Pancreas

Stacey,

Don't let anybody force you into a specific time fame for step work if you are not ready or feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it is good for sobriety to stand back and take it all in, reflect on your progress then set up some goals you can live with.

For some reason my firewall wont let me attach but if you email me I could send you an excel file that you can use at your own pace that will help keep you focused without external distractions.

Csmcjewl

Wow, it felt absolutly heavenly to get back to a "normal" meeting tonight. It was wonderful. Nothing in the world could've changed that. Jennie came over beforehand and she was all like willing to not go to her Na meeting if I didn't go to AA but I told her if I was missing the meeting toamrrow night to watch hockey playoffs, the least I could do is go tonight. As you guys know...I really relaly really wanted to go so...I knew I was going no matter what. So, she left for her meeting and I went to the library, which was nice. I had books on LA and Vegas to return anyways. I bought LA and disneyland for dummies on Amazon so...I'm going to rely on that for the rest of my info. Anyways, so I found a cool book that looks really good so...I was excited about that. I used to be a real book nerd back n' jr. high n' high school. But that was mostly because I was always escaping the reality that was my life. I replaced books with alcohol when I got older so...it feels really good to get back to reading. But, not to the extreme that I used to. But, then I went to the meeting and I talked to so many people, it was just great. The only thing that kept bugging me through the meeting was that Jeff wasn't there. Well, right at the ending when everyone holds hands he walks in just for that. I couldn't stop this big cheesy grin of relief that he hadn't actually gone back out and said the prayer. Well, once outside, Jennie met me back there and Jeff immediatly came up and gave me this huge hug. I was like, Where have you been? He's like..I've been here and you've been on overtime, it's good to have ya back at meetings again! Then this guy Mike that I used to talk to..he works in the emergency room at a hospital about 30 miles from here, well...I've been trying to make it a point to talk to him but it was almost like he was avoiding me because last summer he stayed after one of the morning meetings and talked to me for like 2 1/2 hours and I didn't listen, I kept drinking. Well, I just wanted to tell him that I was sober. I wanted him to know that because I felt that he was "avoiding" me like...youngster, see what I get for trying to help her. So, I made it a point to talk to him about optometry and told him I had 4 months now. He asked me how I did it. I was kinda shocked for a minute like...oh crap...he wants to know how I did it. I gave the normal cheese answer which was about half truth and left all the pain and suffering out. If he really wanted to know, he'll just have to ask in a more private place. Something tells me he won't and I don't want to go through it so...yeah, but I got my first hug from him in months and months. That was cool. Then I came home and worked out, something I haven't done in quite awhile and now I'm eating really healthy. So, it's just been a really good day overall. I'm glad to have a day off and even more glad to have gone to a meeting tonight. Thanks everyone...I told people at the meeting about this place. This guy was questioning why I don't like to public speak at the meetings and telling me how important it was and I told him, it's not like I don't get any release and told him about the boards here. He said he'd come check it out. So...yeah...that was my day. Things are ok....just for today right?
Stacey

Don S

"...This guy was questioning why I don't like to public speak at the meetings and telling me how important it was...."

Why would it be important that you speak in public at the meetings? Someone here will need to fill me in on that. Public speaking is one of the number one fears people have! I can imagine lots of people fleeing for the exits and never returning if they have to face that. Oh, well.
What a great post!
Your friends are going to find an eclectic bunch here....
Don S

Csmcjewl

Wow...it's been a whole day and I just woke up still happy about yesterday. I think I'm most happy that Jeff showed up. I realized sitting through the meeting that it would've been ok if he went back out and didn't show up anymore. But when I saw him it just gave me hope ya know? It made me feel alot better. I really look up to him a lot and when I'm already kinda at a low point, I'd just hate to see the effect if one of my favorite people went back out. I know it shouldn't effect me at all but...it does a little. Not that it would make me drink but....it would certainly not have a positive effect on me anyways.
But, Red Wings tonight...stupid me has us going to a sports bar. Me, Jennie and my mom! I'm going to meet my parents right now. I haven't seen them outside work in months now! I made the agreement to go to the bar because it's about the game, not about the drinking. I think I'll be ok and if I'm not, I'll leave. That's just how simple it is. The last time I was at this bar on playoffs it was 2 years ago with Neil and Jennie. We went from the sports bar after the Red wings won around the corner to the dance club where I proceeded to drink until I vomited into my piture and literally filled it back up with vomit. It was really gross. I'm glad I remember that instance.
Anwyays, so...tonight is going to be differnet. I'm a little nervous just because I haven't been in a real bar since I got sober but....we'll see how it works out.
Stacey

Ninerfan

"I'll be ok and if I'm not, I'll leave."

Smart....

Don S

Absolutely. What I like is the matter-of-fact way you said that, Stacey. No big deal; no obsessing. Planning for those situations is becoming second nature.
Cool.
Don

Csmcjewl

Hey,
Thanks a ton for the words of encouragment. You guys help me so much. I actually had a pretty rough time during the first part of that trip. It ended up just my mom and me, which was pretty cool. I haven't hung out with my mom in ages. Since I used to drag her to the bar with me I think. She's the real impressionable sort that will do just about anything I do so...whatever we do is fine with her. Anyways, we got in there and ya know...just the sights and the sounds really started to bother me. Honestly, the worst was the glasses. I saw the glasses that I used to drink out of and I saw them everywhere filled with beer and my mind just started to race. I started to feel like a deer caught in headlights ya know? Well, we were standing around and I was like....hrm, I should get a water. I told my mom, feel free to try something and suggested the Woodchuck on Tap. Probrably not the smartest thing I could've done because that's what I used to get. In fact, that's what I drank 2 years before at the stanley cup finals. So, my mom got a woodchuck and I got a water. I made my mom ask, i didn't trust myself to talk to a bartender. I may have been pushing my limits but I'm not that cocky. So...once we sat down and got watching the game, things were ok. I reached over and smelled my mom's glass but it was wierd cause all I could smell was my vomit from years back. hehe...is that wierd? I didn't want to drink at all but I was still fighting a compulsion to drink, does that make any sense? Well, once the end of the 1st period came around it was getting better. By the 3rd I'd all but forgotten and I was already giving myself justifications why Not to drink (ex. there's not enough time to get drunk now anyways...etc.)
So...all in all it went ok. I'm not going to get cocky and think i can do that all the time but, I think things went alright overall. I didn't drink a drop of anything besides water. Man, did I drink a lot of that though!! There were a few instances that I wished for a ciggarette but my mom was there and she doesn't know I've ever smoked so...that was out of the question. I used to smoke occasionally when I drank but I figured I was better off without it anyways cause it was just one step closer to a beer.
Anyways, the Wings won...which is cool. The next game is Sat at 3pm and we're going to a resterant so...things should be ok.
Thanks a ton for all the help though, there was a moment when I wasn't doing so well when we first got there I thought about what you guys had said and I was filled with this like...they believe in me feeling and it gave me a lot of courage. I was also standing outside the bathrooms waiting for my mom saying the serenity prayer over and over in my head...that also helped.
Yeah, I'm not going to try this again anytime soon but, I'm glad for the courage to be able to in a special circumstance.
Stacey

Me2

I think thats foolish and unwise....steve

Csmcjewl

What do you mean steve? You may need to be abit more specific. I don't see where there was a Huge problem with it, it's not like I'm going to do it everyday or anything....?
Anyways, I went to the meeting tonight with Jennie and her "friend" Lorin. Here's the funny thing right, she cancels with me yesterday and says her dad is back in the hospital so she's going to stick around home. At the same time, she got paid a day early so...she's got money to burn. Well, then today we're at the coffee house and she shows me that she's got pot. Then tonight, she's all playing it up like she's sober. In face, after the meeting this older guy was talking to me and asking about my sponser and I said...ya know...it's this chick but she's really busy...it's alright though. He kinda nods toward Jennie and I'm like...nonono. In my head I'm like...wow, she must really have people fooled!! Whatever...ya know? It aggrivates me to know she's lying to them but...at the same time I don't want to be involved so I just let her do her own thing.
I did get to talk to Jeff tonight though, which was pretty cool. It's good to see he's going alright, I've made it known at the meetings I think he's like the coolest guy in the world. hehe....But, yeah...Jessica (the maybe lesbian Jennie hangs with) was talking about playing cards with the Scott older guy I was talking to and Jeff n' them. Like, all these people go over to this Scott guys house and I've never heard a word of it before. I really need to start talking more.
Anyways, I gotta head to work...3rds tonight. Gaggagag. I hate that place.
Stacey