Regret
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Regret
I've relapsed again.
I can't do this anymore. I don't know why, but alcohol is affecting me differently. Two beers and I'm crying and shaking. But my body and mind demand it. It's like it makes me feel worse but I need it, but I can't tell anymore. Eventually I drink more and feel better. When sober, I just need a drink.
What is wrong with me? I called a suicidal hotline yesterday morning and I left my job, and walked miles to a shelter where they provide help for people trying to get sober, and I'm on a waiting list. I'm unemployed again, and I can't take my class. I can't do this. I can't do any of this.
I can't do this anymore. I don't know why, but alcohol is affecting me differently. Two beers and I'm crying and shaking. But my body and mind demand it. It's like it makes me feel worse but I need it, but I can't tell anymore. Eventually I drink more and feel better. When sober, I just need a drink.
What is wrong with me? I called a suicidal hotline yesterday morning and I left my job, and walked miles to a shelter where they provide help for people trying to get sober, and I'm on a waiting list. I'm unemployed again, and I can't take my class. I can't do this. I can't do any of this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Noro... you CAN. There are hundreds of people here who have been in a similar situation to you and have overcome it. You are not alone and your alcoholism is not unique. Please don't think that you are helpless and that your situation is hopeless because it isn't. You can be sober and you can live the life you want to live. How long will it take for you to get a place? Do you have any support that you can use from now until then?
Please don't give up hope, Noro.
Please don't give up hope, Noro.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Thank you for your reply. I do have a place but this environment, this place is leading me to a panic. I can't explain it right. It's like I'm disoriented. Maybe with all of the drugs and alcohol I've damaged my brain. Maybe I'm really a bad person. I don't want to be. I just can't be here anymore. I need to leave.
I cannot keep doing this. I drink at night, I wake up in the morning and I feel like life is impossible. I've come to the point where I am looking for help. I need to go somewhere. I don't have anything. I just need to get to a place where I can learn to actually function. Because right now I can't.
I cannot keep doing this. I drink at night, I wake up in the morning and I feel like life is impossible. I've come to the point where I am looking for help. I need to go somewhere. I don't have anything. I just need to get to a place where I can learn to actually function. Because right now I can't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Noro, didn't you just get done with all the liver worries? You need to be off everything long enough to let your brain chemistry adjust to life without the chemicals. Sounds like you need more real life support, that's one thing good about AA. Have you ever thought about trying AA with a sponsor and all of that?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Noro, it's great that you are seeking help! Keep seeking and you shall find.
And try not to let your mind go crazy on you when you don't drink. Just think of a time when you where sober and happy and hang on to that moment and think, logically, if I was happy without alchool, there is not reason why I can't go back to just that.
Me it's when I was about 11-12 year old, going to the cottage, fishing, riding my bike, swiming in the lake. All I needed back then was simple. Now is time that I go back to that.
Keep positive, you can make this happen!
And try not to let your mind go crazy on you when you don't drink. Just think of a time when you where sober and happy and hang on to that moment and think, logically, if I was happy without alchool, there is not reason why I can't go back to just that.
Me it's when I was about 11-12 year old, going to the cottage, fishing, riding my bike, swiming in the lake. All I needed back then was simple. Now is time that I go back to that.
Keep positive, you can make this happen!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Thank you for your encouragement.
Yesterday I walked around the city, while I ought to have been at work, stopping by liquor stores and just mumbling "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" under my breath on the street, and I don't get it. I think I am losing my mind. I really am losing my mind. I am trying to maintain, trying to be normal, but I'm not normal and I can't maintain. And all along I just want to drink, even when I don't. Yes, it makes no sense.
BackToSquareOne, yes, I have had liver problems this year. They've been resolved, basically, but perhaps not so much that I'm not vulnerable. I'm not eating anymore because I'm drinking. That's reminiscent to when I had to go to the hospital.
I've been yelling at people, crying on friends' laps, I've lost my job. I've done this all to myself. I don't know what is happening to me. I don't want to drink but I have to, and I don't know why. I don't understand what is happening to me anymore. I don't know how to explain it anymore. I'm sorry.
Yesterday I walked around the city, while I ought to have been at work, stopping by liquor stores and just mumbling "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" under my breath on the street, and I don't get it. I think I am losing my mind. I really am losing my mind. I am trying to maintain, trying to be normal, but I'm not normal and I can't maintain. And all along I just want to drink, even when I don't. Yes, it makes no sense.
BackToSquareOne, yes, I have had liver problems this year. They've been resolved, basically, but perhaps not so much that I'm not vulnerable. I'm not eating anymore because I'm drinking. That's reminiscent to when I had to go to the hospital.
I've been yelling at people, crying on friends' laps, I've lost my job. I've done this all to myself. I don't know what is happening to me. I don't want to drink but I have to, and I don't know why. I don't understand what is happening to me anymore. I don't know how to explain it anymore. I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
You are just feeling really depressed. And the booze is only making it worst, it is a depressant. Maybe you could go to a detox Center where they could help you detox in safety? You just then have to keep sober and you will see things differently.
WE ALL have this in common on this site, you stop you feel better. But you have to want to feel better more then drinking. Only then will you be able to make things change.
Just my 50 Cents, I'm only on Day 15 so I'm just a Padawan ;-)
WE ALL have this in common on this site, you stop you feel better. But you have to want to feel better more then drinking. Only then will you be able to make things change.
Just my 50 Cents, I'm only on Day 15 so I'm just a Padawan ;-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Noro:
I missed this post the other day. I found it today, as I was trying to follow up on you, remembering previous posts of yours.
How are you doing right now? Are you sober?
I remember your history, both in terms of drinking, liver problems and hospitalizations and relapses. It seems that you need a fairly intensive treatment program to which you can commit.
Where are you located...maybe SR members can help guide you to something.
Hang in there and stay sober, will you?
I missed this post the other day. I found it today, as I was trying to follow up on you, remembering previous posts of yours.
How are you doing right now? Are you sober?
I remember your history, both in terms of drinking, liver problems and hospitalizations and relapses. It seems that you need a fairly intensive treatment program to which you can commit.
Where are you located...maybe SR members can help guide you to something.
Hang in there and stay sober, will you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Sorry for taking so long with to update. No, I'm not sober. I've really made some pretty big mistakes. I tried to fix some things and I made them worse. It's like alcohol makes me crazy, when it used to make me feel normal. I don't drink as heavily as I used to, but still crave and consume to maintain.
I am looking into treatment. I've got to get better because this has been overwhelming. I can't work when I'm in rehab, though. I work mornings/afternoons, so I don't know if any outpatient services have an evening program. I'm a little weird about disclosing my state on forums, as I don't want anybody to come across here and realize who I am. But I will continue to look for something in my area. I'm just going a little crazy and it's leading to things that make me feel worse.
The drinking has got to stop, yes. I've been awake and sober all night, though. Last night all I had was one Four Loko drink (gross but cheap). But sobriety still feels like hell; shakiness, cold sweats, etc. I was laying down a couple hours ago and sweating like hell, yet I was freezing and under a blanket.
I have no idea why I do this to myself, but I'm going to get help.
I am looking into treatment. I've got to get better because this has been overwhelming. I can't work when I'm in rehab, though. I work mornings/afternoons, so I don't know if any outpatient services have an evening program. I'm a little weird about disclosing my state on forums, as I don't want anybody to come across here and realize who I am. But I will continue to look for something in my area. I'm just going a little crazy and it's leading to things that make me feel worse.
The drinking has got to stop, yes. I've been awake and sober all night, though. Last night all I had was one Four Loko drink (gross but cheap). But sobriety still feels like hell; shakiness, cold sweats, etc. I was laying down a couple hours ago and sweating like hell, yet I was freezing and under a blanket.
I have no idea why I do this to myself, but I'm going to get help.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Noro, I was once pretty much where you are now. I finally ended up in the emergency room with a severe panic attack, questioning my own sanity. I thought for sure I had brain damage from nearly 30 years of drinking. My doctor got me out of my "panic" state and suggested I either cut down or stop drinking all together. I haven't had a drop since and it didn't take long for my "brain fog" to lift and for my life to slowly, but surely get back on track. Today, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my adult life. I never thought I'd quit drinking and thought I'd die a hopeless, worthless drunk. It's up to you to make the decision. You CAN recover from this. I'm living proof that it can be done.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Noro:
Good first step re: Day 1. Do you have friends who can watch you through detox? I don't know how much you have been drinking recently, but my memory seems to recall past drinking was enough to consider a medically supervised detox.
I don't know if you remember me, but I am very concerned about you. Back in August, I was giving you somewhat of a hard time because of the effects of alcohol on your liver and your struggle with relapses. I was pushing you, hoping to firm your resolve to stay sober as I got the impression you might not be fully grasping the gravity of the situation.
With your plan to go to AA, does that include trying to source out additional help? My two cents is that you need it for both your health and efforts at sobriety.
I wish this country had more resources for recovery. You are a high risk case right now and deserve specialized care.
Please know that there are many of us who do understand your situation and care very much about you. Let us know whatever we can do to support you.
Slim
Good first step re: Day 1. Do you have friends who can watch you through detox? I don't know how much you have been drinking recently, but my memory seems to recall past drinking was enough to consider a medically supervised detox.
I don't know if you remember me, but I am very concerned about you. Back in August, I was giving you somewhat of a hard time because of the effects of alcohol on your liver and your struggle with relapses. I was pushing you, hoping to firm your resolve to stay sober as I got the impression you might not be fully grasping the gravity of the situation.
With your plan to go to AA, does that include trying to source out additional help? My two cents is that you need it for both your health and efforts at sobriety.
I wish this country had more resources for recovery. You are a high risk case right now and deserve specialized care.
Please know that there are many of us who do understand your situation and care very much about you. Let us know whatever we can do to support you.
Slim
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
good to hear from you Noro 
AA has certainly helped a lot of my friends out - sounds like a plan
do follow through - I don't know what time it is there, but I'd be looking up meetings for today or tomorrow at the latest
D
AA has certainly helped a lot of my friends out - sounds like a plan
do follow through - I don't know what time it is there, but I'd be looking up meetings for today or tomorrow at the latest
D
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