Quinne

Hi all,
I'm making the 1 & 1/2 hour trek to my sponsor's home group for about the 6th week running. I thought I'd give it a shot as these meetings are new to me & stuck my hand up for a service position, admittedly more out of a sense of obligation than anything else.

I'm trying to go with an open mind, but it's as though something is amiss. I've been told it's not uncommon for some women to feel more comfortable in mixed groups (to begin with, generally). I feel this way myself. Anyway, the only thing it's reminiscent of is high school; full of cliques, saccharine, sing-song chatter and just a smidge fake. I can see that there are a handful of Women who at least "talk the talk" pretty well, but I'm having problems trusting anyone bar my sponsor and one other individual.


I think the question I'm asking right now is while I know damn well recovery is going to continue to be uncomfortable, what's the point in exaggerating it by going to a meeting that serves little purpose other than to feed my anxiety? I need to speak with my sponsor about it, but am curious to hear others' experiences if anyone cares to share. Thanks!

Xx

Sally1009

Unfortunately cliques do occur sometimes. Is this the only meeting you can get to? Because I would suggest trying several, including mixed ones.
Try not to take it personally though, because it isnt about you. It takes time to break the ice. Wishing you well in your recovery.

pipparina

I've bee to hundreds of meetings, and some are better than others. There were definitely the social meetings, where it was more a place to be seen. I felt really uncomfortable at those because it reminded me of high school and not being one of the "cool kids", which was a big reason I drank (to fit in).

Let your sponsor know how you feel. Maybe she can pick a different meeting for you two to go to. No reason to feels anxious.

tomsteve

realgood to see ya branching out and stepping up and volunteering for some service work. in the time i have been in recovery and all the different meetings i have been to( cept womens. i dont go to them) i have seem the cliques. it happens. it really isnt just singled out to AA. take a large group that gathers together for the same purpose( even in church) and it will happen.
it is very easy to talk the talk at an AA meeting. reciting the BB and what others have said is quite simple. the real work happens outside the meetings.

very wise of you to have a problem trusting anyone. look where we came from and as the BB says, some of us suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. some truely sicker than others. i am sure if you look over yer past you, like me, got burned by throwing trust out right off the bat. but dont forget trust is a 2 way street. it has to be earned on both sides.
seek out the fellowship you crave, but be openminded enough to listen to others as even though we may not like their symptoms, they can have good advise.

now heres what i am reading, and it happened to me( still does sometimes, but not as bad)- the anxiety is fear? fear that yer gonna start opening up to someone then have parts of yer life spread out? or something like that? very wise to not be an open book and good on ya for talkin to yer sponsor. hopefully she will use the steps to find the problem and solution.

Sapling

Some meetings are better than others....You could always ask your sponsor if she'd go to a Step or Big Book meeting with you....That's where the meat and potatos are....The steps are the suggested program of recovery...They may be suggested....But it's the only suggestion they have.

sugarbear1

There is a Women's Only Forum if you scroll below the Newcomers Forum. Just letting you know.

I do understand what you are saying and it does happen. I prefer mixed meetings. I stick with those who work the steps and who walk their talk. Find another meeting, if you choose or try to stick it out and see what happens!

drunkyjules

I was just at a meeting last night that felt a little clique-ish. It was a mixed meeting though. Some people are more friendly than others and some go out of their way to welcome the newcomer. I get what you are saying about the high school crap too.

I'm still meeting shopping to find my niche. I try to be friendly when I do go, although its hard for me as I'm insecure and a little shy and its hard to be the newbie for me (one of the reasons I drank).

I tell myself I'm there for my recovery and I need to branch out and communicate with others and get out of my shell. I try not to take what "they" are doing to personally. If they want to be friendly, fine, if not I will try my best and gravitate to the people who have the sobriety I want - which includes welcoming and encouraging newbies.

Username1

Yea i have seen a few meetings that are cliquey its kind of annoying like "you guys are in AA right now, this isn't like this is a cool spot you are like 55 too cut it out we are here cuz we ****** up our lives what are you doing?"

UnicornAngNJ

Here in the States, I find some women's meetings to be a "man-hating, sexual-act disclosure group" and its weird to me. I have been to a few good women's meetings, but sometimes the best women's meeting a simple one-on-one sit down with my best friend in recovery whom I went to rehab with.

Best regards
-The Unicorn

Quinne

Thanks for the feedback, everyone

tomsteve, yes, there's a definite element of fear involved and I do have issues trusting people. I have been pretty quick to trust in the past and although I acknowledge my role in being "burnt" much of the time-I tended to hang around with people whom were just as sick as me, I had way too many ties to people i'd been hospitalised with and have cut the majority out of my life-the injury is still there. I'm blessed because one of my classmates is in the fellowship and I can observe her truly living the program outside the rooms and it's amazing having someone I can touch base with, and vice-versa several times a week

sugarbear I much prefer mixed meetings, my home group is mixed I.D. and it really is a second home! There's always a lingering concern in mixed meetings that I feel like I have some sort of power-play going on solely because i'm young, female, intelligent, etc. so i'm sure to suss out my motives before heading back to a meeting (i've literally "banned" myself from one as I find another member attractive and know that dribbling over him will distract me from my recovery) and am really wary of guys who offer lifts, etc. Still shopping

sapling, I try to switch it up and attend a combination of I.D., Big Book study meetings and discussion groups. I'm heading to a BB group with my sponsor tomorrow

Sapling

Beautiful...I really studied that book....Especially the first 103 pages....I knew what I had to do before I even had a sponsor...Keep moving forward Quinne...It's a wonderful ride!

wow04

I also like the mixed meetings. I recently started to going a women's meeting, due to sponsor suggesting it. I am not a big fan of it, but I go to help the newcomers. There are many young women who come. I actually just picked up a new sponsee there.

Switching up your meetings is wonderful. You seem to be on the right track.

DayTrader

Heh.... I've found plennnnnty wrong with all sorts of meetings. Lol

In my experience, all-men's meetings tend to have more extremes. What I mean is there are usually some awwwwesome peeps there.....but there's also some extreme bs there too.

You're doing great by going. It's an extra "length" and it's good for u to continue going.

Situations like this, I do a lot of praying about so I can get to the real truth about what's going on. What I usually find is that I "need" to be there because without it, I wouldn't have gone looking for the root if my being upset, and without that, I wouldn't have found this new area where I was blocked from God. So, in an interesting sense, "bad" meetings help more than good ones! (as long as I'm willing to accept that "all my troubles ARE of my own making, to do some seeking, and to do some inventory on myself.)