Csmcjewl

Wow, it's good to get the message board back! I had a really bad couple of days there! I beleive it was Sunday the board went down? Well, Jeff at the meeting that night said that he had gotten angry at this guy and was so angry it almost sent him back out drinking. Well, Monday, the last meeting I could go to before I started my long string of 2nds here. Well, Jeff wasn't there. That worried me abit but i tried to just shrug it off. That night I came home and I decided to call Neil and leave a message on his phone. At the same time I called Shane, a good friend that lives in Tennessee that kinda always had a small thing for me but mostly we've just been friends. I haven't seen him in 4 years but lately he hasn't been answering my e-mails or hadn't called me since like December. Well, later in the night I was pretty frusterated and feeling pretty lonely. I mean, no message board, no Jeff, No Shane, no Neil....just Noone. And Dave had to go to bed early for class. So, I decided to try and call Shane back. This was about 1:30am. He still didn't answer his phone and it went to voice mail. Well, then I tried to call Neil again and his phone went straight to voice mail. That really upset me. That means he got my message and didn't call me back so I left another short message saying it was kinda important he give me a ring. Well, the next day Shane called me back and left a message before I went to work. I got up and gave him a call back even though I only had like 10 minutes. I found out he was upset with me, get this...because I'd slept with Neil. My immediate reaction was like...What? You have no right to judge me and be angry at me when you weren't even here, you don't even know! You've been avoiding me for ages now! However, upon reflection like Dave said, he was judging the type of person he thought I was and maybe didn't want to be friends with someone like that. I was still kinda seething with anger like...Who does he think he is? But, I let it go because we were to talk that night (Tuesday).
Well, Tuesday night Dave comes to me and tells me he got an e-mail from Scott. Apparently Scott had found a library and written Dave a quick e-mail from there. That only upset me further as far as Neil was concerned. I sat down and wrote him a note that basically said...Apparently we're in different places right now and I'm not as high on your priority list as I'd like to be as a friend. I won't sit here and wait for you to throw me scraps of a "friendship". Unless I am some sort of a priority to you, in any way and you feel like acting like a friend, don't contact me anymore. That was the gist of it. I hated to write it but...ya know...I know it's what I needed to do.
Well, then came the conversation with Shane. I just kinda rambled to him on the phone forever about how much I'd changed and how I'm not the person now that I was then and how I was sorry if he felt offended by my judge of character but it wasn't a good indicator of who I am...blahblah. Well, of course I didn't say what I wanted to so I sent him an e-mail. He sent me one back tonight at work saying basically he's sick of playing the "nice guy" to me. He's always still felt love for me and that I'd basically hurt him so much over the past few years he was really upset that I'd done this with Neil. I almost had to laugh, I mean....he's jealous because I cheated on Dave with Neil and not him?? Does that sort of a dynamic even exsist?
So, basically I wrote back and said...I am sorry, I know I hurt him. I said ya know..I'm not on the 8th step but I guess to clear my side of the street here I was going to have to explain things. I said I never loved him (he insists i'm like harboring feelings for him) that way and never would. I guess I kinda led him on in the past, I never told him I didn't have feelings for him but we'd always been just friends since like 97 so...even though he insisted he didn't like me anymore (there was an issue at first but I was with my ex. b/f) apparently that didn't hold true anymore because I'd "cheated" on him with Neil....? I don't know exactly. But, basically...I apoligized for not being compleatly honest with him. I told him I was selfish and I was doing whatever would get my attention and yeah, I was probrably using him because he liked me and I knew it, I played into that. I was very honest and it was pretty hard to do. But, I told him that being that he's been my friend for this long, it's a pretty safe bet that the friendship is probrably unhealthy, as much like everything else in my life when it comes to my friends were. I told him that unless he could stop pining over me and accept that i'm never going to return his affections, we're better off not being friends. I also told him that if he chose to stay my friend, I could offer him a much better friendship than in the past because I have changed and I don't take people for granted anymore and I don't toy with guys emotions like I used to.
Ya know the funny thing? I realized in retrospect that the whole reason I had the courage to write those e-mails was because of Jeff. Because he treated me with respect and wasn't harboring anything under the surface toward me. It just made me realize how good it felt to not have to deal with that and how in a healthy friendship, I shouldn't have to.
Yeah, it hasn't been easy. I mean, 6 months ago I would've told you that Neil and Shane were my two best friends in the world. In the past 2 days I've pretty much ended friendships with both of them. The only reason I have the courage is because I feel deep down it's the right thing to do. It's the honest thing to do for me.
Now, on to work....I'm going crazy!!!! I hate it!!!!! Don is going to drive me insane!!! Sigh....3 more days. 3 more days. 3 more days. Deep breaths....I need a meeting pretty bad. I know it's only Wednesday and I went Monday but...wow, does it ever feel like an eternity!! I can't go now till the noon meeting Friday...sigh. I'm just trying to deal with it and not let it get to me too much. Don isn't like Stephanie but, he's so good intentioned that it drives me crazy. And he's constantly joking, constantly...it's really aggrevating after awhile. I may sound like I just complain about everyone I work with but really...it's only the 2. Stephanie is ornery and Don is just always happy. I can't say anything to him and have him listen to a word I say or take me seriously. He's always making jokes and laughing at them. It just gets old after like 5 minutes because i can't talk to him at all. Sigh...3 more days. 1 more with Don then Friday with Stephanie and Saturday with Don. I pray I get Sunday off...I can't take much more of this. It's not that I want to drink but it disrupts my well being ya know? I don't feel peaceful at all, i don't feel ...hrm...what's a good word....I don't have serenity like I feel I should because they are both just a constant irritant to me.
Ok...I'm done ranting and raving. I hope I did the right thing with Shane and Neil. I don't think it's really hit me yet that I may never hear from either one of them....i don't want to deal with that yet, I just want to feel that I only did what was honest to me. That's about all I can handle right now.
Thanks,
Stacey
Ps. I'm really glad the board is back up! I missed you guys!

Csmcjewl

That's it....Shane and I aren't friends anymore. I"m sitting at work right now trying my best not to cry. I shouldn't have read that e-mail while still here. I should've waited till I got home but I couldn't. I just....sobriety isn't worth this. Sobriety isn't worth losing my best friends over.
I'm working 2nds for the next like 5 days still before I get a day off. I can't make it to meetings, and now I've lost someone very dear to me because of Not drinking and the self relizatoin it brought. Oh...it hurts so bad. I just have to swallow it and not cry though. My co-worker is on lunch right now....Sigh....Why do I always have to put on faces? Why do I have to go through this to be sober? It's so not worth it....it's just not.
Stacey

dotcom

An important question I must ask myself as often as possible is, "Personally, not for anyone else... but for me, am I willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean/sober?" My clean time is what makes friendships possible. When I stayed clean for someone else, or thought that I had to please them I just fool myself. Are you staying clean/sober for YOU? Another thing that really helps me is to get OUT of my problems and start encouraging other people with their struggles. It REALLY puts things into perspective. Of course, everyone finds venting to be helpful. But if the only thing you do is vent it becomes another vicious circle! Around and around we go. Blame just keeps the focus off of the real problems that stem from OURSELVES. I hope you are able to dig deep down inside and start giving to others the kind of support and encouragement that you have been given. It will really help you grow outside of yourself and will make life so much more blessed! I am just now learning to do that outside of the internet, and boy is it full of blessings and rewards!

Best wishes,

Dotcom

Csmcjewl

Hey,
You are right, I was just acting rash...I shouldn't have said sobriety wasn't worth it. It's always worth it, I was just really really upset there for a few moments.
Sigh...it'll take some time to get used to the fact that I'm being more honest with myself and others but to continue friendships under false pretenses isn't how I want to enter into marriage. I e-mailed him back and said....obviously I am left to believe that you weren't ever truly my friend and always had hope of being with me. If that is true, I wish you the best in life. If not, I welcome your friendship but under the right assumptions. I am marrying Dave. I will not give out any sort of impression that I'm going to cheat on him in marriage, it's just not going to happen.
Yes, I will stay sober.
Stacey

Me2

Thanks d-com----me2

Don S

Hi, Stacey, good to see you back here!
It may not have been the greatest idea to have contacted your friends, but I think in the long term it has proven beneficial. I've really thought for a while that you should take a 'time out' for a while from people who have been the source of so much distress for you. Notice I'm not saying they caused it, or you caused it. It's just that those relationships are chaotic and stressful, and not healthy for you or them.

You said "apparently we're in different places now" and it is obvious that is true. It upsets you to accept that, but it really is what is happening. Your sobriety, your relationship, the direction of your life, and the choices they are making mean that things won't be as they were before. I don't think you really want things as they were before. Change is just upsetting. There's nothing wrong with being sad or frustrated or annoyed. But it sounds as though you believe that 'it isn't fair'.

Accepting change, and accepting the things we can't do anything about, is really important to serenity. Writing in a journal (or here), consciously forging new relationships, doing something symbolic to settle and 'put away' those old relationships--all those can be helpful. This is where some of those demanding words and beliefs can become harmful: he 'should' have replied to me; 'everyone' is leaving; 'none' of my old friends are still around; I 'have to' do all these things (put on face, smile, etc.).

There really are two things to deal with. One is the immediate upset, anger, sadness, etc. Some people distract themselves; others work through these emotions. Changing your vocabulary and describing your situations more accurately can be very helpful. Work isn't all awful; it pays the bills, and perhaps you can see the humor in some of the characters and situations. Whenever you find yourself using absolute words, it's useful to catch yourself and ask if they are really true: never, always, should, shouldn't, can't, must, etc.

The other thing to deal with is those underlying beliefs. That you are alone, that nobody else is in your situation, that there is some aspect of all of this that drinking would make better. You know there are folks here to talk to. Perhaps if you got to know some of the folks at the AA meetings better you'd find that some of them share your sense of isolation. People who have anxiety, depression, and substance abuse problems tend to isolate ourselves, and it's stunningly relieving to find others like ourselves.

And, of course, your husband-to-be is your friend in all of this as well.....

Talk to you soon!
Don S

Csmcjewl

Yeah....my first reaction on here was showing my anger. My second reaction was my calm after the storm and now i've had awhile to think about it.
Shane actually wasn't one of the people I've ever drank with, he's actually the only friend I've kept for years that I never drank with ever. He was supposed to me my one "real" friend that wasn't involved in all this, that's why I was trying to contact him. I thought he would be someone I could really talk to about how I was feeling pretty lonely n' stuff. That's why I was trying to talk to him.
When he came back with what he did, I knew I had to put him in his place so to say. I never dreamed that would mean the end of our friendship. I realize now that while I was drinking maybe some of this was obvious to me, I just chose to ignore when he would flirt with me and blow it off. I flirted back not realizing how much it meant to him. It wasn't even what I'd done with Neil that upset him so much as the fact that I was getting married and he had lost his "chance" with me. I was very straightfoward and honest with him about how him and Neil differed and why I did what i did with Neil. I said Neil spoke to the alcoholic in me and him and I were basically self destructing together. It was totally different. I've never felt feelings toward Shane like he thought I had and I told him that.
The brutal honesty killed him and ya know, I keep telling myself...all I could do is "clean my side of the street" ya know? I was honest and I was willing to remain his friend on the basis that he knows there is nothing further than friendship and he chose not to. It's really disheartening...Shane was supposed to be like my best friend, or at least he was...even after he moved 4 years ago, he remained a good friend. Sigh....So...that's that. Sobriety has sucked today but I'm glad for the matureness it's brought even if it means losing friends because that just means they werne't friends to begin with. ....as sad as that is.
I will try to use humor in my workplace. You know, when I read that I immediatly thought of American splendor that movie...I wish I could draw...i'm going to start doing comics at work, I swear! That's a great idea...thank you. The new schedule went up today and turns out I'm working 2nds Sun, Mon and Tuesday also...8 days in a row on 2nds...i'm going to shoot myself! But, then I've got Wed and Thursday off...I'm going to the noon meeting tomarrow and the breakfast meeting Saturday and then the noon Monday so, I hope I can make it through the next 5 days without too awful much trouble.
Thanks for all the support....I'm not going to contact any more "friends", i promise.
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Well, I didn't manage to get myself out of bed today to go to the noon meeting. The dog and cat kept me awake for so long last night I just turned off my alarm and gave up. Sigh, but I'm going to try and make it tomarrow for the 11am meeting. That's really early for me but I'm going to try. Anyways, nother day gone by. Worked with Stephanie tonight, she was only mildly aggrevating checking in every single customer that walked through the door just because the manager was there and she wanted to impress him. I really tried to think of comics to draw but all I could imagine was like the manager standing there naked with he head stuck up his butt. Hehe...and that's not something I activally wanted to picture.
Jennie and her friend came in to say hi tonight and then my parents stopped in with my little cousin who was spending the night. She's nine. It was really odd though just the feelings that were going through me. It was like looking at myself or something ya know? I mean, she was sitting there watching cartoons and my dad just walks up and changes the channel on her just kinda shrugging her cartoons off as "not important". It was....I don't know, interesting to say the least. I feel sorry for her. Anyways, I haven't heard anything back from Shane. Last night i sent him one last e-mail basically saying, I'm actually a lot different from the person that I was. I told him to go buy the Damien Rice Album, the Norah Jones Album and the Evanescence album, then add to that the movie Lost in Translation and Thirteen and after absorbing the "box o' Stacey", ask himself if he's interested in being a part of that life that is now me. Folk music and indie films, that's me! It's the part of me I always kept hidden while I was drinking. My love for folk music and indie was always somehow on the back burner even though it was what I enjoyed most. I always kept it that way sort of as someplace to "run away" to when I'd had enough drinking.
Anyways, 4 more days of 2nds...I can't believe I'm only halfway through this hell. The big paycheck totally doesn't make up for this agony. However, I was thinking...once next Wednesday hits, a day which I don't intend to leave my pajamas or take a shower the entire day and do nothing but lounge and maybe work out (if i feel like it) and Thursday off, then I don't work till 3rds Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday and then I will no doubt have at least Tuesday off. I CANNOT wait for that. An entire week of meetings straight!! I haven't been now since Monday....it's bothering me but mostly I'm ok just cause I'm so busy. I want to hit that one tomarrow, I know it's important for me. There is a little inkling in the back of my mind that maybe I'm doing ok on the steps by myself and don't need a sponser. The responsible part of my brain goes...and what, be an AA prodogy child? Who do you think you are? hehe...that usually keeps me grounded and tells me I really do need a meeting. I am really sad about Shane and i'm sure I am yet to miss him when there comes a time I really want to call and talk to him but...I guess there isn't anything I can do eh? It's really too bad. Anyways, I'm just going to focus on the wedding n' stuff and try to keep myself busy with that.
Thanks for all the support, I need it during this trying time of 8 days in a row at work!!
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Sigh....
Getting ready to leave for work. 10 more minutes. I am SOOO sick of working. Today is day 6, only day 7 and 8 to endure and I'm free and one more day closer to leaving for Toronto to see Damien Rice. I swear, people at the meetings are going to get the wrong impression!
Well, on the down side...I haven't heard anything back from Shane so I'm assuming that indead, it is over. I can't really think about it much honestly, I mean...he was one of my best friends. There was him, Neil and Dave and now the other two are gone and Dave is all I have left. Is that what's supposed to happen when you're getting married? All your friends ditch you because they can't date you? Hrm...I'm not even hot or anything, geez....
Anyways, I don't know....I'm pretty down about it still. Had a guy hit on me after the meeting yesterday. Yeah, I managed to drag myself up out of bed to hit the Sat. morning meeting and then went back home and crawled back into bed..hehe. But, yeah...after the meeting this guy asks how I'm doing. He's like 50 with like 18 years of sobriety or something. I said, fine...just sick of work and he kinda goes...well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and starts digging through his wallet. My insides are going...uhhhh, he's going to hit on me! And uhhh...what's going on? at the same time. He hands me his business card and asks if I'd like to catch some coffee and talk sometime. This is the point I'm totally confused because I'm going....Is this guy 13th stepping? Why does he assume that a 50 yr old man and a 24 yr old girl would have Anything to talk about?? I just kidna went...Oh..uhh, ok...thanks. And walked away, totally confused because i didn't want to offend him if he wasn't 13th stepping ya know? I just didn't feel right about a guy giving me his number to "talk". I don't know, maybe I'm just sick of men in general right now and I got the vibe he was hitting on me and honestly, it's the Wrong time for a guy to hit on me because I might just go off on him. Poor suckers.
Anyways, so...I'm not too sure about that but I'm not going to call him and if he wants to know why, I'll tell him why.
So....4 months sober Friday. I can't believe it, I really can't. I'm in total awe that I'm still sober. It really is amazing to me. OK...time for Another day of work! At least today I'm alone but it's my first time on 2nd shift alone so....we'll see how that goes!!
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Fits of Rage:
What's going on? Today I got up, went to work and was a little discouraged by all the families and how many people asked me how my Easter was going. I was just like..yeah...fine, working overtime cause I'm allergic to chocolate. Then on the way home I heard a commercial about Easter and eating with your family and everything and it was like, something snapped in me and I was just instantly ornery. I had asked Dave to make me food for when I got home cause I was gonna be really hungry right? Well, I walk in the door...no food. He hasn't showered yet, he's had 3 days off and done absolutly Nothing around the house And there's no food and I'm starving. Oh..gotta go.
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Basically it was just this fit of rage that I didn't really understand. It's like when something that means a lot to be makes me upset, it's like I get Really upset. Last night I kept seeing families all over the hotel and they were all together for Easter and here I was, at work. I started to get resentful about not having a normal family, which I know is silly cause no family is normal. But, then on the way home there was this commercial about eating dinner with your family and I was like...well, at least Dave is making tacos for when I get home. I walked in the front door and...nothing. Dave comes wandering out from the bedroom still in pajamas at 11pm, again! He hadn't done a thing all day and the dinner wasn't even started. Now, he did start making it as soon as I got home but it was like this little switch in me flipped and I was just so dissapointed that he didn't have it done cause I was looking forward to it soo much. Well, I wanted him to take me to my car (it was still at work) and he grabbed the keys to his and said he would take me when he got out of the shower after we ate. That just was it...I walked out the door and was like...nevermind then, I'll walk! So, I walked All the way back to work and got my car. By the time I'd gotten there I'd calmed down and realized why I was upset and I didn't want to fight. So, I ran to the bank and then bought us Taco Bell as an "I'm sorry". He was out looking for me when i got home but when he came back I told him how much I was looking foward to having "Easter Dinner" (taco's) with my "family" (fiance) and I was just really dissapointed. The thing that scared me though was the fact that I came really close to drinking last night. It's like the longer I'm on these overtimes, the more and more I find myself thinking, well...what the hell, why not? Ya know? I need to get my butt back to meetings and soon. I woke up this morning about 10 minutes till the noon meeting but decided not to go. It was like...all of a sudden I was like...I've been showing up at these meetings for like the past week looking like night of the living dead claiming to be on "overtime". I wonder if anyone thinks I'm actually just out drinking? hehe...the thought occured to me so I didn't go. I've got 2 more days to go at work, I'm praying they go quick. I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Then Wednesday I can hit my meeting like usual and life will be happy.
I just don't understand why/how I get So upset over really nothing, why I fly off the handle and can't seem to rationalize anything. It's like it starts to get to me and all this anger wells up inside and I either want to drink or cut myself again. It's horrible. I don't know....I just don't understand.
I haven't heard from Shane but Neil called and left a message in the middle of the "fight". (That made Dave really happy....sigh..) I havne't called him back yet.
Anyways, I gotta get to work, just wanted to write...if anyone has any similar experience, please do share! I don't understand myself!!!
Thanks
Stacey

Csmcjewl

BTW: I don't actually smoke like my avatar! But the picture is from one of my favorite anime's "Haibane Renemi" and she's my favorite character...!

Me2

Alcohol abuse is the symptom and we need to treat the cause. I fear your comments that your almost ready to drink...may become a self fulfilling prophecy if your not careful. Your emotional disorder reagarding Shane and Niel is only going to compound your stress over work and the whole dramatic scene could be just be awaiting the right trigger. Sometimes the enemy comes in the back door when we let him watch as we hide the key. Not secureing your sobriety by purposely or even subconsciously setting yourself up to fall is unwise and dangerous. Sometimes we trick ourselves and get burned because we over think the situation and spin out by rationalizing things to much..and a lot of times we think we are justified...but its only a subtle attempt to set our own selves up for failure. I still think your feelings for Shane and Niel and these late night phone conversations and voice mails is a little strange. You shouldnt cry over it....you should be rejoicing. They dont seem like wise choices for you at this time. When I decided I wanted sobriety and sat down with all my party friends.....they knew I knew they hadnt chosen the path I had,,,,and I said goodbye...to most of them...a lot of them are now dead...I still feel you have way to much drama....I just felt led to share with you that sometimes we set ourselves up for a reason to fail....sometimes it even happens inside from our old patterns weve lived so long on levels we dont even see...there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors...do the steps,find a sponser and pursue sobriety with all your heart....is my advice for what its worth....Steve

Don S

Hi, Stacey!
Going backward through your posts (my evenings have been filled with teenagers the last couple of days)....

Steve has some great advice (Stop the presses! Don and Steve agree!). Well, I don't know about rejoicing about the distance that's forming between you and your old friends, but they aren't a real healthy part of your life right now. You have grown into a stronger person and you have made a big change in your life, and that creates distance. I'd avoid getting pulled back into that emotional vortex. I cringe every time you write about calling or emailing them (or at least Neil), because I remember what you went through before.

It really can be a way of setting yourself up--not necessarily for a lapse, but for more self-doubt and more anxiety. Recognizing the triggers that used to lead to drinking, and continuing to plan for them, is really important. Especially when you mention that you came really close to drinking last night.

Your sobriety doesn't depend on going to meetings, or even doing the steps or getting a sponsor (though those may be very helpful). Those are things that support your decision not to drink. Whatever motivated you to make that decision is still valid. Your belief that drinking won't help any of the stresses in your life is still true. When you ask yourself "well, what the hell...why not?"--what is your answer? You obviously have one--you've been sober for four months!

Going to meetings can give you emotional support and perhaps lead to some new friendships. Getting a sponsor can provide you with someone to call when you come close to choosing to drink. Doing the steps can, I assume, help you get to the basis of why you chose to drink in the first place. All of that can firmly reinforce our decision, and can help you avoid settling back into those old patterns steve is talking about.

As for your fight with Dave--I can understand your frustration, though I suspect he felt a little blindsided by your reaction. I'm definitely not an expert on this stuff, but anger usually comes from three basic causes:
--frustration;
--powerlessness (a feeling that we aren't in control of events or the actions of others);
--embarrassment or humiliation.
Once you recognize that you are getting angry, identify the cause, and have a chance to express how you feel about that without harming the other person, your anger tends to pass. If not, a time out isn't a bad plan until you calm down, and that's exactly what you did.
That's all part of the process of living with someone. If you don't get a chance to remove the anger or express the feeling, you tend to get into back-and-forth resentments and passive-aggressive stuff. He didn't know something was important to you (bet he does now!), so he seemed thoughtless. There's nothing wrong with your reaction, though I don't know how you expressed it to him.

But it can all add to a general feeling that things aren't fair, that everyone is inconsiderate, that everything is adding up to a 'bad' day. I'm actually more concerned that you think your reaction was abnormal than I am that it happened! If you overreacted, that may be worth an apology--I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. The kind of irritation you felt, though, is normal and common. Recognizing the spark of anger before it ignites, and learning to work through it, is going to be very important to both of you.

And none of it is worth harming yourself over, either by cutting yourself or by drinking. In my opinion, those are both things you've done in the past when you didn't value your self highly. Continuing to court rejection by sending mixed signals to men who were attracted to you when you were vulnerable is asking for disappointment. Why bother with that?

Talk to you soon...
Don S

Csmcjewl

Good advice Don!
I actually got an e-mail from Neil today that kinda made me laugh actually. Remember me mentioning that my last letter to him was saying...we're in different places right now, so...e-mail me when you get things figured out....pretty much? Well, his first sentace was "i'm sorry you felt upset by my lack of contact". I had to laugh....he is so blind. The only difference is it doesn't hurt me anymore.

Yeah, I guess my anger yesterday....it felt abnormal because at first I couldn't pinpoint exactly Why I was upset or why I was SO upset ya know? It's frusterating to be upset but it's even more frusterating to not even know Why exactly you're upset!
I did apoligize and tonight we spent some time together so...things are ok now. I told him I flew off the handle and most of it was probrably coming from stress at work. I had the 1st shifter who is manipulative try and "set up" Don and I the other night. It was just plain mean. She acted all paniced that this guy owed us money for the night and called to leave a message on his phone. Well, later when we hadn't heard from the guy she called and told me to boot the door, which I did. Booting just basically means putting a lock over it so they can't get into the room to their stuff without coming to the front desk. Well, later she called back all "worried" about this room and why they hadn't come down. I was like..."why does she care?" She's not on the clock, she doesn't work tomarrow...this has Nothing to do with her! Well, later we realized that there was a credit card holding the rest of the money for the room so, there wasn't actually any problem at all! So, I went and took off the boot real quick. I didn't think anything of it, I just figured she had made a mistake right? Well, apparently on 1st shift there is a report they print up for that exact purpose and because that room had already said there was a credit card on it, it wouldn't have been on the list. So, that coins it right there that she picked this room to "trick" us on it and we blindly trusted her that she knew what she was doing and booted the door. Well, luckly for us, I'm friends with the other 3rd shifter who could see right through her and wrote to the manager and explained the entire situation, that there was No reason she would've even had that room up under any logical situation. So, the manager talked to Don and I tonight and heard "our side". Tomarrow he's going to talk to her and then I get to face her tomarrow at 2:45 when I go in. See what I get to deal with at work?? I know that was a great drawn out example but this is the kind of stuff I get to deal with with my co-workers...and there's like 3 of those people like that that work there! I need a new job.
Here's my other issue today...I know I'm ranting, just bear with me for a minute. I told my manager I was thinking of taking a class this summer (actually, I'm already signed up) and his response was "I'll either work around it or I'll replace you." His words...isn't that rude? Am I out of line to feel offended by that? Sigh....he gave me this...I'm giving you time off for your wedding, how Dare you ask for more time. For School!!! I told him I wanted to pursue optometry but he didn't seem to care. I was so close to just walking out the front door ya know? I really wanted to. The funny thing is...he hired me while I was still full time in school!!! He seemed really friendly and willing to work with my schedule and now that I'm graduated I'm like...under lock and key behind the bars at the hotel ya know?
Ok...there is my rant....you are right though Don, I need to just not let it get to me. And I am trying, I promise....Red Wings in hockey finals have really helped at work. (Go Red Wings!) But,.....I am looking foward to getting back to the meetings. You put it exactly how I feel though ya know? The meetings aren't what make me sober, sometimes I forget that. I feel like if I can't make it to a meeting, I'm going to drink or something...that shouldn't be the case.
Sigh...I will say again though that Shane was never a part of my drinking life...he was nothing more than a good friend that always offered me advice. I mean, this goes back to before I drank. He was always "that guy" ya know? The guy that was always there, even at 4am when I just wanted to talk because I was up with cramps. He was that guy...he really felt like my best friend for a long time. To know the truth behind his motivations after 7 years is still shocking to me. I held him so close as a friend to me, it's like...betrayal to have him gone almost ya know? I mean, I have a card he gave me before he moved 5 years ago that I carried with me until the day of my graduation and I had it on me when I crossed the stage because he gave me courage and hope to continue. He was always pushing me in the right direction, he was the first to hang up on me when I called him drunk and the first one to call me early in the morning when I was hungover just because "I deserved it". Yeah...he was a great friend, I just wish that's what I was to him. I guess I shouldn't be so surprized, I mean....any idiot could've seen he had feelings for me. I just always kinda ignored it because I wanted/needed his friendship more. I used his attraction for me to my advantage and did things to him no "friend" should've. (walked in while he was trying to lose his virginity to Dave's drunk sister and stopped him because I felt he should love the person he lost it to.) Stuff like that. I left him flowers in his mailbox on valentines day. I always told him I loved him...but I guess he was always taking it differently than I meant it. I suppose it's my own fault I was so blind to see what messages he was getting as opposed to what I meant to be giving.
Anyways, only 1 more day of work...I can't wait till it's over. I've been keeping myself busy with the wedding stuff...reservations and all of that. It's been busy. I hope it all works out.
Anyways, i'm going to head to bed...its late...thanks for the words of advice Don...I needed to hear that tonight.
Thanks for letting me rant...
Stacey

Csmcjewl

As a side note....I think I have been getting kinda away from what "got" me sober in the first place. That whole Dec/Jan/Feb period. Then at work, and don't laugh but I watched "The Real World" on MTV and there was a girl on there that was cutting herself and I just identified with her to the point it almost put me back there sorta ya know? It's like, hearing here talk brought all those feelings back.
I kinda had a talk with Dave about it later about how I know that my coping mechanisms are drinking and cutting. I'm scared that if/when I'm under another period of high stress like that, that even if I'm not drinking...what if I resort to cutting? I'd like to think I wouldn't since I haven't since Feb 3rd but still, it's like once that barrier has been broken, who's to say I wouldn't again? Ya know, once you've tried pot once, why not do it again? That mentality. It just kinda made me think and honestly....I really don't know that I wouldn't. I'd like to think no, but...I wouldn't bet on that. I still have scars from Dec 9th that I actually look at every single day because at work they are glaring under those florescent lights. I sometimes catch others glancing at my arm and I just pray they didn't see what they might think they saw ya know? Most are really light that you can't see unless you know what you're looking for...at least that's what I'd like to believe since I see them all the time. There is only one that's pretty obvious but it just looks like a knife cut like I dropped it or something.
So...yeah, I guess that kinda triggared some "out of sort" feelings yesterday too...
Stacey

Csmcjewl

I MADE IT!!! 8 Days of work are over! What did I learn in those 8 days?? That I need a new job or I'm going to go crazy!!! But, at least I can get back to my meetings because the next 2 days are mine, mine, all mine! Thank goodness....I need them.
Life is ok again.....now I can start focusing back on recovery instead of just hanging onto sobriety by a thread...it's been a rough 8 days....
Stacey

Don S

Hi, Stacey,
"...I know that my coping mechanisms are drinking and cutting. I'm scared that if/when I'm under another period of high stress like that, that even if I'm not drinking...what if I resort to cutting?"
Well, they were your coping mechanisms. They aren't any more. What has replaced them? You've certainly had stress in the last four months (four months!), and you haven't returned to that behavior. Rationally you know that it is harmful, but something more than that is helping you deal with those stresses. It's one thing to consider the hypothetical possibility, but don't obsess about it.
Everybody has some fear of losing control over their behavior. You have successfully de-linked drinking from stress in your life: you no longer use that to cope. I think it was pretty clear that your other unhealthy, self-harming behaviors were part of an extreme pattern of self-abuse that you got into when you were drinking.

Most people who abuse alcohol find that their rational processes get worse and worse with each subsequent drink. That affects the ability to stop drinking; folks on this forum have mentioned the first or second or third drink as being the point at which they lose control and spiral downward. Some people describe a process where they go all out when they start drinking: once they give themselves permission to drink at all, there's no stopping them. Many people do things they didn't 'mean' to do, or damage relationships, or act out in very harmful ways, when they've impaired their rational processes.

So I think it's pretty clear: if you just don't drink, the chances of you resorting to cutting yourself are nil.

People who succeed at long-term sobriety plan and practice for urges, and the same can be said for any type of compulsive behavior. Plan for future stress, and how you're going to deal with it. When people say 'bad things happen when I drink' they are reinforcing why they choose not to drink. It's not inevitable; perhaps it's more accurate to say 'bad things have happened when I've drunk'. But it isn't a bad motto to repeat. Not drinking is part of your plan for avoiding harmful, compulsive behavior.

Having people who care about you and who you can turn to when those feelings are kindled is very helpful. Of course, your life partner can be a source of stress at times, so it's not a bad idea to have a backup (like journaling, or posting here, or a group of peers).

But a lot of it is just being reactive, rating everything that happens as good or bad, and feeling as though all the stuff that happens is additive. When we do that, some days 'add up' good and others bad. People and things control how our day goes, and how we feel. Instead, try....
'I'm not going to let this bother me.'
'That person isn't going to take up space in my head.'
'She can't make her attitude contagious.'
'What's the worst that can happen? And if the worst happens, how bad is it really?'
'This situation is difficult to tolerate, but I can stand it.'

You said "I need a new job." Actually the best time to look for a new job is when you don't need one yet. That way you have the luxury of considering your options while you still have a paycheck. There's no reason to take your boss' comments personally about working around it or replacing you. As an employer I make every effort to accommodate my employee's schedules, but he gave you a realistic answer. You're getting married in a few weeks and taking some time off. This would be an excellent time to talk to a few other businesses on your day off to see if they need some part time summer help. An applicant who's been around before and follows up always has a better chance of getting the job: it shows initiative and organization.

Finally, there's no reason to assume that your friend's motives were always romantic or sexual. Those things change in opposite-sex friendships. He was a good friend, and he might well be again in the future. Just probably not the near future.

Ranting is what these forums are for!
Take care,
Don S

Ninerfan

hello Stacey, I just came back on the boards and boy do we have some changes here. I haven't read all the posts but think you are concerned about cutting and drinking? I can't speack to cutting but the fear of going back to drinking stayed with me for several years. And I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. Over time the fear will go away if you get your house in order. Your emotional house. Have you gotten a sponsor yet? That is the person who could help you so much. If not then just keep looking and going to meetings. You've got four months and thats great, so obviously you have made a comittment to sobriety. We have a newcomer on the boards but not to sobriety who needs to talk to someone about a wedding. Think you can help? Her name is Lisa and the thread is 'Upcoming wedding...(mine)'

Csmcjewl

Well,
I am going to Vegas to avoid the pressures from family to drink at the reception so, i don't know how big a help I will be but, I will check it out. I just noticed her thread this morning.....
Yeah, I have a sponser, that was one of the last posts I made before the crash was when I talked to her and told her I was working on the 2nd step and she said, when i get it done get ahold of her for the third step, we'd have that done in about an hour and she'd give me the "paperwork" for the 4th. (Am I applying for a drivers license?)
I was unsure if this is really the kind of person I really want for a sponser ya know? Do I want someone that just kinda wham bams me through the steps? I was unsure but...I don't know. I'm not sure on the 3rd step I want her like forcing me to pray or something either. I don't feel comfortable with any kind of force on anything.
Anyways, yeah...I guess I do...I just rarly see her.
Stacey