trailrunrbyday

So here I am. I started my first 24 hours by going to an AA meeting. It was really really nice....great support etc when I doubted it would be something I would be comfortable in.

I left there and here I am 5 days later with absolutely NO problem not drinking.

No physical side effects. I'm sleeping great(convinces me alcohol never had a place in my regular routine!), no problem avoiding. I was walking by a friend's house very cold and eager for warmth(snow here and I had been out for hours seeing clients) when a good friend popped her head out and said "HEY..come on in and have a beer and some chicken wings!" This is something I would do...stop by her place when in the neighbourhood and we would have one or two beers and whatever she had on for dinner. I replied "No, Kath...thanks anyways but I just have a few more stops then home for dinner". She said "OH Come ON...half a beer....half a beer never hurt anybody!" It was innocent, she doesn't know what I am up to. And honestly...I believe I could have had a beer or half a beer, went home and not been obsessed with getting more. I just chose to stick with my plan...I replied "we'll see...I'll stop by if I can" and home I went.

Last night...a VERY close friend's daughter had her baptism. My husband and I went along with our closest circle of friends. Friends we always camp with, have dinner parties with, have parties with, go out with...and drink with. GREAT bunch of people.

Back at their house afterwards it's a Friday night and the drinks are flowing. My husband and I stuck to tea with many offers of drinks and "what's going on?" looks from friends. We easily alleviated the questions as I had to work for another couple of hours after the party (my job is serious in nature) and my husband had to get up at 3:00 to leave for his..... but I still didn't struggle.

I did feel annoyed. I did want a glass of wine with my girlfriends. I did want one or two not 10 glasses...

I also went to a counsellor arranged through my work. I gave him my honest everything about amounts/frequency of consumption etc and other issues I have in my life(not going into detail regarding abuse, body image, stress and challenges). He is having me work through materials with him to closer investigate my drinking as he said "i feel it was going to addiction but at this point more of a problem" He feels the roots of my problem are more stress and body image and is also looking closely at that.

So what the hell? Now I don't even KNOW what I am.

BLAH. This came out wrong. Guess what. Husband away for 4 days and I bet I won't have a problem going without a drink. I will be managing major stress though.....

Maybe I'm in the wrong forum?

2granddaughters

Are you attending the AA meetings regularly?

All the best.

Bob R

TonyR1981

I am a binge chronic cocaine and amphetamines relapser. I rarely see it coming....ever. Then I'm left there with this blank look.

I am trying to immerse myself in solution and take the advice of a sponsor.

trailrunrbyday

Bob the local one I am comfortable with meets tue and Sat. I went Tues but I cannot go tonight although I would like to as I have to travel out of town for a work commitment that cannot be rescheduled. I will be attending on Tuesday and then another meeting with Counsellor on Wed

makeabigplan

Did you not read the original post?

zeroptzero

My very humble and respectful suggestion is that you go back and read the other threads that you have started over the years.

I think what you are going through is very normal and has been experienced before by many people, including myself. After a brief period of successful abstinence, you begin to believe that you can have a "normal" relationship with alcohol - i.e. have a glass or two while socializing with friends, and then take it or leave it on other occasions. Sometimes this belief is reinforced by counselors or therapists, who fall short of telling us we are "alcoholics" - maybe we are being too extreme? After all, wouldn't it ne nice to be able to have a couple of drinks here and there - is that too much to ask? Don't we deserve it? We work hard, we are otherwise healthy and successful.
"Under the Influence" might help you (I found it informative) - but in my experience nothing I read and nothing other people told me about my drinking could compare with my own, painfully honest, self-reflection on my own drinking. Sure, I wanted to be a "normal" drinker - but I had long since crossed that line.
Hopefully you will figure this out. It may take the "controlled drinking" experiments written about in the Big Book. You may try it and find that you can enjoy a social drink or two here and there and be otherwise free from a preoccupation with alcohol. Taking what you have previously written together with my own experience, the majority of literature about alcohol abuse, and the collected wisdom and experience of thousands of people I have met and read about, it seems more likely that the outcome would be a return (at some point) to the drinking habits of your past.
The good news is that there is no need for such experimentation. When I was mired in "am I an alcoholic or not?" I remember hearing "If you are an alcoholic, you shouldn't drink - if you're not, you don't have to." Over time I have come to realize that the few "good" things I wanted to have from alcohol were so far outweighed by the negative consequences that it is much easier to let it go altogether.
It sounds like you have a lot of great things going in your life (and it also sounds like you have faced and continue to face tough challenges) - I think that you will find that life will get better and your ability to deal with stress will be strengthened without alcohol in the picture.
I wish you the best!

Happier

^^^^^ +1 to what zeroptzero said! I agree totally.

I try to not get hung up on "what I am". I personally do not feel the need to categorize or label myself. However, I did feel the need to honestly ask myself, "Is alcohol causing any problems in my life?". My answer was yes and therefore I had an alcohol problem.

Since then, I have had about 3 bouts with sobriety. Both epic failures were started with the idea that I could drink moderately and that I probably didn't really have a "problem". (Funny how our brain eventually but always takes us there. Maybe that's another sign of a problem for me?) In both cases, I was quite successful at controlling my drinking and felt quite good about it...........for about 3 or 4 weeks. (..your mileage my vary...) Eventually a party of special event would come up and I'd drink too much. In no time my quantity and frequency of drinking was even more than before.

Needless to say, these two failures led to a lot of grief and consequences for me and my loved ones. I really wish I could have learned from and stuck to my original decision. I admit now that I do not know how many more "chances" I get at this. Maybe none! Being able to get drunk is guaranteed but my next recovery is not.

Just my experience though. Wishing you the best with your decision.

trailrunrbyday

Thanks for all of the posts honestly...but Zero and Happier, I truly appreciate your honesty and supportive/encouraging words of experience and humble opinion. I have been playing that little game in my head and if I quiet myself long enough and listen to that little tiny voice that is so quiet but is so incredibly important....it is telling me precisely the same thing. Why even bother risking it? It is more the ritual of a drink with friends than a DRINK with friends. It is a very strange thing to have to admit that this is a necessary change forever when that seems so final. I don't care to EVER be drunk again....but to say I will never enjoy a chilled glass of chardonnay or a velvety glass of red wine by the fire....makes me a little sad.

Thanks

Happier

Yes, I get the "sad" feeling. In some ways, my deciding to abstain completely was a big relief. On the other hand, it also sort of felt like I was losing an old friend (sad). However, when I was honest with myself, this old "friend" had started to become a toxic relationship. The "good times" were slowing turning into "good times with some concerns" then more often "not so good times", hurt relationships, etc. My life was not yet in a total shambles but I could see the trend.

Good news is that the sadness slowly has been replaces with good old-fashioned peace. Dare I say "happiness". Not the chemically induced kind but the kind I faintly remember from childhood and my pre-drinking days. I am just starting to catch glimpses of this but I am very excited for more. I am not totally there yet and that has been a slow process for me but I am no longer sad about losing my old so-called "friend". I now see it as a good ridance in my case. I am actually excited about the future now. Maybe I gave up drinking but wow!, ....did it ever reopen a lot of possibilities for the future!

trailrunrbyday

Happier.... that is what finally clicked for me with giving up smoking. I was mourning the loss of the "friend" but the book I read (Allan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking) reminded me that I once was a little girl without the constant nag of an addiction pulling me away from events, wishing away moments with friends or family to get to that time I could sneak away and have a cigarette....it made me REMEMBER being a little girl without the burden of the addiction robbing me of time, memories and connections.

It is the same with the drink I think. I am excited to find the real me under all of this again. I didn't even realize that I lost her years ago.

TexasNative

Well I'd have to think the deal about getting antsy for your son to go to bed so the "wine could flow" and how you had ditched family game night so the wine could flow would be a pretty damned good deterrent from wanting any more wine. "No game night tonight kiddo, mom wants to get loaded instead." Wow.

sugarbear1

Sounds like your alcoholism is messing with you. None of us wants to have a problem with alcohol, we like it too much! If it's caused you concern in your past, it will cause you more problems in your future. The non-alcoholic doesn't obsess this much over nothing, only we who have a problem do that. five days isn't enough to know you don't have a problem.

Try not drinking for 90 days. See how you feel.