awuh1

Yup I was afraid of that. I take it that going into a bad neighborhood, with another, to buy drugs was not what you had in mind when you took that first drink.

So what’s plan b?

Dee74

I'm not going to beat you up either...but I think you know just how badly wrong this week could have gone NC.

You're not an unintelligent person - I think you know you deserve better that what you gave yourself this last week.

I used to think that way - but now I know good decisions can be just as inevitable

I think it takes a little bit extra oomph to turn a bad decision into a good one...but not that much more from my experience in recovery.

I think you're worth the extra effort NC

D

RobbyRobot

When it goes wrong we eventually know it. When it goes right, not always do we "get it." Often enough gratitude eludes us until remorse reminds us. Yeah, you've come a long way, Noble.

The story is not over so easily as we first desire, and there is nothing for it but to finish what was started no matter the early outcomes. Keep moving forward, Noble. Better days ahead.

Rosiepetal

Thank you so much for sharing & well done.

instant

Our most "brilliant" ideas aren't always our best ideas.

Glad you are getting back on track quickly

BackToSquareOne

You have come a long way NC and a slip does not diminish the insight you've gained along the way. The longer we live the more we learn that it's all about choices and part of being human means that we don't always make the right ones. Gaining the wisdom to see with crystal clarity that we have made a bad choice is so very important and you seem to have that part of the puzzle figured out. Stay strong NC, I hope all goes well for your family back east, again, hang in there.

Hollyanne

Welcome back Noble.
I know a few people who consider drugs their problem, but every time they drink, they end up doing drugs!
So yeah, the drink is also a problem.
I know a guy who took a xanax getting on a plane after 8 years off drink.
He was carried off the plane having drank the whole flight.
Are you sure you shouldn't just leave the family cope without you for six months or so?

Veritas1

It's amazing how this disease gets us to drink time and time again.

I was worried about you Noble on that last post of yours that ended with "it's all about the choices."

We think we have the choice. Feel good, look good, "time" under our belt, then whammo.

Out of nowhere...at certain times...we will have NO defense against that first drink.

I am sorry to hear this Noble.

You know I have been in the same boat as you.

Maybe it's time to try the AA program? I have been doing good, reading and following the AA program, praying to God, and listening to AA speakers that teach me a new way of living.

davaidavai

I guess Carl Jung, blah blah, religious experience?

With AA, something opened up. I realized I was stunted in a way. That's what a release from depression felt like: being released into a kind of deep, common knowledge. After not going to a meeting in a month and a half, it shut again. I need to start back up this week.

We are mechanisms of sorts made to experience. Maybe a structured spiritual experience brought about by likeminded people is somehow essential.

soberlicious

The storm, the ptsd, the fear for your family's safety, the ex rolling back around, none of that has anything to do with drinking.

All those things are there, and will be there, regardless of whether or not you get drunk or high. To tie them in as reasons for drinking makes them excuses.

I disagree that that this "comes out of nowhere" and that "bad decisions were all but inevitable". To believe such is pure Addictive Voice. You do have a choice on how you want to live your life. I may have asked you before, but have you ever read about AVRT?

I do not believe it is about making the right choices...plural...when it comes to drinking. I have made one choice. No matter what...no matter what...I don't drink. That makes it easier for me because then it's not about constantly making the right choice, constantly having to choose. I have no other choice but to deal head-on, full bore, without hiding because drinking is never an option. There is no choosing alcohol. No choice, no battle.

Will the ptsd still be there? The fear? the crippling memories? Yep...but drinking never got rid of them anyway. It doesn't work. It doesn't do what you want it to do.

xo

Grace2

That's fantastic. Keep on doing whatever it is you're doing as you're obviously doing it right!

Thanks for sharing, lovely post!

Hevyn

Noble - Glad you are back safe and looking forward to better days.

I agree that drinking/drugging never gives us the relief from anxiety - or the happy high we are seeking. We mis-remember how it was. I fell into the trap of thinking I could go back and try it again - many times. I always failed to keep a lid on things, and each episode was more damaging and dangerous than the last.

You learned something valuable through that experience. I hope it serves you well.

NobleCause

yep, it feels rotten. it was an unnecessary, dangerous and expensive lesson. i'm still sorting thru the resulting frustration and shame, and, in the meantime, the things which caused me such great concern to begin with have only gotten worse. so i recognize that it's time to pull it together.

also, just to be clear, i offered the context of the week not as an excuse for using, but as evidence of the fact that i lack some needed coping skills. there is a threshold past which sobriety seems superfluous, and i passed that threshold at a certain point last week. as for what's next, i plan to pick myself up and to continue to march ahead - to do my best to stay short of that threshold. there's no spiritual awakening in the cards, just pragmatic, careful living.

soberlicious

Lack of coping skills is also an excuse that addiction likes to use. One must drink/use because they lack any other coping skills and just don't know what else to do. It's simply another lie that your AV wants you to believe to keep it alive. So what if you never developed any coping skills? That doesn't mean you are doomed to the cycle of addiction forever. I'm not trying to sound harsh here, rather to expose the lies that addiction tells that are so ingrained in some of us that we accept them as truth.

You are fully capable of making sure that you never cross that threshold. You may not believe it, but I know it.

NobleCause

i understand the point you're suggesting, and i'm not claiming that i'm helplessly doomed or predisposed to a wretched demise. just that i was struggling and at a certain point i chose to medicate the situation because numbness seemed the most reasonable reaction to the circumstances. i felt hopeless, i felt oblivion. so i had a drink, and things went south pretty quickly. certainly not my intent, tho also not terribly surprising.

and, sober or not, i know that life is not always easy and life is not always fair - i don't expect it to be. i'm sober right now tho i don't want to think about the mess with my family, last week's stupidity, next week's funeral, or the myriad work deadlines i'm not keeping up with. i know that it's scientifically possible to survive all of these things without a drink or drug. i'm sure everything will be fine and i haven't imploded yet. i just wish i were a bit more competent at this life thing. that's all i was trying to say.

ReadyAndAble

Hey, NC.

I have been meaning to check in on you; I'm sorry to hear you revisited those gloomy old haunts, but glad you found your way back home. I'm also hopeful that it will serve as the final proof that you're not missing out on anything good—not one single thing—by giving up the drink.

The coping skills came to me, slow but sure. Sometimes I still handle life a bit clumsily, but at least drinking no longer comes to mind as a solution to stress or sadness or anything else. You'll get there.

So where do you stand as far as AVRT goes? I ask because your latest posts seem pretty heavy on the AV, and light on the RT. Don't get me wrong: I believe you are fully capable of quitting without AVRT. But it sure made things easier for me, and it seemed to be helping you...

Anyway, thanks for the updates, as always. Good to see you back in the brighter part of town.

instant

Noble for a while there I had to say to myself "I don't run from pain anymore"

It sounds stupid but it did help me focus, and I have learned that stress can be endured- and I think it does make you more resilient passing through each ring of fire.

freshstart57

All of life's ahem challenges, and the triumphs too for that matter, are easier survive sober. I thought that drunk helped but it took sober to realize the reality. There is a measure of peace and happiness that goes with that realization too. Wishing you well, NobleCause, it is always good to hear from you.

soberlicious

I agree. AVRT is about self-recovery anyway.

Noble, I do understand what you are saying. I do understand pain, fear, and being literally crippled by my mind. There was a time that I welcomed death with a smile and a sigh. No fear, just relief. What a waste.

I think we all wish we were more competent at this life thing at times. But the only way to become more competent at anything is to practice it correctly. That is what you are doing.

xo

RobbyRobot

Alcohol satisfied me to no end. If not for my open awareness of the wasting away of my life on every level and in every sense, I would have drank myself to death without question and without remedy.

Yeah, I had the alcoholic obsession in my drinking days... and so what?! Obsessional struggles were only important when I tried and failed to quit, and not when I drank since obviously they were being satisfied while drinking. Also not important now I'm sober either. Alcoholic drinking was always a lousy means to a stupid end for me.

I understand how numbness can become the go-to-solution for any number of justified reasons when either drunk or sober. Being generally numb to myself and my surroundings kept me dumbed down enough to continue to be more or less un-responsible in my participation in life. How brilliantly self-revealing it is to be truly aware of the uselessness of personal failure as a lighthouse to every challenge before me. Sink or swim situations offer nothing new for me under the sun anymore. I've just survived too much to even care anymore...

A serious challenge in my post-alcoholic drinking days continues to be my own sense of under achievement. Interestingly, I'm often cheered on by others as a person who is appreciated to have achieved much in my sober life. How ironic, no? I'm a fortunate man. I have failed at being a failure. God knows i tried with everything I had to destroy myself, but to no avail. Here I am decades sober nonetheless.

Noble, you're something else, heh, even when you're smarting from failure. It's awesome to see you and wicked-smart soberlicious come to a mutual understanding in short order. I'm left wanting more dialogue from two obviously talented self-aware been-there-done-that women...

From our failures we can have our greatest successes if only we get out of our own way and let life itself flourish and survive.