Reality Check
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nashville tn
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Hey Fenway good to hear from you. Get yourself a sponsor. It really will help. This journey is not easy but can be accomplished one day at a time. You can celebrate alcohol free. Try sparkling water and cranberry. Tell your friends of your desire to be sober and ask for their support. Do not be ashamed. Be proud. Thinking of you. My husband sends his support. He is off to his AA meeting tonight.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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I thought I would check in with you guys...
Still sober it's Day 5. The days feel so long now that I don't spend half of them blacked out, lol.
I ran 8 miles today! I have never run that far in my life before and I NEVER could have done that even a week ago cos I would have been feeling the effect of drinking the night before.
The sugar cravings are starting to happen to a lesser degree.
I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow afternoon and hopefully going to an 11:15 meeting. I've still been very tired and groggy in the morning so making 11:15 minutes has been tough. (I was always one of those drunks who wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and cannot fall back asleep so walking up naturally is taking some getting used to) Today I made a rain check with my meeting buddy for tomorrow.
She's been reaching out so much texts me every day about every meeting she goes to asks me how I'm doing and I'm kind of being antisocial and I need to stop that! I can just be so shy and as much as I hate being alone, part of me hates the awkward getting to know someone stage even more. I am just so socially awkward and nervous around new people. I've mostly dealt with that by using alcohol or occasionally other drugs, I have a really tough time being social while sober.
But she is sober, reaching out and would be a great person to have as a friend so I need to get over that! Plus I need to stop shutting myself in my own little world and being a hobbit because that's part of what led to my drinking in the first place
But I did take some positive steps today. I went shopping right next to the Packie and didn't even consider or think about going into buy liquor. I'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty damn good after running 8 miles especially when I a kept a 9 minute mile pace, not bad at all!
Still sober it's Day 5. The days feel so long now that I don't spend half of them blacked out, lol.
I ran 8 miles today! I have never run that far in my life before and I NEVER could have done that even a week ago cos I would have been feeling the effect of drinking the night before.
The sugar cravings are starting to happen to a lesser degree.
I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow afternoon and hopefully going to an 11:15 meeting. I've still been very tired and groggy in the morning so making 11:15 minutes has been tough. (I was always one of those drunks who wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and cannot fall back asleep so walking up naturally is taking some getting used to) Today I made a rain check with my meeting buddy for tomorrow.
She's been reaching out so much texts me every day about every meeting she goes to asks me how I'm doing and I'm kind of being antisocial and I need to stop that! I can just be so shy and as much as I hate being alone, part of me hates the awkward getting to know someone stage even more. I am just so socially awkward and nervous around new people. I've mostly dealt with that by using alcohol or occasionally other drugs, I have a really tough time being social while sober.
But she is sober, reaching out and would be a great person to have as a friend so I need to get over that! Plus I need to stop shutting myself in my own little world and being a hobbit because that's part of what led to my drinking in the first place
But I did take some positive steps today. I went shopping right next to the Packie and didn't even consider or think about going into buy liquor. I'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty damn good after running 8 miles especially when I a kept a 9 minute mile pace, not bad at all!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Also can I just add I'm sitting in bed with a jug of Pink Lemonade that I keep taking chugs of (and it's freaking delicious) and all I gotta say is I am SO GLAD it isn't a handle of vodka cos a week ago that's exactly what it was!
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful 
I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow afternoon and hopefully going to an 11:15 meeting. I've still been very tired and groggy in the morning so making 11:15 minutes has been tough. (I was always one of those drunks who wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and cannot fall back asleep so walking up naturally is taking some getting used to) Today I made a rain check with my meeting buddy for tomorrow.
She's been reaching out so much texts me every day about every meeting she goes to asks me how I'm doing and I'm kind of being antisocial and I need to stop that! I can just be so shy and as much as I hate being alone, part of me hates the awkward getting to know someone stage even more. I am just so socially awkward and nervous around new people. I've mostly dealt with that by using alcohol or occasionally other drugs, I have a really tough time being social while sober.
She's been reaching out so much texts me every day about every meeting she goes to asks me how I'm doing and I'm kind of being antisocial and I need to stop that! I can just be so shy and as much as I hate being alone, part of me hates the awkward getting to know someone stage even more. I am just so socially awkward and nervous around new people. I've mostly dealt with that by using alcohol or occasionally other drugs, I have a really tough time being social while sober.
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Originally Posted by Sapling
I think you are doing great FF.....I know early on for me when I wasn't really into going to a meeting....That's the one I had to go to....It's still like that for me. And I think this person in your life is there for a reason....Try and take advantage of that....I was socially awkward when I came into AA also....The only thing I knew how to do was drink alone....I had to make some changes in that department. Keep moving forward FF...I like that lemonade too.
Especially since one of the things I'm avoiding is SCHOOL and that has you know strict deadlines for papers and projects and such and I have pretty much done squat in the month I've been here minus a half-assed paper that I probably failed...
The hardest thing for me is the fact that it's morning meetings. It's 3:30 in the morning right now and I'm wide awake. I've been able to actually STAY asleep lately or at least fall asleep quickly after waking up from a nightmare but I fall asleep VERY late cos I have a hard time soothing myself to sleep without just passing out from alcohol.
So that makes it REALLY hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning when I'm half asleep and know I can get a few more hours that I didn't get the night before cos I was up all night... IDK if what I'm trying to say about sleep makes sense but...I just wish the meetings she went to were late in the day!
I'm going home this weekend my family are big drinkers...and then I have that event with my friends Saturday I am worried I don't even know if I can enjoy spending time with my friends sober! I will probably just plan to call it an early night, go see them, do my rounds hang out for a bit and head home sober & remembering the entire night. (But then my alcoholic brain kicks in like oh well you've gone 5 days without drinking you could just control it and have one or two...) In my logical mind I know 1 or 2 ALWAYS turns into 5-6 BLACKOUT! Or if I don't black out at least enough to do something stupid and feel like I'm going to die the next day, especially lately.
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Fandy as usual you are right, that's exactly what the alcoholic part of me is doing. And I do have an intelligent sober logical part of me I'm just scared that will get overruled when/if I go out with my friends. I can tell myself I won't drink & I really do want to NOT drink when I go out with them I really do mean that but if I'm being honest about what I REALLY want in a perfect world is to go out and drink like a normal person but I can't do that and I don't want to break my sober time for some stupid night and embarrass myself again and start this all over. I'm afraid a relapse now even a "social drinking" relapse will just bring me back to where I was and I'll start drinking like I was a week ago so I actually don't want to drink which probably means not going... I'm sure my friends will understand, I mean we're supposed to celebrate my birthday but it won't be the end of the world if I'm not there, we can celebrate some other time in some other way that I can actually participate and not be miserable and uncomfortable. Anyway my posts are seriously making less sense to me then they do when I'm drunk cos I'm so darn tired so goodnight for now more in the AM!
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
So that makes it REALLY hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning when I'm half asleep and know I can get a few more hours that I didn't get the night before cos I was up all night... IDK if what I'm trying to say about sleep makes sense but...I just wish the meetings she went to were late in the day!
I'm going home this weekend my family are big drinkers...and then I have that event with my friends Saturday I am worried I don't even know if I can enjoy spending time with my friends sober! I will probably just plan to call it an early night, go see them, do my rounds hang out for a bit and head home sober & remembering the entire night. (But then my alcoholic brain kicks in like oh well you've gone 5 days without drinking you could just control it and have one or two...) In my logical mind I know 1 or 2 ALWAYS turns into 5-6 BLACKOUT! Or if I don't black out at least enough to do something stupid and feel like I'm going to die the next day, especially lately.
I'm going home this weekend my family are big drinkers...and then I have that event with my friends Saturday I am worried I don't even know if I can enjoy spending time with my friends sober! I will probably just plan to call it an early night, go see them, do my rounds hang out for a bit and head home sober & remembering the entire night. (But then my alcoholic brain kicks in like oh well you've gone 5 days without drinking you could just control it and have one or two...) In my logical mind I know 1 or 2 ALWAYS turns into 5-6 BLACKOUT! Or if I don't black out at least enough to do something stupid and feel like I'm going to die the next day, especially lately.
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So the therapist who I saw today wants to speak with my Mother about everything that’s going on lately. After I got out of her office I called my Mom and came clean about everything. The drinking, the depression, my eating issues of late… and she as really understanding. I didn’t expect her to be and I was so scared she’d get bad but she wasn’t at all once I was just honest and open and made her understand what’s happening for me.
We both agreed that being a full time graduate student isn’t feasible for me at this point in time. I told my Mom about the drinking, told her it’s been really bad and she was understanding once she understood exactly how bad it’s gotten.
She says she is really proud of me for going ahead and getting help and realizing that I needed to stop drinking and seeking the help I needed in AA. She also told me I can’t keep beating myself up for getting with my EXABF, that drug addicts fool even the smartest people and I made a mistake but I have to learn from it I can’t just keep hating myself for it.
She doesn’t think taking a full semester off is a good idea, because the way my school does it you have to take two semesters off so I’d be out for the entire year and we’d only get back 20 percent of my tuition because it’s so “late” in the semester (4 weeks in is apparently “late”) so really they lose money either way.
And my Mom reasoned that my health is more important than money and they’d lose that money anyway and I’d be in a worse off place academically and emotionally if I failed my classes this semester and since failing is anything less than a 75percent average that could very easily happen.
My Mom and I came to the agreement that I drop 3 of my classes and just continue with my Law class, which is the only class that doesn’t require me to work with a student I think this makes the most sense because I do not think I am in a place mentally where I can handle dealing with a special education student.
The therapist I saw thinks Partial Hospitalization would be a good compromise. I suggested a dual diagnoses problem as I deal with other issues, mainly depression that I use alcohol to self-medicate with and I feel my depression and alcoholism go hand in hand so a dual diagnoses program would be best for me.
There aren’t any specific programs she knows of but she said she would look into it and I am seeing here again first thing tomorrow morning.
It would be possible for me to continue with one class as well as go to a partial hospitalization program as I have night classes. I also feel it’s important for me to continue with as normal as a life as possible as I’d like to learn to be sober under as normal of circumstances as possible rather then got to a Residential place then out and have all these stresses and triggered all hit me at once.
My Mom doesn’t even think I need something as intense as partial hospitalization I’m not sure, maybe AA every day and a group or something would be enough I guess we will see what my therapist thinks when I talk to her about all this tomorrow.
I could tell my Mom wasn’t thrilled with the idea of even partial hospitalization but at least she is open to me getting help and to dial down grad school. I do feel better I just wish I wasn’t in this place I just wish I could be happy and normal.
As for this weekend I doubt I'm going to end up going out.
We both agreed that being a full time graduate student isn’t feasible for me at this point in time. I told my Mom about the drinking, told her it’s been really bad and she was understanding once she understood exactly how bad it’s gotten.
She says she is really proud of me for going ahead and getting help and realizing that I needed to stop drinking and seeking the help I needed in AA. She also told me I can’t keep beating myself up for getting with my EXABF, that drug addicts fool even the smartest people and I made a mistake but I have to learn from it I can’t just keep hating myself for it.
She doesn’t think taking a full semester off is a good idea, because the way my school does it you have to take two semesters off so I’d be out for the entire year and we’d only get back 20 percent of my tuition because it’s so “late” in the semester (4 weeks in is apparently “late”) so really they lose money either way.
And my Mom reasoned that my health is more important than money and they’d lose that money anyway and I’d be in a worse off place academically and emotionally if I failed my classes this semester and since failing is anything less than a 75percent average that could very easily happen.
My Mom and I came to the agreement that I drop 3 of my classes and just continue with my Law class, which is the only class that doesn’t require me to work with a student I think this makes the most sense because I do not think I am in a place mentally where I can handle dealing with a special education student.
The therapist I saw thinks Partial Hospitalization would be a good compromise. I suggested a dual diagnoses problem as I deal with other issues, mainly depression that I use alcohol to self-medicate with and I feel my depression and alcoholism go hand in hand so a dual diagnoses program would be best for me.
There aren’t any specific programs she knows of but she said she would look into it and I am seeing here again first thing tomorrow morning.
It would be possible for me to continue with one class as well as go to a partial hospitalization program as I have night classes. I also feel it’s important for me to continue with as normal as a life as possible as I’d like to learn to be sober under as normal of circumstances as possible rather then got to a Residential place then out and have all these stresses and triggered all hit me at once.
My Mom doesn’t even think I need something as intense as partial hospitalization I’m not sure, maybe AA every day and a group or something would be enough I guess we will see what my therapist thinks when I talk to her about all this tomorrow.
I could tell my Mom wasn’t thrilled with the idea of even partial hospitalization but at least she is open to me getting help and to dial down grad school. I do feel better I just wish I wasn’t in this place I just wish I could be happy and normal.
As for this weekend I doubt I'm going to end up going out.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Wow,sounds like you are really trying to get a handle on this.
The only thing that I can add that might be any help is an escape plan in social situations. Especially early on.
When I quit I didn't go anywhere socially unless I had an escape plan .
When things get sticky or awkward there isn't a thing wrong with simply disappearing. Being around things we shouldn't be around can arise in a hurry.
There is a very fine line between success or failure. And planning ahead can swing that fine line a little more your way.
Like in the Forrest Gump movie.
RUN FENWAY RUN
The only thing that I can add that might be any help is an escape plan in social situations. Especially early on.
When I quit I didn't go anywhere socially unless I had an escape plan .
When things get sticky or awkward there isn't a thing wrong with simply disappearing. Being around things we shouldn't be around can arise in a hurry.
There is a very fine line between success or failure. And planning ahead can swing that fine line a little more your way.
Like in the Forrest Gump movie.
RUN FENWAY RUN
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I have no expereince with this...but perhaps it will interest
you and your doctor....
Questions and Answers about DRA
Good to know your Mom is now aware of your situation
All my best to both of you as you make positive decisions...
you and your doctor....
Questions and Answers about DRA
Good to know your Mom is now aware of your situation
All my best to both of you as you make positive decisions...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
1 week today! I had a HORRIBLE craving last night and I was SO close to drinking but I didn't!
Took some positive steps!
Went to a discussion meeting this morning & raised my hand when they asked about topics & asked for one of the topis to be about early recovery & dealing with anxiety and everyone shared their experiences and it was super helpful! I seriously need to go to meetings every day because I feel so much better afterwards!
Then I actually shared today in AA instead of just passing and a bunch of people came up to me after the meeting to congratulate me on one week, offer me more numbers, encouraged me to keep coming back and promised it would get better.
I also made some calls with my therapist to a Dual Diagnoses outpatient program they would deal with my alcoholism, eating disorder and depression, it would be a 3 week day program & a treatment team would set me up with a post-program plan to continue my treatment. I'm just figuring out the logistics, such as insurance and weather or not I qualify for the program.
The therapist I am seeing not is through my college and doesn't do long-term therapy but has agreed to act as my case manager to see that I get the help I need. If this dual diagnosis doesn't work out she is going to refer me to a therapist off campus as well a the eating disorder clinic on campus. Either way I'll start getting the help I need.
I can't say I feel happy, I think it will be a long time until I do but I feel such a HUGE sense of relief and like this giant weight has been lifted on my shoulders. Between AA meetings, the girls I've met there and finally being HONEST with my parent and other people I feel like I'm no longer carrying my burden alone, I'm letting other people help me.
I've always struggled with letting others in, with asking for help, with telling people what I NEED. I've always just used alcohol or starving myself or drugs or other self destructive behavior as an attempt not to need anyone else. For the first time I'm telling people what I need and trying to take care of me, it's scary to stop lying and to come clean and to say I'm broken I can't do this I'm not okay I need help but it's the only way to get the help I need.
Took some positive steps!
Went to a discussion meeting this morning & raised my hand when they asked about topics & asked for one of the topis to be about early recovery & dealing with anxiety and everyone shared their experiences and it was super helpful! I seriously need to go to meetings every day because I feel so much better afterwards!
Then I actually shared today in AA instead of just passing and a bunch of people came up to me after the meeting to congratulate me on one week, offer me more numbers, encouraged me to keep coming back and promised it would get better.
I also made some calls with my therapist to a Dual Diagnoses outpatient program they would deal with my alcoholism, eating disorder and depression, it would be a 3 week day program & a treatment team would set me up with a post-program plan to continue my treatment. I'm just figuring out the logistics, such as insurance and weather or not I qualify for the program.
The therapist I am seeing not is through my college and doesn't do long-term therapy but has agreed to act as my case manager to see that I get the help I need. If this dual diagnosis doesn't work out she is going to refer me to a therapist off campus as well a the eating disorder clinic on campus. Either way I'll start getting the help I need.
I can't say I feel happy, I think it will be a long time until I do but I feel such a HUGE sense of relief and like this giant weight has been lifted on my shoulders. Between AA meetings, the girls I've met there and finally being HONEST with my parent and other people I feel like I'm no longer carrying my burden alone, I'm letting other people help me.
I've always struggled with letting others in, with asking for help, with telling people what I NEED. I've always just used alcohol or starving myself or drugs or other self destructive behavior as an attempt not to need anyone else. For the first time I'm telling people what I need and trying to take care of me, it's scary to stop lying and to come clean and to say I'm broken I can't do this I'm not okay I need help but it's the only way to get the help I need.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I have been directed not to highlight/bold/increase font size on peoples posts but I'm going out on a limb just this one time.
Keep it up !! All the best.
Bob R.
Keep it up !! All the best.
Bob R.
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
1 week today! I had a HORRIBLE craving last night and I was SO close to drinking but I didn't!
Took some positive steps!
Went to a discussion meeting this morning & raised my hand when they asked about topics & asked for one of the topis to be about early recovery & dealing with anxiety and everyone shared their experiences and it was super helpful! I seriously need to go to meetings every day because I feel so much better afterwards!
Then I actually shared today in AA instead of just passing and a bunch of people came up to me after the meeting to congratulate me on one week, offer me more numbers, encouraged me to keep coming back and promised it would get better.
I also made some calls with my therapist to a Dual Diagnoses outpatient program they would deal with my alcoholism, eating disorder and depression, it would be a 3 week day program & a treatment team would set me up with a post-program plan to continue my treatment. I'm just figuring out the logistics, such as insurance and weather or not I qualify for the program.
The therapist I am seeing not is through my college and doesn't do long-term therapy but has agreed to act as my case manager to see that I get the help I need. If this dual diagnosis doesn't work out she is going to refer me to a therapist off campus as well a the eating disorder clinic on campus. Either way I'll start getting the help I need.
I can't say I feel happy, I think it will be a long time until I do but I feel such a HUGE sense of relief and like this giant weight has been lifted on my shoulders. Between AA meetings, the girls I've met there and finally being HONEST with my parent and other people I feel like I'm no longer carrying my burden alone, I'm letting other people help me.
I've always struggled with letting others in, with asking for help, with telling people what I NEED. I've always just used alcohol or starving myself or drugs or other self destructive behavior as an attempt not to need anyone else. For the first time I'm telling people what I need and trying to take care of me, it's scary to stop lying and to come clean and to say I'm broken I can't do this I'm not okay I need help but it's the only way to get the help I need.
Took some positive steps!
Went to a discussion meeting this morning & raised my hand when they asked about topics & asked for one of the topis to be about early recovery & dealing with anxiety and everyone shared their experiences and it was super helpful! I seriously need to go to meetings every day because I feel so much better afterwards!
Then I actually shared today in AA instead of just passing and a bunch of people came up to me after the meeting to congratulate me on one week, offer me more numbers, encouraged me to keep coming back and promised it would get better.
I also made some calls with my therapist to a Dual Diagnoses outpatient program they would deal with my alcoholism, eating disorder and depression, it would be a 3 week day program & a treatment team would set me up with a post-program plan to continue my treatment. I'm just figuring out the logistics, such as insurance and weather or not I qualify for the program.
The therapist I am seeing not is through my college and doesn't do long-term therapy but has agreed to act as my case manager to see that I get the help I need. If this dual diagnosis doesn't work out she is going to refer me to a therapist off campus as well a the eating disorder clinic on campus. Either way I'll start getting the help I need.
I can't say I feel happy, I think it will be a long time until I do but I feel such a HUGE sense of relief and like this giant weight has been lifted on my shoulders. Between AA meetings, the girls I've met there and finally being HONEST with my parent and other people I feel like I'm no longer carrying my burden alone, I'm letting other people help me.
I've always struggled with letting others in, with asking for help, with telling people what I NEED. I've always just used alcohol or starving myself or drugs or other self destructive behavior as an attempt not to need anyone else. For the first time I'm telling people what I need and trying to take care of me, it's scary to stop lying and to come clean and to say I'm broken I can't do this I'm not okay I need help but it's the only way to get the help I need.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry I missed your post yesterday. I'm relieved that you're getting into a program for duel dx. 3 days a week and a light class schedule sounds like a much more feasible plan.
congrats on your first of many sober weeks.
(my daughter just started grad school, she's a few years older than you, but her schedule is crazy)
congrats on your first of many sober weeks.
(my daughter just started grad school, she's a few years older than you, but her schedule is crazy)
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Thanks all!
I certainly feel like I have a lot more clarity.
At the same time I am trying to deal with all the emotions I've spent so long numbing with alcohol. I think my most difficult is my anger toward my EXABF when I was drinking I felt very "soft" and not angry and now that I'm not drinking a lot of anger about his drug use is surfacing...I know I need to practice acceptance here. Maybe the anger is good but I am finding that quite conflicting! For some reason I find myself not wanting to be angry but I have every right to be don't it?
I didn't go to a meeting today because it took me 4.5 hours to get home to Boston, Yay Mass Pike holiday traffic! I should have definitely gone but after sitting on a bus for almost 5 hours I really didn't want to get on another one! There is NO risk of me drinking tonight I just would have felt better if I did go.
I am feeling sad tonight. All my friends are at a bar celebrating Oct birthdays. I was supposed to be apart of it but I decided not to go. I just feel really lonely and isolated and am thinking is is how life is going to be from now on =(
But I am happy to know I won't black out tonight and I won't wake up hung over. I know I made the right choice. It just feels lonely ya know?
Also to the people who have PM'd me I am catching up on replies! I am exhausted tonight but I promise I will reply to you guy soon, not ignoring any of you! <3
I certainly feel like I have a lot more clarity.
At the same time I am trying to deal with all the emotions I've spent so long numbing with alcohol. I think my most difficult is my anger toward my EXABF when I was drinking I felt very "soft" and not angry and now that I'm not drinking a lot of anger about his drug use is surfacing...I know I need to practice acceptance here. Maybe the anger is good but I am finding that quite conflicting! For some reason I find myself not wanting to be angry but I have every right to be don't it?
I didn't go to a meeting today because it took me 4.5 hours to get home to Boston, Yay Mass Pike holiday traffic! I should have definitely gone but after sitting on a bus for almost 5 hours I really didn't want to get on another one! There is NO risk of me drinking tonight I just would have felt better if I did go.
I am feeling sad tonight. All my friends are at a bar celebrating Oct birthdays. I was supposed to be apart of it but I decided not to go. I just feel really lonely and isolated and am thinking is is how life is going to be from now on =(
But I am happy to know I won't black out tonight and I won't wake up hung over. I know I made the right choice. It just feels lonely ya know?
Also to the people who have PM'd me I am catching up on replies! I am exhausted tonight but I promise I will reply to you guy soon, not ignoring any of you! <3
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