Threshold

I'm confused.

I don't feel like I hate myself. I don't feel like other people hate me either.

In fact I feel like I love myself, and I love other people a great deal.

I DO hate that I have a mental illness and that it has prevented me from fulfilling what appears to myself and others...my full potential. But it's hard to know if that's true, I mean, I don't know, all things being equal that if I didn't have mental illness I would have risen to the top like cream. But I digress.

Sometimes I feel it's the party line for people to tell me that I don't love myself and I need to learn to live alone and that I can't REALLY love anyone until I've done so. Honestly, I don't even know what that means. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, sent on some dangerous fools errand when somehow she should have known all she had to do was click her heels together.

Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?

How does one get this elusive "self love"?

I don't believe it comes from a manicure and new shoes like some have suggested to me.

I don't think the Higher Power is out to get me, nor that it doesn't love and care for me. I don't think I am without talents or friends. I do know I have mental illness and when it strikes I do whatever I can to muscle on and try to have it not effect my life or relationships any more than it needs to. Drinking and drugging were a stupid and failed attempt to do that, but when I began I thought I was doing it out of self love and love for others. I know I quit out of self love and love of others.

I don't know how to answer or what to think when people tell me the problem is that I hate myself. They may be right, but if they are, then what do I do?

Justfor1

I don't think you can love yourself if you are an active alcoholic. An alcoholic physically & mentally abusing themselves & probably others as well.

onlythetruth

No, although you hear this a lot, I don't think that all people who suffer from addictions hate themselves. In fact, I think that there are very few things that apply to ALL people with addictions. We are individuals with qualities far beyond our addictions.

In my own case, I certainly felt great shame and guilt and I didn't trust myself; I didn't have positive feelings for myself at all. But hate? No, if I had truly hated myself I would have kept drinking. Quitting was the ultimate act of self-love.

Sally1009

I too find this concept of self-hate/love baffling. And annoying. I find it impossible to actually have feelings for myself, because I AM me! To have feelings for myself almost means I would have to be two people, so I don't get it either. But it does seem to be part of the modern 'currency'.
What I can feel is either proud or ashamed of my actions, which is subtly different.

stairs

I think it's weird that people would tell you that you hate yourself. Do they mean you do things that are not in your best interest? I mean "hate" is a pretty strong word. So is "love". I can see "not hating myself" meaning that I take care of my body and mind and spiritual life. That "loving myself" may mean I treat myself to the stuff that I get a self esteem boost out of , like getting my hair cut, etc. or not having negative self talk when I screw up. If someone told me I hate myself I would be upset too. I have had a few people tell me to stop beating myself up, when I dredge up the past and mistakes made. To give myself a break, be kind to myself. But the whole self love/hate thing is a little too strongly worded for me, I wouldn't like being told that I hate myself and this whole thing about loving myself just seems narcissistic in a way. Sorry I'm rambling. Interesting thread! Thanks.

NYCDoglvr

It's not about how we feel, it's what we do. Personally I think active addiction is pure self-hate. You become a daily drinker which sometimes makes us vomit, ruins destroys relationships, loose jobs, lie, cheat. Alcohol turns on us and we become real assholes.
We keep doing it over and over.

And that's not self hate?

ricmcc

The reason the I quote your post is mostly so that I can refer to it while writing this, and perhaps so that you can reread your post in deciding whether my post has any validity. My first impression when reading that you love yourself and love others is that you are in fact a very high achieving person, one I truly feel well worth knowing, and even if I never do get to know you well, that fact does remain. I also have mental health issues, and am aware that they bring a special set of problems. But that can be said of most disorders to varying degrees, and most people do find good ways to accomodate those problems. Also, like you, I found a bad way to address those problems--drinking them away, which obviously works for no one, and refusing to take the proper dose of meds prescibed to me, sort of like if I took half the of the meds Rx'ed for my Bipolar disorder I would be half as bipolar, a rather self injurious form of magical thinking, to say the least. I have also felt that my mental health issues have kept me from achieving my full potential-- after doing quite well at University, I decided to become a cop in Toronto some 30 years ago, rather than pursue a position that society values more highly. But in fact, the reason I choose that route was an attempt to be in the trenches of applied Social Work, an attempt to help others; when I state it in those terms, it doees not seem so inadequate a choice to make--in a rather self serving way, I do at times get a kick out of the reactions I sometimes get from people who expect me to have been an ex-member of the Hitler youth when hearing of my job, and their displeasure at finding me to somewhat more socially liberal then they, which sort of indicates my attitude toward stereotyping people. Anyway, all the best to you, you deserve the best-Rick

Hexipuff

I totally get the self hatred bit.
When I was drinking and especially in the last couple of years of my drinking career I could honestly not see anything in my self that was good, worthy or likeable.

During that time I held down a good job and got promoted, my annual appraisals were impressive etc but I could not believe any of it. I lay awake at night believing I wasn't worthy of any of this and one day everyone would find out what a hateful useless person I was.

Sober I know it was all down to my alcoholism. I do love myself now but not in a aren't I wonderful way. I love myself because so how I have been able to pull myself out of the black hole of an active alcoholic. Not by myself but via AA, SR and will the love of my husband too. I am proud of myself now and feel that I do deserve some good things in life that I work for.

Just my thoughts on self hatred and love. Thanks

Sigma957

I certainly can relate to what you were going through. Went through several rounds of professional advances while drinking myself half silly two-three times a week and couldn't understand how this could be happening given my alcohol abuse problems.

The mind of the psychologically addicted often plays some very serious tricks on the "good side" of your personality in order to maintain your drinking habit. For many years I on and off had thoughts like "if I stop drinking and get my act together I will not continue to be successful in work" as there was almost a correlation between the worsening drinking habit and career success.

Completely and utterly illogical as the actual reasons for making headway on the professional side of life had to do with the good and strong side of my personality, but since you are in the end fighting yourself all your inner weaknesses can and often will be mercilessly exploited by the drinking devil inside you. Scary stuff.

DoubleBarrel

Killing is hate personified. In the throes of active addiction, I was killing myself actively. Deep down I obviously wanted to live, but I know self loathing.

KnowHope

Self-hatred, over-confidence, self-pity, self-seeking, self-obsession, all of these are based in selfishness.

Good self-esteem, bad self-esteem, are these not both based in ego?

Selfishness--self-centeredness! In all of its forms, that is what proves itself over and over again to be the root of my troubles.

Blondie0419

I hated the person I was drinking.... Didn't like my actions or how I would treat people. Scary part to think is that was me! That is where I struggle and have things I don't like about myself. Being sober makes me be able to work on he person I WANT to be.