Non-Alcoholic partner drinking bother you?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
That's what's foxing to me; she attends Al-Anon, loves it, and has a terrific sponsor she does step work with. Heck, my partner reads more of her Tan Book than I do from my Big Book. She loves recovery and it's a prominent subject that we both enjoy discussing. She's even been to half a dozen or so open AA meetings and listens to AA speaker podcasts.
To top it off, we're both researchers whose backgrounds allow us to understand the physiology and psychology of addiction and co-dependence.
I feel like saying "You know I'm an addict. You understand what addiction is. You know my triggers because we've discussed them. You're happier with me and have acknowledged you MUCH prefer the sober and happy me. You know I'm still struggling with cravings. You're in your own recovery program. I described how you could offer support to my recovery, and you happily agreed to do that. So why the F are you not doing that?!"
To top it off, we're both researchers whose backgrounds allow us to understand the physiology and psychology of addiction and co-dependence.
I feel like saying "You know I'm an addict. You understand what addiction is. You know my triggers because we've discussed them. You're happier with me and have acknowledged you MUCH prefer the sober and happy me. You know I'm still struggling with cravings. You're in your own recovery program. I described how you could offer support to my recovery, and you happily agreed to do that. So why the F are you not doing that?!"
Empty wine bottles all over the kitchen counter is not doing you any favours either. Wether you or her gets rid of them, they have to go. For me even after 14 years I'd be heating those babys up to get the last few drops out of them. So they really can not be allowed to accumulate!
By the way you're doing great at close to a year good for you, keep up the good work.
I may be wrong, but what I read in this is that she has a problem, she knows she has a problem, she is trying to help herself, but she is finding it hard to admit openly that she has a problem.
Empty wine bottles all over the kitchen counter is not doing you any favours either. Wether you or her gets rid of them, they have to go. For me even after 14 years I'd be heating those babys up to get the last few drops out of them. So they really can not be allowed to accumulate!
By the way you're doing great at close to a year good for you, keep up the good work.
Empty wine bottles all over the kitchen counter is not doing you any favours either. Wether you or her gets rid of them, they have to go. For me even after 14 years I'd be heating those babys up to get the last few drops out of them. So they really can not be allowed to accumulate!
By the way you're doing great at close to a year good for you, keep up the good work.
She's not an alcoholic, in my opinion. The wine bottles accumulate because she (and I, frankly) is absent minded and don't keep the cleanest of houses. At any given time, there'll be 3-4 empty bottles sitting out. One's 5 days old, the other 15 days, the other 25 days, the other 40 days. They "decorate" our kitchen as if they're to be used as part of some homemade decoration. The rule is that if she wants to have wine, she can throw out the bottles.
The exchange goes like this:
Me: "Hey hun, can you throw the wine bottles in the recycling bin?"
Her: "Sure thing, I just forgot because of X, Y, and Z. I'll take care of it in a bit."
They're still sitting out on the counter the next day, and that conversation repeats for another ten or so days until the task is completed. Maddening.
It doesn't bother me in moderation but it does if he gets drunk.
It was sunny this afternoon so we nipped into a beer garden, he had a pint and I didn't even have a soft drink. He's bough himself some Cider and is watching TV.
I did smell his poured pint though !
I don't feel like drinking.
Also, my friend who is a massive drinker came around before to borrow a phone from me. I offered her a camomile tea - she said 'oh my god mate what's happened to you'! She has huge bags under her eyes, is shaky, still hungover from last night where she blacked out and doesnt remember anything from 10pm!
I dont miss it at all!
It was sunny this afternoon so we nipped into a beer garden, he had a pint and I didn't even have a soft drink. He's bough himself some Cider and is watching TV.
I did smell his poured pint though !
I don't feel like drinking.
Also, my friend who is a massive drinker came around before to borrow a phone from me. I offered her a camomile tea - she said 'oh my god mate what's happened to you'! She has huge bags under her eyes, is shaky, still hungover from last night where she blacked out and doesnt remember anything from 10pm!
I dont miss it at all!
I don't miss being in the state your friend was in this morning. That's a desperate place to be.
Also, I'm a big fan of chamomile
Well. I've left it up to my girlfriend of 10 months so far to decide whether she drinks in front of me or not. The fact being she rarely drinks. She doesn't like the fact that it alters your mind and she would like to be in full control of her body and mouth. She knows of my alcoholism but she loves me for everything I am today. Sober for a full year and a month now I don't worry about wanting to drink myself bringing me to tell her she is more then welcome to have an alcoholic beverage if we're at family functions, social events if she would like one even if i'm there. She's very kind and told me that she wouldn't want to drink in front of me she feels uncomfortable to drink in front of me in the first place, she feels why drink in front of me? When I'm not drinking she sees no point in doing so but when shes out with her friends for a few hours she doesn't mind having just 1 drink for the night, the rest she usually buys a lemonade.
I started recovering in 12/11. I lived with a husband who drinks his craft beers (2 on work nights, 4 on weekends). He is very controlled with his drinking. Only rarely appears intoxicated. I believed for a while that this would be OK, and that I could still get sober.
But, after continuing to struggle with maintaining sobriety, I finally decided that I needed to move out and live on my own. I realized that it was more than just alcohol in the house, and alcohol being involved in our social activities that was dangerous to me. I became very scared that I was destined to be a chronic relapser, and suffer through going through earlier recovery over, and over, and over again.
Changing people, places and things really hit home. In our 23 years together, alcohol was a huge factor. He has managed to continue to be a moderate drinker, but I finally went over to the alcoholic side, and won't be able to go back.
It became clear to me that the new sober life that I needed to build for myself wouldn't be possible while still living in my old life. I moved out 3 weeks ago. There were other issues in our marriage of course, but we have been happy together for the majority of the time. The bottom line is I'm not the same person anymore. He was not willing or able to make the changes I needed to be able to succeed in recovery.
My alcholism is my issue, not his. But I finally accepted that recovery has to be my biggest priority, even at the cost of losing my marriage. Without recovery, I still would have eventually lost my marriage, and much, much more.
But, after continuing to struggle with maintaining sobriety, I finally decided that I needed to move out and live on my own. I realized that it was more than just alcohol in the house, and alcohol being involved in our social activities that was dangerous to me. I became very scared that I was destined to be a chronic relapser, and suffer through going through earlier recovery over, and over, and over again.
Changing people, places and things really hit home. In our 23 years together, alcohol was a huge factor. He has managed to continue to be a moderate drinker, but I finally went over to the alcoholic side, and won't be able to go back.
It became clear to me that the new sober life that I needed to build for myself wouldn't be possible while still living in my old life. I moved out 3 weeks ago. There were other issues in our marriage of course, but we have been happy together for the majority of the time. The bottom line is I'm not the same person anymore. He was not willing or able to make the changes I needed to be able to succeed in recovery.
My alcholism is my issue, not his. But I finally accepted that recovery has to be my biggest priority, even at the cost of losing my marriage. Without recovery, I still would have eventually lost my marriage, and much, much more.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1
I came across this and I really needed it. I have been sober for a year and a half and I still get weird when my boyfriend of 2 years drinks - with me around or not. I need to remind myself that this is a jealous thing, for me anyways. To have 1-3 beers during a hockey game would be great, but I can NOT drink normally.
There isn't really a 100% solution for this. I have found that when I call my sponsor, and turn it over to my HP, I feel better. I know for a fact that if I drink, my life will absolutely get worse. Sometimes, situations like this makes me want to try again but I need to play the tape all the way through.
Just know that you are not alone.. ^ clearly.
There isn't really a 100% solution for this. I have found that when I call my sponsor, and turn it over to my HP, I feel better. I know for a fact that if I drink, my life will absolutely get worse. Sometimes, situations like this makes me want to try again but I need to play the tape all the way through.
Just know that you are not alone.. ^ clearly.
My husband (who I'm separated from now) doesn't drink or do anything else. He used to a long time ago. I've been married to him for 13 years. He didnt mind me drinking at first, but my habit got intolerable for him (which looking back at some of my actions, I blame only myself) We've been separated for over a year now. Sleep in different beds.
I'm as sure as I can be that she doesn't drink like an alcoholic and she doesn't any of the obvious character traits of an alcoholic.
IMOO, I actually think she does not want to admit it , but she is in denial, and trying to control her drinking, so you don't think she is an alcoholic.
I think before I make any hasty decisions, I need to verbally communicate boundaries. Once that's done, it's on her plate to respond. Based on that, I'll have the information I need to know to decide whether this is a relationship that's compatible with the environment that's not disruptive to my recovery.
IMOO, I actually think she does not want to admit it , but she is in denial, and trying to control her drinking, so you don't think she is an alcoholic.
I think before I make any hasty decisions, I need to verbally communicate boundaries. Once that's done, it's on her plate to respond. Based on that, I'll have the information I need to know to decide whether this is a relationship that's compatible with the environment that's not disruptive to my recovery.
Hi MWL,
Everyone handles their relationship with their partner in a different way, and there is no wrong or right. Only what you feelings and needs are for their support. If they cannot meet them I think we would rather think they are in denial of their own problems than to think they just don care, and will continue to dishonor our agreements.
When you love someone it is hard to see the "forest thru the trees"--our heart leads us. When we are in recovery we need our HEAD to lead us, not easy I know, but YOUR NEEDS HAVE TO COME FIRST---not out of selfishness but survival.
Stop making excuses for her and set boundaries.
I will say this--When I got sober my husband continued to have his 2 drinks before dinner every night, and if we went to party's with an open bar I could count on getting him out of there after the first hour, because he would be drunk. We have been married for 25 years, and are still very much in love.
BUT........that is because when I decided to get sober I decided I could not ask the world to do the same. So suck it up and deal with the drinking around you---apparently it worked for me----but that was me and I think I am pretty much alone in this way of thinking.
Good Luck finding the right balance.
Sincerely,
TrixMixer
Your headed down a slippery slope. You have a good woman there bro i can tell nothing is broken and your lookn to fix it anyway. and now your just having an itch for some control. We are human and its a natural itch. But seriously dude just let it go bro. Like water off a ducks back my friend. Breath in then out and Let it go.
My husband drinks, often, and instead of dwelling on it, I tell him to not talk about it. He rarely goes out with friends, but enjoys staying home, and relaxing with cocktails. I've asked him to put it in a different glass, make drinks when I'm doing something else, hes even put it in a coffee mug so I couldnt see what it was. Sometimes I can tell hes been drinking, sometimes not, but he never flaunts it in front of me. I know this makes it sound like I am in denial or he is hiding it, but just telling you what has worked for us
I met my wife to be after being sober a few years. Will occasionally drink. I've never seen her drunk. She even has the audacity to leave a drink half undrunk. For some reason leaving half a drink bothers me more than her having a drink.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
My wife likes to party and she never asked me to quit drinking. I know that she doesn't like having to buy her own wine. I don't care about her drinking but I really don't like paying for or shopping for wine. It was the only form of alcohol that I ever drank properly and I guess I miss (the idea of) it.
Quitting had huge effects on the marriage. I'm still figuring it out. If I wasn't strapped into the house/kids/security thing, if she was just a girlfriend I don't know if it would have worked out.
Quitting had huge effects on the marriage. I'm still figuring it out. If I wasn't strapped into the house/kids/security thing, if she was just a girlfriend I don't know if it would have worked out.
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