Lou2

Ok, so I'm an alcoholic - was 18 months sober. Been close to death, lost job, lost family blah blah, could not 'not drink' until I came to work steps. Found the obsession and craving faded not long after doing steps 5-7. Had an amazing few months and then the last two months it started going down hill pretty quickly. I was 16 months sober when the financial strains, & changes in living circumstances & the struggle with disordered eating, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts all came back in the foreground. I have a history of bulimia and that has been my main focus in the last two months on a daily basis. I convinced myself it wasn't an issue because I wasn't drinking but i started to hate myself again and not do the maintenance steps at night. Gratitude went out the window and I started re-searching why god could not exist. There were no thoughts of drinking until two days ago when 'low and behold' impulse decision. I used a natural remedy for anxiety that is preserved in alcohol. Drank it (dose of 5 drops) but then 1 hr later finished bottle (50ml). Probably equivalent to a shot of alcohol. Now I have just drunk another bottle (anxiety mix) plus finished off 100ml of japanese mirin (15% alcohol) that I always knew was in the cupboard but said didn't mater. Seriously it came from nowhere the impulse. Instant release from the depression and anxiety of last few weeks in these drinks but the guilt is there enormously and I can't stop thinking about when I will do it next. I drink I die. I know that. I know where it takes me & I'm bloody only here by the grace of god today. But I don't know how to be, I'm a wreck without alcohol at the moment & oh my gosh this bit of booze feels good again. It's a situation where there is no help to be had, I can't show my face in AA, I don't want their 'keep coming back', I can't tell my partner who is in recovery, or my sponser, and I can't live with lying...or the AA guilt/shame. I can't speak to God either who clearly know's I'm a bloody loser and not worth the effort.

Sorry, what a vent. I guess I would like to know before its too late, is there anyone you can suggest I can talk to? My partner will find out eventually when I **** up both our lives, my sponsor will tell me to pray and take me to a meeting. Is there anyone else I can turn to who will listen who I don't have to receive answers from? (I do the prayer thing but not convinced I would listen to me if I was god).

Justfor1

The best option now is stop now before it gets out of control. I would only tell people who you feel comfortable with.

2granddaughters

You can do all the things above and I suggest you do it ASAP (Step 10).
You'll get over the embarrassment in short order... how did you fall? Did you stop going to meetings?

All the best.

Bob R

Lou2

mm the issue is that there is no one i feel comfortable with. My partner will be home in an hour, i'm barely functional but will try to pull it together so he doesn't know, i cannot tell anyone from aa, i want to escape. i don't want partner to see me like this and suspect. i can't lie so if he asks i will say i've been drinking. i just want to die in shame..

Lou2

yes my meetings fell from daily to twice weekly. Mostly because I knew things weren't going well for me and i didn't feel comfortable sharing the truth.. i didn't want to share at all

tomsteve

lou, GOD does not think you are a loser!!!! if you feel the God of your understanding thinks you are a loser, then its time to get another God,one who is compassinate, caring, and will help you with all of your problems, like the one AA has taught you about.
nobody else thinks yer a loser either! you are justa sick man.

AA does not give guilt and shame, that is the disease tellin you that. dont let it!
the disease is also telling you there is no help to be had. it is a liar!

" (I do the prayer thing but not convinced I would listen to me if I was god). "
isnt it great that you arent God!

"yes my meetings fell from daily to twice weekly. Mostly because I knew things weren't going well for me and i didn't feel comfortable sharing the truth.. i didn't want to share at all "

is there a possibility the problem lies in this statement? and if so, then possibly the solution may be
"i decided to go back to meetings and go to at least 2 a week and get some courage to tell the truth about what is goin on with me and let God work through someone else to help me find the solution by working the steps."

you dont have to be miserable if you dont want to and i truly hope you dont want to be miserable. sobriety rocks, even when i have to trudge!

2granddaughters

In what way were things not going well ?

Lou2

Ok, thanks for talking to me. You are good people for responding to threads like this. I just didn't want to leave without talking to someone. Nothing would have changed the outcome but I leave feeling less alone. Goodbye & thank you. May god give you courage.. your word, your stories have strength. Know that..and never stop trying to change the outcome xoxo

tomsteve

lou, we want to see you change yer outcome! we want to see you get weller! we are all here for ya and will help you best we can, if you want the help and will put in the footwork

prayers yer way and hope to hear from ya real soon.

muvinon

My bottom was filled with "I can't tell this or that" and, yet, when I did, it was such a relief. Honesty really was just a symptom of finally knowing that I really wanted the insanity to stop badly enough to stop posing as something other who and what I really am.

You matter. You matter more than a relationship or what anyone thinks.

Jeni26

Lou, don't give up! You are NOT a loser. You are fully deserving of support and love and you can get through this. I listen to people at meetings with a lot longer than 18 months sobriety share their relapses and they are never shown anything but kindness and compassion.
Please make the right choices here. You deserve a sober happy life. Xx

sugarbear1

It took me 25 years of going in and out of AA. I relapsed more than, well, I just kept relapsing and returning.

Read Ernest Kurtz Guilt & Shame (Shame & Guilt?) book. It can help you. No one will judge you in AA. They will help you to keep staying stopped, if you want to stay sober.

If you kept those things in your home, most likely you were planning a relapse from day 1... we do that stuff.

Stick around SR!! I spent almost 7 years lurking on here before I got the courage up to type anything.

Keep trying!! You can stay stopped again.

With love and big hugs,

EternalQ

If I was in your exact situation, and I came to you, what would you tell me?

"Lou, what should I do? I am a loser who doesn't deserve any compassion from anyone. I want to die in shame from what I've done. I don't deserve forgiveness or help. Even God would be wasting his time on me, Lou. I don't know what to do, Lou. Am I hopeless?"

What comes to your mind?

CarolD

Welcome...

I do hope yoou will check back in with us....many of our members
are useing various ways to keep their sobreity....

AA is not the only way....and perhaps looking into something else
would be a good idea Lou