trailrunrbyday

Hello again. Some things have changed and some have remained. I have managed to get through an incredibly grueling year of studies and licensing to secure a new position which will be financially rewarding, extremely demanding and have me very intimately involved with the people in my small community. My daughter has moved several provinces away and is in College. My husband is now working away from home and is only here 50% of the time(great job but means I am without *monitoring* 50% of the time). Those things have changed.

I am still drinking. More than ever, I think. Does amount matter? It's too much...it is every day and it is a lot. I have been telling my husband I have been better...and when he is home I try to keep it to an acceptable level...but I have been hiding a lot of drinking. I sneak extra money through cash back options and buy/drink/hide/dispose of the evidence. I usually don't recall the end of any evening or falling asleep. I attend local events planning to only get drunk enough to have fun and then end up being extremely intoxicated and embarrassing myself.

A couple of friends have figured it out. They have stopped inviting me over/out with them. This hurts me and I am afraid that I will be losing more friends.

My husband is very distressed and last night I came home from an event(I don't recall most of the evening or getting home), dropped off from a new friend that has no idea this wasn't just "having a little too much fun". My husband was kind enough to just let me go to bed but this morning he told me how very worried and desperate he is. I honestly want to stop(and it won't be tonight...too late). My main challenges are that I live in a tiny town and am NOT going to a meeting where I will definitely know people, my finances will not allow me to go into the local $20 000 program, my job is extremely demanding...I work 6 days a week and am working in a position where people are trusting ME with a major part of their lives(if it gets out that I have this problem my career will likely no longer exist). I am alone with a child at home 50% of the time and already utilize sitters/help more than I would like.

I feel lost and stuck, sad and desperate. I plan to start with reading some books...I quite smoking that way....and try to find some support. I just needed to tell YOU that I am here. Long post again...but I don't know what to do next.

I am in Canada. BC to be exact. Can you go to the hospital for treatment? My physician is also in close friend circles and I dread telling her. I can't even afford a week off of work until at least November...and I am not even sure if I could get the time then.

Has anyone had success w/o AA meetings or with similar challenges?

pipparina

Welcome back. I'm glad you found your way back here.

I don't know much about it, but there is AVRT which seems to be a non-meeting recovery program. You will find the details on the secular forum, plus I'm sure others will reply shortly to guide you on non-AA type recovery.
This site is also a great place to help you.
Regarding your doctor, he does have an oath to keep patient confidentiality. It is always a good idea to check in with your doctor on something like this, in case you go through withdrawal
Good luck and stay close

Dee74

welcome back trailrunbyday

I'm not Canadian so I can't answer your hospital question, I'm afraid.

Many recovery groups now have online meetings...some like Rational Recovery have no meetings at all.

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

With the not being able to be seen at AA meetings tho - I have to ask, with all gentleness possible...

is getting publicly drunk and embarrassing any better for your career and position?

D

trailrunrbyday

thsnks pip. My doctor(she) is close in age to me..has a lot of mutual friends and is considering my professional services....I just dread telling her for the judgement she may have(which she would obviously keep to herself but she IS human), as well as the loss of opportunity to deal professionally with her. I know I should speak with her though. I have two other friends who are local female physicians close in age. Considering whether to speak with MY physician or another?

trailrunrbyday

no it is not better but I tend to get "very drunk" at home and not generally in public so it can be seen as just a one off by those who don't spend a lot of time with me. I know for certain 2 of my clients go to local meetings. I suspect they will no longer be clients if I show up. It matters. VERY small town and my career relies heavily on the trust of my integrity.

Sasha4

Trust me - people in your small town will know.
Your doctor will also probably know.

How can you be okay to drink to blackout and all that goes with it in front of people yet be too 'ashamed' to go to a meeting as you might be recognised?

Confidentiality is huge in both medical and AA/meetings circles.

Gossip from social events and between friends is frequent.

Does it matter what they think?
Would it not be worth been seen to be recovering rather than blackout drunk?
Is the recovery option not more preferable?

Have you thought how much you could be putting your job at risk if you continue?
The example you are setting your kids?
The worry for your husband?

Don't be too proud to get help, however you do it.
Don't let things get worse because they will.

I wish you lots of luck xx

pipparina

Not sure how it works there, but perhaps you can see a doctor outside of your town. You want to be sure not to go through any withdrawals. I didn't go through them, but I've seen posts here where people did.

trailrunrbyday

Sasha...a part of me knows all of that and a part of me is in denial...thinking I am still tricking everyone. Part of me certainly knows I am not. I have watched another friend go through treatment(fortunate enough to have the funds to escape to a wonderful program for a month) and although we all are proud of her and like her...she has someone been dropped.... I see people look down their noses at her...I hear people say "oh, we can't invite ***** because, well, you know"
I don't want to be that person even though it is better than the person I am now.

Sasha4

I spent thousands on a private therapist.
Trying to discover the rare disease/reason/thinking/life event that had happened to me to make me like I was.
Fact was I just drank too much.
I could have saved myself a fortune if I had just gone to AA.

I also had a few false starts and I am not sure how I would have felt if I had shelled out that amount of cash for treatment when I could have done it for free. However, I know I am in the UK and my healthcare system is better.

I understand totally what you are saying.
I think shame on the people that gossip about your friend who had treatment, as I am sure you do.

All that matters is you and your family. What anyone else thinks of you is none of your business.

Have you read any recovery books at all?
Could you attend an out of town meeting?
I would talk to your doctor. Yes she is human, but she also chose that career to help look after people so that they can recover.....x

trailrunrbyday

so so true sasha. I have NOT read any. Any suggestions? I would like to download and start some immediately. I *may* be able to sort out attending meetings at the neighbouring town 1/2 hour away but again...I do a lot of business there...although truthfully if I met a *client* or prospective client at one I would likely admire them for their effort...maybe the same would be reciprocated???? The level of professionalism is akin to running into your lawyer or accountant so I worry.
Thank you.
Any book suggestions would be fantastic.

Sasha4

Fabulous!!!!!!

There is a lady who attends a meeting I do. She sometimes serves me in the supermarket where she works.
I would NEVER EVER disclose where I know her from, but we smile knowingly and she squeezes my hand when I pass her my card to pay.

Somedays I just shop there to see her, even though it is out of my way, she makes me feel better.

There are two good books and I hope I reference them right

Caroline Knapp - 'Drinking a love story'
'Under the influence' - I cannot remember the name of the writer, but I hope someone can help me out and give more recommendations.

I also read some AA literature online and was bowled over - it was if they were descrining me to a tee!

The buying booze from different shops to avoid the staff from clocking that I had a problem.
The lies I told myself when I bought drink - this will last me all week and it;s so much better value than a small one.
The daily grind of waking up thinking never, ever again, but by 4pm racing to buy booze on my way home from work.
The sadness that my life had come to this.

I feel excited for you!

Let us know how you get on!

xxxx

Sasha4

By the way - I am a professional. I work in the medical field.
At my AA groups there are policemen, housewife's, office workers, an ex football player, nurses, sales people, teachers.

And yes, I think the respect that you would have for them would be offered in return to you.

xxxx

pipparina

There is also "beyond the influence" , which I think is a follow up
Living Sober was helpful to me in the beginning.
The Big Book is wonderful. The stories, while a bit dated, calmed me.
Also the book by George McGovern, about his daughter Terry who died of the disease

Reading all this should keep you sober for a few months to start

trailrunrbyday

Thanks pip!! I am hoping to build support here online to compliment whatever else I can muster up.

bi11fish

Thinkin & Drinkin - Drinkin & Thinkin - my God all I hear is excuses - Make a decision and get on with it - drink or don't but stop spinning in circles and head in a some direction.

2granddaughters

trailrunrbyday, please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous". See if you can identify.

I tried every avenue to beat this thing but came up short in the end. Alcoholics Anonymous is the solution to my problem. AA has given me sobriety, sanity and serenity since 1989.

All the best.

Bob R

Fandy

if you will take a LONG HARD LOOK in the mirror on the morning after, you will see that you are NOT fooling anyone.

if you don't begin to change your life, you won't have a life to change or a job. You need to make some major positive and stop making excuses to yourself.

there are patient privacy acts to protect you. and your doctor is there to help you not judge you when you seek treatment, but you seem to be sitting on the fence about stopping.

you might want to google the pictures of fatty livers along with the AA information too.

freshstart57

You can quit drinking with AA, and you can quit drinking without AA as I have, but you gotta quit! I started to act like someone who didn't drink - no alcohol in the house, no more empties lying around, don't go to bars. Does that sound like a good place to start for you?

trailrunrbyday

Thank you for the positive support. Made an appt with my dr. Her first avail appt is a week away. My husband comes home today for 4 days and we intend to work together with no alcohol in the house/no $ unaccounted for in my hands. I have also connected with 2 friends who have gotten sober and have a plan to check out local (but not in my town) meetings. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'm not a big fan of the tough love approach but still appreciate the response.

frances2011

Trailrun, glad you are here and making a plan to support your sobriety.

My experience with having a lot on my plate was that my life became MUCH MORE manageable when I stopped drinking.

It wasn't easy, but every morning I woke up sober gave me a little extra room to have a good, productive day AND work on myself and my Recovery. I was pouring a lot of my energy down the drain in the guise of it "helping" me.

Checking in here daily has been the keystone of my Recovery for going on 19 months.

We're here to support you! You can be permanently sober for good, starting today.