your 4th step? That is where the real work starts.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Fenway,
Sorry you are future tripping like Dee said. (love that wording Dee!) He is right that life can be tough sometimes but never throws us anything so bad that it won't be worse under the influence. And infinitely worse the next day when we crash on waking up, and have to make the decision to rush headlong into relapse or not, which we may not survive if it lasts long enough.
Read a book you like for fun, get some rest, stay with us, we can make it together. Self indulgence is hard to deny. Takes determination, no?
Sorry you are future tripping like Dee said. (love that wording Dee!) He is right that life can be tough sometimes but never throws us anything so bad that it won't be worse under the influence. And infinitely worse the next day when we crash on waking up, and have to make the decision to rush headlong into relapse or not, which we may not survive if it lasts long enough.
Read a book you like for fun, get some rest, stay with us, we can make it together. Self indulgence is hard to deny. Takes determination, no?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: mountains of BC, Canada
Posts: 246
Fenway I COMPLETELY understand when you feel so frustrated because the outlet that helps you(running) is not an option then you go off on a bender with food. I did the same last night. I have no time for my fitness right now(I am honestly that busy with work at the moment) and instead of drinking I binge ate last night. Nice. Felt like hell.
I will tell you to try really really hard not to let this moment take you down though. Can you call someone?????? I have some AA buddies on speed dial now. Haven't had to use them yet but I sure will hit the button if I get pretty sure I might give in.
You have come a really long way. Let that strong athlete inside of you beat down the destructive AV.
The uncomfortable is not forever and you will sort through it. Taking steps backwards will just prolong the work that will still have to come at some point.
Do anything...read, put music on and paint your toenails.
I don't have wisdom or an answer I just hope you make it through this one.
I believe in you.
I will tell you to try really really hard not to let this moment take you down though. Can you call someone?????? I have some AA buddies on speed dial now. Haven't had to use them yet but I sure will hit the button if I get pretty sure I might give in.
You have come a really long way. Let that strong athlete inside of you beat down the destructive AV.
The uncomfortable is not forever and you will sort through it. Taking steps backwards will just prolong the work that will still have to come at some point.
Do anything...read, put music on and paint your toenails.
I don't have wisdom or an answer I just hope you make it through this one.
I believe in you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Thanks so much for the quick replies everyone
You really help put things into perspective.
Right now I'm ready smut magazines about random crap.
Why are people still talking about Brittany Spears? Isn't she old news by now? Haha.
I'm going to keep trying to keep myself distracted. Sometimes I just get so caught up in thinking about a month from now or tomorrow or a year and NEVER drinking again and it all feels like too much, I guess that's why they say take it one day at a time.
I should just get rid of the pain medication I have, I doubt I'll need it again. If the temptation isn't there I'm sure I'd be a lot better off.
As for the steps I'm still working through step 1 I found a potential sponsor but that kind of got put on hold when I got sick, I was also supposed to go to a program but that's on hold too...I'll figure that all out when I go back to my own apartment
I'm glad I'm not alone. It's always nice to know I'm not just crazy. Okay I am CRAZY but I'm not the ONLY crazy one Hahaha...
I think not being able to run is really really tough for me. It quickly became my coping mechanism and it makes me high too so I am really missing that a lot.
I gotta stop eating all the stuff I am (Halloween candy is EVIL) because it only makes me feel a lot worse.
You really help put things into perspective.
Right now I'm ready smut magazines about random crap.
Why are people still talking about Brittany Spears? Isn't she old news by now? Haha.
I'm going to keep trying to keep myself distracted. Sometimes I just get so caught up in thinking about a month from now or tomorrow or a year and NEVER drinking again and it all feels like too much, I guess that's why they say take it one day at a time.
I should just get rid of the pain medication I have, I doubt I'll need it again. If the temptation isn't there I'm sure I'd be a lot better off.
As for the steps I'm still working through step 1 I found a potential sponsor but that kind of got put on hold when I got sick, I was also supposed to go to a program but that's on hold too...I'll figure that all out when I go back to my own apartment
I'm glad I'm not alone. It's always nice to know I'm not just crazy. Okay I am CRAZY but I'm not the ONLY crazy one Hahaha...
I think not being able to run is really really tough for me. It quickly became my coping mechanism and it makes me high too so I am really missing that a lot.
I gotta stop eating all the stuff I am (Halloween candy is EVIL) because it only makes me feel a lot worse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: mountains of BC, Canada
Posts: 246
YAY FF!!!! one minute at a time tonight. and yes...ditch the meds. I could not cope will with options in the house. you WILL run and you WILL get that completely wickedly legit and WONDERFUL high that is second to none.
GO GIRL!!!
GO GIRL!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13
This helped me get through some serious white knuckling. I had it on my phone as an evernote (Thanks Joe). Hope it helps you. Call someone, talk it out. Good luck.
These steps to handle (and beat) an addiction are not perfect, but they work:
- Breathe in. Nice and slow. Count to three as you inhale.
- Breathe out. Again, nice and slow. Count one, two, three as you exhale.
- There. Six seconds. You just spent six seconds without it.
- Now again. Breathe in. Breathe out. Ten times. You've just spent a minute. It didn't control you for a full minute.
- Try to string together a few minutes. It's going to be tough. You're going to think about it. You can't help but think about it. It's powerful. It's got you. But not right now. Right now, you've got you under control. Breathe.
- Has it been an hour? Check the clock. It's been an hour. Sixty minutes have gone by, and you've stood strong. Sixty minutes now belong to you.
- Can you do that 23 more times?
- You need to talk it out. You need to hold it together. You need to call your most trusted friend(s); the one who knows you well enough not to tell you everything's going to be okay. You need to talk to someone who will listen to the lies you've already told yourself and believe, and tell you they are lies. You need that person who knows you better than you want to know yourself right now.
- If you don't have a person like that in your life, you need to find a group. Any group. Even if your addiction isn't alcohol or narcotics, go to the group. Go somewhere, anywhere, where you cannot lie to yourself, and you cannot escape truth.
- You are alone now. It's night, or it's day, or it's a few days or weeks later. You're alone. You've beat it this long. Things are hard. You remember how it felt. You miss it. But you know it's no good for you... But if you can just get one fix, just one fix, you'll be alright. You've gone this long. You deserve a reward. You deserve it.
- Did you see the lie? Did you call it out? You deserve a reward which is indulging in the thing you've kept from indulging in. It's a lie. It's like saying "if you can go x days without killing yourself, your reward is killing yourself." It's your ego. It's protecting you from the pain. It wants you to believe it's you. It wants you to believe it's got your best interest in mind. It doesn't, it just wants the pain to go away.
- What have you replaced the time with? What are you doing with your days and nights now that you're not in the stuff? What are you doing? Do you have a replacement? Find a replacement. Write. Draw. Bike. Run. Swim. Talk to your friend. Go to your group. Let the clock turn in your absence; earn more minutes and more hours and more days clean. You're in control.
- You've gotten past the pain. You've gotten past the cravings. You see an old friend from the scene, or hear a story from the old guard, or get a whiff of that smell; that familiar smell... LEAVE. NOW. They're not your friends. Addicts are addicts first, and whatever else they may be second. They are not your friends; they're fixers. Misery loves company. Don't know them. Don't want to know them. Leave. LEAVE.
- When was the last time you even thought about your addiction? Remember? You should. Keep track. Know that you're STILL susceptible. Even if it's not the old stuff, you've got an addict's blood. You've got a predisposition for escapism. You've won so many battles by earning those minutes and hours, days and weeks, months and years being in control. To win the war: You must build a life you do not want to escape from.
- What have you done differently? What's new? Who are you now? Do you recognize yourself? Do you even know who that person that inhabited your body was? I hope not. And I hope you never forget who they were.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful 
Nothing happened.
It was a perfectly pleasant day. Boring but pleasant. Ran some errands. Got a coffee, paid my rent, picked up some groceries for my parents...little Day to day things. Finally feeling better.
But I want to drink or use or just not be sober/straight.
Nothing is wrong. I'm not upset, I'm not really stressed, school will work itself out. I didn't get into a fight with my parents, in fact we're doing well. My prof's are being very understanding and have assured me we will work things out for the semester. And yet right now I just want to drink. Not get drunk, just a few drinks, a little buzz.
I'm sick of being NORMAL. You know just a normal damn state of mind. I'm bored. I'm in my own head too much. I was too sick for a week to even realize I missed alcohol. Now that I'm better it kind of sucks.
I've got a bottle of Roxicet downstairs, a form of Oxy from when I was in severe pain last week, and I don't need it right now but I am really tempted to go take a dose. Like really really tempted.
It's a craving I know it'll pass. I know it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been to a meeting in over a week from being sick. And the fact that my doctor said I'm out of exercise for a few weeks.
I can't run. Running is my outlet. I can't run. I can't drink. I can't smoke weed. It's like WTF am I supposed to do you know? I just binged on a bunch of crap and am bloated now, and I don't feel any better, actually I just feel a hell of a lot worse because I can't go run off those calories in the morning.
I really just hate that I can't just stand being normal. Just sitting with myself and my thoughts and being just...sober...it just feels...uncomfortable.
I don't know that I'm conveying what I mean, and I don't know why I'm posting this I just needed to say all this to someone. I'm having a really hard to resisting the urge to go take that pain med and just not be straight.
I've been having really bad cravings since yesterday. My anxiety is at an all time high because of weight-related issues from lack of exercise I feel pent up because I'm really still too tired/run down to do much and I just feel like there's not much I can do to make it better.
I am going to a meeting tomorrow. I gotta. It won't be the same cos it's not my home group or whatever but it's better the nothing.
Now I just gotta make it through tonight... I don't know if I can. Part of me is tying to say that if I take that pain med it isn't the same thing as drinking since I'm not addicted to Oxy but then I'm just like it's all really the same thing in the end isn't it?
It was a perfectly pleasant day. Boring but pleasant. Ran some errands. Got a coffee, paid my rent, picked up some groceries for my parents...little Day to day things. Finally feeling better.
But I want to drink or use or just not be sober/straight.
Nothing is wrong. I'm not upset, I'm not really stressed, school will work itself out. I didn't get into a fight with my parents, in fact we're doing well. My prof's are being very understanding and have assured me we will work things out for the semester. And yet right now I just want to drink. Not get drunk, just a few drinks, a little buzz.
I'm sick of being NORMAL. You know just a normal damn state of mind. I'm bored. I'm in my own head too much. I was too sick for a week to even realize I missed alcohol. Now that I'm better it kind of sucks.
I've got a bottle of Roxicet downstairs, a form of Oxy from when I was in severe pain last week, and I don't need it right now but I am really tempted to go take a dose. Like really really tempted.
It's a craving I know it'll pass. I know it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been to a meeting in over a week from being sick. And the fact that my doctor said I'm out of exercise for a few weeks.
I can't run. Running is my outlet. I can't run. I can't drink. I can't smoke weed. It's like WTF am I supposed to do you know? I just binged on a bunch of crap and am bloated now, and I don't feel any better, actually I just feel a hell of a lot worse because I can't go run off those calories in the morning.
I really just hate that I can't just stand being normal. Just sitting with myself and my thoughts and being just...sober...it just feels...uncomfortable.
I don't know that I'm conveying what I mean, and I don't know why I'm posting this I just needed to say all this to someone. I'm having a really hard to resisting the urge to go take that pain med and just not be straight.
I've been having really bad cravings since yesterday. My anxiety is at an all time high because of weight-related issues from lack of exercise I feel pent up because I'm really still too tired/run down to do much and I just feel like there's not much I can do to make it better.
I am going to a meeting tomorrow. I gotta. It won't be the same cos it's not my home group or whatever but it's better the nothing.
Now I just gotta make it through tonight... I don't know if I can. Part of me is tying to say that if I take that pain med it isn't the same thing as drinking since I'm not addicted to Oxy but then I'm just like it's all really the same thing in the end isn't it?
Can you put a pot of coffee on and listen to Sandy B. on XA, an AA speaker?
He talks about being happy when sober.
Start with step one
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
Sandy B. from Washington, DC speaking on the topic of the 1st step at the Saturday Morning Live Group in Washington, DC - January 1st 1994
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
My apartment reeks of alcohol right now.
Dad made Mom another drink tonight and I can't escape the smell...
It's like it' calling to me.
I went into my bedroom and shut the door and sprayed a bunch of perfume but I just can't get the smell out.
I loved being buzzed. I loved the happy, flighty, giggily relaxed feeling you get after a few drinks. I love not feeling so uptight and just being able to chill, laugh and joy other people's company.
If I'm being honest I Hate a lot of people sober. I find carrying on conversations taxing. I find my friends get annoying and I jut get BORED.
I think about never drinking again and I feel like that means I'll never have any fun again. There's been times when I've enjoyed drinking, where I was with my family or a couple close friends and it was just a good time. But when I get a good buzz, I always want more. I need know when to stop. I know that but I keep trying to tell myself I could learn.
I've heard all the stories of people in AA> How they fell into that trap but I want to believe that I'm different. That if I can make it this many days without drinking maybe I can just teach myself to drink normally.
Or I get to thinking about how drugs were never really a huge issue for me. They never got out of control and how maybe I could just use occasionally since I'e always been able to keep that under control. Maybe just some pills to help me sleep or E for when I go out, even tho I don't even like E very much. Drugs like that always made me anxious. Or Weed I mean for me it's lke Weed never hurt anyone. Never made me do anything stupid. It just made me giggily and happy. It never had the negative effects that alcohol does.
It's just like I feel SO obsessed with the thought of drugs lately, how I might get them, if I could just keep that under control. I know it's probably stupid but just thought of never being high or drunk again, is a really scary one to me.
I mean I just don't know that I can do it. I know this post is so different from the one I posted a few days ago but I guess I'm just in a different state of mind. I did go to a meeting today but it wasn't the same as my other meeting where I know people and people know me.
I just feel like there is an empty void inside me and I need something, some way to fill that up and I wanna feel HAPPY not just fine. I've felt so flat the last few weeks but never HAPPY. I feel like I can only achieve a fake sense of that. And even tho it's fake at least it's something.
Dad made Mom another drink tonight and I can't escape the smell...
It's like it' calling to me.
I went into my bedroom and shut the door and sprayed a bunch of perfume but I just can't get the smell out.
I loved being buzzed. I loved the happy, flighty, giggily relaxed feeling you get after a few drinks. I love not feeling so uptight and just being able to chill, laugh and joy other people's company.
If I'm being honest I Hate a lot of people sober. I find carrying on conversations taxing. I find my friends get annoying and I jut get BORED.
I think about never drinking again and I feel like that means I'll never have any fun again. There's been times when I've enjoyed drinking, where I was with my family or a couple close friends and it was just a good time. But when I get a good buzz, I always want more. I need know when to stop. I know that but I keep trying to tell myself I could learn.
I've heard all the stories of people in AA> How they fell into that trap but I want to believe that I'm different. That if I can make it this many days without drinking maybe I can just teach myself to drink normally.
Or I get to thinking about how drugs were never really a huge issue for me. They never got out of control and how maybe I could just use occasionally since I'e always been able to keep that under control. Maybe just some pills to help me sleep or E for when I go out, even tho I don't even like E very much. Drugs like that always made me anxious. Or Weed I mean for me it's lke Weed never hurt anyone. Never made me do anything stupid. It just made me giggily and happy. It never had the negative effects that alcohol does.
It's just like I feel SO obsessed with the thought of drugs lately, how I might get them, if I could just keep that under control. I know it's probably stupid but just thought of never being high or drunk again, is a really scary one to me.
I mean I just don't know that I can do it. I know this post is so different from the one I posted a few days ago but I guess I'm just in a different state of mind. I did go to a meeting today but it wasn't the same as my other meeting where I know people and people know me.
I just feel like there is an empty void inside me and I need something, some way to fill that up and I wanna feel HAPPY not just fine. I've felt so flat the last few weeks but never HAPPY. I feel like I can only achieve a fake sense of that. And even tho it's fake at least it's something.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
I'd go and re-read some old posts FF.
Drinking was not just about being buzzed or the happy, flighty, giggily relaxed feelings...it wasn't all fun...the consequences really sucked...as did the weeks wasted on benders, the people we hurt and things we lost.
There is fun happiness and joy on the other side - do you really think any of us would be sober if there wasn't?
It takes time, effort...and patience...to get there tho.
Did you hit that meeting today?
D
Drinking was not just about being buzzed or the happy, flighty, giggily relaxed feelings...it wasn't all fun...the consequences really sucked...as did the weeks wasted on benders, the people we hurt and things we lost.
There is fun happiness and joy on the other side - do you really think any of us would be sober if there wasn't?
It takes time, effort...and patience...to get there tho.
Did you hit that meeting today?
D
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Amen Dee!
FF, I'd take that very good advice because you are talking like you already decided to go back. Please think it through. We all know we can never control our DOCs. I was an out of control drinker too you know. Drinking sucked and I almost killed myself with my self indulgence. I don't miss it. I am not deprived of it. I am free of it. I don't wail about never getting that stoned feeling again or fool myself that things were more exciting or interesting. I am thankful every day that I broke free and never have to go back again!
Choose to? Want to? Not no but hell no!
Try to fool myself that I can control it? Why would I want to control being under the influence, acting stupid, slurring and stumbling, being loud and proud of my insensitivity to anything not to with my drinking.
Maybe I am missing something I forgot in my reveling in health and clear headedness?
FF, I'd take that very good advice because you are talking like you already decided to go back. Please think it through. We all know we can never control our DOCs. I was an out of control drinker too you know. Drinking sucked and I almost killed myself with my self indulgence. I don't miss it. I am not deprived of it. I am free of it. I don't wail about never getting that stoned feeling again or fool myself that things were more exciting or interesting. I am thankful every day that I broke free and never have to go back again!
Choose to? Want to? Not no but hell no!
Try to fool myself that I can control it? Why would I want to control being under the influence, acting stupid, slurring and stumbling, being loud and proud of my insensitivity to anything not to with my drinking.
Maybe I am missing something I forgot in my reveling in health and clear headedness?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NW USA
Posts: 41
"Its not worth it" Thats what I tell myself everytime I see a bottle of anything now. Keep going bud! I know what you mean, its hard to think that you'll never drink again and you want to be able to manage it. For us its simple, we can't manage it. Its funny how my parents don't understand that I can't even have one or two.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Well I ended up taking some of those pain meds.
I did have a headache but that was really just an excuse…they are meant for severe pain, not a headache that I could have taken Advil for.
It just makes me feel more relaxed. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin before. And I’m back to now being able to sleep.
Hopefully my parents don’t realize there are pills missing or I’ll have hell to pay.
I doubt they counted them but who knows.
My anxiety is SO bad. I’m not using is as an excuse exactly I just needed to slow my mind down. Anyway it honestly didn’t do much I guess I’m a little more relaxed, and the headaches gone.
I know the effect alcohol has on me, but I keep trying to justify the thought of smoking weed or being able to use recreationally. Even tho I know the whole idea of AA or recovery is not to give in to any kind of addiction.
I’ve never really been all that tempted by drugs, they’re expensive and they tend to get you into legal trouble and I’ve always looked at drug addiction was worse than alcohol addiction or harder to quit or whatever, plus I know even if I were to just smoke weed sometimes, that would quickly get out of control.
Truth is I really need to man up and learn to deal with life and my thoughts and EVERYTHING without turning to alcohol or drugs or a relationship. It’d just be a different poison.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was doing good, feeling good, wanting to stay sober, seeing everything clearly and I do still see things clearly, still know deep down that I can’t drink normally but then there’s that addict voice inside of me saying “Well maybe you could, you’ve gone so far you deserve it” or it tries to say “Okay not alcohol, but maybe something else”
Even tho every logical fiber of my being is screaming at me for being so stupid, it’s like that addict part is inside begging me to be soothed and it’s getting hard to ignore. The worst of all of this is over, as far as the physical cravings, so why is this so hard?
Maybe it’s just lack of being able to go to the meetings where I’ve gotten to know people, lack of a routine or whatever? IDK but the past few days have been really tough and I’m starting to think the notion of never drinking again is impossible and it’s only inevitable that I’m going to relapse and how maybe it isn’t relapsing if I “Control” it.
Like why is it that after EVERYTHING, I still try and say “Well maybe this time will be different” It isn’t. Why can’t I just accept that? Why is part of me fighting SO HARD to deny it?
I guess taking the narcotics I had is kind of a relapse, even tho it isn't alcohol...it might as well be. I just know I won't feel the same sense of regret I would have if I'd gone out and drank. Besides I don't really feel anything, minus my headache being gone. And being a little more relaxed.
Anyway I guess it's still a failure all the same...but I mean I didn't drink...God knows. I'm rambelng now
I think what I am having the hardest time with is me obsession with wanting to use drugs. Because I know what alcohol does to me, and I know all the horrible negative effects it has, but I've never experienced that with drugs before, I've experimented here and there, always loved weed (doesn't everyone?) but never had any problems, never any negative consequences tho I have sure as hell seen other people suffer from drugs...
What the hell am the person who ALWAYS Needs to be burned, often more then once before I realize the fire is hot?
I just keep thinking like maybe I can be a recreational drug user instead of drinking because I could probably control that, even tho that probably makes no sense at all.
I guess I'm just looking to trade on addiction for another.
Also I realize how messed up, awful, assbackwards, wrong and illogial all of this is part it's like there's two parts of me and both are trying so hard to tell me they're right.
Running would REALLY help me. It's seriously like...it keeps me sane. For an hour or two a day I thought about NOTHING else but the road and my music and pushing myself, everything else was silenced. And I was outside of myself, naturally high, not in my head, in a different state of mind...only other way I've ever been able to do that is alcohol or drugs...I am honestly going crazy not being able to run because i am just in that Normal State ALL the time. Or whatever the hell kind of state you're in 30 days after you stop drinking...I could escape my head when I ran (or when I drank or used) but now I like legit don't know how.
Sorry I keep rambling on sometimes it helps for me to write things out and read them in the morning.
I just feel really weak and pathetic and I want to be better then this.
I did have a headache but that was really just an excuse…they are meant for severe pain, not a headache that I could have taken Advil for.
It just makes me feel more relaxed. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin before. And I’m back to now being able to sleep.
Hopefully my parents don’t realize there are pills missing or I’ll have hell to pay.
I doubt they counted them but who knows.
My anxiety is SO bad. I’m not using is as an excuse exactly I just needed to slow my mind down. Anyway it honestly didn’t do much I guess I’m a little more relaxed, and the headaches gone.
I know the effect alcohol has on me, but I keep trying to justify the thought of smoking weed or being able to use recreationally. Even tho I know the whole idea of AA or recovery is not to give in to any kind of addiction.
I’ve never really been all that tempted by drugs, they’re expensive and they tend to get you into legal trouble and I’ve always looked at drug addiction was worse than alcohol addiction or harder to quit or whatever, plus I know even if I were to just smoke weed sometimes, that would quickly get out of control.
Truth is I really need to man up and learn to deal with life and my thoughts and EVERYTHING without turning to alcohol or drugs or a relationship. It’d just be a different poison.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was doing good, feeling good, wanting to stay sober, seeing everything clearly and I do still see things clearly, still know deep down that I can’t drink normally but then there’s that addict voice inside of me saying “Well maybe you could, you’ve gone so far you deserve it” or it tries to say “Okay not alcohol, but maybe something else”
Even tho every logical fiber of my being is screaming at me for being so stupid, it’s like that addict part is inside begging me to be soothed and it’s getting hard to ignore. The worst of all of this is over, as far as the physical cravings, so why is this so hard?
Maybe it’s just lack of being able to go to the meetings where I’ve gotten to know people, lack of a routine or whatever? IDK but the past few days have been really tough and I’m starting to think the notion of never drinking again is impossible and it’s only inevitable that I’m going to relapse and how maybe it isn’t relapsing if I “Control” it.
Like why is it that after EVERYTHING, I still try and say “Well maybe this time will be different” It isn’t. Why can’t I just accept that? Why is part of me fighting SO HARD to deny it?
I guess taking the narcotics I had is kind of a relapse, even tho it isn't alcohol...it might as well be. I just know I won't feel the same sense of regret I would have if I'd gone out and drank. Besides I don't really feel anything, minus my headache being gone. And being a little more relaxed.
Anyway I guess it's still a failure all the same...but I mean I didn't drink...God knows. I'm rambelng now
I think what I am having the hardest time with is me obsession with wanting to use drugs. Because I know what alcohol does to me, and I know all the horrible negative effects it has, but I've never experienced that with drugs before, I've experimented here and there, always loved weed (doesn't everyone?) but never had any problems, never any negative consequences tho I have sure as hell seen other people suffer from drugs...
What the hell am the person who ALWAYS Needs to be burned, often more then once before I realize the fire is hot?
I just keep thinking like maybe I can be a recreational drug user instead of drinking because I could probably control that, even tho that probably makes no sense at all.
I guess I'm just looking to trade on addiction for another.
Also I realize how messed up, awful, assbackwards, wrong and illogial all of this is part it's like there's two parts of me and both are trying so hard to tell me they're right.
Running would REALLY help me. It's seriously like...it keeps me sane. For an hour or two a day I thought about NOTHING else but the road and my music and pushing myself, everything else was silenced. And I was outside of myself, naturally high, not in my head, in a different state of mind...only other way I've ever been able to do that is alcohol or drugs...I am honestly going crazy not being able to run because i am just in that Normal State ALL the time. Or whatever the hell kind of state you're in 30 days after you stop drinking...I could escape my head when I ran (or when I drank or used) but now I like legit don't know how.
Sorry I keep rambling on sometimes it helps for me to write things out and read them in the morning.
I just feel really weak and pathetic and I want to be better then this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
i have some blunt responses but its only because i really care and tou need to really where youre at right now.
You say you're not as tempted by drugs but you took prescription pain meds for pain that could have been handled by over the counter pain meds.
The reason your drugging never got out of control is because your addiction was being fulfilled and distracted by your alcoholing. Now that alcohol is gone, if you start down the road of drugs, drugging will now get out of control. And as you said, you think drug addiction is worse than alcohol addiction is. This is a pivotal moment where you can decide to not trade in alcoholism for drug addiction. We all drank or drugged because we were trying to get out of our heads. We're looking for altered mental status no matter what were using. And it slowly but surely will get out of control. I have forced myself to continue sitting with the negative thoughts and feelings numerous occasions. It's not fun but brighter is addiction and this is the only way to beat addiction. I have been forcing myself to accept there are going be anger, sadness, and whatever unpleasantness. Normal people deal with the same things without using. I am aspiring to that. I know it's not easy and it's not fun and its really really uncomfortable but we have to do it or were wasting or lives. It gets better overall over time. Anything in your head that says you can learn to control it or you can dabble in other stuff is just plain outright lying. It's lying to get what it wants but it doesn't understand the consequences. But you do. Tell it "blah blah blah shut the hell up." Please tell your parents that you were triggered by your mothers drink. I don't think they should be drinking around you. You went to them for support and they need to know that's not supportive. You need to give them the pills. I can't tell you how monumental this moment is for you, reading from the outside. I wish the best for you.
You say you're not as tempted by drugs but you took prescription pain meds for pain that could have been handled by over the counter pain meds.
The reason your drugging never got out of control is because your addiction was being fulfilled and distracted by your alcoholing. Now that alcohol is gone, if you start down the road of drugs, drugging will now get out of control. And as you said, you think drug addiction is worse than alcohol addiction is. This is a pivotal moment where you can decide to not trade in alcoholism for drug addiction. We all drank or drugged because we were trying to get out of our heads. We're looking for altered mental status no matter what were using. And it slowly but surely will get out of control. I have forced myself to continue sitting with the negative thoughts and feelings numerous occasions. It's not fun but brighter is addiction and this is the only way to beat addiction. I have been forcing myself to accept there are going be anger, sadness, and whatever unpleasantness. Normal people deal with the same things without using. I am aspiring to that. I know it's not easy and it's not fun and its really really uncomfortable but we have to do it or were wasting or lives. It gets better overall over time. Anything in your head that says you can learn to control it or you can dabble in other stuff is just plain outright lying. It's lying to get what it wants but it doesn't understand the consequences. But you do. Tell it "blah blah blah shut the hell up." Please tell your parents that you were triggered by your mothers drink. I don't think they should be drinking around you. You went to them for support and they need to know that's not supportive. You need to give them the pills. I can't tell you how monumental this moment is for you, reading from the outside. I wish the best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
No offense taken to your post at all OneLessLonely! You just said everything the logical part of me knows to be true.
My Dad locked up the medication just in case I ever nee it but it is not longer in my access. I will not trade one addiction for another. If I want to give into drugs I might as well just stop making any effort to be sober because it will all lead to the same place.
I had a hard night tonight. My Mom drank at dinner got a little drunk an then picked a fight with me about my recent weight loss. Things got a little nasty and emotional and stressful and it turned into an hour of be berated and she honestly wasn't even making sense.
IDK I'm probably all overly sensitive but I'm starting to question if my Mom's drinking is normal? I have roommate but none of them drink so it's been a lot easier to stay sober there as opposed to here where it feels like I'm around alcohol all the time!
I mean I know I can't be selfish and expect them not to drink, that isn't fair, but it's been a little hard to cope.
Anyway my parents are saying they ban me from running for 3 months even if the Dr says it's okay, I think this is because they are concerned about my weight. I don't know if I can make it sober for 3 more months if I can't run.
I mean I could just run when I'm not with them once the Doc says it's okay I should be moving back to my place soon but when I am staying at my parents that's when I need to run the most and they told me if they catch me they'll take away grad school funding etc BC that's how "Serious this is" and how it could put me in the hospital.
Guess I just gotta take it one day at a time. I've had a few bad days sober and I've made it through. I just gotta keep doing it. Alcohol never solved anything. Drugs won either.
My Dad locked up the medication just in case I ever nee it but it is not longer in my access. I will not trade one addiction for another. If I want to give into drugs I might as well just stop making any effort to be sober because it will all lead to the same place.
I had a hard night tonight. My Mom drank at dinner got a little drunk an then picked a fight with me about my recent weight loss. Things got a little nasty and emotional and stressful and it turned into an hour of be berated and she honestly wasn't even making sense.
IDK I'm probably all overly sensitive but I'm starting to question if my Mom's drinking is normal? I have roommate but none of them drink so it's been a lot easier to stay sober there as opposed to here where it feels like I'm around alcohol all the time!
I mean I know I can't be selfish and expect them not to drink, that isn't fair, but it's been a little hard to cope.
Anyway my parents are saying they ban me from running for 3 months even if the Dr says it's okay, I think this is because they are concerned about my weight. I don't know if I can make it sober for 3 more months if I can't run.
I mean I could just run when I'm not with them once the Doc says it's okay I should be moving back to my place soon but when I am staying at my parents that's when I need to run the most and they told me if they catch me they'll take away grad school funding etc BC that's how "Serious this is" and how it could put me in the hospital.
Guess I just gotta take it one day at a time. I've had a few bad days sober and I've made it through. I just gotta keep doing it. Alcohol never solved anything. Drugs won either.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
No offense taken to your post at all OneLessLonely! You just said everything the logical part of me knows to be true.
My Dad locked up the medication just in case I ever nee it but it is not longer in my access. I will not trade one addiction for another. If I want to give into drugs I might as well just stop making any effort to be sober because it will all lead to the same place.
I had a hard night tonight. My Mom drank at dinner got a little drunk an then picked a fight with me about my recent weight loss. Things got a little nasty and emotional and stressful and it turned into an hour of be berated and she honestly wasn't even making sense.
IDK I'm probably all overly sensitive but I'm starting to question if my Mom's drinking is normal? I have roommate but none of them drink so it's been a lot easier to stay sober there as opposed to here where it feels like I'm around alcohol all the time!
I mean I know I can't be selfish and expect them not to drink, that isn't fair, but it's been a little hard to cope.
Anyway my parents are saying they ban me from running for 3 months even if the Dr says it's okay, I think this is because they are concerned about my weight. I don't know if I can make it sober for 3 more months if I can't run.
I mean I could just run when I'm not with them once the Doc says it's okay I should be moving back to my place soon but when I am staying at my parents that's when I need to run the most and they told me if they catch me they'll take away grad school funding etc BC that's how "Serious this is" and how it could put me in the hospital.
Guess I just gotta take it one day at a time. I've had a few bad days sober and I've made it through. I just gotta keep doing it. Alcohol never solved anything. Drugs won either.
My Dad locked up the medication just in case I ever nee it but it is not longer in my access. I will not trade one addiction for another. If I want to give into drugs I might as well just stop making any effort to be sober because it will all lead to the same place.
I had a hard night tonight. My Mom drank at dinner got a little drunk an then picked a fight with me about my recent weight loss. Things got a little nasty and emotional and stressful and it turned into an hour of be berated and she honestly wasn't even making sense.
IDK I'm probably all overly sensitive but I'm starting to question if my Mom's drinking is normal? I have roommate but none of them drink so it's been a lot easier to stay sober there as opposed to here where it feels like I'm around alcohol all the time!
I mean I know I can't be selfish and expect them not to drink, that isn't fair, but it's been a little hard to cope.
Anyway my parents are saying they ban me from running for 3 months even if the Dr says it's okay, I think this is because they are concerned about my weight. I don't know if I can make it sober for 3 more months if I can't run.
I mean I could just run when I'm not with them once the Doc says it's okay I should be moving back to my place soon but when I am staying at my parents that's when I need to run the most and they told me if they catch me they'll take away grad school funding etc BC that's how "Serious this is" and how it could put me in the hospital.
Guess I just gotta take it one day at a time. I've had a few bad days sober and I've made it through. I just gotta keep doing it. Alcohol never solved anything. Drugs won either.
If you have to take it one hour at a time for a while, you can get on top of this thing. The compulsion will go away. Wash the windows if they come back. And then wash them again.
The Buddhists say "chop wood and carry water". They mean that the most mundane things can be spiritual. And they're right.
And if you don't like or can't get to meetings, speak to a friend or loved one.
And there's always the chat room here.
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