Jade1224

I am a binge drinker.
It has taken me awhile to figure out what I am because I never believed I was truly an alcoholic.
I don't drink every day - although I would like to but it gives me depression for two or three days after. I have a feeling of guilt after I drink because i KNOW i drink too much. After the first drink it's very hard to stop. Sometimes I drink heavily for three or four days and then stop for a week.

Three years ago I was an alcoholic for about 8 months. Taking shots of liquor from about 11am to night time. I went through alcohol poisoning and then withdrawals. It scared me and embarrassed me so bad that I drank responsibly for three years after that.

So I'm not sure why the last few months I have been binge drinking. I seem to forget the horrible things I went through three years ago. I feel like if I don't get a grip on it now, it will get out of control. i would like to go back to drinking responsibly - during those three years I wasn't an alcoholic. i didnt need it and I was content with one or two drinks. I wish I wasn't going back to the way I used to be.

Dee74

Hi Jade

I've been a binger, and an all day everyday drinker, at various points in my life.

I look at both behaviours as different points on the same continuum, I'm afraid.

The only way I found to break the cycle for good was to remove alcohol from my life entirely.

Are you open to that idea, Jade?

D

MrsKing

Welcome to SR, Jade.

Your post really got to me. You remind me so much of myself six months ago.

Coming here to SR taught me so much. I saw myself as just a binge drinker before I arrived here - someone who just needed to learn how to control their drinking. I was the same as you - after I took that first drink, my desire to drink more and more was huge and despite my best intentions to only have one or two before I started drinking, that never happened unless my husband took me home and basically locked me in, ha!

Talking to the wonderful people here at SR has made me realise that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to drink again. I know that is probably quite a scary thing to hear right now (because you're looking to find a way to go back to how you drank before) but it really isn't scary at all. Understanding and accepting that I will never drink again was the best thing I've ever done. It totally liberated me, and I no longer struggle with thoughts of how much I can drink, when I can drink, how I can drink, what I can drink... there are no more anxieties about future drinking, and I'm not trying to calculate new plans that will help me moderate in the future. I'm free from all of it.

You can be free from it, too. Perhaps the idea of never drinking again is too much for you to think about right now, but why not try stopping for 90 days? I found SR when I was two months sober and though I was toying with the idea of never drinking again, I hadn't fully accepted that. Once you have a good period of sobriety behind you, you may find that the benefits are so great that the idea of drinking again is a bad one. You may also find that you relate to many people here... that your idea of what an alcoholic is changes. There is so much to be learnt on these boards, and for me the most significant thing was that I related to so many of the people here... I was exactly the same as them, and it didn't matter how much I drank, or when I drank - what mattered was that alcohol was causing much anguish in my life and I was far, far better off without it.

I hope you read around lots here and get to know us all. I've been sober almost six months now and life is so much better... I'm the happiest I've ever been. Everyone here is very supportive and willing to share and advise and I hope you find all that I have here.

Wishing you all the best.

Lionhearted1

Hi, it also took me a long time to believe i was an alcoholic too i have been through the same doubts and reservations alot of us have. one thing from your post is you say you used to be an alcoholic, you are or you are not just like you are allergic to nuts or you are not! its a disease that never cures itself no amount of abstince will help cure it because if you drink again the same results will happen! although that sounds negative its extremely important to understand because without truly excepting it you are likely to drink again. your feelings are quite typical of alcoholic alot of us felt overly remorseful & guilty as well, normal moderate drinkers do not have them feelings around booze. good luck on your journey! god bless!

myhappyproject

Well said MrsKing!

Not much to add to what MrsKing has already outlined for you. Wishing you the very best and welcome to SR.

ChrisC11

Hey, I'm a binge drinker too. After being sober for 2 wonderful days, I broke down and drank 2 bottles of wine. I feel like **** today, hung over, fat and puffy, bloated, slit eyes, tired and broken. I don't want to feel this way anymore! I have to recognize that I can't drink at all. Whenever I start to feel bad about something, I turn to alcohol and I have to learn to deal with it in another way. I haven't found that way yet but I'm looking. I am going to a meeting at noon today and I am sure that will help.

MrsKing

Today is a new day, Chris... it can be the start of a new sober life for you.

Jade1224

thanks msking, I feel better and I do think I'm going to do 90 days sober and see how I feel. wow, I'm already having regrets about saying that. I do believe eventually I can have a few drinks and quit. i've done it many times before. however, right now in this time in my life it's dangerous. i'm not sure whats causing me to binge drink. the truth is, if i'm really honest with myself after the second drink, i realize i dont EVEN WANT ONE! it's like having a third piece of chocolate cake. i know i'm not even going to enjoy it.


i have heard people say this and it must be true for most people but what about others? i read a post on here where a girl asked a question of "does it get easier?" and a bunch of people stated that they don't even want to drink anymore. can't alcoholism be cured? i don't believe people that are 20 years sober are walking around thinking about a beer all day... are they? please clarify! thanks

Jade1224

chris, i drank a bottle of wine and a beer last night. i mixed them together. it was gross but i kept drinking it. i woke up this morning at 2am with the cold sweats, and i caused myself to have an anxiety attack.
i went online to research binge drinking and i got to this site and i'm glad i did. I also tried to quit about three days ago. That's when i realized I probably need to get more serious help. So we are going through the same thing! dont get discouraged. we relapsed but we realize that it sucks and now we can stop again. good luck

MrsKing

I don't want to drink... I very, very rarely have thoughts of drinking and would never act upon them. There is no worry in my mind that I will drink again, because I know I won't. But that's the thing... I think to get to that point, you do have to accept that you will never drink again, and then do exactly that. I would say that I no longer have a problem with alcohol... I choose not to drink... but the fact I no longer have a problem with alcohol does not mean that I will then allow myself to drink because of that... I've 'cured' myself because I've chosen to never drink again and I never will. Maybe it can be cured to the extent that people who have been sober for a long period of time can go back to drinking in moderation, but I'm never personally going to take that risk to test it out.

I'm glad you feel better and I'm glad you've decided to be sober for 90 days. Whilst you're doing that, I hope you stick around here and read and post lots - there is so much to be learned here. That regret you feel about saying you're going to be sober for 90 days is coming from your addictive voice... not you... if you want to learn more about recognising your addictive voice and separating yourself from it, then you can check out AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique), it really helped me to understand that any thoughts or desires for alcohol was from a separate part of my brain, and that I didn't have to act upon those thoughts. Acknowledging those thoughts for what they were and letting them go really, really helps in quietening it.

ReadyAndAble

I don't want to drink anymore. At all. Yuck. But that's in large part due to accepting, even embracing, that I cannot drink again. I tried over and over to moderate, just have a drink now and then. But you know what? I didn't even enjoy it. It took so much control, so much mental effort. The more I restrained myself, the more obsessed I became with it. And I realized that pattern would never go away—unless I just let go of drinking altogether.

That was almost unimaginable to me at first. Never drink again? How would I relax after a stressful day? Have fun when out with friends? Not drinking at my daughter's wedding? That's insane! Keep in mind my daughter was 6 years old when I quit—that's how obsessed I had become about alcohol, inventing the most ridiculous reasons to drink at some point in the future.

Then I began to realize I was struggling to hold onto something that didn't exist. A fantasy about nice, cold, consequence-free booze. In reality, alcohol made me depressed. It caused me to isolate. It brought pain and regret and disappointment. The fact I had so much trouble letting go was, itself, evidence of my addiction. I wasn't afraid to live life without alcohol when I was a child or a teenager—so what had changed? Me. I changed. And if I did it once, I could do it again.

So can you. I'm glad you've decided to take a look at your drinking now. Good for you.

Lionhearted1

Sorry the point i was making about the nut allergy is if you are alcoholic you will always be alcoholic, does not mean you will always be thinking about alcohol thats a big difference!! One is physiological and ones Psychological.!

RobbyRobot

Hi Jade,

Welcome to SR!

Great advice in this thread from good solid people.

People with advanced years of quality sobriety are not spending any time thinking about wanting to drink, although its really all about quality of sobriety, and not quantity. Many persons with under a year have awesome quality sobriety, and sometimes persons with many years have nothing but time served, like as in prison sentence...

Most people though won't put up with lousy sobriety for long, and so they either change it up for the better, or return to drinking sooner than later.

Quality is really aquired through life experience though, and we all know it when it happens, and when it dosen't, we know it too, so its best not to judge ourselves by what we think of others, and so on...

I've been sober for years, and I'm not concerned whatsoever about drinking or whatever, lol. And my life is exciting, happy, and productive without drinking. Good friends aplenty. Lotsa responsibilites to be loving of others and of service too. Its a good life and still going strong!

You'll love sobriety!

NewBeginning010

Hi Jade,

I just wanted to say hello & wish you well on this journey. You have found a great site here with awesome people ready to help out in any way they can.

I used to be once in a while binge drinker & then the once in a while turned to often & things started to get unmanageable (the drinking & hangovers). This is a progressive disease & things unfortunately will only get worse (if you keep drinking).

It can be scary when you first start to think about never drinking again but after a while it is quite liberating. Here is an article on Kindling & how/why things progress & get worse the longer we drink.... especially for us "Binge" drinkers. I hope you find something of value in it.

http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...22-1/25-34.pdf

Take care & keep posting/reading here on SR, it really helps.

Cheers ~ NB

HotmessAZ

I have been reading these posts and threads every time I am kicking myself for going on a binge.. Finally I have had enough to come to the realization that I CANNOT keep up this destructive behavior. I was hoping for some advice from someone who can relate & offer their story as well. I am sure this type of post has been written a 1000x's, but I think I am writing it because I am being honest with myself for once.

I really did some damage a few years ago. I moved out of country and my only obligation was to travel and this really became my drinking spiral. I literally was drinking a 1/2-1 bottle of vodka daily for a year (I am a 28 -110lb female). I had such a bad withdrawal eposide, that I called my friend in the states telling him there are people in my house trying to get me, and I hid in the corner for 3 days dealing with what most-likely was a serious life-threatening situation. I quit drinking and thought, man that was a really low time in my life. So, two years go by and within the past 4 months have binged 3 different occasions, nothing like the past but still thinking I can have a few drinks becomes 3 bottles of wine Friday-Sunday. I am extremely active, run 20 miles a week, eat amazingly..but I continue this behavior like clockwork every two-three weekends, then I am out for the first half of the week. I am so disappointed in myself and I literally have withdrawal symptoms after the 2-3 days which obviously my body is telling me something serious. So, today is day 3 AGAIN. What are the next steps after this? To make this my last " again, day 3" and how do you go about talking to a doctor about your past and the damage that this may have caused? Again, I am in terrific shape, my physical, cholesterol, Blood pressure- all immaculate. Thanks kindly for listening

binger33

Like many above have already said, alcoholism isn't a thing that comes and goes. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I'm about at the stage that you are right now. The prospect of never drinking again is frightening and completely foreign. Looking ahead down the road years and years and thinking I CAN NEVER DRINK AGAIN is such a daunting prospect. But deep down I know that's all I can do if i want to live a normal life. Let me ask you this: After your period of accepted alcoholism three years ago, did you not find it hard to drink moderately? Was it a constant struggle to put down the drink after you were sufficiently drunk? Be honest. Because I have tried to prove to myself that I can drink like a normal person, and have actually been able to for periods of time. But its not easy. It actually is really shittty and causes me anxiety. It's physical and I can't help it. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could still drink that badly. It was my alcoholism coming in through the back door. If that was the case for you than I think you know the nature of your problems. I hope for you the best of luck. I'd hate to see you go back to the binging and regret of the past.

HotmessAZ

Obviously when I am not drinking.. Then I am just a train wreak

HotmessAZ

Binger: Your exactly correct. And Quite honestly that made me tear up. I am fine having a glass or even being the dd, but once I start it really takes over. I am not stronger than my addiction yet (and probably will never be) so I know what I have to do. Thank you for the luck wishes, I think it'll be wise to read these posts occasionally and not
when its too late

Jade1224

I actually didnt find it hard to drink moderately. thats why i am so confused as to why i am going back to my old patterns. i believe its because i went back to drinking shots. i like the instant gratification. i like to chug my wine now too when i know it's supposed to be sipped. i probably just forgot about how much i like the rush of it.

its possible for me to have a few drinks, i just have to WANT to have a few drinks. lately i have been drinking to get drunk. the other night i made the decision to drink responsibly and i did. i had one margarita and one beer over the course of 4 hours. it wasnt hard to do but sometimes i just want to get wasted and then i cant help it.

Jade1224

hotmess - i cannot have any kind of liquor at home because i know i will drink half the bottle. same with wine. thats the worst part because i LOVE wine with my food. i'm a great cook and i often drink wine while i'm cooking and that's when i crave it the most. when i'm out and about i am pretty responsible because i hate making a fool out of myself in front of other people or not being able to drive. its the drinking at home that gets me.