FenwayFaithful

I'm sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face and trying so hard to not to REALLY cry.

I'm on 38 hours of no sleep and I'm sure that doesn't help but it's been such a hard hard day and I don't know how to deal. I can't remember the last time I actually felt pain like this, I've numbed it out so long I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope.

It started off a good day. Sure I got no sleep but I was feeling hopeful, optimistic. I got into this dual diagnosis outpatient rehab, I picked a topic in AA and really listened and was affected by other who shared.

I went to the Recovery Center on campus with a friend from meeting we hung out with other NA and AA students, it was nice.

I went to my follow up PCP appointment feeling a lot better then I had. I went Monday feeling sicker then I've ever felt in my life with the worst sore throat of my life and with what I found out was an enlarged spleen. All signs pointed to Mono but the test came out negative.

Feeling much better today thinking it must just be some random virus, throat barely hurts...feeling good ya know? Well turns out my spleen is even larger. She starts asking me if I've ever used needles or other drugs etc I tell her I've never used needles but mention my EXABF may have

She orders up a round of blood work including another Mono scan, HIV scan, liver, cancer...heart problems...it was a whole work up of stuff. I'm already on no sleep, I'm 21 days sober, I spent the morning at intake appt talking about things that are not easy for me to talk about and AA really touched some sort sports today too and now here I am sitting around thinking there is a chance I could have HIV ?!

So yeah I was emotional, I was upset and I wanted to believe there wasn't really a chance that I had HIV. Of course my EXABF crossed my mind, as have my recent sexual decisons. Sitting there panicing I called my Mom being expected to be greeted with comfort...

I wasn't, I was lecture about how I better have told them that my ex boyfriend was a heroin addict I imminently jumped on the defense saying he wasn't a heroin addict, he crack and coke not much better but as I'm sitting there thinking I could have freaking HIV the last thing I want to think about is the fact that I may have exposed myself to someone sharing dirty needles, not to mention the pain of admitting he would put me in that kind of risk...whatever no use getting hung up on that point...

But of course it came back to him. I'm sitting there terrified and my Mom's yelling at me about my EX? I get it I screwed up I'm an idiot I fell for his tricks. I live with that shame and that pain every singe day.

Fine.

But I don't want to be sitting there alone in a Dr's office being yelled at about how he could have given my HIV. I just didn't need that then you know? I get she was just worried and her concern just came out wrong but damn...

Anyway that's not even the point of the story it's background. So turns out I DO in fact have Mono, thank god, the first test was just a false negative.

So I call my parents to tell them I have Mono (They are away for the weekend) and say that I am going to go back to their apartment since I'm working in Boston this weekend and have a PCP Appt tomorrow for my physical and wanted to be able to come home and sleep rather then wake up tomorrow and have to worry about getting to the doctor.

He tell me no. I whine, I'm over tired okay, it was immature but I whined it wasn't fair that I had mono that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed at home and not have to worry about driving home or waking up early in the morning. He told me he doesn't care if I have mono and am I sure that's all I have with the scum bags I allow in my life.

Remember I'm on no sleep here. I just went through a really scary medical ordeal and that's what you have to say? It makes me feel like he's blaming me for having freaking mono? Like someone the stupid decisions I made with my EXABF have ANYTHING to do with this!!

Anyway I mean here I am I'm not saying it's an excuse I'm just saying I didn't think before I spoke and I said "This is why the therapist think I have a ****** up family"

Okay he didn't say that exactly. Obviously.

All he said was that he thinks I am constantly doing thing because other people want me too and often times those other people are my parents and I rarely make my own decisions or decide what *I* want and how maybe my parents put pressure on me or have certain expectations that I'm having a hard time living up to...or something like that.

So they go on the defensive start yelling at me about how they've given me everything. About how the therapist only said that because I made him think that. About how he obviously had no idea how much they'd done for me. About how sending my away to school was to get me away from my EXABF about how everything they've done is because they've loved me.

That's fine but it doesn't change how I feel you know ? I know they've meant the best I know but it's how I feel sometimes...and I told them that and they said if I cared at all about how they felt or took into consideration what they wanted I never would have ended up with my ex

But it's not true because I *DID* care about what they wanted... I'm lucky I did too or I probably would have fallen a lot harder. I am always trying to please them. I am scared of doing the wrong thing.

But the fact that I did the wrong thing for so long by having anything to do with a drug addict conman criminal makes them think I don't care what they think and maybe rightly so.

Then my Mom says after all they've done for me, fed me, educated me, cared for me, always been there for me she can't believe I'm trying to blame my problems on them but I'm not

She tells me she knows I lie all that time. That I lie more then I tell the truth and it's true but it's just because I don't know how to be honest.

I thought, I actually thought she understood, I thought she got it I thought WOW I wish I'd reached out a lot sooner but as always reaching out was the worst thing I could have done.

Because of course it call came back to my EXABF and how he knows we're still "Involved" and yes okay we're still talking he funds the phone calls I know it's stupid but sometimes it's nice just to have someone to talk to, when the money runs out it's over I need to go NC I get it but...it has to be done on my own time. WE ARE OVER. I will never trust him again. He is an addict. He has hurt me too much for me to even CONSIDER ever giving him a chance again...

Anyway that isn't even the point but my mom starts yelling at me about him, saying that I can't be apart of their lives if he's apart of mine I tell them HE ISNT, which he isn't and they say they know he is because I'm talking about dropping classes, and only taking one class and what a waste of money that is for them and that was my concern but my Mom was the one who suggested it...I thought wow she really gets it she's being supportive.

She even said I have to stop beating myself up about my ex but I guess she didn't mean it because she spend two hours on the phone with me basically telling me I am such a bad version of myself and I've hurt the people I love all because of this guy and I know I have

And I know it's pathetic but apart of him does still have a hold on me. Like I said we are OVER but...that is there and I can't change what I did with him in the past and I know they hate me for it and everything is messed up forever.

And it just hurts so bad I thought everything was going to work out but now I don't even know. I feel so guilty for even saying anything to the shrink about my parents but then at the same time don't I have a friend to feel how I feel? My Mom said that when she dies I'm going to feel so guilty looking back and seeing how horribly I treated them after everything they've done for me.

I don't mean to. I do try and make them happy. I do but then I just got caught up with my exABF and I know it hurt them but part of me is resentful because before that I always did what they wanted and I can never just do what I want and I don't even know what that is.


And I don't even know what I'm saying. I just wish I'd never come to them I wish I'd never told them about any of this. I wish i didn't call them before those blood tests. I wish so many things I wish I wasn't so stupid as to believe the super understanding sure it's fine take one class attitude was what they wanted I knew it wasn't.

It was too good to be true. I just didn't expect it all to blow up like this. I want to drink right now but I Really can't not with Mono it's super danguorus and besides I DONT want to drink I don't I just don't want it to hurt so much I don't know how to make it stop hurting it's driving me crazy



I know it partially just being tired and the fact that haven't eaten all day (and I won't I'm too uspet) but it was just so hard I don't even know if I explained it right I don't know what I want to hear.

Maybe I really am just as selfish as my EXABF who think about no ones feelings but herself. Maybe it's just who I am.

Fandy

you are STILL talking to this assh***le???? i thought you had moved on to a better way and the AA was helping you.

i'm sorry you feel so crappy fens, but only YOU can pull yourself out of this hole. you are undoing the therapy by moving backwards. this guy has no respect for you. talking to him in prison, he's' keeping you on the hook.
Your parents have overreacted because they maybe cannot get through to you. i do understand their point.

congrats on the 21 days sober...now please try to move forward to behappy. this guy is a bad thing, he's still controlling you. i hope you feel better and take care of yourself. no one can do it but YOU. big hugs (and a smack)

FenwayFaithful

Yeah I know I shouldn't be talking to him.

I don't know what I am.

It's just if I'm admitting he's a bad selfish person who can't change aren't I saying the same thing about myself?

I've met so many wonderful addicts/alcoholics in the program... who are clean and sober...

I KNOW we have to be over but why does he automatically have to be a bad person?

Or is it that he ISNT but he's BAD FOR ME and that's what matters.

I know my parents are trying to do the right thing they are just going about it the wrong way and they don't get it they think I Don't care at all.

I've been so hurt by what my exabf did I didn't want to do that to them. I didn't mean to. I just got caught up

It just felt so good to know I thought they understood.

I am heart broken because I thought we were fixing everything. I thought we were rebuilding but we aren't.

They're ready to walk away the say I need to be on my own. They can't keep enabalng me or so they say.

It's just so hard I'm tired and I'm sick and everything hurts and I'm emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted and so heart broken.

I thought I could be honest like I Thought wow they actually GET it you know? They're supportive but now I don't know anymore.

I just can't handle it.

God being sober is so hard. I have no idea how to regulate my emotions. I just wanna curl up in someones lap and cry but I don't have anyone I'm close enough or comfortable with...

Except for him which is obviously the worst idea ever even if it were possible

My Mom says I never let anyone get to know me and I just lie and it pushes people way, and that's why I have no one, maybe she's right

Maybe I'm the typical addict I always talk about and I always play the victim when thins are my own fault

I just dont want to deal with this I want to forget it happened =( I Just can't believe the catalyst to all this was me calling about hte blood tests

Nevertheless

Sorry to hear about your 38 hour long bad day. I know it's easy for me to say this. But 2 things that will make us want to drink are being tired and hungry.
Hopefully you are getting some sleep,and tomorrow is a new day.
Fred

Katiekate

I've been so hurt by what my exabf did I didn't want to do that to them.

your parents are hurt too. when someone hurts their daughter it hurts them.

they had a bad day, let them vent, they love you, a hell of a lot more then your ex does.

do you have a sponsor????

might be a good idea to check in with your sponsor.

Fandy

get some sleep, think about this when you are rested and feeling better.
this idiot is ruining your self esteem and wrecking your life further and he's not even physically present. you've got to stop analyzing him...he's NOT worth your time...he very surely could have given you HIV...
he has no respect for anything except his habit....sorry, i agree with your parents on this one.

when you realize this, you will be glad you dodged a bullet. you need to think about yourself and your parents. they really know the truth, they aren't stupid. they don't HAVE to support you or give you $$ for grad school...you could take out a loan, get a job and not live under their roof or health insurance.

time to pull yourself together, get better both physically and mentally. good night. I have to get up for work tomorrow.

tomsteve

fenway, i highly suggest ya give it all to yer higher power and get some sleep.
the steps of AA have a solution for everything i have read, but it would be best to get some sleep, then call yer sponsor and get kickin on the steps.

prayers yer way.

Gottalife

Sounds like no one in your life is behaving as you expect.
" if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?"

Maybe it's time to appoint a new manager?

Ladybone

I had mono in college too. Take this time to heal and rest - really, it's the only thing you can do right now. This might be a blessing in disguise.

DoubleBarrel

You DON'T have HIV!!!!!!!!

That is a tremendous blessing, and opportunity to walk away from your past and start fresh. Take advantage of it.

sugarbear1

Please stay stopped. You are on your way to a wonderfully sober life. Stick to talking to your AA and NA friends on the phone or in person. Work those steps with a sponsor. Get brutally honest with yourself.

It will all work out. Feelings aren't facts. Hiding this stuff from others isn't healthy. There is great pain before growth.

Heal well from the mono.

You are loved. We will love you until you can love yourself!

Love and hugs,

2granddaughters

Please help my worst sober day so far. Please =(

Expose yourself to all the AA meetings you can get.. they will save your life.

Talk to your sponsor often and help the newcomers get to meetings.

Ask the oldtimers how they did it and then you do what they did. Pray to "WANT" to do it.

This is not a "take it or leave it" game we're playing here..... this is life or death. I hope you take it seriously.

All the best.

Bob R

sable1

I felt like I should reply to this since I can relate a little bit to your situation. I went through some similar stuff a few years ago. I used to "date" an addict. He used needles and shared needles all the time. I knew he had hepatitis C... He also went in and out of prison/ rehab a lot... Why I was ever with him is a mysterie to me now, but I have beaten myself up about that enough by now. This was when I was younger (I'm 25 now), and my parents were very angry with me at the time because of all that crap... They basicly wanted me out of their lives completely for some time. They were just mad at me for how I wasted my life and made really stupid decisions.

I had a reeally hard time cutting contact with this guy, and like you, I had moved to another city just to get away from him and get a fresh start. At the time I felt really weak and lonely though, so I kept talking to him on the phone.. The whole thing with me and him dragged on for a while, partly because I was a weak mess and partly because he was a manipulative jackass. He finally did some truly repulsive things that made me want to have nothing to do with him again.

I don't know the situation between you and the guy, but from the sound of it I think it's best to cut all contact. Keeping contact will just drag you down and stop you from moving forward. It sholudn't matter if he is a bad person or not, what's important is what is good for you and having contact with an ex boyfriend who wasn't good for you is probably bad....

When I think about the weak, selfdestructive girl I once was, back when I was constantly intoxicated and in an abusive relationship with some criminal addict, it really makes me wonder who that person was. It sure doesn't feel like I have much in common with her now, I guess that's a good sign=P
But I know what you're saying about beating yourself up. I really feel embarresed about some of the crazy stuff I did, but at least I've grown up a bit and learned from it. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes right? It's not like you've killed someone or something so just give yourself a break and trust that this will all fade eventually...

Fandy

Fens I hope that you read this from someone who is close to your age and has BTDT.

your parents must be truly frustrated in that as their child, they are giving you such opportunities and you are just going through the motions because of some Manipulative cunning Jackass (and i'm not talking about the handle of vodka).

you're 24 years old and it's time to sit up and take responsibility. Hope you are feeling better and repair/focus on the people who love you and care about you.

Justfor1

I'm not sure how helpful you are being. I know the "tough talk" just made me more resentful. She is taking responsibility by trying to get sober. The few people that I did listen to was because they showed me compassion.

Dee74

Let's focus on the OP, thanks.

If you really need to take someone to task over how you think they should post, PM is a wonderful tool

D

Dee74

How are you doing FF?

D

Sueski

Fenway, I hope you are doing okay today. Sometimes the taking care of yourself is really hard, but it's important. Even if you think you can't eat, you can manage three bites of something healthy. Yogurt, a peanut butter sandwich, whatever healthy thing you can find. No junk food, that will just add fuel to the fire. Just three bites of good food, and drink some water. If you can't sleep, try to relax listening to some music.

Good luck, and don't forget to breathe.

FenwayFaithful

Hey all,
Sorry for delay.
I'm so sick. I can't get out of bed. All I do is sleep. Even showering is exhausting.
Your'e all right about me needing to cut off contact with this guy. Truth is I am codependent, self destructive person and I am only dragging things out between me and this guy. Cos I know I'd sleep with him again and continuing a friendship especially a sexual one is dangerous, complete NC is that answer here...
Sable thank you very much for your post because we do seem very similar and it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Anyway complete NC might happen cos I may be moving back in with my parents. I'm already behind in school and just don't think I'm going to catch up.
Moving home presents it's own complication. I got into a program out where Ive been living but gong there now wouldn't make sense if I'm moving back to Boston because it's 2 hours away and they'd set me up with treatment out there. I also found a sponsor out there but again it doesn't make much sense to start working with her since I'll be moving back to Boston in a few weeks.
I would get into therapy here probably, not sure if I'd actually go to a program...my parents don't seem crazy about the idea but we'll see what I can do..maybe I can talk to the case manager at my Uni and see if she can help...but yeah it looks like I'm moving home...
I'm just not sure if it's the healthiest thing but maybe its for the best. Sorry I am just so tired I just wanted to give an update.
I did stay sober I just have a hard time dealing with stuff cos I'm not used to sitting with my feelings.

Dee74

I dunno..to me it makes perfect sense to keep doing your programme til you move, then hook up again with other folks in Boston.

If you need it now use it now.
It's not like you can get too much recovery FF lol

D