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Just figuring it out

Old 04-08-2004, 11:00 AM
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Just figuring it out

I am trying to quit drinking and have been quite unsuccessful in the past. My boyfriend is a recovering *A* for 5 years and tells me that I am a drunk. I wan't to quit just to maintain a healthier lifestyle and partly to show him that I can too. My habit is typical, meet friends after work for a few, dinner and wine, etc. I just can't have two drinks though and therein lies my problem with alcohol. Whenever my bf gets on my case it just makes me want to go and pick up a bottle. I know this is a lame excuse, but I feel that I have started to drink more since he has been getting on me.

I hear everyone say to go do other things , change of pattern, lifestyle change etc. Well, every friend I have drinks, I am involved is many sports (wan't to lose weight so I can participate better), I hold a great job, live alone, take care of my house alone, take care of my sick father alone, pay my bills and stay out of trouble. Does that make me a functional alcoholic?

Just need some insight on how you guys do it (quit that is).
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Old 04-08-2004, 12:47 PM
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Early recovery can be a period of great turmoil,--------------and learning. Mostly about ourselves, our motivations, and what they result in. �Reasons� are rarely what we think they are. They are little more than “excuses�, and not the “causatives� that we regularly confuse them with. “Reasons� make us sound reasonable. That’s about it. Fact is we always want what we want, then go about searching for “reasons� to support a stance we’ve already chosen.

Since we are the only ones that can make the declaration that alcohol is a “problem�, rarely will anyone else’s rationale make any sense to us what-so-ever. For those of “us� who really have a problem, or even designate ourselves as alcoholic “quitting� has been a real adventure with a degree of difficulty that often boggles our mind. Rarely has “quitting on our own� been successful, but then as the Big Book suggests, “Our hats are off to those who believe they can� (I’m paraphrasing here, bear with me) In the end, we will always learn our “lesson� from beverage alcohol itself. And that, in a time and place of our own making. Welcome to the site. You’ll find a great deal of “interesting� and helpful material, See ya ‘round the campus.
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Old 04-08-2004, 12:50 PM
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Hi there lost

Welcome to SR!

This is a great place to find friendship and support . You have made a great decision, but you need to want to do it for YOU!

About the " change in lifestyle" that you have seen mentioned , it is a fact , especially in early sobriety , you cannot keep doing what you do, and expect different results . I well know the feeling of not being able to " stop at 2 drinks " or 10 for that matter lol

I chose AA as my mode of recovery , and it is working for me , there i met new sober friends , and gained huge support . You might like to try a meeting or 2 and see what you think.

I too, live alone, and in some ways that made it easier for me , in some ways not . i do not have to worry about anyone bringing home booze, and I can stay here in SR as long as I like lol. but on the other hand , i had to learn to use the phone , to call AA friends when the going gets tough, or I get lonely .
I left my decision to quit a long time, i had been drinking for 37 years, and in the end , i was so isolated i had no friends to call, and drank alone , with the curtains closed . The only place I functioned was at work. it has made my recovery just that much harder ,, cos now i have to deal with developing new social skills as well.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and only gets worse , not better

Keep posting , I look forward to getting to know you

HUGX
Lee
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Old 04-08-2004, 02:02 PM
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Thank you

Appreciate all of the insight....very much. I don't want to be 37 years of doing this, that is for sure. I am only 35 and started drinking more around 7 years ago when my mom died and I got divorced....started with the depression thing.

Over the past two years I have made progress in the area of heavy drinking I believe. I would love to have the option of being a social drinker, just *2* you know. I have quit the 'after work' meetings and rarely ever drink around my bf, which I am with 5 out of 7 days a week. So, in many ways I have cut back extensively. I would like to be a special occasion drinker only, thereby it doesn't affect my boyfriend very often, my health, or my self esteem.

Is it possibly to exercise self control on these extreme levels? Or will I always fall of the *occasional drinker* wagon and go back to my typical bottle of wine at a pop?

Have you ever known someone that had progressed to heavy drinking that cut back and actually maintained self control? Or is an alcoholic, an alcoholic, an alcoholic..... no gray lines?

MA
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Old 04-08-2004, 02:39 PM
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Hi Lost,

In my opinion an alcoholic is an alcoholic and that's it. There is no going back, though most of us have wished and tried umpteen times. If you truly believe you are an alcoholic, then you have to accept this. If you are not an alcoholic, then you'll be able to drink when you choose to and not drink when you choose not to. One way to find out is simply to stop drinking completely for 3 months and see how you feel. Maybe you've already done this and know the answer. You see if I was to say I could drink once in a while, the first thing that would happen is the obsessive thinking - when will that be, what will I be drinking, etc. and before long the obsessive thoughts will push more and more of my day-to-day life out of the way. So, even if I never did pick up the drink, my mind is messed up with thoughts of alcohol. And, I will not let that happen again. There are too many other fabulous, wonderful things to think about instead of drinking. Keep posting and hang around here. There's lots of information and inspiration to be found.

Love, Anna
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Old 04-08-2004, 02:45 PM
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"Have you ever known someone that had progressed to heavy drinking that cut back and actually maintained self control? Or is an alcoholic, an alcoholic, an alcoholic..... no gray lines?"
---------I'm sorry to say, but I have never known anyone who manages to cut back and maintain self control.

As has been said in this thread, it is a progressive and fatal illness.

Lost, please don't go where some of us have gone.

Make use of SR and maybe even go to AA.

Welcome
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Old 04-08-2004, 03:02 PM
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Hi again!

I agree with both the posts from mooty , and Anna . it is my belief that " normal social drinkers", dont even think about , can they or cant they , for them it is not an issue .

Anna's suggestion is a good one . give it a try . I know that for me it is not an option.
let us know how you are getting on , cos we do care

HUGX
Lee
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Old 04-08-2004, 03:44 PM
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Social drinkers...

When we left for our honeymoon in 1990, I promised myself I would drink moderately as my wife had expressed concerns about my intake. As the flight attendant rolled the refreshment cart down towards us, I observed people opening those tiny bottles and actually ask for extra mix and ice. I marvelled at this. By the time the cart had arrived to me, I had worked myself into a frenzy at the thought of having just one, like the "normal" people. My brain was sending messages to my body. Cold sweat, shakes.
"I'll take three of those please, and do you have any beer too?"
I was never even able to pretend I was a social drinker. The thought that I might someday be able to drink "socially" is a moot point.(no pun intended 63)
DD
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Old 04-10-2004, 12:02 PM
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Aaaah Dan, Ya take me back, and indeed I can really relate to that one. When I sobered up I was still “working�.. I was flying all over the country and the Caribbean “doing disasters� rarely if ever sober. Hmmmm come to think of it I WAS the disaster. At any rate, when we’d close up a job, we’d always have a wild ass party prior to departure. Having “sobered up, I was in some way “prepared for that one, and simply “avoided� it. Made an early appearance, had an iced tea, or two, said what I needed to, then beat feet back to my motel room. If I remember correctly, I may have even found a meeting that night.

What I WASN’T prepared for, was that flight home the next day. It wasn’t all that uncommon for the “crew� of the plane to actually buy us drinks since most of us wore our identification and were pretty visible. Even as the cart started making it’s way down the isle, I was a little taken aback , but certainly not ready to screw it up. Even when she asked, and I shakily demurred, opting for coffee instead, I wasn’t ready for the “But sir, the crew and the captain wish to thank you for your efforts, and they’ll be no charge.�

Geeeeez, I don’t think I EVER wanted a drink so bad. It was all mixed up with what I thought I “deserved�, the crushing oppression of the previous month or so, the release, the recognition, feelings of self worth, and inflation of an already massive ego.. I could quite literally “taste� the stuff (but that’s another story). I can recall looking at that pretty little stewardess, and wishing she was one of the stewards, so I could bite his head off when I said “No�. Even as that thought went through my head, so did, “Jesus, this is one I really worked my ass off for�, and there it all was. Pure, crystalline. screwed up and devious, the problem, and the solution, me, and my disease.

I can say, that was pretty much the last drink I ever “craved� though, and even though processing that moment would take a while longer. The obsession was lifted. It will always come down to that moment when it’s just “us� and that drink sometimes repetitively if we’ve not done our work well. And the “thing� that will make the difference will be not our will necessarily, but what it is that we insert between us and that drink,----------if we do.
Jeff
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Old 04-12-2004, 07:23 AM
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Hey lostinabg,here is a little from the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous.See if you can relate to what this says..Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics.No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.Therefore it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people.The idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.
2..the delusion that we are like other people or presently may be ,has to be...smashed.We alcoholics are people who have lost the ability to control our drinking.
3..Over any considerable period we get worse never better.
If you are a fuctioning aclcoholic you can add.. yet to fuctioning.Example..i hold a great job.You havent lost your job....yet...Remember alcohol is cunning,baffling and....powerful.It is a progressive disease...You say,i am trying to quit drinking and have been quite unsuccessful in the past...Your,own, experience is that its not working,trying to cut back,,etc......You are alcoholic if you say you are,.Only..you..know for sure.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care...
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Old 04-12-2004, 08:15 AM
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This is great information for me. You are all right in that there is no 'cutting back', because I haven't yet. Its all or nothing and I am going to set up an appointment to go to a counseler today. I need to get my depression under control and remove alcohol from my life. I am too young to continually do this to myself...it's pathetic and sad. I have many obligations in my life, so I can't drink myself silly anymore.
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Old 04-13-2004, 07:37 AM
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Re: Just figuring it out

HmmmmmmOnce ya've "pickled" that cucumber,------------it can never return to being a cucumber.
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Old 04-13-2004, 08:38 AM
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Re: Just figuring it out

Jeff C, you've got that right. I believe in myself and I believe that I am still young enough to get it together and make things right. I never realized how much I drank until I started dating a recovering alcoholic. The situation with him and I is quite precarious because of it, and I am very afraid that I may be dating a 'dry drunk'. He was in a position that he had to quit drinking....he was in so much trouble with the law, etc. I am in a position of wanting to quit drinking.
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Old 04-13-2004, 09:23 AM
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Re: Just figuring it out

I am in a position of wanting to quit drinking.
Hi Lost,

I started from the same place, but in my case it was driven by a deepening knowledge of my life's unmanageability - particularly finances, but it's really a pervasive unmanageability. I didn't initially see my alcohol and drug use as high enough to "qualify" for AA membership, but I could clearly see the unmanageability.

Now that I'm writing down my drunk-a-dope-a-logue for Step 1, I don't see my self as quite that highbottom any more . When I hit the recovery rollercoaster, the magnitude of that ride (which is still going as we speak ) told me that I was pretty well self-medicated before I stopped - moreso than I ever suspected.

I'll just add my personal favorite Big Book quote:

To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. Certain drinkers, who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, are astonished at their inability to stop.
Thanks for showing up here, and keep coming back.

James
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