FenwayFaithful

I’m cleaning my room right now and it’s such a reality check.
So far I’ve found 4 handles, two pints and countless nips and that’s only from the past 3-4 weeks because I cleaned out everything at the beginning of the month.
I am going to meetings and had 3 days after drinking heavily every day for about 10 weeks but drank last night. Only a couple sips of a pint then I poured the rest down the drain when I realized how stupid I was being. I was just so nervous and stressed and irritable and I can’t sleep and when I do sleep I have nightmares and I had crazy cravings etc so I did slip up last night, I also missed my meeting because I had a prior obligation.
A girl I met in AA texted me today asking where I was and asking me to go to a morning meeting with her tomorrow so I will do that. I am glad she reached out because when she texted me I was actually thinking about drinking again since I already screwed up last night.
I know I need to force myself to get up and go to meetings because the times when I just want to lie in bed all day and not even shower are probably the days I need it the most.
My Mom is going to come visit tomorrow. I want to try and talk to her about all this in person. So far she won’t budge on not allowing me to take the semester off and focus on my recovery. I honestly don’t think I am capable of handling graduate school period. If I continue to drink like I have been I sure as hell won’t last but even my effort to get sober will leave little mental energy and time to contribute to graduate school….
The thought of it is stressing me out so bad. I'm just taking it one day at a time. slipped up last night but I didn't get drunk. I took a few sips realized it was stupid and go rid of it. This whole "Cold Turkey" thing is just a lot harder then I thought...I am really obsessed with counting calories and I hate eating more then 1200-1350 as that's my BMR and I *HATE* the sugar cravings I'm getting, I am eating SO much. I'm not sleeping, I dream about alcohol every night, I feel physically and mentally like crap. all that makes me want to drink but I'm trying really hard not to. Which is why I want to drink but I know I'm going to hate myself for drinking and I've reached and point where I just don't want to live like this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I'm sick of waking up still drunk or so hung over I can't move I'm sick of signing online in a panic to see if I said anything embarrassing the night before, sick of forgetting more nights than I remember, sick of having sex with strangers, sick of waking up with injuries I can't explain, sick of switching up the liquor stores I go to because I'm too embarrassed that they all recognize me, I can't live that life anymore, I need to start living my life without alcohol, cos I what I'm doing now isn't living. It's so embarrassing the be cleaning out my room and have it look like a college frat lives here.

PS- Sorry for posting again, couldn't go to a meeting today either cos I had class tonight and I just needed to vent without being judged

Sapling

Nobody is going to judge you. I'm glad you poured out what you did.....This isn't easy and you're doing great....Just take it a day at a time. I would suggest you get a Big Book and study it...When you are thinking about drinking...Read it. Especially the first 103 pages...The directions for the 12 steps. Get some phone numbers at a meeting and use them...When you want to pick up....Call somebody....Nobody can talk an alcoholic out of drinking like a sober alcoholic. That's why people put their numbers down...They want to help. As far as meetings go...The ones that I didn't feel like going to were the one I had to go to....The other ones I went to I wanted to. Hang in there FF...Just don't drink today. Talk to your Mom....Be honest and say a prayer it works out the way it should....I'll send you one myself.

CarolD

Mega

In my early days I went to many AA meetings ..and Yes! I know
it helped me immensley....

hope you and your Mom enjoy your time together.

cafeBoston

hey fenway! keep coming here for support! i'm only on day three but i really do feel much better. i read this board for months before deciding that the day was the day to recapture my life. i live on k street btw, and since i know you're from here, you know the difficulties of this neighborhood, and booze (not to mention all the horrible other things some of the locals are doing). if your mom doesn't get how important this is for you, she may need some 'tough love' herself keep coming to the forum!

Fandy

You are much stronger than you think you are. You're doing good. (I always find cleaning therapeutic).

When I first stopped i used to wonder if the clerks at the liquor store noticed my absence? or if the recycling man noticed there were only cat food cans and seltzer bottles?

MrDavid

We're here for you, as always. Please...make it to a meeting, it can only help.

Dee74

How are you doing Fenway?

D

FenwayFaithful

I feel like I'm not strong enough for this.

I'm at the 48 hour mark again. This is when I *ALWAYS* got out and buy. I did it two days ago with the pint, just took a few shots, didn't even really get a buzz then pouted the rest down the drain. Feeling really bad cravings again. It seems I can never make it past 48 hours. Once I hit that I get really bad cravings. I'm sitting here fighting it right now.

I went to two meetings today and then I went to a lunch that was being held for students in recovery on campus with another student I met in my meeting this morning.

But that was hours ago and as the day wears on I really really want a drink. It's always at night that I struggle most.

I keep getting chest and stomach pains, I literally cannot stop eating and I HATE that I've gained 4 pounds in 3 days. Not sure how much of this is drinking related.

I haven't slept in 2-3 days minus a couple restless hours so I just feel like I've constantly been in my head. I know THIS is drinking related as every night for the past several weeks I've passed out as opposed to falling asleep. When I do "sleep" I have awful nightmares.

I am tying to keep myself busy until 11 when the packie closes and there is no longer the temptation to go out and buy alcohol. If I do make it past tonight it will be the fist time I've made it past the 48 hour mark.

I don't know why this is when the cravings are at their worst.

Just going to try and keep busy, go answer some posts here, maybe read a big. I should get a big book next time I'm at a meeting.

I've taken up smoking since I stated to try and get sober (I quit this years ago minus a few here and there) and I'm trying my best not to smoke because I am a runner but it DOES help calm me down, I suppose it is the lesser of two evils.

I feel like I'm jumping out my own skin.

(PS- My parents are visiting tomorrow, my Dad wanted to come too so my Mom doesn't have to take the ride alone, but he had to work today)

Dee74

There once was a time I couldn't make 48 hours either FF...but then I did...and I made 3 days, then 4...then a week.

Your addicted side will throw every self doubt at you...it will hit you with every excuse to give in and drink.

Things will get better if you don't and you focus instead on your recovery...that's a guarantee from me.

Not drinking is not easy...you'll need a lot of courage, a lot of determination and a lot of support - but sobriety is the way out of all the chaos and the madness

I've never regretted those tough few weeks - they set me up for where I am now, y'know?

D

Babslove

My husband is in recovery again. Don't beat yourself up for being tempted congratulate yourself for deciding to stay sober one more minute,one more hour, one more day. Have a good visit with your parents. This place is great. So much support. Thinking of you.

FenwayFaithful

Thanks for the support everyone.
I did it. Sat here and watched The Vampire Diaries and Parks & Recreation because I'm lame. Organized my closet and cleaned the common areas of my apartment because my roommates are lazy and never do. It's now 11:05 and the packie is closed. 48 full hours without ANY alcohol at all
I just hope that some day I'm not "waiting out the clock" I also pray I get some sleep tonight I really need it.
I Meant to post this in my newer thread but oops. Haha I told you guys I'm super tired
WAIt this *IS* my most recent post haha WOW I really need sleep!!

Username1

The last time i tried to quit before now i cleaned out my room, i had to clean out under my bed, in my closet, in my hamper in my draws in the couch behind my books everywhere. Empty bottles of booze ranging in size. Also beer bottles. It was a good reality check at the time and now with my best stint of sobriety it also serves as a reminder because I took a picture of the pile.

FenwayFaithful

Can anyone give me an idea as to when the food/sugar cravings will end? I’ve been so hungry and eating upwards of 1800 calories a day since I’ve quit and it’s making me really really anxious because I am really nervous about gaining weight. I’ve been exercising as much as I can but I’ve been in a bit of a fog and very fatigued since quitting so it can be tough to find the energy to do that. I am just kind of freaked out about the food cravings because I never realized that despite having empty calories alcohol really helped me with my diet…ironic but true. This is seriously causing me so much anxiety I am so nervous that I’m going to start some kind of food addiction, is this normal? It’s like my body can’t tell when it’s full and I just want to keep eating! Has anyone else experienced this? How did you combat it? And how long will it take to go away? The anxiety it's causing me is making my alcohol cravings worse.

Fandy

I was eating cookies and chocolate for at least a month too.
try one of the relaxing teas at night with a lot of splenda, and fresh fruit

Sobersunshine

FF, Sorry you're having such a struggle, but so proud of you for your 48 hours. Keep fighting for your sobriety! You can do this! I wouldn't worry about the weight gain too much. Some of that may just be water, anyway. Your body is probably craving the nutrients that were depleted by the alcohol. And sugar! Try to get some healthy stuff inside you but don't worry if you think you're eating too many sweets. That's pretty common from what I ve read on here. So what if you gain a few pounds, but are sober. You can always lose the weight later, especially of you're a runner. Get through the first week or month, first.
As for the smoking, well, all I can say was I was a smoker before I quit drinking (about a month ago), and I did find smoking has helped keep me from drinking. Not that I am recommending this. Now that I am focusing on my health, I am disgusted by my smoking and am setting a quit date. I guess I'd say to try to keep it to a minimum so you don't have to deal with that addiction later.
If you feel that being in school right now will hurt your sobriety, I'd suggest taking time off. Sobriety has to be you number one top priority. Hopefully your mom will understand. Best wishes, ff.

Babslove

Good morning Fenway. Have a great day. Let go of the munchie worries. Focus on your achievements.

Nevertheless

I replaced drinking with chocolate when I quit. Booze just doesn't sound good after eating a bunch of chocolate. Everything I have read says not to do it that way. But it's a good thing I don't believe everything I read because i am still sober. I'm not really overweight either. And I still eat lots of chocolate 3 and a half years later....I am working on it though:rotfxko
You said one key thing a few posts up.
You were waiting for the liquor store to close,like that was going to give you relief. That really is something to give some thought to.
Our alcoholic minds will throw a tantrum like a kid in a candy store if we think there is a way to feed the habit. When the possibility is taken away there truly is some relief. And I think knowing this is a huge help getting through a craving.
You just have to tell the alcoholic mind you aren't giving in so you might as well forget about it. If it thinks you might give in it WILL throw a tantrum and keep throwing it as long as it thinks there is a possibility it will get it's way.
I wish you the best...
Fred

elderine

Hi Fenway,

I'm new here, and it's day 1 of sobriety for me, so I don't have much perspective on sugar cravings post-booze just yet. But as I posted earlier on another forum, I've had a lot of food issues in my life (including what I think could be called an intense sugar addiction before I started drinking) that alcohol "solved" for me. But they're still there, under the booze, and I will surely have to confront them in the coming weeks (and possibly months and years) as I attempt ongoing sobriety. I've read a little bit about nutritional approaches to alcoholism and am thinking of trying some of those ideas - I'll let you know if I have any success with that, both in terms of reducing desire for alcohol and not being sugar crazed.

Your description of the bottles in your room also resonated with me - it's a painful sight. I'm still cleaning out empty bottles from my cabinets since I'm too embarrassed to put them out all at once.

You mentioned that you're in grad school. I was in grad school for a long time and it was during those years that my drinking really took off. Something about the combination of intense stress/pressure/deadlines and lots of "free" (more like unstructured) time was just perfect for excessive drinking.

Anyway, obviously I'm quite new at sobriety and don't have any good advice for you yet, but I certainly share your struggles.

FenwayFaithful

Not too many major cravings today. But I am still thinking in an alcoholic mindset like NevetheLess pointed out. I keep thinking like “Well if I do drink…or when I do drink” or thinking about the future and how maybe I can have one or two when I go to Florida next month and things like that. I don’t want to think like that because I know one turns into two and two turns into six. I need to stop thinking of this as a temporary hiatus and realized this is a life long goal because if I pick up again I will continue to pick up and continue to use to deal with my problems and I need to stop drinking now and NEVER drink again.
I haven’t been to a meeting in a couple days. I slept all day today! I didn’t wake up until 4 PM then I was going to go on a run but it was pouring rain and thunder so I didn’t. I ate 2500 calories yesterday. My parents brought me Reese Cups and Snickers when they came and I can’t stop eating them, haha. But I feel okay. I am glad to hear the food cravings are normal but do hope they end soon!
I have been kind of irritable and for the most part prefer to keep to to myself my ability to deal with even the smallest annoyances is pretty much zero. I did see my parents yesterday and that was nice, they took me to Target and bought me some things I've been needing which was a huge weight of financial burdens.
I am also going home this weekend cos it's a long weekend and some friends with be in town...the plan is for us to go out Saturday to celebrate birthdays (including mine) I have offered to be the DD and I am going to go to a meeting so I hopefully avoid any major urges to drink but I do see this as dangerous so early in sobriety...especially if for some reason I end up not having to be the DD. People don't trust me to be one/not drink, for good reason...so not quite sure how that outing will go!
I met a few students in recovery at my meeting and they want to get coffee tomorrow. I can’t because I have to do homework but it’s nice that I am starting to make connection with people out here. To be honest the emphasis on a higher power is turning me off a bit from AA but I am going to keep going because it DOES have positive attributes. But I went to a Step 11 Meeting Saturday and I can’t say I got much out of it but I’ve gotten more out of other meetings I’ve gone to…
I think I also need to seek therapy outside of AA, I have set this up at well as my Uni only offers limited mental health services. I have an intake phone call coming from an office I was referred through by my short term therapist at my college tomorrow at 1:30 where they will set me up with a therapist in their office for more long term support.
And Elderline I know exactly what you mean about being a graduate student! It's just enough combination of unstructured time and stress to make it super easy to drink especially because I have my own bedroom for the first time in years I don't have to be sneaking drinks when my roommate goes to the bathroom or is in the shower or in a friends room...been there and done that tho! I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, feel free to PM me, we can support one another.

2granddaughters

F.F.... You are going to get out of AA what you put in.

You are straddling the fence and as AA's "How It Works" states 'half measures availed us nothing'

Opportunities are falling into your lap and you are letting them slide.

I hope you are taking this seriously. I wish you the best.

Bob R