Shoebox62

Hi all:
Still plugging away at sobriety after several unfortunate relapses. I'm in an intensive in-patient program now that is really opening my eyes to what's involved in REAL, long-term recovery. Going to my first AA meeting today at noon (wish me luck - I'm a bit nervous), so we'll see how that goes. Anyway, I'm writing because last year, when I was sober for 7 months, my wife claims i was a mean, nasty SOB towards the end of that period who was, in her mind, scary to live with. She claims that I was a "dry drunk" then. Has this occurred to any of you? What have you done to either overcome this or move past that point? I don't want to fall back into that behavior if I can help it, so any help would be appreciated.
Thanks all...

MycoolFitz

I wish you the best. Been there done that. Now I just get by the moment.

RobC420

I have been in a dry drunk state when I quit for 6 months on two separate occasions. Both times I was refusing to work a program of recovery and relapse was inevitable.

I've now been sober for 18 months and feeling great because this time I joined and have been working a program of recovery (AA).

shakeel

doing the steps with a sponsor changed a lot of the ways I used to behave. so to answer your question about how I stopped acting as a dry drunk is by doing the 12 steps of AA.

tomsteve

i was 2 years into recvoery when my sponsor and a few others said i was on a dry drunk. at the time, i said they were full of s**t. then a while later i was havin a pretty bad day. now, at that point of recovery, i had had the thought of a drink now and then, but this day i was done and goin to get a 12 pack. for some reason, i went to take a shower before heading to the store. in the shower, the insanity of a 12 pack hit me like a ton of bricks. everything sunk in while in the shower. i was on a dry drunk. i was goin to meetings, but other that that, i was acting and thinking just like i did when i drank.
i wasnt doing anything else to maintain and imporove my recovery. i got right back into action and began working the steps and practicing the principles. a few weeks later, i was able to see that the thought of that 12 pack had started a few months before the actual thought, hence a premeditated drunk.


what i do today is in the 1st 164 pages of the big book and remember this:

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Fandy

I think it's a terribly offensive term that people tend to use too often.
I don't practice any formal program.
i live my life grateful that i'm sober and healthy, not losing everything.
If someone wants to slap a label on me that is THEIR problem.

freshstart57

As a staunchly sober ex-alcoholic no-AA kinda guy, yep. I am also in denial apparently.

Hopeworks

I was in a 4 year relationship with an A and rode a roller coaster of sobriety, drinking, detox, sobriety, occasional authentic spiritual recovery, laurel sitting, bud, dry drunkenness, relapse, drinking, detox, rehab, sobriety etc, etc, etc, rinse and repeat for years.

The term "dry drunk" is very descriptive of a state of mind and behavior of the A when they truly are thinking and acting in a very similar way as when they were drinking. In my case, my A would be budding (building up to drink) and he would be extremely difficult, irritable, anxious because he was secretly dying for a drink.

It's not personal and no one is deliberately labeling you but for those of us who have loved or love an A it is a term that very clearly helps us to understand what is going on.

Fandy

Like I said above...I find it terribly offensive (and personally i consider it rude, but i don't let it bother me)....others find it helpful.

BruceJ

With respect to all...the term "dry drunk" fits me perfectly.
If I only remove the alcohol from my life...the only thing that's left is me with all the self-centeredness, resentments, and fear that alcohol treated. I am, as the book says, restless, irritable, and discontent.
Hats off to all who can just stop drinking and live a happy, productive, and selfless life.

ru12

Dry Drunk is a pejorative. It is used to harass/belittle someone that isn't following someone else's version of what they think AA should be. Take your own inventory and leave others be.

BruceJ

I couldn't agree more. I use the term to describe myself when I'm just dry but still full of the problems that I used alcohol to fix.
No one should use the term toward anyone else. I have my own inventory to take and if I find myself taking someone else's....I need to rethink things.

Fandy

stopping drinking does not make all your problems go away, it's not a magic quick fix. However, I can only speak for myself in that I deal with my problems differently. I don't get in a froth, i think things through, i look in a different direction for solutions. I'm much less emotional, snappish and even patient...(which not my strongest trait).

Booze tended to magnify issues for me...now i put things in perspective and in everyday life, i'm happier and less depressed because booze exacerbated all my issues.

I do practice Rule #62 and the attitude of gratitude daily..and remember the difference of looking at myself drunk and looking at myself sober.

2granddaughters

Sounds like you are on the path to growth and recovery.

You will feel right at home in AA in no time.

Recovery is a lifetime process (one day at a time) and life keeps getting better for those who are going through the process.

Welcome to the rooms !!

All the best.

Bob R

Justfor1

If someone called me a "dry drunk" I would consider it a compliment. It's better than be a "wet drunk" always relapsing & drunk on a bender with all the consequences. I still have negative consequences from my actions but there not the same as when I was drinking/drugging.

Veritas1

"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people"

We Agnostics, Alcoholics Anonymous

It was suggested to me that the above describes a dry drunk, or someone that is not drinking, yet still has an unmanageable life, and mainly for me, difficulty with personal relationships.

For me; it is about our behavior. Not drinking, yet still having trouble with behavior. How we treat others, how we act and react. To me, a dry drunk is when I am still hurting myself and others although not drinking. I am still causing harm. I am still making poor choices. I am still operating out of selfish motivations or from that lower level.

From what you wrote. What I hear is your wife saying...You are still upsetting me.

Maybe her expecations are high, and it takes time to have her see you are trying so she takes it easy on you.

Just keep doing the next right thing no matter what. Don't let this build into a resentment for you, as I once did when someone told me I was a dry drunk!

Someone told me that, and I went out and drank. I'll show her.

Bad choice.

!

Be encouraged!

onlythetruth

I've never been called a dry drunk by anyone who actually knows me!

Titanic

A "dry alcoholic" is a sober one that is a BUD, building up to drink (drug or substitute), unless he or she is working a recovery program diligently.

Thanks for inspiring in me the idea NOT to use the term "drunk" which is pejorative. Thanks also for the reminder not to use it with the A ... to keep on my side of the street. I do think it's okay to use the concept in meetings, talking with members, or in a descriptive sense when discussing alcoholism issues (as we do here on SR).

Peace all.

Slaytallideth

Just went to my first AA meeting this morning. It's not nearly as bad or scary as you'd think it would be. No ones judgemental and I'm very happy I went.

freshstart57

There is another option that you fail to recognize. One can be sober, not 'budding', and not 'working a recovery program diligently'. They are everywhere.