LifeBlows

Today will be 90 days sober. I cannot believe that I've been able to go this long without a drink but for some reason I desperately want to drink right now. I actually did a mid term without studying yesterday because I just couldn't be bothered to study. I noticed that over the last couple of weeks I've slowly been letting go of the things that I believe have been keeping me sober: coming on SR, journaling, going to the gym and eating healthy. I've been bingeing on food which was another one of the ways that I used to act out. The food doesn't do for me what it used to. Fast food doesn't even taste as good as I remember it. Intellectually I know that this probably applies to alcohol as well. i.e. that if I relapse its not going to be awesome the way that I imagine it. That its going to be a waste of time, money, calories and sobriety. I know this but I still want to try.
On the other hand and I think I've mentioned this before is that I truly want to be able to look back in September of next year and see that I have made progress, with my weight, with my sobriety, with my finances and employment.
I know what happens: I drink - things get unbearably bad i.e. no money, no job, no place to go, self loathing etc etc and then I decide to put some effort into turning things around. Then when things are going okay I feel like its safe to start drinking again.
I know that if I start to drink in about 2-3 weeks everything will have gone to hell. The classes that I'm taking are too demanding for me to be able to study and drink at the same time.
I cannot afford my medications right now. My psychiatrist told me that I have a serious problem with anxiety and that when my anxiety is low, using my coping skills is enough to overcome that without using alcohol. When my anxiety is high then I tend to drink. I think that he is right. So today I called the corporate office to ask about employee benefits plans to see what kind of coverage I can get, but there was no answer and started researching private insurance. Private insurance unfortunately only seem to cover psychologists, not therapists which is what I want to see. I am already dreading going to work tomorrow. I hate my job with a passion. It sucks, but I plan to go to the employment center tomorrow and start looking up other companies that I can work for. I hate fast food and I want to have found an office job in the next 2 months. That's my goal for work. I just want to lie down and give up, but I know that if I do, I will hate myself in a few months when I look back and realize how close I was to getting what I wanted when I chucked it all in.

I hate fast food. I hated it back in university and hate myself for creating a situation where I had to go back to that. I hate my boss. I hate the uniform, the hair net, I hate the pay. I hate it all. But I plan to be a great employee until I can find my next job.

I hate myself for not living up the schedule I set for myself. I hate that I struggle so hard to do the things that I know keep me sober. Why is it so hard to go to the gym. I know its good for me. I know its going to help me correct my weight situation which makes me deeply unhappy. I should be stoked that I am able to afford the gym to begin with.

missingtheoldme

Oh life...how I hear you and how I relate. You have answered each and every one of your questions. You do not have a choice. You can not drink. And you will not. You are intelligent and know exactly where it will lead... no where. I know the need to drink..it can come out of no where and be so powerful that nothing else matters...but it does matter..all those things matter. If you lie down and give up you will A not have a job or B be stuck in fast food forever. I bet your uniform sucks and your boss and your hair net...all of it. But you have a job and you have your sobriety. Compared to what you had and where you could be you are ok. As for the weight...I totally understand that as well. It sucks..big time. Hitting the gym for me is like trying to lift a car but I am not sure why. We are worth it but somewhere we told ourselves we aren't. Start small...laugh at your uniform and your boss ( in your mind of course) laughter goes a long way. And dream, dream big...dreams bring us to happy places...places we can get to. But the only way to get there is free of chains and in our case alcohol. 90 days is a long time and I look up to you. Tomorrow will be 91 because I know you needed to vent and if you can go to bed. End day 90 early to be ready for 91. I have so much faith in you just from reading your post. I wish you the best today, tomorrow and in the future. hugs

doggonecarl

Congratulations on ninety days. You should be proud of your accomplishment. Don't feed the hate.

silly

LB, I know exactly how you feel. Things never work out on our schedule and it f**** sucks.
But you DO have hope in your "voice" even if you don't know it. Because you know what things can change and you're doing what it takes. Honestly, if you have to go to bed at 6pm just to get to tomorrow, do it. You might feel better with a whole new outlook. And don't kill yourself with expectations. If you're down right now, know what you HAVE to do and table the rest as optional. Sure the gym will help and I'm not saying never go but, sometimes we can stay home and recover in a different way. The watch-tv-don't-think kind of way. Eh, just my thoughts :-)

SASA

so how would drinking help you accomplish your goals. It would increase your hate and tomorrow you will be full of regret and ended up doing nothing useful to change your fate.

hypochondriac

Don't be so hard on yourself Lifeblows! 90 days is an amazing achievement! You should be concentrating on all the good things you have managed to do so far rather than the negatives. What are some of the good things you have noticed about being sober?

I was really tough on myself around 3 months too... but at that stage really I just had to keep plodding down the sober path and not worry so much about everything else. It really does get better from here x

Dan Dare

90 days is a great accomplishment. Congrats.
Tomorrow will be 2 weeks for me, something I don't remember doing since I began drinking.
I just concentrate on the moment...
It's scary to see how even after 90 days it still knocks on your minds door.
I wonder if it stays with you forever, those sudden moments of "rationalization" where you are seconds from taking that drink. Happens to me alot.

I look forward to the fitful sleeps I have been having, and how rested I feel when I wake up in the morning. That is one motivation.

Keep it going... you've come too far to start over. You'll feel all the better for it later, that is certain.

Peace!

Nevertheless

Congrats on 90 days. It really is a milestone.
I have seen others on here who say they don't keep tract of how long they have been sober. I damn sure keep tract myself. But they do have a point.
I remember I had a rough time at 90 days. And at 6 months I almost gave in. I pulled in the parking lot,and almost got out to walk in and buy beer. Both close calls were anniversaries.
It is nothing but addiction telling us somehow giving in will make things all better. Smoking was the same way for me. Stress =I need a cigarette. Or satisfy my addiction. Since the economy went to crap I also have job I don't like. But fortunately I have been sober long enough that trying to solve the situation with beer isn't even a thought. 3 years ago it would have been a whole different story.
What I am trying to say is hang in there. If you just don't take that first drink the day will come for you too. Where you will think back and wonder why you thought alcohol would cure or fix anything. It takes time,but you are well on your way if you just keep on keepin on.
Fred

TodayisGood

Congrats on 90 days. Keep strong!

LifeBlows

Good things:
- I have not missed a single class now that I'm sober.
- I've lost some weight, not as much as I need to but its finally going in the right direction.
- I'm in a much better space financially.
- I've not missed a single day of work.
- My boss says I'm a hard worker.

grateful101010

Awesome job on 90 days. Look how you've listed the good things you've accomplished in sobriety. You deserve all these things. Accept them.

RobbyRobot

90 days sober. Way awesome. Well done, LifeBlows.

You know, I'm very encouraged to see and hear you dealing with your feelings and ideas of hating this, that, and the other thing. Its really healthy to have you expressing yourself, and as well, you still understand how beneficial sobriety is to you and your dreams of being successful. Way to go!

Sorry a steady stream of funding is not yet a reality for your required meds. Thats a tough situation. As you progress, things will for sure unfold into better opportunities. Its great to hear you and your theapist are in agreement.

Don't worry to much about wanting to go back to using. Addiction ambivalence can take some time before it settles down and stops haunting us, and barking at us, to go back to using. No matter, you already know what is what, and so, just keep going, its gonna get better. I too would like you to enjoy looking back a year from now next September, and have all that awesome progress!!

Just push past all this addiction noise. Congrats on your 90 days!!

LifeBlows

i feel so depressed and so anxious. I feel just as anxious as if I had just stopped drinking. All I want to do is stay in bed and curl up into a ball and hide. i dont want to drink though. the thing is I remember feeling extremely anxious before I started drinking heavily. I'm signing up for health insurance tonight. I need that medication because I don't think that I will be able to handle work and school if I am feeling this anxious and depressed. I am having thoughts too of killing myself.

LifeBlows

Previously if I was feeling too anxious I would just call out of work. If I do that at this place I will get fired so I have to go. In a way that's a good thing. I just don't feel ready to go out and face the world. But if I stay, I'll have to focus on my anxiety. It wouldn't hurt to try and just do the opposite of how I normally handle this. Seriously guys, I feel the same level of anxiety that I did, the morning after I had my last drink.
One of the things I had promised myself when I got sober was that I would be a reliable employee. I'll be really disappointed in myself if I don't live up to that.

Dan Dare

You have to stay strong for yourself and the people that care. I lost my brother last year to suicide. Please just cast those thoughts out as NOT AN OPTION. Fight it - erase them. You have the miracle of now and you can persevere and things will get better.
Keep up good karma as it attracts good karma.
As bad as it seems, it is never that bad. You're alive, you have the power of choice. Taking your life leaves you with NO choice.
Get your meds, and see what tomorrow brings!
Hang in there friend!

MycoolFitz

I know it is hard but a minute is all I can do. Last night I wan't to go out and get a bottle ande thought I can or not and it felt powerful.

Live2Run25

I think at 90 days we are subconciously aware that this could REAL. We could actually STAY sober.. the little devil on our shoulder wants to sabotage it. You will get past these feelings. I had the same ones at 3 months and now i'm over 4 months. Don't give up. Nothing good will come from drinking.

RobbyRobot

Awesome to hear about the health insurance. I hope that provides a way forward for your required meds. You're a strong person, LifeBlows, even though we often feel our weaknesses at the worst possible times, its also when we are most likely to be discovering even deeper strengths within ourselves to deal with what is what.

How great to hear you don't want to drink, even though your anxiety is at historic highs. Give yourself a well earned hug

Sorry about the suicidal ideations. I've been there too. No fun. You know though, its just part of what is going on with the stresses without the meds, so, your doing what is right, and as you already know, emergency help is always there if you need it. You're a wonderfully brave person, LifeBlows.

bryangt

Life does blow at times....when I feel that way I reach down & try to be grateful for what there is that 'doesn't blow'....waking up sober, having people who love & support you, being able to walk, it's hard at times...but if you look around you can find the little things in life that you can be grateful for...like being alive! Congratz....on to 91

JimmyChoo

Wow, 90 days!

Hang in there.