tenpastmidnight

Hello, my first ever post so I suppose I should say something profound! Unfortunately, all I can think about is lunch - I'm really hungry!

I think you're amazing in a strange way that you want to look into detail into your (soon to be ex) husbands life. I separated from my wife 9 months ago & dont give her a second thought. I am more important.

I think alcohol probably played a part in my separation but I too could function, but was not interested in doing anything over & above the minimum required. I needed alcohol to become talkative to try & talk more with the wife because otherwise, i was very happy just not saying anything. But she wasnt happy with me not saying anything. And without realising it, I've just blamed her for me drinking too much! Brilliant, I should tell her that one day, once the divorce is settled!

mdh0723

This made so much sense to me. At the same time, it makes me incredibly sad ... the pain, the hurt, the fear, the frustration of feeling this eveyday has to be so draining.

Yep - without his job, he would have nothing. Without me, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, when he wants.

MY AH could say it (and my heart truly believes that he meant it), but he couldn't show it. His emotions were non-existent. When he ended it again in August, he did it over the phone. He went from happily telling me about a house he was possibly going to rent, to telling me he was not an affectionate person and was not going to change for me ever, to telling me that he was hungry and needed to get dinner. I told a GF of mine that if I could have looked in his eyes, there would have been nothing there ... just the shell of a person.

Also during our last conversation, he told me that we just didn't seem to have fun anymore since I no longer drank (I stopped drinking in January 2012). I never said anything about his drinking unless he brought it up, but I can only imagine that me not drinking felt like a threat. Of course, now that I think about, I can relate to that statement - it wasn't a whole lot of fun being sober and watching your AH get plastered and act like a moron - it was a threat to my sanity, that's for sure.

Thank you Threshold for responding to my thread - it did help me. All of the responses have helped me. Hugs to you.

mdh0723

Hi TenPastMidnight - Welcome to SR. You have found a great forum for many reasons. I hope you keep coming back and posting as much as you want.

Do you want to know why I'm still looking into the detail of my STBXH life? Three reasons: 1) I love him - with all my heart. 2) I care about him - with every fiber of my being. 3) I have hope - hope that one day, he will find sobriety. Hope that one day, my phone will ring and it will be my husband, the man I fell in love with, wanting to come home and be with his wife again. Call me crazy, but I will never give up on him. NEVER. Even if that means I have to love him from the sidelines, I will never give up ... I will never not have hope.

I wish you the best.

fourmaggie

I am in Al Anon...and i do go to AA to just listen....

for this quote...i never looked at it this way

dox

I am an alcoholic. When i was drinking it was all about me . . . me . . . me. Even a fair few months into sobriety it was still all about me. It wasn't until my head cleared and I listened in meetings and worked through the twelve steps with a sponsor, that I finally remembered my wife's tears as she told me that we were through.

She was serious and I knew it. Her tears said that much to me at the time. We started to talk about who would have the kids, the house . . . It was then that I realised (I don't know how) that my family was more important to me than drinking. I went back to AA. Mind you, it was still all about me and my needs and wants. When i finally remembered her tears, in an AA meeting, I couldn't hold back mine. They started to well up as I read your story, MDH0723, and they are flowing as I remember what I put her through . . . the woman i love.

We are together now and life . . . is life. She told me recently that i am the kindest man she knows.

This transformation -- selfish SOB to loving, caring husband and father -- was only possible with the help of AA and the grace of my higher power.

I pray that your husband will find the help that he needs . . . soon.

~dox

Threshold

Dox, your story makes me both happy and sad.

My ex boyfriend (this is recent) is a relapsed alcoholic. And when he is drinking (and ofen enough when he is not) he is that selfish, self pitying azhole. I miss him. I mourn him. I started missing and mourning him before we broke up because he had already left me to court beer once again.

I am working on moving forward, which brings with it the letting go. And I want to believe there is hope. I want to believe that in some moment of clarity he will realize that I/us is more important than drinking. And that we will end up together again and build a life. So I read your story and wonder if I should hang in there just a little longer.

But I know that I should move forward with MY life. If, at some point he gets sober and gets into recovery, he can come and court me, and I can see if I love who he is then. But I can't wait hoping for something that might never happen. It's hard to find the balance between hope and moving forward, I have been under the impression that they are mutually exclusive, but I don't think they need to be. I can love him, as I am busy loving myself. I can hope he finds healing, even as I move forward in my own healing. I can HOPE we meet again, and enjoy one another again, while not making my happiness dependent upon that outcome.

whew

liv1ce

Well put dox. I experienced the same cathartic reaction. My wife was taught to not cry in front of others. No tears when her dad died. No tears when her nearest sister died at 16. She wouldn't let me see tears when our son died. When I saw tears over my drug use it broke me in half. Tears well up when I think of that as well.

mdh0723

Dox - Thank you so much for your post today.

As I type this I too am weeping (good one, you made a chic cry ... lol).

I read once that the only thing that mixes with faith is hope. Well ... I have faith and I have a tremendous amount of hope so maybe, just maybe my husband (sober, of course) will come back to me one day.

My Husband doesn't seem to care. He has been the one to leave me every time. It's like he goes through these cylcles every 6 months to a year where he loves me, then loves me a little less, then a little less and then one day he leaves ... and when he leaves I'm always taken by surprise (not sure of anyone else can relate to this?). One small argument will turn into him walking out the door and then telling me it's over, he wants a divorce, doesn't love me anymore - period. End of story. If I want to talk, I'm out of luck because he's made up his mind and there is nothing to say. And when this occurs, he always seems so angry and hateful towards me. It kills me a little more every time. Sometimes I wonder if the cycle I think I see so clearly (where he loves me, then loves me a little less, then a little less and then one day he leaves) is really an internal struggle with himself ... he loves himself less and less until he runs away - runs away from what he thinks the reason is (me/marriage) but is really just trying to escape the reality of his life that haunts him everyday??

Everyone says "he's gifting you", "he's a loser", "he won't change even if he does get sober" ... but I beleive none of that -- what I beleive is that he is very sick and is hurting and that the demon inside of him is winning the battle.

I wish that my husband had someone in his life, such as yourself, that has been in his shoes, that would talk with him ... but he doesn't. I don't necessarily think his family are enablers (they haven't had to bail him out of anything YET), but they are just "hands off", "don't care", "none of my business" type of people. NOT ONCE did they ever reach out to me when I was going through hell when he left me - it was as if I instantly no longer existed in the family. They would never dare confront him about his very apparent alcoholism and he would never admit to them that he's an alcoholic (he only has ever said that to me that I'm aware of). He pretty much works, plays golf, watches sports, surfs the internet (ahem, we won't say what for) and drinks. That's his life. The less social he is, the less responsible he needs to be, the better off he feels, I guess.

I know there is nothing I can do. I know he needs to hit bottom. I know he has to be the one to get help; that I can't do it for him. He has to WANT it. I pray that that day comes sooner rather than later.

Thank you for praying for him.

I'm still amazed at the responses I have received - thank you everyone! Your compassion is not a fact lost on me.

mdh0723

Thank you for sharing that - *HUGS*

mdh0723

liv1ce - that made me weep too - good one.

It IS quite profound what addiction does to someone - even the one that is not the addict.

NYCDoglvr

Your husband is functioning now. But alcoholism is a progressive disease that takes us down. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect his drinking. Love isn't enough to change the course of this disease. It is entirely up to your husband whether he realizes he needs help to stop drinking.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

liv1ce

Mdh0723,

You are obviously a person with feeling and compassion who feels not only for yourself but for others. That makes it hard to understand how anyone could so callously hurt you or another especially when it is someone who is supposed to love you.

I made it more difficult for my wonderful wife and thoughts of that cause me pain to remember. I have been down this road before and I made quite an ass of myself and endangered everything in my callous stupidity. Everyone turned their backs on me then except for her. She knew the good person that was inside the addicted fool and I have since felt that her perseverance and willingness to be the only person willing to stand next to me literally saved my life.

All that made it much the worse betrayal when I took another trip to hell 12 years later. I spent 3 years lying to her and gleefully hiding my addiction to oxy. She found my pills and I said I would quit. I tried to taper and failed miserably. I went on for another year but as the addiction worsened it became obvious that I was lying and hiding and isolating myself from her.

I don't need to win the lottery to be the luckiest man in the world as I am clean and sober yet again and FOR THE LAST TIME.

I have been accused of worsening the plight of many codependent spouses for telling this story and I am sure that she is in a position to be criticized but we are happy together. It is up to me to follow through on the gift that she has given me.

fourmaggie

gosh...i so LOVE this quote...

polaris

I will simply offer that...its not a reflection on YOU. Its a personal problem, and the seeming inability to quit is little to no indication of how much one may care for another.

mdh0723

I have been told this several times (Don't take it personal!) ... hard to grasp though. Thanks for your reply!

sugarbear1

You can find the local AA Intergroup Office number, it's answered by other recovered/recovering alcoholics. If your husband can call or leave his number, a man will return the call and talk with him. It's better if hubby calls, but you are welcome to call and speak with someone!!!

search: aa city state

FlyerFan

Yes I recommend this as well.