rosetyler

All this week I have been fighting the horrible guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The last time I went out drinking I got to the blackout stage but in between I have some hazy memories and they are mostly bad. I am trying to forgive myself and move on, but I am finding it very hard to do. I wish there were someone else I needed forgiveness from and a part of me wants to confess what I think happened to my partner. But deep down I know that it would just cause them unnecessary pain and that they should not have to suffer more from my past drunken mistakes. I just keep blaming myself and hating the person I am when I am drunk. Part of me feels that deep down I am a horrible person and that I do not deserve to be with such a wonderful person.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can forgive myself and move on from my mistakes?

Dee74

Hi Rose

I think forgiveness is a process, no matter whether we're being forgiven, forgiving others or forgiving ourselves.

The first thing I needed to accept was that the past was gone, I couldn't change it and what's done is done.

I know that hard, but we need to let go in order to move on.

The remorse energy is way better spent in building a new life, and making sure we do the right thing from now on.

Like I say, it's a process, but I found a few days of living right, doing good, maybe helping some others, can really help to start to change our perspective on ourselves and who we are

D

doggonecarl

Two quotes, I hope they help:

"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." - Bryant H. McGill


"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." - Louis B. Smedes

Mark75

You will find both of what Carl mentioned... though, you may need to get recovered first... Here is a prayer that you will find all of that!

2granddaughters

12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous


All the best.

Bob R

bbthumper

Not sure if you are involved in AA or not, but I found forgiveness for myself through the process of the 12steps.

freshstart57

I relate to what you are saying too, RosyTyler. I certainly made a mess of so many things. Forgiveness is something that I thought about for many many hours, hours while I was drinking. I was miserable and very very sad.

The whole world got a lot brighter when I decided to quit drinking. I decided I was going to deal with my regret issues sober instead of a drunken blubbering mess. A wonderful thing happened when I made that choice. I realized that I did not need to forgive myself, as in there there, it's ok now. It was not ok to be like that then, and it is still not ok to be like that now. What was necessary was for me to accept that these things happened, accept them without judgement. They happened, I did that. Now what?

This I feel is the real question for you now, RoseTyler. Now what? You can make of yourself whatever you want to. What will you do? Are you ready to make a plan about ever drinking again?

Sally1009

We have all made terrible drunken mistakes, and have said and done terrible things. And the guilt is awful. The guilt shows we are sorry, though, which is different to doing bad things without remorse. You didnt wish to cause anyone any harm, and wouldn't have done it soberly. So forgive yourself, because guilt can turn toxic, and lead us back to drinking.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

Yes I do remember when my drinking made me feel remorse and guilt. I too was a blackout drinker....and got myself in all sorts of dangerous situations with scummy people.

It's a wonder I was not murdered...

Once I quit drinking...the blackouts stopped immediately
as did the risky
behavior. The remorse and guilt I learned to deal
with by useing the AA Steps and staying away from alcohol.

I do hope you are heading into a sober future...it's really in your
best interest to do so...

onlythetruth

I think most of us find it much easier to forgive ourselves once we have stopped our harmful behaviors. I suspect that will be true of you as well.

NatalieN

Rosetyler the toxicity of guilt trapped me in an endless cycle of alcohol abuse. There is no use for these types of emotions in recovery. To stop the guilt you must stop drinking, there just isn’t any other way. Time will alleviate the guilt/remorse of past deeds, but not drinking will prevent these or worse deeds from happening again.

Don’t spend too much energy nursing these feelings of guilt. Instead, channel the energy into more constructive paths, like designing a plan to keep you sober. There will be no sobriety without a plan. That’s the common thread that makes the thousands and thousands of stories here one and the same.

Best wishes to you on your journey,

Natalie

rosetyler

Thank you to everyone! Your words have been very helpful. I am currently also seeing a counsellor at my school to work through some of these feelings of guilt. It is a tremendous help to have such an understanding community to help me through this time.