Sponsor fired me today....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 346
Sponsor fired me today....
.....and you know what? I'm actually really grateful for her honesty and was surprised at what came from me in response.
If I look back at the last 4 months, there are some things that have been niggling;
-I dreaded calling her daily; it really felt like a chore and any small achievements I felt I had made seemed to be negated/dismissed. Today, i'd said to her that I was finally starting to see the extent of just how unmanageable my life is. That the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result; this doesn't just apply to drinking, but handing things over to my HP and then snatching a few things back (upcoming move, course, etc) was IMO, no way different. There was so much relief in that moment this morning. I didn't get much in response to that.
-Her experience is vastly different in several ways. The fact that I am still taking an rx medication has been a huge barrier.
-I didn't feel like I could be completely honest with her. The most bleeding obvious thing was like the "new" elephant in the room.
-My impression of her is that she is still incredibly anxious and overly-emotional. That's her and that's OK. But it is not the kind of sobriety I either want or need.
At the end of the day, her opinion is borne of her experience. I was momentarily gripped with fear when she'd said things like "You're still intellectualising everything. I'm not comfortable with your step 1. I don't get the impression you're treating this as a life-or-death matter."
The kicker?
"I don't hear that desperation that I had when I first came to the rooms"
It felt like the constant internalised theme of "you're good-but you're not good enough" had taken on a new manifestation; "you're sick-but you're not sick enough".
I thanked her for her honesty, because it really hadn't even occurred to me that maybe, just maybe-this wasn't working. I also fully acknowledge how this could be harmful to her recovery.
I called another member (whom I trust implicitly) and left a teary voicemail asking her to call me back straight after the conversation. I just got off the phone after an hour and a half and I just wanted to report that I feel at peace, this was definitely my HP working and i'm sitting here thinking, everything will be OK.
The difference? Not just thinking, knowing & believing.
xx
If I look back at the last 4 months, there are some things that have been niggling;
-I dreaded calling her daily; it really felt like a chore and any small achievements I felt I had made seemed to be negated/dismissed. Today, i'd said to her that I was finally starting to see the extent of just how unmanageable my life is. That the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result; this doesn't just apply to drinking, but handing things over to my HP and then snatching a few things back (upcoming move, course, etc) was IMO, no way different. There was so much relief in that moment this morning. I didn't get much in response to that.
-Her experience is vastly different in several ways. The fact that I am still taking an rx medication has been a huge barrier.
-I didn't feel like I could be completely honest with her. The most bleeding obvious thing was like the "new" elephant in the room.
-My impression of her is that she is still incredibly anxious and overly-emotional. That's her and that's OK. But it is not the kind of sobriety I either want or need.
At the end of the day, her opinion is borne of her experience. I was momentarily gripped with fear when she'd said things like "You're still intellectualising everything. I'm not comfortable with your step 1. I don't get the impression you're treating this as a life-or-death matter."
The kicker?
"I don't hear that desperation that I had when I first came to the rooms"
It felt like the constant internalised theme of "you're good-but you're not good enough" had taken on a new manifestation; "you're sick-but you're not sick enough".
I thanked her for her honesty, because it really hadn't even occurred to me that maybe, just maybe-this wasn't working. I also fully acknowledge how this could be harmful to her recovery.
I called another member (whom I trust implicitly) and left a teary voicemail asking her to call me back straight after the conversation. I just got off the phone after an hour and a half and I just wanted to report that I feel at peace, this was definitely my HP working and i'm sitting here thinking, everything will be OK.
The difference? Not just thinking, knowing & believing.
xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I'm a firm believer that nothing happens in God's world by mistake. There were also a few lines in How it Works that really stood out for me.....Besides...Rarely have we seen....
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Half measures availed us nothing.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Half measures availed us nothing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
I don't get this "firing" of sponsees. My relationship with my sponsees does not depend on them meeting my expectations. If I enter the relationship with any expectations I am harming the relationship from the beginning. I need to clear that up myself before i hurt some one else.
If one of my sponsees fired one of their sponsees i would rip into them like a monkey on a cupcake.
If one of my sponsees fired one of their sponsees i would rip into them like a monkey on a cupcake.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Philadelphia, Pa..Kensington
Posts: 85
She Donald Trumped ya? From what you're saying, she wasn't the sponsor for you anyway. You were already comparing your sobriety to hers, and you didn't want what she had. You'll get another sponsor there's always somebody willing to help, just chose one you feel you'll get the most benefit out of.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Putting aside the idea of AA sponsorship....
It's my expereince and observation that not all relationships are forever
nor do they have to be.
AA sponsorship is based on being a mentor for Step work
not necessarily anything else.
Plese read the official AA guideline on sponsorship...many meetings have
it on the free literature rac....and it's on line too.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
All my best as you continue to move forward..
It's my expereince and observation that not all relationships are forever
nor do they have to be.
AA sponsorship is based on being a mentor for Step work
not necessarily anything else.
Plese read the official AA guideline on sponsorship...many meetings have
it on the free literature rac....and it's on line too.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
All my best as you continue to move forward..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 346
Thank you everyone
Sapling-some of those lines from the BB were going through my head after the phone call-it's not only a matter of being honest with my sponsor (whomever that may be at any given time), but in her making that move it allowed me to be honest with myself about my reality and that particular relationship. That, I believe is where the gratitude largely stems from. I couldn't be honest with myself because I was quite fixated on saying the "right" thing, wanting to please her and not staying true to myself; there was a niggling something, but a total lack of awareness. Couldn't see the forest for the trees
CarolD-So true! Thanks for the link <3
RobC420-I actually just called her and asked if that was a possibility......she said it would be her pleasure Temporary for the minute, but we'll see what unfolds It's an absolute privilege to have this woman in my life & it's been that way from the word "go"
Sapling-some of those lines from the BB were going through my head after the phone call-it's not only a matter of being honest with my sponsor (whomever that may be at any given time), but in her making that move it allowed me to be honest with myself about my reality and that particular relationship. That, I believe is where the gratitude largely stems from. I couldn't be honest with myself because I was quite fixated on saying the "right" thing, wanting to please her and not staying true to myself; there was a niggling something, but a total lack of awareness. Couldn't see the forest for the trees
CarolD-So true! Thanks for the link <3
RobC420-I actually just called her and asked if that was a possibility......she said it would be her pleasure
Temporary for the minute, but we'll see what unfolds It's an absolute privilege to have this woman in my life & it's been that way from the word "go" Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Quinne 
Thank you everyone
Sapling-some of those lines from the BB were going through my head after the phone call-it's not only a matter of being honest with my sponsor (whomever that may be at any given time), but in her making that move it allowed me to be honest with myself about my reality and that particular relationship. That, I believe is where the gratitude largely stems from. I couldn't be honest with myself because I was quite fixated on saying the "right" thing, wanting to please her and not staying true to myself; there was a niggling something, but a total lack of awareness. Couldn't see the forest for the trees
CarolD-So true! Thanks for the link <3
RobC420-I actually just called her and asked if that was a possibility......she said it would be her pleasure Temporary for the minute, but we'll see what unfolds It's an absolute privilege to have this woman in my life & it's been that way from the word "go"
Sapling-some of those lines from the BB were going through my head after the phone call-it's not only a matter of being honest with my sponsor (whomever that may be at any given time), but in her making that move it allowed me to be honest with myself about my reality and that particular relationship. That, I believe is where the gratitude largely stems from. I couldn't be honest with myself because I was quite fixated on saying the "right" thing, wanting to please her and not staying true to myself; there was a niggling something, but a total lack of awareness. Couldn't see the forest for the trees
CarolD-So true! Thanks for the link <3
RobC420-I actually just called her and asked if that was a possibility......she said it would be her pleasure
Temporary for the minute, but we'll see what unfolds It's an absolute privilege to have this woman in my life & it's been that way from the word "go" Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 19
AA is a spiritual/religious programme and is more about finding God than quitting drinking. In my opinion it's not really for real alcoholics and that if you just want to quit drinking perhaps you're best finding another programme that suits your needs. Remember it is most certainly not an professional organisation.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Originally Posted by makeabigplan
AA is a spiritual/religious programme and is more about finding God than quitting drinking. In my opinion it's not really for real alcoholics and that if you just want to quit drinking perhaps you're best finding another programme that suits your needs. Remember it is most certainly not an professional organisation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by mfanch
Everyone has "opinions", but the BB clearly states that its program is for REAL alcoholics. And THANK GOODNESS it is not a professional organization. This atheist has a higher power (that I call "not me") and the obsession to drink and use drugs has been lifted. If that is "spiritual/religious", then so be it. The BB states that all I have to do is be willing to seek something "not us", and so I have. I get the gift of sobriety for doing so.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
I am a spiritual person, not a "religious" person. I don't have all the answers for myself and definitely not everyone else. I am trying to take my sobriety one day at a time, this time around. One thing I have in common with other alcoholics seems to be I drink even though I know it hurts me. I don't want to do that anymore. I am tired of fighting, I put down my excuses/rationalizations. I just want to listen with an open mind, take what helps me, understanding each of us will find our own way when we are truly ready. I so hope we can continue to work together to achieve sobriety, respecting our different approaches to sobriety. Best wishes to all who still struggle.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by makeabigplan
AA is a spiritual/religious programme and is more about finding God than quitting drinking. In my opinion it's not really for real alcoholics and that if you just want to quit drinking perhaps you're best finding another programme that suits your needs. Remember it is most certainly not an professional organisation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by makeabigplan
AA is a spiritual/religious programme and is more about finding God than quitting drinking. In my opinion it's not really for real alcoholics and that if you just want to quit drinking perhaps you're best finding another programme that suits your needs. Remember it is most certainly not an professional organisation.
Son, would you stick to your own experience please? You have no idea what your talking about, your liable to get somebody hurt.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I never liked the term 'fired'.
I have stopped working with a sponsee before though. She wasn't interested in any of my suggestions, she argued about everything, she wasn't honest, she was annoyed that I referred to the big book so often .... it was quite obvious to me we were not a good match. It got to the point that it was effecting my serenity. I couldn't keep having the same conversations over and over again ... huh, insanity. It was time to end the sponsor/sponsee relationship.
Quinne -- I still often, have moments where I'm surprised at my reaction. It's a pretty cool feeling.
I have stopped working with a sponsee before though. She wasn't interested in any of my suggestions, she argued about everything, she wasn't honest, she was annoyed that I referred to the big book so often .... it was quite obvious to me we were not a good match. It got to the point that it was effecting my serenity. I couldn't keep having the same conversations over and over again ... huh, insanity. It was time to end the sponsor/sponsee relationship.
Quinne -- I still often, have moments where I'm surprised at my reaction. It's a pretty cool feeling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
If you have a sponsor offering her help, than you are very lucky.
That doesn't mean that you need to committ to her help entirely, but you are fortunate to have her offering her help.
If it is not working, then move on. It is best for the both of you.
It's all good. There is no reason to talk down about anyone.
That doesn't mean that you need to committ to her help entirely, but you are fortunate to have her offering her help.
If it is not working, then move on. It is best for the both of you.
It's all good. There is no reason to talk down about anyone.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by Quinne
-My impression of her is that she is still incredibly anxious and overly-emotional. That's her and that's OK. But it is not the kind of sobriety I either want or need.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
I have had to let a few sponsees go, some came to a head, others just slowly drifted away. I make sure to let those that have drifted know that I'm still there for them when they are ready if I see them. I always remind myself that as a sponsor I am here to take folks through the steps and to help them to understand the program as it was shown to me. I am not responsible for their decisions in life, or their ability to stay sober.
Last year at this time I had 4 sponsees. Now I have one. All up to God how things turned out. Now my life is so busy with work and school, I firmly believe God was cutting me some slack.
I have also switched sponsors. Just what I needed at the time, doesn't make the one I dropped at fault. Comes down to this, if you aren't getting what you need, find someone else to help you get it.
Last year at this time I had 4 sponsees. Now I have one. All up to God how things turned out. Now my life is so busy with work and school, I firmly believe God was cutting me some slack.
I have also switched sponsors. Just what I needed at the time, doesn't make the one I dropped at fault. Comes down to this, if you aren't getting what you need, find someone else to help you get it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
