Dating and staying single.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 79
Dating and staying single.
Hey guys,
How is everyone?
I wanted your input on this:
When I decided to get sober I set myself the rule of not dating anybody for the first year. I sort of faltered here and there but for the most part have stayed true to that for the last 8 months (and counting!).
Do you think this is worth it? I feel like I'm turning people away or putting up walls because I don't want new people to get close to me. Also, saying "I can't date you until February because I'm a recovering alcoholic" is kind of weird. Not the alcoholic part, I've said that to plenty of people, but more so the idea of having rules that must stand no matter who the person is.
Also, I met this guy who I kind of like... so there's that.
What do you think? Should people in recovery date at the beginning(-ish)? To dangerous? What are you experiences with this? How has it worked out?
xGonz
How is everyone?
I wanted your input on this:
When I decided to get sober I set myself the rule of not dating anybody for the first year. I sort of faltered here and there but for the most part have stayed true to that for the last 8 months (and counting!).
Do you think this is worth it? I feel like I'm turning people away or putting up walls because I don't want new people to get close to me. Also, saying "I can't date you until February because I'm a recovering alcoholic" is kind of weird. Not the alcoholic part, I've said that to plenty of people, but more so the idea of having rules that must stand no matter who the person is.
Also, I met this guy who I kind of like... so there's that.
What do you think? Should people in recovery date at the beginning(-ish)? To dangerous? What are you experiences with this? How has it worked out?
xGonz
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Good post, I was thinking of this since I got sober. As long as I could find someone that don't or just drinks occasionally, and don't get drunk and not every weekend I think I could date. I know I will always have a hard time with drunk people. Maybe it reminds me if the terrible place I was. But hell, do date , love never hurts and can only make you more happy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I waited until I no longer thought I was inflicting myself on someone 
I had to learn to love myself before I could give that love to someone else.
I also waited until I knew my recovery was not dependent on who I was with or what was happening, good or bad.
Only you can know if you and your recovery are ready for that, and all the attendant ups and downs of a relationship GT
D
I had to learn to love myself before I could give that love to someone else.
I also waited until I knew my recovery was not dependent on who I was with or what was happening, good or bad.
Only you can know if you and your recovery are ready for that, and all the attendant ups and downs of a relationship GT
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 79
"I waited until I no longer thought I was inflicting myself on someone
I had to learn to love myself before I could give that love to someone else."
Very astute Dee, yes I'm more worried about that aspect than the being around people who drink. I want to make sure that I am healthy before falling in love because the fake kind of falling in love can be a sort of red herring that is very distracting. I've been in unhealthy relationships before and I don't want to fall into that trap.
That said, sometimes the set in stone One Year limit seems arbitrary. And then the other option is just having meaningless hookups which seems even less healthy. (Celibacy is not gonna happen, sorry but that's the way it is! have never had a sex problem so that isn't the issue at hand)
HollyAnne: That's what I think most of the time too!!! LOL
I had to learn to love myself before I could give that love to someone else."
Very astute Dee, yes I'm more worried about that aspect than the being around people who drink. I want to make sure that I am healthy before falling in love because the fake kind of falling in love can be a sort of red herring that is very distracting. I've been in unhealthy relationships before and I don't want to fall into that trap.
That said, sometimes the set in stone One Year limit seems arbitrary. And then the other option is just having meaningless hookups which seems even less healthy. (Celibacy is not gonna happen, sorry but that's the way it is! have never had a sex problem so that isn't the issue at hand)
HollyAnne: That's what I think most of the time too!!! LOL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
It's a sticky question. I th ink in the first year we just don't know ourselves and perhaps we are more self-centered than when we were active in our addiction.
That said, I don't think casual hook ups are the answer, but that is just me.
I do think, from my own experience, that finding someone not in recovery who does not have a problem and who you can tell that you have major issues with addiction and are in recovery and who accepts that, well, that would be an ideal, wouldn't it?
Then again, that person would be a Saint and celibate, so what's the point?
Seriously, at six months sober I got into a relationship. I was too scared to commit, the person moved on, and I realized letting her go was a major mistake. Eventually we did get back together, are together now, and things seem to be working out in a healthy, happy way. I was six months sober when I met her, let her go when I was only 11 months sober, we were apart for eight months, and I recently hit two years of sobriety.
I think the one-year rule exists for a reason -- based on the experience of those who have gone before us -- but also think some rules just don't cover all the bases. Besides, it's a suggestion, not a law.
A second thought on the casual relationship thing -- for me, to continue to just hae meaningless sex during my first year of recovery would have undone a lot of the inner work I had to do. It would just have been a continuation of my addictive behavior, r at lease feeding my demand for instant gratification, which was a byproduct of my addictive behavior.
That said, I don't think casual hook ups are the answer, but that is just me.
I do think, from my own experience, that finding someone not in recovery who does not have a problem and who you can tell that you have major issues with addiction and are in recovery and who accepts that, well, that would be an ideal, wouldn't it?
Then again, that person would be a Saint and celibate, so what's the point?
Seriously, at six months sober I got into a relationship. I was too scared to commit, the person moved on, and I realized letting her go was a major mistake. Eventually we did get back together, are together now, and things seem to be working out in a healthy, happy way. I was six months sober when I met her, let her go when I was only 11 months sober, we were apart for eight months, and I recently hit two years of sobriety.
I think the one-year rule exists for a reason -- based on the experience of those who have gone before us -- but also think some rules just don't cover all the bases. Besides, it's a suggestion, not a law.
A second thought on the casual relationship thing -- for me, to continue to just hae meaningless sex during my first year of recovery would have undone a lot of the inner work I had to do. It would just have been a continuation of my addictive behavior, r at lease feeding my demand for instant gratification, which was a byproduct of my addictive behavior.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm...
I did decide to take a guy break to concentrate on my recovery.
However...I found an AA group with mostly singles and we did what
i think of as "AA dating"
That means we did not pair off but did all sorts of interesting and fun things as a group outside of meetings...
I have noticed over my recovery years that those of us who wait
until our first formal Step work is finished...seem to have a
smoother time with new relationships...
There really is a difference between casual sex and forming a
healthy way of being part of a careing loving couple.
Heck even the sex is better when you both are sober....
reeking of alcohol is certainly not a turn on for anyone.
I did decide to take a guy break to concentrate on my recovery.
However...I found an AA group with mostly singles and we did what
i think of as "AA dating"
That means we did not pair off but did all sorts of interesting and fun things as a group outside of meetings...
I have noticed over my recovery years that those of us who wait
until our first formal Step work is finished...seem to have a
smoother time with new relationships...
There really is a difference between casual sex and forming a
healthy way of being part of a careing loving couple.
Heck even the sex is better when you both are sober....
reeking of alcohol is certainly not a turn on for anyone.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
When I came in the guidance was no "emotional involvments" for two years. That's not AA, it came from our national treatment centre of the time. I didn't even know what it meant. My sponsor explained that it's ok to have a social life, even the odd roll in the hay, just avoid heavy emotional committment type relationships. So I got engaged in a matter of weeks, to another AA gal, got kicked out in an even shorter time, and learned my lesson. My sponsor gave me good advice as it turns out.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
For me, dating is a part of life. I want to be a part of "normal life" today so I am dating in my first year. If someone tells me I should wait 1 year then I will tell them I should wait a year to obtain a job as well.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I was married when I quit drinking so this wasn't an issue. But I still have an opinion!
I think that the "year" rule is an arbitrary number that has little to do with anything. Dee put it best: the key is to refrain from relationships until you aren't "inflicting yourself" on others. Some of us reach that goal pretty quickly while others take a long time, much longer than a year.
So I think the key is to be honest with yourself. In a new relationship, what are you bringing to the table? If it isn't stable abstinence, honesty, kindness and a modicum of balance, then you are probably not yet ready.
I think that the "year" rule is an arbitrary number that has little to do with anything. Dee put it best: the key is to refrain from relationships until you aren't "inflicting yourself" on others. Some of us reach that goal pretty quickly while others take a long time, much longer than a year.
So I think the key is to be honest with yourself. In a new relationship, what are you bringing to the table? If it isn't stable abstinence, honesty, kindness and a modicum of balance, then you are probably not yet ready.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i didnt take the advise and got into a relationship in my 1st year of recovery. now i can see that i was only going to attract someone as sick as me and thats what i did. it was quite chaotic.
go buy a plant( not a cactus either). after a year, if its still healthy, get a pet( and not a pet rock). after the next year if the 2 are both healthy, then you can think about dating.
go buy a plant( not a cactus either). after a year, if its still healthy, get a pet( and not a pet rock). after the next year if the 2 are both healthy, then you can think about dating.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
I did the platonic dating thing early on. Pretty much everything but the romance. Developed some great friendships with women. When I restarted the real dating, I excluded any women in recovery. Two sickies does not make a wellie. I was in recovery to get sober, period.
My wife is a social drinker and we been married for 28 years.
My wife is a social drinker and we been married for 28 years.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
Why not just have hookups or friends with benefits for a while, while you get your **** together? Personally I was a huge mess in the beginning (and still am in a way), so involving myself seriously would never happen, but we're all different...
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