Too Late
 

Well, I didi it again. Even though you guys got me through the agonies of last night, I again woke up this morning with the excrutiating depression. I went to the lunchtime meeting as usual. Everyone was very nice to me. But when I got back to this great old shabby house my mood sank, and I returned to my bed. After an hour of watching "Friends" on my laptop, I couldnt stand the depression any longer, and went to the garage and bought a bottle of wine, and a litre of brandy.
I have had the wine - barely notice any difference except that the blinding depression is gone. I feel instead, very nauseus, and am a bit surprised at that. My son has just left for a party, which is to celebrate the ten nights of his play. I have a long night ahead of me. It's only 8pm here in the UK.
What am I to do?

I would get down on my knees and ask, with every fiber of your being, for God's grace. Then call your sponsor.


AA's "How It Works"

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous


I wish you the best.

Bob R

Have you being abstaining from drink recently? If so, remember that when we are drinking our tolerance levels are high and we can handle 1 litre of brandy+wine+whatever else. When we abstain, our tolerance decreases and we aren't physically able to handle these drinks any longer hence the sickness from one bottle of wine. Personally I would tip the brandy down the sink or lock it away somewhere/hide it. I know the depression can be real bad the first few weeks (not sure how long you had abstained for?) and this was me last weekend - empty, depressed, a mess. I would say go for a walk now or call up a friend until 9.9.30 and then maybe try get some sleep. I would suggest a sleeping pill but that depends on how much you've had to drink and toxicity levels.

Sally, don't beat yourself up over this which is all too easy to do. I only joined the site today (and not quite sober yet) so may not qualify to give advice right now but have had ongoing problems for many years so know how you feel.

I know the guilt will be excruciating at this moment and the evening is probably going to be a long one. Get rid of the brandy because that'll make things ten times worse. Can you phone someone to pass the time and just to distract you. Be strong. My thoughts are with you.

Sally,

I'm so sorry you're in this pain. for me, the worst part realizing that alcohol didn't work for me any more. it was only poisoning me, killing the best parts of me.

I finally recognized I drank because I wanted to. In some strange way, no matter what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what were the consequences, I drank because I wanted to. somehow, my brain was remembering a time when the alcohol did work.

for me, Rational Recovery explained it best. The Beast that is the addiction itself, the Addictive Voice that talked me into taking action to get alcohol, regardless of the fact alcohol was killing me and I KNEW it on an intellectual level.

When I finally made the commitment to not drink, ever, it was a load off my mind and heart. and since I could identify the Beast rumblings I knew what it was and knew I didn't have to act out on it. I didn't have to engage in pointless circles of arguments with the Addictive Voice.

If any of this makes sense to you, try reading through this thread. find out more about AVRT. (((Sally))). You and I don't have to live like this anymore.

Much love to you

Lenina

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html

Sally, keep posting and reading. let us know how youre doing. we do care and we do understand.

I keep track of the sober time to help others know it can be done, It's not a point of bragging or anything. I will be continuously sober for five years on December 1. My life is mostly peacefully. I can and do feel joy often. and If I can, I know you can too!

Love from Lenina

Really sad to hear this Sally :(

I'm not suggesting you abandon AA but if that isn't getting through have you looked into anything else to help...AVRT, SMART, Allen Carr, or just some of the CBT stuff that's out there. I hate that bit in the big book that says that some people are constitutionally incapable of being honest like that will make them incapable of recovery. Honesty is a skill, and something that can be forgotten and worked on. I found that writing things down helped me see the holes in my thinking. This is helping me right now too... http://www.nta.nhs.uk/uploads/itep_r...rt2_180209.pdf ...skip through to the worksheets. You're an intelligent woman Sally, there's no reason you can't get yourself free from this. My thoughts are with you x

Sally...:hug:

When depression was part of my life...I tried many things to lessen
the impact. Heck at that time...I did not know that alcohol is
a toxic liquid depressant...:duh:

Anyway....a few thingws that helped me
Prayed often for emotional balance .
I re painted my apartment in soothing lighter colors.
Made up my bed with colorful cheerful sheets of plaid
Got a new hair cut with color...stopped wearing dark clothes
Bought new ones in bright colors
Painted my nails pink...kept them looking nice.
Each day I put on scent ..make up...sparkly jewelery
Stopped listening to sad songs in favor of classical music.
Began eating smaller healthy meals.

When a dark thought popped up...I immediately replaced it
with 2 memories of happier days.

Hope you will try some of these and quickly re start your sobreity.
:yup:

sometimes we have to accept the old solutions just won't work anymore Sally...

Keep pushing for that therapist appointment...make sure they know whats at stake...and get more numbers to call when you need support Sally- it's a far better thing to call someone than it is to walk down to the petrol station.

D

I have extensive experience of 'kicking doors' and 'rattling chains' to get myself and others Psych support in the South East. You need to become the bane of your GPs life. Keep presenting with your depressive symptoms, relapse history etc, and you'll get shunted closer to the top of the list. I was told that i'd have to wait up to 6 months for therapy, however, after 'making my Doctor do what she's paid for' :), I was in 'one to one' and a depression group within 7 weeks.
The telephone wont cut it, you've got to turn up and look them in the eye . .
Good Luck.

Thanks folks. Feeling terrible this morning, of course. My youngest son is devastated, and we just dont know what to do anymore. This will push back my rehab, as I will have to do another home detox. But as it's a bank holiday in England, I wont be able to see my doctor until tomorrow. That means I'll probably drink all day today, and tonight. It feels like my choice is gone.
I just cant cope with this relentless depression. Everyone says the alcohol causes it, but how come I still get it even when I've been sober for weeks, months, even years at a time? To me it feels like an entirely separate illness. Obviously I could be wrong, but that's how it feels.

Sally.

Drinking is not the answer.
I thought it was too - it was my only solution to all my problems

But until you realise it's not a viable option you're just going to be stuck getting worse and worse, Sally.

There are other options although they might take a little effort, and a little patience.

If you feel badly or are worried about withdrawal go to your local hospital today.
That's a better option that drinking again.

I suffered from depression too - my drinking never ever helped my depression tho.

I needed to tackle both my depression and my alcoholism....it took a lot of trying and a lot of being a squeaky wheel...it meant a few uncomfortable periods...but I was having those anyway when drinking - but I persevered and I got the help I needed eventually.

You deserve better than you're allowing yourself Sally - the first step to that is making better choices, I think.

D

I know you are all right. I entitled my post "Too Late" because that is how I feel about my life. I'm 56, have lost the love if my life, live in a huge old house I cannot afford to keep up, and my life seems over. Not everyone does recover from alcoholism - it's just a fact. I have been fighting this illness for a long time. I have spells of apparent progress, but then it overwhelms me again. I don't feel I have any more fight in me. I know what I have to do, but I don't think I have the strength to do it anymore. It really does feel too late

I never seen anyone here who wanted to win against alcoholism lose the fight.
I nearly died from my addiction Sally - it's never too late.

Your addiction will try and tell you how weak you are, how hopeless it is - it's just more lies Sally.

If you can't quite see why you're fighting for yourself right now, remember you have people in your life who love and care for you - they're worth fighting for.

I really encourage you again to think about going to the hospital today, Sally.

Be totally honest, not only about your drinking but about your depression and thoughts of despair too.

D

hi Sally

56 is not old at all. You have years ahead of you,please don't give up. Could you maybe downsize your house to one you can afford that may also provide you with a fresh start

Please don't drink today. I know how hard it is as am back on day 1 myself too-taking it hourly.

As long as you are alive, it is NEVER too late. You can survive this.

I agree Sally...Maybe getting a smaller place would be a great start for you....It sounds like that house is the cause of a lot of depressing thoughts for you and alcohol takes care of the rest....You have to start with getting the wine and whatever you have in that garage out of there....You can't be detoxing with a stash in the next room....I'd like to see you in a hospital getting care myself...But you have to make that call. Just hang in there Sally and try not to drink today...At least you keep checking in here...I pray for you Sally.

Hi Sally,

I've been struggling with depression since I was 8...alcohol is a temporary, quick fix for me that always leaves me lower. My depression is under control with medication...and I'm still an alcoholic (I just occasionally binge drank instead of drank daily with the depression under control). There have been a lot of good suggestions here about AA and other alternatives - can you look into them?

The only person it is too late for is someone like my brother-in-law, who died of an overdose. One of the wonderful things about being human is the possibility of redemption (and I mean that spiritually, not in the religious sense). AA is working for me and when I finally had had enough, I was broken and as low as I could get. It was die or live.

At the meeting last night, there were several people who had relapsed, one that very day. But they aren't giving up. Please don't give up.

Sapling, Dee; many thanks for your very sane and kind advice. Actually I don't have a stash in my garage because I don't have a garage. I get my alcohol from the local garage - what you perhaps call a petrol station. I either drive there or get a taxi.
It is a good idea to get a smaller place, ultimately. I'm just not up to it atm as it requires a lot of mental and physical work. It will also be extremely painful to my son and myself, as there are so many memories associated with this house. It will be so sad to leave the place where we all had so many special times. My son is terrified of moving, he is abnormally attached to it, and that's partly why I havent dared sell yet.

PS I would go to hospital, but I don't think I have had enough alcohol to warrant that. I'd been sober for nearly three weeks before my relapse. Yes, I have had a lot - a bottle of wine and half a litre of brandy over 20 hours, but I don't feel drunk. I also threw up an hour ago, so I'm thinking it's pretty much out of my system.