I'm falling....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
I'm falling....
it's been months since I've been on this site....took about 30 minutes to reset my password, possibly because I was in a frenzy. I'm not looking for advice, just want someone to listen. My caption says,"I'm falling." But REALLY, I've already fell. Just short of blacking out again, I'm back to sneaking alcohol. My long term boyfriend works late, so I have just enough time to drink a "small' bottle of wine before he gets home. Now, I'm sneaking shots from his personal liquor. He hardly ever drinks...ever. It's only a matter of time before he catches on. I'll have to replace it before he notices. In so many ways, I guess that I'm "catching" myself. I thought I could control it, and it ever so slowly crept up on me. Little by little, I've gone back to the same person that I was....the person that I hated the most. In fact, I really hate myself now. I'm feeling sluggish and unhealthy again. I've gained 10 lbs and have no motivation. I need some insight. I thought that I had this "under control." I was so positive when I left you guys. Sorry to disappoint
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,370
You said you're not looking for advice, so I'll just say I'm glad to see you again, but sorry to hear that.
I am wondering tho, what are you going to do about it, blackoutgirl? (and I don't mean the replacing the liquor, that's small stuff....I mean the Big Problem - the drinking and the back to square one stuff?)
D
I am wondering tho, what are you going to do about it, blackoutgirl? (and I don't mean the replacing the liquor, that's small stuff....I mean the Big Problem - the drinking and the back to square one stuff?)
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: california
Posts: 6
I am sorry for what your going through. I hope you can over overcome. I hope I can overcome my addictions. I have never been sober but I want to be. I guess I dont want it enough or I would be sober. My current drinking problem has reached new heights...I am around people who use speed (family, friends)Even though I would never ever ever consider using sober. When I am drunk I am an idiot and cant seem to resist using it. I regret it almost immediately and then it takes me 2 days to feel right agein. Then I usually end up repeating the same circle over and over. I am starting to really hate myself. I know I have no control yet I put myself in the same situation agein and agein.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
You're not disappointing anybody....And I won't give you any advice. But I will say that we get to a point where we cross an imaginary line where we lose control and once we do...We don't get it back. There is no going back to when drinking was good...I know I had to honestly admit to myself that I couldn't drink any more...Period...Then make a plan to make that happen. I'm glad you made it back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
sorry to hear of yer demise. i wont give advise, buit i know how i got sober: took the advise from those who got and stayed sober to get myself sober and stay sober.
when i quit living in the problem and began living in the solution, the problem went away.
i sure hope you want to get back to recovery and get sober. its an awesome life.
when i quit living in the problem and began living in the solution, the problem went away.
i sure hope you want to get back to recovery and get sober. its an awesome life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I came to realize that the Three pertinent ideas mentioned in AA's "How It Works" were true for me.
Alcoholics Anonymous - How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous
All the best.
Bob R
Alcoholics Anonymous - How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous
All the best.
Bob R
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I too had many attempts at sobreity before I actually quit.
Please read the link below...it's from the book that explained
to me why I kept drinking tho I wanted to stop
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
.
Welcome back...
Please read the link below...it's from the book that explained
to me why I kept drinking tho I wanted to stop
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
.
Welcome back...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
Here I am...still struggling, but trying to wrap my mind around reality. Granted, when I started this journey last year, I probably should have chose a different forum on the site, but I'll just stick with what I know.
As far as replacing the liquor...it didn't work. I drank what I thought was missing, then drank 3/4 of the bottle afterwards. I had planned on pouring out the rest of what was "missing" and ended up drinking close to a fifth. I called in the next day, unfortunately. Not because I felt sick physically, but because I knew that I reeked of liquor. There wasn't anything I could do to get rid of the odor. I knew that I smelled like a brew house or worse.
The environment that I work in is very clean. It seems that any odor, whether it be cigarettes or something else, is magnified by a thousand. Even I can pick up on these things while being in a small room with others. I just couldn't subject myself to the shame and possibly being questioned.
I felt guilty and uneasy after waking up and knowing that I had left my work on an extremely busy day.
It's truly a surprise...after a while...that after experimenting and getting a "taste" can snow-ball into a full alcoholic lifestyle. I'm telling you this to be honest. At first, I had a beer or two....then I decided that I could have more and be "o.k."
I wanted to be part of the group. I wanted to have fun with everyone else.
I didn't drink liquor for a while. Viewed it as a poison. Then, just as others put their guard down, so did I. It was an excuse. "You've been so good..."...etc..just have a good time.
So here I am. I feel defeated. Lack control and wish to gain it back. The more I drink, the more I want. It's a taste that only gets worse with time. Like a person that can't stop eating, there is no limit, or end. It just keeps building.
At this moment, I feel angry. I'm angry because I'm not one of those people that can have a drink and put it down. I'm angry because this is embedded in my DNA. I'm sure of it. I'm sad because I wonder if I'll ever have a normal life. I feel built up anger and frustration over the fact that I CAN"T HAVE CONTROL. I'm sad because I'm living a LIE. I feel defeated that I tried but didn't follow through. And most of all, I feel tired. I'm tired of fighting a battle that won't go away.
I dream of being healthy, walking, eating healthy food, enjoying life, being happy. Then, I get home from work, and I feel completely impulsive. Not just a lack of control, but NO control.
Signing off for now.
As far as replacing the liquor...it didn't work. I drank what I thought was missing, then drank 3/4 of the bottle afterwards. I had planned on pouring out the rest of what was "missing" and ended up drinking close to a fifth. I called in the next day, unfortunately. Not because I felt sick physically, but because I knew that I reeked of liquor. There wasn't anything I could do to get rid of the odor. I knew that I smelled like a brew house or worse.
The environment that I work in is very clean. It seems that any odor, whether it be cigarettes or something else, is magnified by a thousand. Even I can pick up on these things while being in a small room with others. I just couldn't subject myself to the shame and possibly being questioned.
I felt guilty and uneasy after waking up and knowing that I had left my work on an extremely busy day.
It's truly a surprise...after a while...that after experimenting and getting a "taste" can snow-ball into a full alcoholic lifestyle. I'm telling you this to be honest. At first, I had a beer or two....then I decided that I could have more and be "o.k."
I wanted to be part of the group. I wanted to have fun with everyone else.
I didn't drink liquor for a while. Viewed it as a poison. Then, just as others put their guard down, so did I. It was an excuse. "You've been so good..."...etc..just have a good time.
So here I am. I feel defeated. Lack control and wish to gain it back. The more I drink, the more I want. It's a taste that only gets worse with time. Like a person that can't stop eating, there is no limit, or end. It just keeps building.
At this moment, I feel angry. I'm angry because I'm not one of those people that can have a drink and put it down. I'm angry because this is embedded in my DNA. I'm sure of it. I'm sad because I wonder if I'll ever have a normal life. I feel built up anger and frustration over the fact that I CAN"T HAVE CONTROL. I'm sad because I'm living a LIE. I feel defeated that I tried but didn't follow through. And most of all, I feel tired. I'm tired of fighting a battle that won't go away.
I dream of being healthy, walking, eating healthy food, enjoying life, being happy. Then, I get home from work, and I feel completely impulsive. Not just a lack of control, but NO control.
Signing off for now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I'm right there with you Blackoutgirl. We all know how tough this is because we all have been there. We just have to keep catching ourselves before we slip. It is a sad feeling I know but moments later you feel relieved and better. I feel most sad at times by the gut reaction that leads to having to catch the desire and stop it. The best thing you can do is keep trying, that's all we all can do. Keep trying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I never knew why I drank like I did....When I read this it made sense. You can check it out if you want.
The Doctor's Opinion
The Doctor's Opinion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
Thanks to everyone that has posted on this forum. Please....just stay with me for a moment. I find a feeling of comfort seeing familiar names that I've seen in old posts. Don't give up on me...I'm trying to dig my way out of this. Many thanks to all of you...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,370
I dream of being healthy, walking, eating healthy food, enjoying life, being happy.
But it won't happen spontaneously and it won;t happen without a little discomfort.
You have to decide to work for it Blackoutgirl.
Do you have a plan?
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Welcome back Blackoutgirl 
We have all been there to one degree or another, coming to the realization that you can never drink alcohol again doesn't have to be a sad thing. It can be the end of endless struggle, pain, anxiety, embarrassment & torture. Finally giving in to the idea that you can never again pick up an alcoholic drink again can actually be quite freeing once the fear subsides.
You can do this & we are all her with you
P.S. Have you ever looked into AVRT or any of the other programs (AA etc.)?
We have all been there to one degree or another, coming to the realization that you can never drink alcohol again doesn't have to be a sad thing. It can be the end of endless struggle, pain, anxiety, embarrassment & torture. Finally giving in to the idea that you can never again pick up an alcoholic drink again can actually be quite freeing once the fear subsides.
You can do this & we are all her with you
P.S. Have you ever looked into AVRT or any of the other programs (AA etc.)?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by blackoutgirl 
Don't give up on me...I'm trying to dig my way out of this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
I read your posts and like others, I can relate. I also tried to hide alcohol and replace it, not surpringly it didn't work!
I have been sober for almost nine years but I remember where you are at like it was yesterday. We are here if you need support or advice.
Dave
I have been sober for almost nine years but I remember where you are at like it was yesterday. We are here if you need support or advice.
Dave
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