behindblueyes

I had a week shy of two months entirely sober. I hadent gone this long without a drink since pregnancy with my 7 year old. I lost all my friends but met what I thought was a great guy. He came over last night in a mood. His phone kept going off and he kept texting while we were watching a movie. My mom just had surgery and that was stressful and I just wanted to relax. He decided he wanted to just leave. No real reason. It started a fight.

I always kept alcohol around because I'm one of those if I'm going to do it ill find it people. He texted me arguing that we are not a cople and so on and something snapped. He said no more hanging out and that was it for me. I drank for X amount of hours and blacked out. I drunk texted him horrible things, emailed people on facebook and just went crazy.

It is 7pm and I am still in bed. I'm in an anxiety stricken hungover daze and have cried myself into dry heaving. I only got up once to see how many beer cans are in the trash (tenish). I tried explaining to the guy I don't have a problem but he's gone. How pathetic am I? I think I need to check into the psych ward or something. I'm pretty sure I was in love. Thoughts?

Veritas1

Well, maybe it's time to get up, and get yourself something healthy to eat. Take the garbage out.

We make a mess, we clean it up.

I have done exactly what you did.

What's done is done.

When the time comes, you can apologize for whatever you wish to.

First things first is to be sure to not buy any more to drink, get rid of any alcohol, and start over.

You can do it.

Two months sobriety is not gone. You cannot lose what you have already accomplished.

BullDog777

i've been through nights like that a thousand times....it's embarassing and you know better. that last part is guilt.
all you can do is let go and start again.
this can be the last time you ever have to feel like this.
this disease is by choice...you deceide when it's over.
it only get's darker and more hopeless and desperate from here.
this is the easier softer way.
one big thing i learned in sobriety was to do something nice for myself everyday.
make this the last time you have to be sick.
God Bless

Toss

I think you need to throw the dude out with the trash. Why bother??? (easy to say but if he acts this way now...)

I threw away two years of sobriety, then recently 14 months - work on yourself, then invite another person in.

Toss

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear you faltered BBE...whats done is done, but you can learn from it

I'm not a great fan of keeping booze in the house for example - non drinkers don't need booze around.

the 'I'll find it' argument is all very well but to me there's a vast difference between having to physically go out to get booze and having it right there...going out you have many chances to change your mind and recover your sanity...

having it there...as you saw it only takes one bad decision and a split second.

The guy? Sounds to me like you deserve better?

What have you been doing for your recovery? Maybe it's time to add some more stuff to your recovery 'toolbox'?

D

2granddaughters

bbe, are you attending AA meetings?

I could often quit drinking but couldn't stay quit, something always came up.

Until I joined AA.

All the best.

Bob R

CarolD

Hope you soon get back on track...

Many of us had false starts before we found solid sobriety
I know I did....but I kept working hard on positive changes
and by living the AA Steps I did quit.

This really can be your last de tox expereince
Welcome back

instant

Glad you are here and posting.

CleanmeupScotty

Maybe you should be single for awhile until you have a better grip and understanding on your addiction... Every time you hit an obstacle the urge to drink is going to take hold of you ten-fold. Your sobriety is still at its infancy. You are trying to juggle too many things at once. When you first learn how to juggle you start with two balls before you get to three..

Huey

Perhaps both AA and CODA are in order ?

behindblueyes

Thanks all. I feel like I replaced the alcohol with him since he would always come over as soon as I usually drank at night and always kept me occupied. Now that he's gone I'm left in a bored rut. I used to go out almost every night.

I drank vodka that night too. I can't believe I was able to walk around this place and saw the things I put on facebook thinking wow how could that even be me. How does your brain even function? He's not talking still and I don't trust him anyway. His last words were I can text all I want but he's not hanging out anymore. That triggered the binge. Don't know why. Like I'm not deserving.

behindblueyes

There is just noone around saying hey good job being sober. Bar friends are not even asking where I went. There is no reward for sobriety not that I'm expecting one but I thought life was going to have its own rewards. One being surrounded by better people. So when this jerk decides to tell me off and leave I figure my mind went to anger over trying to improve myself and no one taking notice. Actually the opposite is happening, I'm attracting jerks and my anxiety is at an alltime high.

I ended up in the er last night while typing this for partial seizure. That's why it says 7pm but is dated later. My fault for drinking and my punishment as I have epilepsy. Ty all again.

desertsong

I'm learning that no one can *make* me feel a certain way ... I allow it. It was a long time coming to that realization. I have learned to put my sobriety first - I fought long and hard for it and nobody is going to take it away from me.

I'm married, but separated because my husband is still an active alcoholic. Even 20 years of marriage is not going to make me give up what I have worked so hard for. There's a reason it is suggested that we not get into any new relationships during the first year of sobriety. We need the time to work on ourselves without distractions and with as few frustrations as possible. A new relationship where the man is triggering you for whatever reason is just not a good idea. This is YOUR time. Anything you put before your sobriety, you will lose. And this guy doesn't sound good for you whether you're in sobriety or not.

Find other ways to occupy your down time ... reading, exercise, learning how to play an instrument, cooking, journaling, walking the dog ... whatever keeps you busy during that idle time. For me the key was substituting an activity for the boredom - boredom was a killer for me. You ARE deserving of a happy, sober life!

Fandy

I hope you learn that we get sober for ourselves and that is a reward. You don't need the approval of others, you treat yourself with respect.

and look after your health. I hope you feel better today.

behindblueyes

What is CODA? I talk to absolutely no one now. Every single one of my other friends is at the bar right now. I said no to that tonight. There has got to be someone out there who doesn't want to drink! I live in a huge drinking town, that's all anyone wants to do here! I am not supposed to be working due to the seizures and my boredom level is sky high too. I feel trapped like an old shut in.

Dee74

It does...but it takes longer than 2 months I think BBE.

I drank for 20 years - thats a lot of baggage to sift through and a lot of damage to fix, y'know?

I had to run on faith for a while - faith things would get better.
They did - but I needed to learn some patience as well

I'm sorry you ended up in the ER. I hope you're better now.
D