Mygreatdebate

For the life of me, I cannot seem to wrap my mind around what I am going through. I was a heavy drinker for the last 10 years. Two DUIs in 1999/2000, three jail stints, two DUIs again in 2011. Is it ever enough for me? I am extremely functioning, so this makes the acceptance all the harder. I went to rehab 9 months ago to save my butt from jail and yes, while I am in the presence of treatment or AA, I can agree on some things.

So I am sent home, freedom is mine and new promises were made. Gotta get right with God, have a relationship, figure out how to live sober - that was something I have never done in the last 25 years of my life (well, not for at least more than a week). I've gone almost 9 months, completed 30 days in patient, 6 weeks of intensive outpatient, 8 more weeks of therapy and women's weekly meetings, AA and the sorts.

I was happy, I started seeing things that I never knew! This was amazing to me and I was having a grand old time. I didn't go to jail . . . whew... I kept my amazing job, I did have to move closer to work, but I will rent my home since I have been unable to sell it.

Insomnia, PAWS in the worst way the first 30 days, determination, hope, faith. Still not really sure I am alcoholic, I just decided to use that as a means because deep down inside I am unhappy with me and I truly don't like me.

How do I get to the point of surrender? I DO NOT want to hit rock bottom. How can it get any worse than what I had to go through AGAIN. The embarassment, the attorneys fees, the worrying am I going to lose it all AGAIN and have to start over.

I am on alcohol monitoring and am sure that quite possibly that is the only thing that was really keeping me sober. So after 9 months, I somehow convince myself that I am in control, knowing that if I get caught by this darned machine drinking, I can go straight to jail and I do drink. To the point where I had to ditch the test two days and now try to cover my tracks so my PO won't know.

This is exhausting. Why do I do this to myself? Why isn't my freedom, my life, my home, my daughter (who is grown and needs me to one day help with grandchildren) me - enough? Why aren't the blessings that I have enough? Why did I think it was okay to go ahead after all this time and drink? Lucky for me, the first day was only 3.5 drinks, but then the next time it was 6.

And here I am again, jeopardizing my freedom. My entire life. And yet I still argue and debate as to whether or not I am alcoholic. What the heck is wrong with me? lol

Maybe I will ask God to reveal this to me, to help me surrender. Cuz I still sure can't find it in my heart to believe it's 100% true. And knowing the alcoholic mind and how black and white it can be, if I can't completely accept something, I cannot embrace it 100%.

Some days I am tired. But, most days I have been completely blessed. I pray for the day that that is enough.

doggonecarl

You don't have to embrace that you are an alcoholic...

...you just have to embrace that you can never drink again.

Oh by the way, welcome to SR.

FredG

Acceptance -http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/tools/a/102297.htm

bbthumper

That was a great picture of powerlessness you just painted.
Given sufficient reason, can you stop drinking? Entirely? For good?
Sounds like you have had plenty of sufficient reasons to quit, but seem to be struggling to do so. Sounds like powerlessness. Sounds like you have lost the power of choice in drink. An alcoholic drinks, No matter what.

We can break the cycle. I found my answer in AA. Sounds like youve tested the water there. I say get active with it. Many people find their surrender in the rooms of AA. Sometimes it takes listening to others experiences to grasp powerlessness. Keep going to meetings. Get active. You can have a great life beyond what you can imagine. Just do what is suggested.

Best wishes to you!

lilyrosemary

if you're not ready, you are not ready. acceptance is the first step. so the alternative would be to continue drinking, until you hit the hypothetical bottom that you speak of. i am not sure what you determine to be the bottom. several duis, attorney fees, PAWS, alcohol monitoring...sounds like slavery to me. a slave to something that gives nothing back. i gave up drinking 2.5 years ago after drinking my entire life...35 years. i never had a dui, never had health problems, but i was a slave too. alcohol was just too close to the top of my list of priorities. i prayed my brains out for God to take away my obsession with alcohol which led me to treatment, where, in my heart i know, a miracle took place. God broke me down and made me new. the obsession is gone, completely. why me, why now? that i don't know, but i am eternally grateful. i feel that i, too, am so blessed with so many things, and i am finally saying "thank You" properly. it's my experience that there is a much better life for us without alcohol. God bless and i wish you the best.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR MyGreatDebate
Have you heard of the expression 'fake it til you make it'?

I'm not sure you have to accept something 100% to start work on it. I can't speak for anyone else but I know that I have always been plagued by doubt, about whether I was really an alcoholic, or whether I needed to quit completely... I think that's quite a common feeling really. What I did was to recognise any thoughts that supported the idea of drinking as my addictive voice, and chose not to engage with it, because I knew from experience that if I did I would be drinking. I pretended that I was totally confident about my decision and just got on with it. The doubts dissipate day by day.

I hope you stick with it for a bit x

2granddaughters

I had to get down on my knees and ask with every fiber of my being that GOD help me to quit fighting... to surrender to AA.

In the bible it says something like "If your faith is like a mustard seed you can move mountains". I was given that "seed" of hope and faith when I prayed for it. Kept me sober for over 23 yrs.

Are you going to AA? Do you have a sponsor?

I wish you the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

i am very sorry to hear yer strugglin. rock bottom is death( cant get lower than that) and you dont have to hit that. you can step off the elevator at any time. then, the best thing to do is make a decision.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power-that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing!. We stood at the turning point. We asked His care andprotection with complete abandon.

CarolD

Well....at least you have moved to a different place so perhaps
you will not be driving and drinking Stay home to drink if you
are not yet ready to stop drinking.
Some liquor stores even deliver the toxin to your door.

Please consider how dangerous and downright foolhardy that is
Killing and injuring yourself and others is possible each time
you start a vehicle Add in alcohol and the odds go up.

Yes I am an AA recovered alcoholic ...however there are other
methods/concepts and programs I did not try as I was already
sucessfully recovered before I was aware of them

God and the AA Steps took away my drinking obcession decades ago. I do use prayers for my emotional balance
and gratitude.

Even our AA BB says AA is not for everyone...perhaps
you might want to stay here with us and see
how others are living sans alcohol? I certainly hope you will.

Welcome to our recovery community...







.

foodie1

IMHO, the reason the blessings you have aren't enough is because you're placing alcohol first right now. Nothing will ever be enough if it's not alcohol...until you can surrender, that is.

I think we can all empathize with your debate, arguing in our heads over whether we can drink normally, why it never works when we try so dang hard, that feeling of utter failure when we're drunk yet again, another promise broken. This is the eternal debate of every alcoholic.

When your body and spirit have had enough, they'll let you know, and hopefully you'll be able to hear that little voice. It's scary as hell to give up the "safety" of what you know, but I think everyone here will tell you, it's well worth it. All the best to you!

myhappyproject

Thank you for your post. It makes me realize I'm not alone. You indicate you are extremely functioning, but I would argue that having had several DUI's and stints in jail are a sign that you really aren't functioning at all, just lucky to survive with your house, job etc... intact.

I've been struggling to control my drinking for a few years. I have a good week or at max thus far 2 and then I get an anxiety attack or over confident and think I can "handle" or "control" my behavior. I have a friend that successfully quit drinking and is now able to control and enjoy a glass of wine without slipping into the abyss, but I would say from what I see on the blogs that she is an exception.

I would also like to be an exception, but I'm a long way from claiming victory in even overcoming my demons at this point. I also have trouble identifying myself as an alcoholic. I'm not sure that I am, but what I am sure of is right now, today and for the foreseeable future, I can't control the amount of alcohol I drink once I start. Therefore, I need to stop all together. I have many friends and relatives who never and have never even touched the stuff. Life without drinking isn't a substandard life at all, it's a conscience life and perhaps that's what scares us the most.

I too have a lot to be thankful for and wonder why I would risk everything for a drink. Part of my current recovery plan is to couple it with a complete life evaluation and change program. I'm including eating habits, exercise and self-discovery. I know that I need to figure out my triggers and face them to erase them so that I can continue on my path.
I know my drinking accelerated during a period of self-doubt and extreme stress. Once I started using alcohol as a coping mechanism and it didn't impact my performance it accelerated, but I was also “functioning”. I took a more stressful job and then a bunch of family issues compounded the stress and again my drinking accelerated. I have to find a way to cope without dope;-) (for me it's alcohol)

I asked my good friend how she stopped drinking and she said she got sick and tired of being sick and tired and decided to make a change. If I count the ways that abusing Alcohol has impacted my life it's a no brainer. I drink because I'm unhappy, but I'm really unhappy with how drinking has impacted my life overall.

I quit smoking over 6 years ago and I thought that was never going to happen. Overtime I began to just think of myself as a non-smoker. I'm looking forward to the day that I can consider myself a non-drinker.

You’ve come to the forum for a reason. You are reaching out. To me that means that you really want to maintain your momentum from the 9 months you have, not the 2 days you slipped. Recommit yourself right now, stop beating yourself up and take the next step for you.

Justfor1

Functioning with 4 DUI's?? "Rock bottom" for some people including myself may be death. I have had many bottoms. Always thinking that was it. Only to be drunk again weeks or months later. I have had 3 dui's & that was my wakeup call to stop driving. I did continue to drink/drug for almost a decade getting arrested for more serious criminal violations. Since Aug of last year I have been sober for the entire year except 2 days. If I can do it anyone can because I was a complete mess.

Justfor1

Forgot one thing though. What do you mean by an alcohol machine? I have to have an awful device attached to my car. Or do you mean an actually alcohol machine attached to your body? I ask because if that is the case it could be triggered by many other things than you drinking alcohol.

Threshold

Why isn't it enough? the good things you have and stand to lose, and the horrible things you've experienced by drinking...

For ME...it wasn't enough because of fear. I fear. I drank and drugged because of my fears. I binged and starved myself because of fear. I chased insane relationships due to fear.

I was destroying my life NOW, over fear of a future that may never be.

Living in the now, and addressing my day to day help. Working my recovery program helps. In my case that means actively seeking and adding things to my program that address new issues as I recognize them, and being honest, open minded and willing.

What I have to watch out for is doomsday thinking and magical thinking, two things that led to big time trouble for me. Both of them are methods of me NOT dealing with my actual reality and giving in to fear.

My real question is, do I want to live more than I want to run from living. I figured I owed myself and life another shot.

RobbyRobot

When we surrender, we surrender power. And the power we surrender is the same power that is obviously out of our control. This means the actual control we think we already had is a delusion, and worse yet, we fear knowing the truth of those delusions.

The mental obssession to alcoholic drinking, as defined by AA, left to follow its own desires, is enough to eventually destroy all that is good in the drinkers life, and seriously damage the lives of those who love him or her.

The addictive nature of alcohol, having created the ambivalence back and forth of quitting and starting up again, is classic addiction 101 in action.

And some drinkers simply just want to quit, and be done with it all, move forward, and leave the trash at the curb.

The clearest example of surrender is to put the drink down now and forever. Several ways to accomplish that surrender are there for the taking, and they are reflected in different forums and threads here on SR.

For myself, AA and AVRT work well with my journey with a sans-alcohol life. Gestalt therapy too was essential for me to stay quit. SR works well as an excellent resource of fellowship and friendship with others in a sharing, responsible, caring community. A fantastic resource at one's fingertips.

Your post seems to show you very much want to quit, and for all the right reasons. It also shows you like playing with the power you experience while struggling with those life and death decisions. That struggle is the thing, imo, that you need to surrender, ASAP.

How you actually bring that surrender about, is purely personal choice for any of us who put down the drink, change, and get on with a life that does not struggle with alcoholic drinking.

Welcome to SR

Mygreatdebate

Thanks everyone for sharing with me. I'm going to keep fighting and asking my Higher Power to help me with surrender. I know the results if I continue to drink and I sure don't want to go out that way, so I will keep trying. Once I moved a month ago and started isolating myself, well I started getting sneaky again. When I am with sober people, I don't feel that way most of the time. 9 months, starting over again.