mirya

Hi everyone,
I hope I'm not breaching protocol by posting a thread here--I've only ever posted at the al-anon forum before. Let's just say I'm at that point where my long term boyfriend, a non-recovered alcoholic, and I are no longer together and I am struggling to focus on my life's goals for the first time in a long time. And the hard part is, my ex is obviously very sick and having a hard time letting go. This makes me very confused. I don't hear from him in ages, then he calls up drunk and we talk for hours about how he wants help, how still loves me, and will I wait for him to get straightened up etc--then I don't hear from him for weeks and weeks then bam another drunken call...I know I have to move on and quit picking up the phone I guess. I love him with all my heart and we were together for a long time...but I don't seem to be helping. And I've come to realize he has to help himself. I mean...I doubt he'll ever stay sober and I don't think a reunion is very feasible. We don't even live in the same state anymore! But...I want to understand!!! Why does he have to play these games with me? How I can be supportive while not letting him off the hook? I guess I just want to hear a little bit about what its like from someone who's been there--the drinking,relationships, the games and hurt. When he tried to get sober in the past I read up on alcoholism--but everything I read seemed so clinical. I want to know how people feel when they are going through this--does it even register how much its hurting the other people in your life. He once told me that if he could just "drink and get f***** up " without hurting me it would be all right with him, but its the hurting me that tears him up. That just sounds like he's in some sort of denial to me. I guess I just have to put it all behind me, but everyday I pray, "Dear God, I don't care if we never see one another again or never have the life together we used to dream about. Just help him get well." I'd love to hear about things from "the other side." Good luck with sobriety Everybody!
Take care,
Mirya

goldneon7

Hi Mirya,

Thank you so much for your post. It really helps to see things from your perspective. I am an alcoholic who has steamrolled through many relationships with my disease, and always had a way of making excuses for it. The problem is, that just like any other illness, it really is a disease that he has, and no, in his drinking state, he doesn't fully realize how much he is hurting you. I have a daughter who is now 7, and I think of how many times I selfishly indulged my disease with her there, and drank until I passed out and she couldn't wake me up. At the time, of course I wasn't planning on traumatizing her in ways that I won't be able to make up for, but I did, and I wasnt thinking about her first, I was thinking about myself--my pain, and my alcohol. My rational, sober self tells me I would never intentionally jeapordize her, and yet I have done just that, while drinking--many times. I have exploded on friends, and people that I love in a drinking rage, only to apologize again over and over. I have called an ex boyfriend drunk many times to tell him how much I love him, etc. When you are a drunk, you are still you, but a VERY ALTERED you, so you still have valid feelings, but what you don't realize is you constantly contradict the authentic you when you drink. Your prayers are just perfect. That is the best thing you can do. Your ex is the owner of all his feelings, his behavior, his drunken phone calls, his head games. You do not own these things, but what you do own is your prayers for him, and that is honestly the best thing for him. Good job for tough love!!!!! Keep it up. I know it is so hard, and it must hurt so much, but it will make you that much stronger to listen to your heart and take care of yourself and what you believe is right. Keep posting!! I am glad you did!
Nicole

CarolD

Hi Mirya...Wet druncks lie.

I suggest you stop taling his calls. He most likely will not remember....blackouts are part of alcoholism. And it seems to be upsetting you.

Not all loves are meant to last. Good luck with your next one.

mirya

Yeah I know...but why the Hell does he have to do it? Why call me at all? Why say he loves me if its over? Is it just cause his mind is messed up or is trying to use me. I always just told myself even if he really does still love me, his sickness is paralyzing him and its not like he can do anything about it so what's the point? I don't know...I know Carol's just straight shooting but when I read "all wet drunks lie" I hear "he never really loved you." And then I get mad at myself because I think I should be past that kind of living in the past stuff, you know? Maybe that what he's doing...just living in the past.
Thanks,
Mirya

CarolD

From my experience...

Active alcoholics love booze first...always.

For me...my family...men..sex...jobs...friends... were all there to feed my addiction

And sure...I loved them...they kept me drinking.