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Woke up in some random's guys apartment

Old 09-03-2012, 01:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Oh I'm sorry that happened. I've been there too many times. Here is the site for AA meetings in MA: Welcome AABoston.org Central Service Committe of Eastern Mass. (Intergroup)

Let me know if you ever want to meet halfway and go to a meeting together!

Like others said, planned parenthood is likely your best bet.
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:46 PM
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I wasn’t drugged. I was quite drunk before I got to the bar. But not drunk enough, and the store was closed so I went to the bar down the street. I do remember the guy bought me a drink. I don’t remember going home with him.
For the record, my EXABF is funding our phone calls and plan B is like 50 bucks out here, very expensive! And the liquor I buy is 12 dollars for a handle.
BUT I went through that in four days.
I’m a 110-pound girl; I should not be going through a handle of vodka in four days.
I have been drinking almost every day since my EXABF was arrested about a month ago.
This is a cycle for me.
I’m going to start therapy Wednesday.
I’m not drinking today. That’s all I can promise myself. When I start thinking about tomorrow or next week it’s too overwhelming.
I just have to take it day-by-day or hour-by-hour.
I’m in Graduate School, I have important things to focus on. I can’t throw my life away over an addict and by abusing alcohol.
I have absolutely no self-esteem and these self-destructive tendencies and codependent relationships are not helping me. I’m depressed and heart broken and I’m using alcohol to self-medicate. Just like I always do.
But it does more harm than good.
I am from Boston but I recently moved. Four days ago in fact. I am on my own, very isolated and lonely. There are meetings out here but I’m in a rural community so there are nowhere near as many as there are in the city.
Limited, but available.
I feel like I really need a program of some sort but my parents have no idea what’s going on…well… not NO idea but… they do not know the extent of my depression or alcohol dependence.
I know I need to commit 100 percent of myself to recovery. But life without alcohol seems so scary… I feel like it will isolate me from everyone even more. I feel like it would be impossible to cope with my life sober.
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions or stress and I am SUPER shy, despite how I seem on here, I really get nervous in social situations and drinking helps that so much… but it obviously does more harm than good.
It just feels like a security blanket. It’s hard to give up.
I just feel violated and taken advantage of. I was blacked out, falling down drunk judging from the bruises. I'm sure I was asking for it and it's not his fault, it's my own. I act like a sl** when I drink and will straight up tell a guy I want to f*** him when I would NEVER do that sober. EVER.
I promised myself I'd never let myself get used for sex again. But here we are again.
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:47 PM
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and I know it says eastern MA but it has the whole state. There's a little map of MA on the left and you can click on your region.
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful View Post
The worst part of all this is I can't stop.

I know I should and have every reason in the world to but I don't know that I can cope with life without drinking

That is the most disgusting part of all of this. This isn't the first time I've made a stupid sexual decision because of drinking and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Why can't I stop? I feel like I want to but at the same time I feel like I don't. For me drinking is about numbing emotions I can't deal with. My now recent ex ABF was just put in jail and I can't deal with it. Hence the drinking.

Before this I was sober. But now I just can't stop. Or won't stop.

I know everyone does stupid thing they aren't proud of when they drink. But WTF is it going to take for me to know when enough is enough? I mean WTF is wrong with me that I think I can't get through today without drinking after what happened last night?

it doesnt read like you are coping too good with alcohol.
insanity= doin the same thing over and over knowing the results will be the same.

if you look at it, yer emotions arent being numbed and what yer doin doesnt read like it is workin too good at learning how to live with emotions. i htought i was good at dealing with emotions by drinking, but found out thats what got me to the point of desperation. it could have gotten worse, but i chose to get help. my thinking got me drunk. my thinkin wasnt gonna get me sober( which is more than just not drinkin. thats dry).


IMO, the problem with you is that yer an alcoholic. what you write is what we alcoholics do. what its gonna take is up to you. you can step off the elevator at any time, but it is your choice and ya gotta make a decision you want to get sober and are willing to do whatever ya gotta do to get sober, even if it involves standing on your head gargling peanut butter.

i have read a lot of what you write in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. its where i found myself described and where i found the solution.
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:04 PM
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you may want to google " big book online" and do some reading.
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
I know I need to commit 100 percent of myself to recovery. But life without alcohol seems so scary… I feel like it will isolate me from everyone even more. I feel like it would be impossible to cope with my life sober.
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions or stress and I am SUPER shy, despite how I seem on here, I really get nervous in social situations and drinking helps that so much… but it obviously does more harm than good.
It just feels like a security blanket. It’s hard to give up.
The alternative is not good though is it...? Imagine doing this on a regular basis, accepting that this will be a possible outcome every time you drink. There is a reason I kept my drinking indoors, but that didn't stop me from occasionally getting myself into trouble (sorry, but your post has brought flashbacks to me!).

Alcohol is not going to help you with your shyness or teach you to deal with your emotions or stress. It will seriously hinder any attempts at emotional maturity and cause you no end of problems... it does and will get much worse I'm afraid.

It is really hard and scary to give up drinking but you just have to trust the many people on here who say that it gets better. All those posts from people as the months go by saying how much better everything gets... it actually is true and it can happen for you too. Don't let the fear stop you.
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful View Post
I'm sure I was asking for it and it's not his fault, it's my own. I act like a sl** when I drink and will straight up tell a guy I want to f*** him when I would NEVER do that sober.
Fenway, I am not an alcoholic but my exBF is. He used to go to bars, get blackout drunk, and get robbed and beaten by other men.

It is NOT your fault for what happened and you weren't asking for it, no matter what you said to this man. The fact of the matter is, any decent human being would have realized you were intoxicated and helped you home. And then left.

Please do not feel ashamed. Shame won't help you, and you don't deserve it. Everyone, alcoholic or not, makes mistakes. You have a right to hold your head up high like every other person on this earth. (((((HUGS)))))
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:39 PM
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I found it best if I held my head up while walking to an AA meeting.

All the best.

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Old 09-03-2012, 03:05 PM
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Maybe you should just try committing to a certain amount of time with no drinking, and during that time keep going to counseling, or AA, and whatever you think would work best. Then see how you feel. I did that, and it wasn't as scary as saying that I was never going to drink again.

I was going to say that Planned Parenthood has a sliding scale here for emergency pills. Maybe they do there as well. Also, you may want to go there anyhow for testing. I had to do that before I know it blows and is scary though.

I know drinking eases the pain and has it fun moments, but it also sucks so bad to wake up with the hangover, the blackouts, the expense/cost, juggling work and/or school while boozing, feeling like crap about yourself, etc...

Just an idea

Hugs,

MC
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Old 09-03-2012, 03:20 PM
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when you were living with your parents over the summer, you said you couldn't WAIT to get back to your apartment and school to focus on yourself.

Maybe school should wait and you should go back home to the safety of a structured life. where you drink in your bedroom at night and go out with friends and get drunk. here and there, booze is everywhere....You need some help from someone who can get you on a better path. I did not know you only weigh 110# you had stated previously that you were "overweight".

Call your parents and ask for help, real help, this is more than alcohol abuse....it can be fixed but you have to realize your head is all over the place.
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Old 09-03-2012, 03:30 PM
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There's some awesome advice here FF.

all of this that you wrote about - that's not the life you deserve....noone does.

You have the power to change things FF - you've done it before.
I really hope you decide to do things differently...from today.

D
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Old 09-03-2012, 03:43 PM
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"I know I probably need AA I wasn't going to AA before really. I did for a bit but once I got over the "hump" I stopped and stayed sober on my own."

Um, no, you didn't stay stopped on your own. Go back and work the steps with a sponsor and get a support group. Stay stopped for good!

Daily drinking isn't working.

Love & hugs,
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Old 09-03-2012, 06:13 PM
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Aw, FF. I did the same thing more times than I can remember. And that was BEFORE I decided it would be a great idea if I started hooking to fund my habits. There's really no worse feeling on earth than waking up and realizing you did it again. It's really, really scary to be so out of control. I feel for you, I have done it too. Alcohol can make us into people we don't recognize as ourselves. All my best to you.
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Old 09-03-2012, 06:32 PM
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(((Fenway))). You are just doing the best you can, like we all are. Don't let the guilt crush you. Xx
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Old 09-03-2012, 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
when you were living with your parents over the summer, you said you couldn't WAIT to get back to your apartment and school to focus on yourself.

Maybe school should wait and you should go back home to the safety of a structured life. where you drink in your bedroom at night and go out with friends and get drunk. here and there, booze is everywhere....You need some help from someone who can get you on a better path. I did not know you only weigh 110# you had stated previously that you were "overweight".

Call your parents and ask for help, real help, this is more than alcohol abuse....it can be fixed but you have to realize your head is all over the place.
I'm scared to tell them how bad it's become.

They're going to be angry because they know this recent downward spiral is due to my ex. My ex who they said would break my heart, who they said would use again and end up in jail but I didn't listen.

I can't really blame them for being angry.

And I recently lost about 20 pounds, perhaps I said this when I weighed more then I do know but I can't really trust myself to accurately judge my own body because I tend to have a pretty twisted self image. Even at 110 pounds I feel chunky but that's an entirely different issue.

School does need to wait. I honestly don't see myself lasting but I want to try. The semester has already been paid for, I've already signed a years least for my current place...it would be a waste of so much money to drop out...and time... but I just don't know that I am mentally fit to be here.

I feel like a breakdown is inevitable. I just put up this front around my parents, I don't want them to know how broken I am because I know how angry and disappointed they will be in me. I've put them through Hell, they don't deserve that.

I'm sober tonight. It's so hard. I'm sitting here reading No More Letting Go and listening to music. I won't sleep much tonight.

I am still feeling ashamed and lonely. I have reached out to a good friend and told him what I did. He is a recovered addict who has been clean for 6 years.

He agrees with all of you here, of course. He's been watching me self-desctruct for 10 years. He lives down south but he's helped me through something pretty dark times in my life and I've helped him through his.

It was comforting to hear a guy tell me that it wasn't okay for him to do what he did. And how I was too drunk to really consent to anything. He even offered to pay for Plan B for me but I told him I'd take care of it.

I do have good people in my life. And I have the potential for a much better life than the one I'm currently leading I just don't know how to get there.

But I really don't know how I'll cope with school. I can barely get out of bed to shower some days lets alone handle papers and endless reading and assignments...

I thought being here might be different. Like I could change my behavior but I always find excuses. Not to commit to recovery or meetings. Before it was because my parents wouldn't approve now what?

I just sit in my room crying and drinking myself half to death and screwing random strangers instead of driving a few towns over to go to a meeting and actually do something positive?

I'm happy to hear there are other women out there who have been in the same place I'm in now. I've done something like this before but never quite so bad.

Hopefully this night just leaves an emotional scar and there are no physical repercussions.
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Old 09-03-2012, 06:46 PM
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Flashbacks for me too. Lucky to be alive too. Amazing pickling juice.
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Old 09-03-2012, 06:59 PM
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Sounds like you are lucky to have such a great friend, parents that love you, and all this great advice from SR. I would take advantage of that.

I hope you are Ok physically as well. There is nothing as bad as worrying about HIV, pregnancy, and the lot. Get yourself to the doc about that.

I am glad you are feeling better tonight, but what is your plan?

MC
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:05 PM
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FenwayFaithful:

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

Maybe now it's time to get off the elevator?

Your school should have some kind of substance abuse referral program. If you want to complete your graduate work, it will be very hard to do so drinking as much as you are.

As for feeling violated, you were violated. A man who takes advantage of a very drunk woman is violating her.

A lot of people who have substance abuse problems also get involved in toxic relationships, and from what I remember of you ABF, this was not a healthy relationship. Just as it is hard for you to really look at your relationship with alcohol and get to the conclusion that you need to get alcohol out of your life, you might want to take a look at your relationship with your ABF and decide whether it is a healthy relationship for either of you.

If you haven't read Drinking: A love Story, I recommend that you read it. The author went through much of what you are going through and she finally sobered up. It's well written and I think you'll relate to it on a lot of different levels.

Sorry to hear that you're bruised up, but also thankful that it didn't turn out a whole lot worse. Please let this be your big wake up call.

(((Slim)))
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:09 PM
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SlimSlim,

"As for feeling violated, you were violated. A man who takes advantage of a very drunk woman is violating her."



You know that is a tough one, SlimSlim. Should we blame the man in this case? IDK. Maybe he was drunk off his ass too and has regrets, or doesn't remember a damn thing. I do not assume that he knew 100% what he was doing. I cannot judge that. Maybe he knew full well and has no moral character. We can't really know for sure if he violated a woman.
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by MetalChick View Post
You know that is a tough one. Should we blame the man in this case? IDK. Maybe he was drunk off his ass too and has regrets, and doesn't remember a damn thing. I do not assume that he knew 100% what he was doing. I cannot judge that. Maybe he knew full well and has no moral character. We can't really know for sure.
He seemed very sober to me. I only saw him drink one beer. He was driving home. And he remembers because at some point we exchanged numbers because he texted me earlier saying he hoped I wasn't "mad that we f***ed" and when could we do it again.

So he remembers.

I didn't text him back.

It is my own fault for acting like a w**** and going home with some guy who obviously just wanted sex...I did this once before, when I was a senior in college. Met a guy at a party said I wanted to f*** him so he came home with me. Luckily my friend whose 6'4 and 250 pounds was visiting my roommate at the time. He told the kid he had NO right to try and sleep with a girl who was that drunk, that just because I was saying I wanted it didn't make it right. That I was too drunk to know what I wanted. He physically had to remove the guy from my room.

No one was there to save me from myself this time.

I do feel ashamed and dirty and violated and disgusting and so guilty. I've kind of turned my emotions of temporarily because my feelings are just too much to deal with. I just can't.

I have heard A LOT of good things about Drinking A Love Story and will definitely look into buying that

As for my plan I don't know. I am living day by day right now...I just can't think about the future yet.
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