Messed up yesterday :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 178
Messed up yesterday :(
Yesterday was a rough day. I was very stressed out and exhausted from lack of sleep and pain all over my body. I dropped off my daughter (17) at office max to buy her school supplies while I did some errands. During said errands ,I ended up buying 3 small bottles of sutter home. I felt guilty but my PMDD and lack of sleep took over me . I usu can drink this amount and be ok but I guess my exhaustion and the fact I drank them in a 2 hour time span between 4:30 and 6:30 did not help. I picked her up and on the way home we stopped to check the mail and she asked me "Why are you talking like that?" I immediately panicked. "Talking how?" I responded. " You're slurring".. she answered. I immediately defended by saying I had gotten no sleep the night before and was completely exhausted. I don't know if she bought it or not. But it sobered me up and I did not buy any more wine. I forced myself to eat a sub I had bought, finished some laundry, and lied down. I also signed her school forms for the new school year. I ended up lying down and having to take a sleeping pill at 10 and not falling asleep till 12. I did sleep better last night and woke up less foggy. This is mainly because I drank 3 small bottles instead of the 4 or 5 I had been having since Sunday night. I can't stand this anymore. It is like this spirit takes over me at around 5pm and I see red. I can't see past the gratification of that first drink. But yesterday was another wake up call. Even though it was a short distance we could have been stopped or in an accident. The fact that I was slurring probably meant I was already drunk and didn't realize it. I do not want to keep on giving this example to my daughter! I am just sick of doing the same thing and getting worse and worse results. I am going to try to force myself to exercise today and meditate if I can't get to a meeting. I apoligize for the long post. I am started to rely more and more on SR and the support and PM's I have been receiving have really helped me.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I just came home from a noon AA meeting....14 sober alcoholics
were there discussing the various benefits of living w/o alcohol.
No one pointed out any positive things that happened when they drank
I certainly hope you will soon quit and move into a sober future.
.
were there discussing the various benefits of living w/o alcohol.
No one pointed out any positive things that happened when they drank
I certainly hope you will soon quit and move into a sober future.
.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
when i got into recovery i didnt know how many i should attend. the ball was put in my court when asked,"how many days a week did ya drink?"
then i started making excuses to miss meetings. i was told," well ya didnt miss one excuse to get drunk did ya? keep up the excuses and you'll get drunk. its your lie, you gotta live with it and if ya keep it up, one day the gun yer playin rusian roulette with will hit the chamber with the bullet in it."
i stopped making excuses to miss meetings.
then i started making excuses to miss meetings. i was told," well ya didnt miss one excuse to get drunk did ya? keep up the excuses and you'll get drunk. its your lie, you gotta live with it and if ya keep it up, one day the gun yer playin rusian roulette with will hit the chamber with the bullet in it."
i stopped making excuses to miss meetings.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Violet, I know your story well, it was once my own, different poison, same situation...
The only way to stop is to stop and take the option of ever drinking off the table.
When it has nothing left to offer but misery and an express ticket to hell...
not drinking is better than drinking. That's the truth of it for folks like us. We can wake up today, or in ten years, but it is true and will continue to be true. We can save ourselves a lot of pain if we wake up NOW
The only way to stop is to stop and take the option of ever drinking off the table.
When it has nothing left to offer but misery and an express ticket to hell...
not drinking is better than drinking. That's the truth of it for folks like us. We can wake up today, or in ten years, but it is true and will continue to be true. We can save ourselves a lot of pain if we wake up NOW
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 33
When you are struggling with recovery you find yourself surrounded by "triggers" Some are obviously like the shelf full of wine in the supermarket, some not so obvious. It's just your brain associating something with a pleasurable experience, or the relief of a need. I suspect the time of day is a "trigger." You can turn off those triggers by telling yourself at 5pm that a drink WILL NOT help. It will only make you go through this again tomorrow. It will ultimately make you feel worse. Every time you get the urge a 5pm or in the evening reason with it and tell it no. You know you don't want to do it and you know it will make you feel worse. Then if you can, do something different! Break the 5pm habit. Take your daughter out to the park or for an Ice cream, go to the store an buy yourself a treat for later (not alcohol :-) ), some Chocolate, a Cake as a reward for not drinking on that occasion. For not giving in to the "trigger". And give your daughter a hug and tell yourself the truth. You are going to make her life better as you make your own better!!
You can do it! After a while you won't think about drinking at 5pm. There are loads of weird "triggers" Even a person will act as a trigger. If you only see someone socially over a bottle of wine, when you see them in the street your brain will associate with the wine and you will feel like a drink. Every time you feel the need ask yourself..."what triggered that?" Then tell it no!! There is a good book called Healimg the Addicted Brain by Harold C. Urschell III, MD which deals with this amongst many other things. I can recommend it.
Remember... be proud of yourself!! You are trying and you want to stop... and you will do it!! You have loads of friends here and you will get loads of support out there! You are loved, especially by your daughter!! I did it, and if I can do it so can you!!!!!
You can do it! After a while you won't think about drinking at 5pm. There are loads of weird "triggers" Even a person will act as a trigger. If you only see someone socially over a bottle of wine, when you see them in the street your brain will associate with the wine and you will feel like a drink. Every time you feel the need ask yourself..."what triggered that?" Then tell it no!! There is a good book called Healimg the Addicted Brain by Harold C. Urschell III, MD which deals with this amongst many other things. I can recommend it.
Remember... be proud of yourself!! You are trying and you want to stop... and you will do it!! You have loads of friends here and you will get loads of support out there! You are loved, especially by your daughter!! I did it, and if I can do it so can you!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 33
Well put!!! I so agree! I see out of sober eyes, and the world looks so much better and my problems so much smaller, and I have stopped blaming everyone for my life. I want to help everyone to get better, not to have to go where I went!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by violetflame 
Yesterday was a rough day. I was very stressed out and exhausted from lack of sleep and pain all over my body. I dropped off my daughter (17) at office max to buy her school supplies while I did some errands. During said errands ,I ended up buying 3 small bottles of sutter home. I felt guilty but my PMDD and lack of sleep took over me . I usu can drink this amount and be ok but I guess my exhaustion and the fact I drank them in a 2 hour time span between 4:30 and 6:30 did not help. I picked her up and on the way home we stopped to check the mail and she asked me "Why are you talking like that?" I immediately panicked. "Talking how?" I responded. " You're slurring".. she answered. I immediately defended by saying I had gotten no sleep the night before and was completely exhausted. I don't know if she bought it or not. But it sobered me up and I did not buy any more wine. I forced myself to eat a sub I had bought, finished some laundry, and lied down. I also signed her school forms for the new school year. I ended up lying down and having to take a sleeping pill at 10 and not falling asleep till 12. I did sleep better last night and woke up less foggy. This is mainly because I drank 3 small bottles instead of the 4 or 5 I had been having since Sunday night. I can't stand this anymore. It is like this spirit takes over me at around 5pm and I see red. I can't see past the gratification of that first drink. But yesterday was another wake up call. Even though it was a short distance we could have been stopped or in an accident. The fact that I was slurring probably meant I was already drunk and didn't realize it. I do not want to keep on giving this example to my daughter! I am just sick of doing the same thing and getting worse and worse results. I am going to try to force myself to exercise today and meditate if I can't get to a meeting. I apoligize for the long post. I am started to rely more and more on SR and the support and PM's I have been receiving have really helped me.
A humble dude...
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Hartford CT
Posts: 2
If your not in AA .....Come to AA ...you see for years I "knew" of AA and did meetings...but I was never there....Until I REALLY made a decision to make it a complete part of my life.....well that's when a liitle work came back to me as a positive......I know you have heard it before BUT IT WORKS! Get a sponser....go to meetings as much as possible and read the big book.....God has a plan for you....do you pray.....if your not religious look at it as a practice to help humble yourself in your recovery... Get on your knees and pour out your soul as if your talking to yourself and ask for strength to get through each day....remember there are 24 hours in a day and we can start our day over with prayer at any hour to stay grounded....I wish you a
L the best from one addict to another.
L the best from one addict to another.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 804
Hi Violet,
Sorry to hear that you didn't make it through Tuesday evening; hope yesterday went better. And I'm going to play a little bit of devil's advocate...hope it's not too harsh. My first thought when I read your post was in your wording that you "ended up" buying three little wines. No one really ends up doing that, it was a conscious, planned decision. Even if it was not well thought out, it was still a plan. So, you have to make a plan to do something else instead. At very first, I didn't allow myself to go out alone. I know that's pathetic but I made one of my family members run down to the store with me , if needed, just in case I got an impulse. I only had to do that for a little while until I trusted myself again.
Also, we have talked about the PMDD. It truly sucks. But if it's not that, something else would. The truth is it's probably not going to go away anytime soon. So you will either have to find other ways of dealing with it or will continue drinking to cope. I def. noticed a link between drinking and PMDD but, like I said, that just gives me the knowledge to be more vigilant.
As for your daughter, she most likely knew what was going on. I have 18 and 21 year olds. They would never accuse me of being drunk but would instead say that I was acting "funny". We all knew what that meant but wouldn't come out and say it like it was. Didn't make it any less true though.
Well, hope yesterday went better. PM me if you'd like-especially around 5 if that's a hard time of day for you. Remember you really only have to get through today. Focus on now.
Sorry to hear that you didn't make it through Tuesday evening; hope yesterday went better. And I'm going to play a little bit of devil's advocate...hope it's not too harsh. My first thought when I read your post was in your wording that you "ended up" buying three little wines. No one really ends up doing that, it was a conscious, planned decision. Even if it was not well thought out, it was still a plan. So, you have to make a plan to do something else instead. At very first, I didn't allow myself to go out alone. I know that's pathetic but I made one of my family members run down to the store with me , if needed, just in case I got an impulse. I only had to do that for a little while until I trusted myself again.
Also, we have talked about the PMDD. It truly sucks. But if it's not that, something else would. The truth is it's probably not going to go away anytime soon. So you will either have to find other ways of dealing with it or will continue drinking to cope. I def. noticed a link between drinking and PMDD but, like I said, that just gives me the knowledge to be more vigilant.
As for your daughter, she most likely knew what was going on. I have 18 and 21 year olds. They would never accuse me of being drunk but would instead say that I was acting "funny". We all knew what that meant but wouldn't come out and say it like it was. Didn't make it any less true though.
Well, hope yesterday went better. PM me if you'd like-especially around 5 if that's a hard time of day for you. Remember you really only have to get through today. Focus on now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 343
I remember vowing I would not drink over the week-end, but by Friday afternoon it seemed that I was on auto-pilot. That was my ritual: Cash my check, go to the liquor store (where they recognized me, I'm afraid, and pulled the 1/2 gallon of Aristocrat vodka off the shelf before I even entered the building), stop by the grocery store for snacks and mixer, and pour that first drink in my "special" glass--the one with a great big initial on it. The anxiety would begin to melt as I took my first sip.
I had to learn a new script. Once I identified my pattern, as it seems you have done, I could take steps to alter it. Instead of the liquor store I went to AA or out for dinner with sober friends. I've known people who rearranged their living room furniture because they were too accustomed to drinking in the exisiting arrangement. I've known others who chose an alternate route home from work. Move a muscle, change a thought, they told me. So I did. It has been a while since I even considered a drink. No one would have predicted I could ever quit, but I have been sober for most of my adult life. I hope you can have a similar experience.
I had to learn a new script. Once I identified my pattern, as it seems you have done, I could take steps to alter it. Instead of the liquor store I went to AA or out for dinner with sober friends. I've known people who rearranged their living room furniture because they were too accustomed to drinking in the exisiting arrangement. I've known others who chose an alternate route home from work. Move a muscle, change a thought, they told me. So I did. It has been a while since I even considered a drink. No one would have predicted I could ever quit, but I have been sober for most of my adult life. I hope you can have a similar experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by MendipMan
When you are struggling with recovery you find yourself surrounded by "triggers" Some are obviously like the shelf full of wine in the supermarket, some not so obvious. It's just your brain associating something with a pleasurable experience, or the relief of a need. I suspect the time of day is a "trigger." You can turn off those triggers by telling yourself at 5pm that a drink WILL NOT help. It will only make you go through this again tomorrow. It will ultimately make you feel worse. Every time you get the urge a 5pm or in the evening reason with it and tell it no. You know you don't want to do it and you know it will make you feel worse. Then if you can, do something different! Break the 5pm habit. Take your daughter out to the park or for an Ice cream, go to the store an buy yourself a treat for later (not alcohol :-) ), some Chocolate, a Cake as a reward for not drinking on that occasion. For not giving in to the "trigger". And give your daughter a hug and tell yourself the truth. You are going to make her life better as you make your own better!!
You can do it! After a while you won't think about drinking at 5pm. There are loads of weird "triggers" Even a person will act as a trigger. If you only see someone socially over a bottle of wine, when you see them in the street your brain will associate with the wine and you will feel like a drink. Every time you feel the need ask yourself..."what triggered that?" Then tell it no!! There is a good book called Healimg the Addicted Brain by Harold C. Urschell III, MD which deals with this amongst many other things. I can recommend it.
Remember... be proud of yourself!! You are trying and you want to stop... and you will do it!! You have loads of friends here and you will get loads of support out there! You are loved, especially by your daughter!! I did it, and if I can do it so can you!!!!!
You can do it! After a while you won't think about drinking at 5pm. There are loads of weird "triggers" Even a person will act as a trigger. If you only see someone socially over a bottle of wine, when you see them in the street your brain will associate with the wine and you will feel like a drink. Every time you feel the need ask yourself..."what triggered that?" Then tell it no!! There is a good book called Healimg the Addicted Brain by Harold C. Urschell III, MD which deals with this amongst many other things. I can recommend it.
Remember... be proud of yourself!! You are trying and you want to stop... and you will do it!! You have loads of friends here and you will get loads of support out there! You are loved, especially by your daughter!! I did it, and if I can do it so can you!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 804
Hi Violet,
How are you doing? I know this tends to be a difficult time of day for you. It was for me as well although toward the end all of the time was difficult. I hope you've found some strength to get through this just for now. I try hard not to worry about the future or to rip myself apart about the past. I am working the steps with a sponsor and am trying to deal with one issue at a time.
I am not really one to give advice; I only have 90 days. But I will say that if I can do it , anyone can. I was at absolute rock bottom. I never, ever want to be back there and I try to keep that fresh in my mind.
Well, hope you are holding on for the moment.
Jen
How are you doing? I know this tends to be a difficult time of day for you. It was for me as well although toward the end all of the time was difficult. I hope you've found some strength to get through this just for now. I try hard not to worry about the future or to rip myself apart about the past. I am working the steps with a sponsor and am trying to deal with one issue at a time.
I am not really one to give advice; I only have 90 days. But I will say that if I can do it , anyone can. I was at absolute rock bottom. I never, ever want to be back there and I try to keep that fresh in my mind.
Well, hope you are holding on for the moment.
Jen
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 33
Hi Violetflame,
We are so pleased, as you can see, for your achievements. Keep going it will be worth it. I understand what you go through as does everybody here. I am sure i speak for everyone who replied to your post, if you ever need us, post or send a message. I check most days!
We are so pleased, as you can see, for your achievements. Keep going it will be worth it. I understand what you go through as does everybody here. I am sure i speak for everyone who replied to your post, if you ever need us, post or send a message. I check most days!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Well done, Violet. I was almost as dismayed as you were about your 'accidental' purchase. Yikes! I felt a lot better, as you did too I'm sure, to hear you say that you don't agree with the powerless premise, and that you are putting on your Big Girl Pants now. You are absolutely right that you know precisely what you are doing. It's great that you are taking responsibility for your drinking and have decided that you really are making that new life.
It helped me a great deal to think about that new life that was just waiting for me, all I had to do was reach out and grab hold with both hands. I think that you can do the same thing that I did, Violet. I wish you the best.
It helped me a great deal to think about that new life that was just waiting for me, all I had to do was reach out and grab hold with both hands. I think that you can do the same thing that I did, Violet. I wish you the best.
Hurricane Warning here in FL has me a bit edgy. But I will stay strong. Hope everyone is having a great and sober weekend!
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