Helping alcoholic who doesn't ask
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 25
Helping alcoholic who doesn't ask
I'm 27 and about four months sober. I was an every other night drinker.
I have a friend my age. Smart as hell. School teacher. Has a side job playing piano at church (which he loves to do).
He drinks about every day. A lot. Sometimes before church. Has a DUI, still drinks and drives.
His fiance left him in the last couple of days. They've been rough for a while, and she's been planning to move as soon as she found a place. He's torn up over it.
His drinking was not the only reason for the breakup, but had a lot to do with it. They have other issues, but if he wasn't an alcoholic, they'd still be together.
Its like he's completely self destructing, and doesn't realize it. Or maybe he does, and doesn't care. He makes jokes about suicide a lot.
I really haven't talked to him much in the last four months. Most of our interactions revolved around booze, but we were friends prior to drinking (probably starting around age 15 or so; neither of us drank at that age).
I know I can't make him want to quit. Only the alcoholic can decide that for himself. I know I can't let him drag me down. But it's tough watching a close friend do this to himself. Can I try to at least give him advice? If he gets mad, oh well, nothing lost as we don't talk much now days anyway.
This doesn't seem to come up much on here (not sure why), but I'd bet almost everyone on here has gone through this.
What would you do or what did you do?
I have a friend my age. Smart as hell. School teacher. Has a side job playing piano at church (which he loves to do).
He drinks about every day. A lot. Sometimes before church. Has a DUI, still drinks and drives.
His fiance left him in the last couple of days. They've been rough for a while, and she's been planning to move as soon as she found a place. He's torn up over it.
His drinking was not the only reason for the breakup, but had a lot to do with it. They have other issues, but if he wasn't an alcoholic, they'd still be together.
Its like he's completely self destructing, and doesn't realize it. Or maybe he does, and doesn't care. He makes jokes about suicide a lot.
I really haven't talked to him much in the last four months. Most of our interactions revolved around booze, but we were friends prior to drinking (probably starting around age 15 or so; neither of us drank at that age).
I know I can't make him want to quit. Only the alcoholic can decide that for himself. I know I can't let him drag me down. But it's tough watching a close friend do this to himself. Can I try to at least give him advice? If he gets mad, oh well, nothing lost as we don't talk much now days anyway.
This doesn't seem to come up much on here (not sure why), but I'd bet almost everyone on here has gone through this.
What would you do or what did you do?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When I told my social circle ...all excessive drinkers at best
that I was coommitting to AA and heading into recovery
most thought I had lost my mind. They drifted away.
Curious if your friend knows your sober?
that I was coommitting to AA and heading into recovery
most thought I had lost my mind. They drifted away.
Curious if your friend knows your sober?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Brandon...
You are a good friend who is willing to try,,,
The best advice I can think of is to invite him somewhere where
there is no alcohol served Than mention your concerned about
his drinking....ask if there is anything you can do to assist him.
Tell him how much smoother things are for you now.
A quiet public place is best for this...IMO
He may get huffy...but...you planted the idea and perhaps that
will get him interested
You are a good friend who is willing to try,,,
The best advice I can think of is to invite him somewhere where
there is no alcohol served Than mention your concerned about
his drinking....ask if there is anything you can do to assist him.
Tell him how much smoother things are for you now.
A quiet public place is best for this...IMO
He may get huffy...but...you planted the idea and perhaps that
will get him interested
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
I get how frustrating this is and how much it hurts. After I quit I so badly wanted to help my wife stop. It hurt so much to know that I knew there was a way out but could not convey this to her. I almost went mad blaming myself for not being able to help. By all means keep trying to get through to him gently, if you try to force him he'll shut down on you. But don't make it your responsibility to do so.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
When I was drinking,anyone trying to talk to me about it only made me get drunk. I knew I had a problem all along. The alcoholics that are homeless,the ones everyone pictures know they need to quit. I knew I needed to quit.
Yea,there are those in denial. But I don't think I knew very many that really thought they need to keep drinking like they are. Most deep down know they need to stop.
To sum up the bottom line. Practicing alcoholics want to drink more than they want to stop. Quitting was one of the hardest things I have ever done,and I wanted to quit bad.
You know your friend better than anyone here does. You really have nothing to lose if you want to try. You might always wonder in the back of your mind if you cold have made a difference.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,but wanting to help others get sober will not only help them. It will also help you. That is a HUGE part of AA and there are a lot of people at AA that want and need someone to help. Just a thought......
Fred
Yea,there are those in denial. But I don't think I knew very many that really thought they need to keep drinking like they are. Most deep down know they need to stop.
To sum up the bottom line. Practicing alcoholics want to drink more than they want to stop. Quitting was one of the hardest things I have ever done,and I wanted to quit bad.
You know your friend better than anyone here does. You really have nothing to lose if you want to try. You might always wonder in the back of your mind if you cold have made a difference.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,but wanting to help others get sober will not only help them. It will also help you. That is a HUGE part of AA and there are a lot of people at AA that want and need someone to help. Just a thought......
Fred
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Make sure he understands that it's not an ultimatum or a condition to maintain your friendship. But you can gently say that you don't want to hang arround when he is drunk to protect your sobriety.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Thepatman 
Make sure he understands that it's not an ultimatum or a condition to maintain your friendship. But you can gently say that you don't want to hang arround when he is drunk to protect your sobriety.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
