inahole

Hi all, I have been ramping up my drinking over the past 4 years and it's definitely at the unhealthy level now. I have been trying to quit drinking for close to 2 years now and it's time to get public about it. I need help, maybe talking about it here, publicly, can be useful for me. I sure hope so.

I am 54, and no stranger to addiction and substance abuse. I left my addicted husband 30 years ago, and spent the next 8 being totally sober. I dedicated myself to being a good mother and did a good job of it. Then, when my kids were more independent and I was starting to socialize a little, I started very occasionally having a glass or two of wine, very controlled. That went on for years and it seemed like all was well between me and alcohol.

Oddly, I really started to abuse alcohol when my son's issues with drugs were getting worse and worse. It's like I used alcohol to ease my anxieties and fears, and even to sleep when he was out using. Completely backwards thinking, no doubt. At some point, my life became very solitary. Dealing with a son with serious drug related problems made my dating life suck, and even my social life, because let me tell you, telling someone your son is in rehab is a real romance killer. And, imagine when all your friends and coworkers are talking about their kids going off to college and getting married, etc... normal milestones... and my child's milestone is he is incarcerated. By this time my two kids were grown and gone, and I wasn't doing much besides work, and at night drinking. I never drink and drive, I never go out and act bizarre, but I am surely killing myself at this point with the amount of alcohol I am taking in.

I have quit probably 250 times over the past 2 years and started drinking again 251... same story as many of you I am sure.

I am worried, genuinely worried now, about my health. I feel the effects. I can't recover from a hangover, get sicker than ever. I think that means my liver is suffering. I don't have much in the way of emotions anymore either. My eyes look too yellow in the mornings. I hope I don't have serious liver damage, I truly do.

I want to quit drinking. Two days ago I wanted to quit drinking and I did, for a day, then last night I talked myself right into a bottle of wine. I don't even drink it in an enjoyable manner, I just seem to drink it till it's gone these days. I am secretive with others about how much I drink for sure. I will have a drink or two socially then come home and drink till I fall asleep. I have done this way more than I would like to admit. I doubt ANYONE who knows me thinks I over-drink on a regular basis. I eat organic food, exercise, look healthy, etc. I am the epitome of the functioning alcoholic. Sure, my eyes may be sort of bleary in the morning, but the magic of makeup and eyedrops is keeping me presentable to most folks.

I feel terrible today, again. It is affecting my work. And here is another thing,
I think I have finally met someone I could spend time with and be happy with. I want to give that a chance. He lives a little far from me so he only sees me once a week or so, and we go out and have a few drinks and it seems like "normal" people having a few drinks. I know he doesn't think he leaves and I spend the next 4 days drinking a bottle of wine or more a day. I want to give this relationship a chance. Maybe if I quit drinking my feelings and emotions could come back too.

Where do I start? After going through my son's many rehabs and experiences with AA, although I am very familiar with that route, did al-anon, etc. I just don't know if it's for me. I have become fairly jaded about it and it's success. I know not everyone on here is 12-stepping which is one reason this forum appeals to me, there are alternatives.

Maybe you guys can be the ones who I can be accountable to. About a month ago I told my son (who is out of prison for the moment) that I was thinking I had a real drinking problem. He actually is a very smart, empathetic guy and I thought he might have some helpful thoughts on the situation, being so familiar with it himself. He didn't seem to take me very seriously though, I really don't think he can see me that way, I am mom, the one who is usually getting him out of a jam, not someone who has her own struggles.

I don't know what to do to set some goals or boundaries to get myself over the first rough week or so. My caving-in day seems to be day 3. I might make it through 2, but day 3 is when I make up excuses. I think if I can get to 2-3 weeks I will be in such a better place. I know I won't be "over it" per se, but I sure think I will have a little ground to stand on.

Thank you for listening. Peaceful thoughts ~ :-)

FredG

Welcome to SR - I hear you crying out for help.

There are certainly alternatives to AA - although that would be my suggestion.

I don't know SMART or AVRT but there are others here who do.

Doesn't matter programm but it does matter that you commit to doing whatever it takes

inahole

Thank you Fred. I am open to alternatives, you could be right about AA. I am not really clear what my biggest hesitation is about it... it's something to think about.

FredG

If you'd like to talk more about AA, I'd be glad to answer any questions you may have. Send me a PM

CarolD

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...

I too am a Mom with 2 addicted children ..in retrospect
durring those 10 years my drinking esculated

I finally turned the then adult children over to God and stepped away.
I still don't know what drink on which day slid me into alcoholism.

When I was diagnosed with situational depression...my doctor
directed me to quit and connect to AA.

I was not thrilled...but there I went and have stayed...now an
AA recovered alcoholic....

I was 53 when I gave up alcohol....the past 23+ years
have been an amazing adventure in living sober with joy.

Please do keep posting with us....we care and understand
All my best as you move forward

inahole

Carol, it's good to hear you gave up alcohol at about my age... and have 23 years of sobriety, that is awesome. I want to give myself a chance for joy, it's not too late and I am not too old.

I have been working very hard on the notion of turning my son over to the universe (I am not such a god person, no offense) and doing pretty well at it. He is living independently and some miles away from me, I think for MY mental health, this is a good thing. Probably for both of us in the long run, it is forcing him to make adult choices and deal with repercussions.

I think I will be making myself a regular on here, it might be just the ticket and I want to give it an honest try. I very much dislike the person I am being right now.

Dee74

Welcome inahole
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

You're not alone

D

inahole

I might try to go to an AA meeting, just to check it out. The last time I attempted that, I stood outside the church for an hour and never went in. :-) Maybe I can get a foot in the door. Who knows.

Hevyn

Welcome inahole. I was older, too, when I finally decided I had to quit or die. It wasn't fun anymore - I never got the results I was looking for, no matter how much I drank. All I felt was numb, foggy, and stupid. Still - I was reluctant to let go of it because it was what I'd used as a comforter for so many years.

I know you can recover and have a whole new life - because I did. After 30+ years of drinking, I now have years of sobriety. You can do it - you're never alone, you have us.

NYCDoglvr

I was like you ........it got to the point that I had to get sober. And, I couldn't do it on my own. I was so desperate that I went to AA and the support of fellow alcoholics kept me sober. Since my best thinking got me drinking (and I almost died), I took suggestions from other people and haven't had a drink since 1991. I learned I don't have to drink, an astonishing concept at the time. I have a choice: pick up a drink or pick up the phone and ask for help.

You don't have to drink either. It's critical to take action and get help.