Valium made me do it. I relapsed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Valium made me do it. I relapsed.
Hello:
Against my better judgment, I accepted a script for Valium from my doctor along with some Wellbutrin to treat jaw pain from grinding my teeth which he diagnosed as anxiety. I knew I should have said no to the Valium, but pride prevented me from being honest with my doctor. I have not taken any kind of anti anxiety (benzos) in over 7 years as they were a big part of my drinking problem in the past.*
Well, just as I expected the 10 mg of Valium twice a day relaxed me so well and made things so peachy that while at Whole Foods for milk, I convinced *my hubby to participate in a cheese and wine tasting. I tasted a couple of ounces or so of four or five different wines and binged on cheese. Didn't get drunk with the wine, but the next morning , of course, the *beast got semi-awake and was pacified by a couple of beers and yesterday by a couple of rums and cokes. I have not drank today. I have no cravings but have relapsed and regret it tremendously. I was going on five months. I wish this relapse hadn't happened. I am so sorry it did.
Lesson learned: I don't need to abuse valium to get uninhibited and so 'in the zone' to dilute myself into believing some small amount of wine won't hurt me. Valium was a big part of this 3 day relapse although the ultimate responsibility is mine. I drank the wine, the beer and the rum and coke. The Valium didn't. I fessed up to my husband about the beer and rum and also called a good friend who has 8 years clean and sober and told her about my relapse.
I am telling you because I want sobriety for my life. When sober, my life flows effortlessly and is drama and chaos free.
I choose sobriety. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
The Valium went down the garbage disposal and will only take the Wellbutrin which has worked well for me in past.
I can feel the beast waking up from its slumber. This affliction is real. There is no doubt in my mind I cannot ever ever ever drink again.
Ultimately, I am grateful and determined.
Much love,
Natalie
Against my better judgment, I accepted a script for Valium from my doctor along with some Wellbutrin to treat jaw pain from grinding my teeth which he diagnosed as anxiety. I knew I should have said no to the Valium, but pride prevented me from being honest with my doctor. I have not taken any kind of anti anxiety (benzos) in over 7 years as they were a big part of my drinking problem in the past.*
Well, just as I expected the 10 mg of Valium twice a day relaxed me so well and made things so peachy that while at Whole Foods for milk, I convinced *my hubby to participate in a cheese and wine tasting. I tasted a couple of ounces or so of four or five different wines and binged on cheese. Didn't get drunk with the wine, but the next morning , of course, the *beast got semi-awake and was pacified by a couple of beers and yesterday by a couple of rums and cokes. I have not drank today. I have no cravings but have relapsed and regret it tremendously. I was going on five months. I wish this relapse hadn't happened. I am so sorry it did.
Lesson learned: I don't need to abuse valium to get uninhibited and so 'in the zone' to dilute myself into believing some small amount of wine won't hurt me. Valium was a big part of this 3 day relapse although the ultimate responsibility is mine. I drank the wine, the beer and the rum and coke. The Valium didn't. I fessed up to my husband about the beer and rum and also called a good friend who has 8 years clean and sober and told her about my relapse.
I am telling you because I want sobriety for my life. When sober, my life flows effortlessly and is drama and chaos free.
I choose sobriety. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
The Valium went down the garbage disposal and will only take the Wellbutrin which has worked well for me in past.
I can feel the beast waking up from its slumber. This affliction is real. There is no doubt in my mind I cannot ever ever ever drink again.
Ultimately, I am grateful and determined.
Much love,
Natalie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome back Natalie....I'm glad it was a short trip....I have a friend out there now that went the same way...Painkillers for his back and right back to drinking....Learn and keep moving forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Thanks Dee.
Very valuable lesson indeed. As for telling my doctor I suffer from alcoholism and can't take Valium, no, I won't tell him. When I go back in a month to get my second script for Wellbutrim, if I see that it's alleviating my jaw pain, I'll tell him the Valium didn't work well and I don't need a refill. I live in the good old USA, where medical care costs an arm and a leg. My husband pays $600.00 a month for health insurance for our family of 3. That's our portion. I am sure his employer pays twice as much if not more. I cannot afford a diagnosis of alcoholism or susbtance abuse on my medical record or our premiun will increase. I abstain from sugar, corn syrup and flour because I am terrified of developing diabetes. I've seen what our health insurance company does premium wise to diabetics. If I were in a position where I needed rehab I would reconsider my decision not to disclose, but now we can't afford it. I went over 7 years without taking benzos and I am certain I can do it again.
What sucks big time about this relapse is that on Sunday I'll be visiting my sister's ex-husband who is a near end-stage alcoholic staying in a rehab center. I feel like a hypocrite, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Thanks again.
Natalie
Very valuable lesson indeed. As for telling my doctor I suffer from alcoholism and can't take Valium, no, I won't tell him. When I go back in a month to get my second script for Wellbutrim, if I see that it's alleviating my jaw pain, I'll tell him the Valium didn't work well and I don't need a refill. I live in the good old USA, where medical care costs an arm and a leg. My husband pays $600.00 a month for health insurance for our family of 3. That's our portion. I am sure his employer pays twice as much if not more. I cannot afford a diagnosis of alcoholism or susbtance abuse on my medical record or our premiun will increase. I abstain from sugar, corn syrup and flour because I am terrified of developing diabetes. I've seen what our health insurance company does premium wise to diabetics. If I were in a position where I needed rehab I would reconsider my decision not to disclose, but now we can't afford it. I went over 7 years without taking benzos and I am certain I can do it again.
What sucks big time about this relapse is that on Sunday I'll be visiting my sister's ex-husband who is a near end-stage alcoholic staying in a rehab center. I feel like a hypocrite, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Thanks again.
Natalie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Natalie,
I like your signature of your sobriety dates, if I listed mine out it would not fit.
I wish my falling off the wagon was your situation, it presented itself to you and you had to make a choice. I fight the good fight for long periods of time (two years once and 14 months recently). I thought I could celebrate New Years Eve with alcohol (not really, I was just tired of fighting the urge).
I applaud your decision after such a short time, you corrected it. Your reaction was very strong and decisive, which I believe tells alot.
I joined SR around two years ago and was sober for 14 months. I left, failed and am back. I hope to start again this October.
Toss
I like your signature of your sobriety dates, if I listed mine out it would not fit.
I wish my falling off the wagon was your situation, it presented itself to you and you had to make a choice. I fight the good fight for long periods of time (two years once and 14 months recently). I thought I could celebrate New Years Eve with alcohol (not really, I was just tired of fighting the urge).
I applaud your decision after such a short time, you corrected it. Your reaction was very strong and decisive, which I believe tells alot.
I joined SR around two years ago and was sober for 14 months. I left, failed and am back. I hope to start again this October.
Toss
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
I have been mostly sober the last 1year & a half. I struggle with extreme anxiety & get a limited supply a month of meds. My psych Dr. told me sure won't prescribe Valium because of the "buzz" factor. I have detoxed from alcohol dozens of times in the hospital & I always was happy when I heard they would detox me with valium instead of librium or lorazapam. It's good that you got back on the wagon so quickly. Some let a 2 or 3 day slip turn into a xx month long benders.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
I'm not in the US so I can't speak about premiums insurance and things like that...but I do wonder how people get on with meds and treatments...even diagnoses, when their Dr doesn't know the full story?
D
D
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Natalie,
I have had similar experiences to yours. In my case the valium came first and decreased my inhibitions towards how much I drank, which decreased my inhibitions about how many valium I took, which both decreased my inhibitions about how many of whatever other pills I could find I took....
Which led to a lot of crazy, angry and anxious behavior, which led to a really ugly suicidal overdose. Who would have thought two 10 mg valium a day could spiral into that sort of misery...I mean they were Rx'd to HELP my problems...but such is the way it is with addicts.
I have noticed in my life that giving in to one addiction always leads me to lose my resistence towards not giving in to my other addictions. I refer to it as "slipping into insane". I also refer to is as the "worm" turning in my brain. Once it begins to twist and wiggle, woken up by my addictive thinking or behavior...I get all kinds of crazy and start justifying all kinds of stupid.
SR, lots of honesty and my recovery program help me stay on track and get back on track.
I have had similar experiences to yours. In my case the valium came first and decreased my inhibitions towards how much I drank, which decreased my inhibitions about how many valium I took, which both decreased my inhibitions about how many of whatever other pills I could find I took....
Which led to a lot of crazy, angry and anxious behavior, which led to a really ugly suicidal overdose. Who would have thought two 10 mg valium a day could spiral into that sort of misery...I mean they were Rx'd to HELP my problems...but such is the way it is with addicts.
I have noticed in my life that giving in to one addiction always leads me to lose my resistence towards not giving in to my other addictions. I refer to it as "slipping into insane". I also refer to is as the "worm" turning in my brain. Once it begins to twist and wiggle, woken up by my addictive thinking or behavior...I get all kinds of crazy and start justifying all kinds of stupid.
SR, lots of honesty and my recovery program help me stay on track and get back on track.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Thanks for the encouraging words and welcomes.
Toss I thank you for your post. 14 months is very impressive and I fully understand the thought process involved in thinking we can celebrate with just a few at a new years party. My two oldest kids married during my 6 year strecht of sobriety. At both weedings i had no desire to drink and even held up the champaign glasses for the toasts but they never touched my lips. I danced the night away at both weddings without wanting or thinking of alcohol. I took that enormous gift for granted then but now see how unappreciative and blind I was. Because I live near the cruise capital of the world and have a relative who works at Carnival cruise lines, i sometimes go on cruises for a fraction of their cost. I've been sober on various cruises and even attended a couple of Friends of Bill meetings on the cruise ships, as AA meetings are listed on the daily activity schedule. My six years of sobriety were a true gift but I obviously did not see it that way. Best of luck to you when you quit in October Toss. Please keep us posted.
Justfor1 I know nothing of Librium but the Valium I took, although it didn't make me high, it made things just too perfect for me. I was way too happy and carefree on it. Maybe that's being a little high. But I felt terrific on it and it clouded my judgement making that cheese and wine tasting event the greatest idea in the world. My good AA friend tells me 10mg twice a day was too big of dose.
Dee, maybe my doc has picked up on my alcoholism, but I don't think so. My only outward sign are tiny little broken blood vessels on my face wich I bury under layers of foundation every morning. When I was drinking, I would stop for a week or so before drawing my blood for the annual check ups. I was a bottle and a half of wine or almost a pint of Bacardi drinker at my worst, and maybe these limited amounts helped me stay under the radar health wise. But I drove my with my children in the car when I was very drunk and did things I would have never done sober. I have that obsession of the mind and allergy of the body AA'ers talk about, so I am definetly an alcoholic. I have learned is not the amount of alcohol but your reaction to it what's important. Many people drink a bottle of wine per drinking occasion but don't endanger their children's lives like I've done by driving them all over town after school to their gymnastic or soccer practices.
I am so happy I am sober today. I am grateful for this forum.
Natalie
Toss I thank you for your post. 14 months is very impressive and I fully understand the thought process involved in thinking we can celebrate with just a few at a new years party. My two oldest kids married during my 6 year strecht of sobriety. At both weedings i had no desire to drink and even held up the champaign glasses for the toasts but they never touched my lips. I danced the night away at both weddings without wanting or thinking of alcohol. I took that enormous gift for granted then but now see how unappreciative and blind I was. Because I live near the cruise capital of the world and have a relative who works at Carnival cruise lines, i sometimes go on cruises for a fraction of their cost. I've been sober on various cruises and even attended a couple of Friends of Bill meetings on the cruise ships, as AA meetings are listed on the daily activity schedule. My six years of sobriety were a true gift but I obviously did not see it that way. Best of luck to you when you quit in October Toss. Please keep us posted.
Justfor1 I know nothing of Librium but the Valium I took, although it didn't make me high, it made things just too perfect for me. I was way too happy and carefree on it. Maybe that's being a little high. But I felt terrific on it and it clouded my judgement making that cheese and wine tasting event the greatest idea in the world. My good AA friend tells me 10mg twice a day was too big of dose.
Dee, maybe my doc has picked up on my alcoholism, but I don't think so. My only outward sign are tiny little broken blood vessels on my face wich I bury under layers of foundation every morning. When I was drinking, I would stop for a week or so before drawing my blood for the annual check ups. I was a bottle and a half of wine or almost a pint of Bacardi drinker at my worst, and maybe these limited amounts helped me stay under the radar health wise. But I drove my with my children in the car when I was very drunk and did things I would have never done sober. I have that obsession of the mind and allergy of the body AA'ers talk about, so I am definetly an alcoholic. I have learned is not the amount of alcohol but your reaction to it what's important. Many people drink a bottle of wine per drinking occasion but don't endanger their children's lives like I've done by driving them all over town after school to their gymnastic or soccer practices.
I am so happy I am sober today. I am grateful for this forum.
Natalie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Threshold thank you for sharing your experience. I am amazed at how many times I have read my story on these boards. You are so right. Honesty is the key here and I have to add a few things to the list of things I have to stay away from if I want to stay sane and sober. Any and all benzos for sure. Also listening to reggae music is a trigger for me. That type of music has made me crave a certain drink and friend who isn't in recovery.
I too have that worm. It sleeps very nicely until a behavior or a substance is introduced to its invironment. Then it stars squirming and I have to bring out the Spanish Armada to put it back to sleep.
Your worm analogy reminded me of my failed attempt at donating blood for a free movie ticket a couple of weeks ago. Yes, i wasnt doing for the right reason. When I checked the yes box on the questionnaire asking if I ever ate beef in Europe in the 80's they didn't let me donate blood. When I asked why they said I may have the mad cow disease laying dormant in my brain. Great!!
I too have that worm. It sleeps very nicely until a behavior or a substance is introduced to its invironment. Then it stars squirming and I have to bring out the Spanish Armada to put it back to sleep.
Your worm analogy reminded me of my failed attempt at donating blood for a free movie ticket a couple of weeks ago. Yes, i wasnt doing for the right reason. When I checked the yes box on the questionnaire asking if I ever ate beef in Europe in the 80's they didn't let me donate blood. When I asked why they said I may have the mad cow disease laying dormant in my brain. Great!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
