Griffman

Trying to quit today. I woke my wife up and told her to start praying for strength to make it. She told me not to quit because I get mean with her and the kids everytime I go without alcohol. She says I am much more giving and fun with the kids when I do drink. I have averaged a 12 pack a day for over 10 years, (as you can see in the newcomer's forum).

She wants me to get help from a professional, but we do not have medical insurance. She thinks I need to be on a retreat where I have no access to alcohol and I am not around the family but that costs thousands of dollars I don't have. She accuses me of being a "know it all" if I tell her the irritability is part of the process of staying off drinking.

I told her she does not know what she is talking about detox reactions because she has not been an addict, then she says, "see I told you you get angry just look at the way you are talking to me now!" And I really did not get loud with her when I said it. This all happened 30 minutes ago. I can't win with her, and she is a weekly church going Christian who says she loves God.

I finally told her that she needs to stop living on an idealistic planet and put up with whatever anger/irritation that comes out of me for a season until I can put the alcohol behind me for good. She stormed out of the bedroom and closes the door behind her.

SlimSlim

Griffman:

I'm not sure where you're coming from.

Paragraph 1 you say your wife does not want you to quit.

Paragraph 2 you say your wife wants you to get professional help.

???

Paragraph 3 you say you can't win with her.

Just wondering if you're trying to set yourself up here?

DayTrader

What she's possibly experiencing is what I deal with myself - quitting the booze isn't the solution. Drinking for me is A problem, but it's not the root problem. My alcoholism - like it is for many of us - is at it's worst when I'm NOT drinking.

For me, the solution had to be centered around treating my brand I alcoholism..... A disease/sickness/illness/whatever that has drinking as a condition but is something bigger - somethig that requires more than just abstinence.

The best part is, as I treated my alcoholism, things like support from her, what THEY think of me, how do I appear to others..... All those things lost their power over me. Support is nice, but it's not necessary to obliterate your alcohol problem.

Sapling

I quit one time on my own for 10 months...I was not a good person to be around....Later found out it was untreated alcoholism...I even hated myself. My ex wife told me to go back to drinking and I did....Right through a divorce and losing everything I had. I found AA through a rehab I ended up in and and learned how to live happily without alcohol....If you haven't tried it...I'd recommend it.

doggonecarl

I was thinking the same thing. I know all the tricks the addictive mind can play. Next will be F--- It, I might as well drink...

Don't fall for it.

Yes, it is normal to be irritable when you first quit drinking. Doesn't mean you have a right to act like a bear being poked with a sharp stick.

By the way, A.A. is free.

Mark75

Yea, so as Daytrader said, alcohol is A problem... but not THE problem.

Some even will suggest that alcohol is often the solution, a solution that stops working (as it usually does)...

AA has another, long term and reliable, solution.

Sapling

That was it!

fgo

griffman... it is the best gift you can give yourself and your family. You know you need to do it for you and your future. The healthy voice inside of you is telling you its time, listen to it.

stairs

Hi Griffman,

Why not give 12 step meetings, like AA, a try? You can meet other guys there who understand what you're going through. Also, it's free!

MrsKing

Hi Griffman,

Irritation and anger are NOT absolute, definite reactions to being sober. If you set yourself up thinking that is how you will behave, then you probably will. I recently gave up smoking, and told myself with absolute conviction that I was not going to use it as an excuse to be angry towards anyone - I was going to accept that I was no longer going to smoke and I was going to get on with it. After all, the people around me didn't cause me to smoke, they had no responsibility for my smoking and were not in any way part of my giving up, and so I was not going to allow myself to behave any differently. I've pretty much done exactly that.

I know giving up smoking and giving up drinking are different things, but what matters is that how you behave and feel are your choices, and you can choose to behave calmly. You can accept that you're not going to feel wonderful, but that you're not going to take this out on other people, and you can choose to not let YOUR decision to be sober have a negative impact on your family's lives.

I bet your wife DOES want you to be sober (as you said she'd be happy for you to go to a rehab facility) but that she doesn't want you to be angry and irritable with her or your children.

You can be sober, and you CAN do it without arguments. It's all about taking control of our thoughts/behaviour and deciding how we will act. We are responsible for everything we do and say.

Griffman

Thanks to all of the responses here everyone. To clear up any confusion about my wife not wanting me to quit, I guess I did sound confusing as I was typing in haste i suppose. My wife DOES want me to quit, but she does not want me to be around her when I do.

She is encouraging me to keep drinking until I can get professional help, which I cannot afford at the moment. Yes I know what you guys are saying about the addictive "mind tricks" and I have been through that in spades and I thank you all for pointing out that possibility.

I have thought about AA meetings as well. I have heard some good things about it, but also hear stories of the high percentages of people who are not helped by it at all, but thank God for the people who have been helped by it.

Thanks MrsKing that is great advice on anger.

I hope I cleared things up a bit and thanks again everyone.

I should further add that this thread was started because, yes I was angry at her, for not understanding how crucial this is to me, and how URGENT i feel for stopping the drinking. But I can't blame her, because she does not know how serious the problem is because she has never been in the body/mind of a drinker!

Griffman

Excellent thank you!

Griffman

Yes you are right and I am listening!

Sapling

This is totally up to you...How willing are you to do the work?

MWL1983

Hi Griffman,
First of all, I'm struggling with similar problems to you. I'm fortunate to have a partner that's supportive, as informed as a non-alcoholic can be about the disease, and takes care of herself with a terrific Al-Anon program that she uses for her own personal recovery. She supports me in my efforts, but there's no way in hell she'd take any of my guff while solving my drinking problem and she'd do her best to distance herself from my emotional status during that process. It's not cold of her, it's what she should be doing.

I tend to think of my quest for sobriety as a matter of odds. Am a more likely to get sober on my own or am I more likely to get sober if I'm doing everything I'd already be doing to do it alone and adding in an AA program?

I found that my ego really got in the way of me going to meetings. I was ashamed and didn't want to truly see myself as an alcoholic and didn't want to associate myself with other that fit my preconceived notion of what an alcoholic was.

Addiction treatment specialists will disclose that AA does not work for every single person, but they'll also tell you that you're FAR more likely to succeed when your abstinence from alcohol is coupled to a recovery program such as AA.

Have you called a local AA hotline to ask them if there are free in-patient detox or treatment options in your area? In my area of the country, we keep beds in detox and treatment centers open for individuals that couldn't otherwise afford treatment. These beds are often free, but sometimes come at a discounted rate and provide the same services given to insured individuals.

Griffman

"I found that my ego really got in the way of me going to meetings. I was ashamed and didn't want to truly see myself as an alcoholic and didn't want to associate myself with other that fit my preconceived notion of what an alcoholic was."

This, exactly with me too, I must admit.



"Have you called a local AA hotline to ask them if there are free in-patient detox or treatment options in your area? In my area of the country, we keep beds in detox and treatment centers open for individuals that couldn't otherwise afford treatment. These beds are often free, but sometimes come at a discounted rate and provide the same services given to insured individuals."

I have not done this and didn't know this was an option. Thanks for this information. Strength to you as well brother as you overcome!

MWL1983

Thanks Griffman. If you go to an AA meeting, and stick around, you'll learn that the 1st step says "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

The stopping drinking part ultimately falls on each of us individually, but it's not done alone. History shows that the majority of practicing alcoholics are able to gain sobriety and recapture their lives only once they reach out and help another alcoholic. I guess it has to do with feeling that there's someone else I can relate to, someone else that understands my struggle.

Trying to provide any kind of help my time in AA and my now 40 hours of sober time can provide is helping to keep me sober.

As understanding and wonderful as my partner is, she and I both understand that she will never know me as well as another alcoholic whom I've just met will.

Our experiences and challenges and paths to recovery (or short miserable lives) are so undeniably similar. I thought that I was terminally unique, but I've found that in talking to other alcoholics, I am just another garden variety drunk. I'm willing to bet you are too.

Get well and find help

MWL1983

That, and this whole other business of a spiritual experience and a power greater than yourself.

Just to reassure you, putting faith in a power greater than myself has not required me to gain religious faith. A strong faith or even a weakened faith that you could return to might be helpful, but for me, an agnostic, I've been able to find a non-theological higher power of my own conception that is working just fine for me as of 1:23 pm today

Anyways, the higher power thing isn't something you need to worry about today. If you feel you're an alcoholic, there're places you're welcome to go.

tomsteve

yes, there are many people who AA doesnt help, and it isnt the only solution.however, it doesnt matter which solution/program a person gets involved in, no one gets and stays sober without putting in the footwork of that program.
i have been successfully sober since i woke up this morning because i made the choice i wanted what AA had to offer, have put in the footwork, and have stepped over the ones who have fallen by the wayside. it happens. its going to keep happening. if it didnt happen, then recovery programs wouldnt be necessary.

sugarbear1

Unless that professional has alcoholism, the help is mostly textbook or hearsay.

Alcoholism has little to do with drinking; it's about being able to live without drinking.

Without alcohol, I am irritable, restless, and discontent unless I find something that can be my new solution. I've found a design for living life that is precious to me today.

I hope you find what works for you, too!~