AudreyAna

So I was on day 4 and decided at school that I would drink tonight, so I got a 6-pack on the way home and just finished it. It feels so good. But I watched Celebrity Rehab, of course, and realized some things about my alcoholism..

I always feel like no one will take my problems seriously, because when I was really little if I cried and had an emotional outburst, my mom would say I was having a "snit" and that people should ignore it or leave me alone. I felt so neglected.

When I was 17, I was in the car with my mom and I told her that I felt I had a drinking problem, and asked her to lock the alcohol cabinet, and she laughed. She said that her dad was an alcoholic, I wasn't. He died a horrible death, after a liver transplant, and having his jaw replaced and most of his tongue removed.

I have this horrible feeling that part of my addiction is just a selfish need to matter, to be bad enough to require help. When I was a teen I asked my mom several times to put me in a psychiatric hospital, but she wouldn't, because it wouldn't help me, it would probably make me worse. She was right I think, but at that point I just wanted to lose all responsibilities, and have someone fix me.

I sit here, numbly typing this, hoping someone gets it. I don't want to believe that I'm as selfish and damaged as I think I am, but who knows. It's 3am and there's nowhere to get more booze, and I have no money for it anyway...

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

jessd

life does get better if you dont drink.

instant

so what if it is? who is going to do anything about it? will drinking resolve this need and allow you live comfortably?

Get sober, get help?

MrsKing

Nobody can fix you but you, AudreyAna.

People can do things - lock away alcohol, try to stop you going where alcohol is, etc, but the only thing that can change you is you. Many people feel damaged (I definitely did), but feeling and thinking like that usually doesn't help the situation. I'm not saying that you have not been damaged and not been listened to, but what is important now is not how you got here, but how you're going to get yourself out of it.

You don't have to drink any longer, if you don't want to drink. You don't need psychiatric help for that - you just need to make the decision, want it, and commit to it.

I've been sober over five months now and my life has improved so much and I am happier than I've ever been. You can be, too, you just have to give yourself a chance and believe in yourself.

There is so much support and help here. I hope you stick around and post lots - it really does help.

All the best to you.

Sapling

I love how Bill W. describes his bottom in the Big Book...It sounded like me.

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

I think that's when the idea surrendering to win sunk in for me......I was beaten.

lilyrosemary

Hi AudreyAna, you said after a six pack, you "felt so good", but you don't sound like you feel so good. its been my experience and observation that there is a lot of sadness associated with drinking. there is a better life without alcohol. i hope you can find what works for you so you can start having a better and more fulfilling life, sober. God bless you : )