FenwayFaithful

I apologize for my amount of posts lately. I am struggling. I feel sort of guilty/annoying for starting so many threads but I am trying to reply to others when I can to make up for it...but I just need the support. Sometimes it's easier for me to get support online so I used that a lot...

I got black our drunk Friday after being sober for 3 months. Prior to that I'd been sober 8 months minus a drinking binge in April after my ABF got arrested. So I've spent most of the past year sober...

But my ABF was arrested again after leaving detox...IDK why...prolly for trying to score Coke...and ever since I blacked out Friday I haven't been able to stop drinking.

Tonight I tried so hard just to distract myself until the Packie closed at 11...but I ended up there anyway. Now a half-full pint of vodka is sitting next to me and I'm telling myself to pour the rest down the drain but my temptation is to drink more.

I try an pretend like I'm any better then my lying,cheating, heart breaking ABF but maybe I'm really not.

Tres

Sorry Fenway,
Quitting is not easy. If you fall six times then get up seven.

Drinking won't help anything or make anything better. It never does.

I suggestthrow it down the drain and ditch the ABF if at all possible. Focus on you.

CarolD

We have plenty of space for you to share on...

Sorry you are drinking again..it's not about beeing better than
anyone FF....it's all about doing something different to improve
your life....

For me...that required a lot of changes...includeing leaving my lover
who had no interest in anything positive.
He survived the break up...I thrived with my new life.
This can be true for you too.

The quicker you stop....the sooner you can move forward.

SoberMan2012

practice makes the master.

FenwayFaithful

I mean me and my ABF are pretty much over. He has a hell of a past with addiction and arrests. This stay in jail will *NOT* be a short one. I cannot afford to accept his calls so I have no idea what he has done. But I do know that after this what have to be over.

I know drinking helps nothing but the urge is strong when things are bad. And sometimes I feel it's easier to quit when I have someone to quit with/for.

I guess it's something I need to work on. I didn't pour the rest of that pint down the drain. I know I should but I can't. But I have made the decision I'm not drinking anymore tonight.

What sparked my drinking tonight was my ABF's attempt to call me from jail tonight and my lack of ability to accept his call. I really just wanted to hear his voice. And I honestly hate myself for that because I know I need to walk away. I know God has a different plan for me, a better plan that doesn't involve a drug addicted abusive alcoholic dragging me down...

fgo

good luck fenway.. your the only one that can stop you from drinking..

SlimSlim

Fenway:

I know that you're drinking right now, so this may not make sense, but you should have titled your post Won't Stop.

Tomorrow when you wake up is the time to start telling yourself Can Stop.

If you really want it, you can do it.

Taking5

This is one thing that attracts many to AA. Have you tried it?

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm also sorry see you still drinking FF.

There's some really great advice here tho - I think it is time for you to move on...& I think more support would be great too

D

FenwayFaithful

I’ve been to AA quite a bit.It does actually help.

But I am currently staying with my parents because my apartment is upstate where I am in Grad School. However, my summer job is here in the city where I grew up. So instead of paying two rents I simply stay with them during the summer and other holidays.

While yes, I am an adult, this is their house and they have lost a great deal of respect/trust in me after I started dating my ABF, which is understandable. They never liked AA so I always had to lie about where I was going. However, now it is not as easy to come up with an excuse as to where I’ll be. They are more likely to check up on where I say I’ll be so I end up paranoid the whole time that they’ll find out where I am.

I’ll be moving back to my apartment in just two weeks. Then I can come and go as I please but for now it’s difficult. For the record my parents don’t consider me an alcoholic (Which is ironic since they wanted to send me to rehab a couple years ago) they say I’m too young and I’m just being stupid and I just need to control how much I drink but I’m not an alcoholic, I mean it’s funny that I’ve admitted I am and they can’t despite everything they’ve seen and finding alcohol bottles in my room on more than one occasion.

I may be able to make it to a meeting at some point but it is not easy to simply go to one any time I need one. Especially at night, which is when I have the hardest time. It is difficult to come up with an excuse/reason for leaving the house for an hour that won’t make suspicious or that will actually allow me permission to leave.

You are right that it is up to me to stop. I am choosing to drink. I am not choosing to stay sober. I am drinking because it's "easier" and because I've been lucky enough to not face any serious consequences as a result of my drinking yet. I just hope I don't have to learn it the hard way. I've been to AA, I've read the stories here I know what the result of this can be.

I need to learn to want to stay sober when it's not "easy", not that it's ever easy but...I need to learn to stay sober when it's the last thing I want to do.

FredG

Everything depends on how much you want it.

Sobriety and the life that goes with it.

If you want it enough - doesn't matter what your parents think about it and as you start improving your life, I can pretty much assure you that their outlook will change.

If you want it enough - you'll find a way to make it to meetings. You'll develop a phone list of sober friends that you can call when a meeting isn't possible. The ironic thing is, when I wanted a drink, I ALWAYs found one. At one point I worked for the Hudson's Bay Co. in Northern Canada. The place I was in was a fly-in / fly-out dry community. It was against the law to bring in booze, yet I found a way to smuggle it in.

If you haven't lost absolutely everything you value in your life ... keep drinking ... you most certainly will

Fandy

what do your parents think of you when you are binge drinking black-out drunk?

Veritas1

I was listening yesterday to Mark H., and AA member that has recorded talks you can search and listen to.

He talks about being driven to drink. We are not choosing to drink.

Listening to speakers may be helpful to give you some new ideas when you can't get to a meeting.

Hope today is day one for you.


XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Mark H. at Big Bear, CA

Needsassistance

Ff, as a fellow sox fan I can't recommend spending on some time watching them, they certainly wont help, lol. I'm a horrible binge drinker that had multiple triggers, including relationship frustrations. Dont have the answers as we are all different, but I'm in counseling and in an IOP program that has helped me identify and better deal with With these triggers. Im optimistic you can do this, be selfish and focus on you and your sobriety.

Veritas1

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!


Mark H. from Austin, TX speaking on the steps in Cabo, Mexico - March 2008


XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Part 2


XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Part 3

FenwayFaithful

A lot of the times I drink like that my Mom is drinking to so she passes out early as well and doesn't notice. My Mom drinks a lot but isn't an alcoholic. At least I'm pretty sure she isn't. My Dad works at 5 every morning so he's in bed by 9 most nights.

Or I just stay in my room so she isn't aware of how drunk I am. I am pretty secretive about it. But they have been aware or a number of issues I've had drinking. On several different occasions and they basically just assume I don't know my limits or choose to drink past them.

We're not a very open family, we don't discuss a lot of things like that so I'm not sure exactly what they're thinking but I'd assume that's it. And I can promise you they have no idea how much I've been drinking this week. I've been buzzed every night but nothing bad enough that I couldn't hide it. Plus my Mom having a buzz lowers her uh ... I can't think of the damn word. But it makes her less aware of my behavior.
LOL Yeah I don't want the games any more this season actually. My name is kind of ironic. I just don't believe they deserve to be watched right now. It's like with the B's people stopped watching and going to the games, the team lost money and the players lost fans and things finally changed and they started working harder. The Sox need the same kind of treatment and need to stop acting like entitled brats.

I think getting into therapy is really important for me as well. I do plan to do this when I move to a more permanent residence in two weeks

Thanks you're right.

I don't want to lose everything.

I really am going to commit to AA meetings when I move back to my apartment. This will allow me to come and go to meetings as I please without lying. Additionally I will develop relationships with other AA members in the area in which I will be living.

But you are right I can come up with a million excuses but if it's something I really want nothing will stop me from getting it.

Fandy

your family dynamic on alcohol seems a bit warped? mama drinks until she passes out? but is dead set against you seeking help for what you see as an adult problem?

your mother drinks alot, passes our regularly but isn't an alcoholic? hmmm?

It's not for me to judge your wording. but I really think you would benefit by taking a step back and changing your focus to you and school.

I hope you feel better soon and move on to live a better life.

Sudz No More

It's good you are here writing about it, that means you care about sobriety.

Keep trying. Tomorrow is another day.

Jitterbugg

Hi Fenway,
It seems that you often cite your ABF as a reason to drink. I'm sure you would find another reason to drink if he were not in the picture. With or without him you have a drinking problem. I constantly found new reasons to drink, but the problem was me.

FenwayFaithful

You're right.

I've also drank because I'm stressed about school.

And because I'm on a first date.

And because it's girls night.

And because I'm anxious.

And because I'm coming down off Adderall.

And because I'm angry.

And because I'm shy.

And because I'm bored.

And because I need to talk to someone about something unpleasant.

The reasons are endless. But at the same time a major trigger for me IS relationships. But truth is I drink because I want to drink.

And Fandy maybe my family dynamic is messed up. Passed out was the wrong word. It's not like black out drunk but when she drinks she just falls asleep early...IDK...she def gets drunk but not inebriated.