Reflective Thoughts of a Problem Drinker.
 

Reflective Thoughts of a Problem Drinker.

This is something I would like to put down on record as therapy for myself. If someone reading this can relate and perhaps benefit from my story or peoples responses then that can only be a positive thing.

Drink is without a doubt the biggest battle I have had to face in life and although it has had the measure of me at times I am determined to use the experiences to learn, become stronger, more compassionate and enlightened.

Now in my mid 30's, I have to admit to myself that I cannot drink. The outcome of every binge is unbearable. It never used to be like that. The so called fun of being in that altered state is now plain dangerous to me and
others, I must take responsibilty for myself.

Ive managed to keep and hold onto a good job, no criminal record but the cracks were there and the clock was ticking. Only pure luck and perhaps some intervention from someone looking over me has kept me from total disaster on numerous occasions. We think we only hurt ourselves in our own depressed little bubble but on reflection we cause our loved ones so much emotional harm, they have to watch us slowly tear our lifes apart little by little.

I drank in my late teens to get over my anxiety, it was great I could be confident with a drink. Sure there were times throughout my 20's when I would have way too much but it was under some sort of control. Classic Binge drinking with the usual repocutions, 3 nights in hospital due to broken jaw, ambulance due to knocking yourself unconcious outside in 2 foot of snow, arguments, drink driving and the major anxiety the next day to name but a few.

Well what I thought was normal due to being desensitised to drink from my childhood really is not normal at all. Progressive is what I keep hearing and without a doubt is true, it only gets worse when you rely so heavily on drink
getting you through those stressful times - of which there appears to be many as I reflect.

Whatever your drug of choice is it don't matter, its all about taking power back. Having the moment of clarrity to say enough is enough. Until we reach that point our chances are less than average, likely it will be business as usual.

My breaking point was when I lost someone very close to me who I loved very much. The 2 year build up to her death I drank which at the time I didnt regret as it allowed me the confidence to go into hospital as I get so anxious in them, I didnt want my nerves to get in the way of our time together. I kept it together but when she passed on I lost my way. I drank to blackout, falling through windows, falling down stairs, waking up with black eye and bruises all over. Drink by my bedside cant even get out of bed or move until drink alleviates the horrendous withdrawls. So now your dependant on loved ones keeping you topped up, down to the shops in the morning while your laying there counting the seconds just about to have a heart attack.

Then as you think it cant get any worse, rapid heart beat, sweating, dizzy this is it game over, I cant even get a drink over my throat to take away the torment of it all. Cold turkey - audable hullicinations, writing on the walls, messages on my body being inscribed as I look at my skin, feeling of a presence in the room, I run outside messages in the grass, look up the clouds
begin to scroll into messages, then entitys begin jumping into my body.... I wish this on no person. I stop someone outside and an ambulance is called, the hospital awaits.....

Now this should be enough to know I cannot drink again. 8 months no drink but I allowed a trigger to temp me into "just a few". A week into the binge, wake up feeling terrible, just a glass of wine to take the edge off. The body rejects it again violantly sick, black vomit followed by black when I went to the toilet, now its off to the hopsital again for potential stomach bleed.
IV's in both arms here we go again, full of diazapam to counteract the withdrawls and visual hullucinations.

How can a relatively intelligent person allow this to happen, logic defies it. The conclusion I have come up with is that drink at some point physically changes our thought process, a short circuit so to speak. When you thought just a few that was your intention however, when you start you are no longer running the ship, you just have to pick up the mess.

The Doctor warned very matter of fact. People that drink to excess like this will at some point die due to there consumption. The only person that can help you is YOU!!

I believe and want to always believe that I have had my moment of clarrity. I like many will continue to come to SR and learn from others and help along the way. To anyone who is struggling as you read this please know it can change if YOU want it too. Life is beautiful and our options are endless. Don't get bogged down in work, money and materialism - I agree
it is good to be comfortable but next time you do something good for someone take a second to see how it feels to be unconditional in your giving.

Lets follow our instincts without question and put trust in what feels right.

Good luck & stay strong - we can & will beat this!

:thanks

p.s anyone tried TM or other methods of Meditation ? I am curious to know more about it.

Thanks for shareing part of your story ...all my best as
you continue to move forward...:yup:

You pretty much summarized what living hell can be with this decease.

Been there, not going back, ever ;-)

wow, thanks for sharing that. Helps to know it just never gets better out there, and where alcohol can take us.

Your story is exactly the story of my son's life.
He didn't make it to his last hospitalization for the gastro bleed.
He died at home. Alone. At 31 years of age.
Please believe them when they tell you that you can die from this terrible disease.

Very Powerful. I'm so glad I read it. Thanks

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, B. May you find happiness and contentment...

Thank you for sharing your story :grouphug:

I'm so glad you're doing well now, amazing xx