FenwayFaithful

Well I blew it again last night.

Over 3 months sober.

I went out with friends. I’ve done that before and stuck to Diet Coke and soda water all night.

I told myself going out would be good for me. I could hang out with the designated driver; I wouldn’t be the only sober one.

Then I got there and thought the guy I love just ripped out my heart, again, and is in jail, again for God knows what… so haven’t I earned one drink? And I thought it’s just one drink, I will stop after 1 this time, it’ll be different.

Yeah well 6 FAST drinks later I’m blacked out drunk, needing to be carried home. I am lucky as hell I was with good friend because I could have easily been taken advantage of.


It was just so much easier to stay sober when I was focusing on my ABF and his problems, when I had someone to take care of, to keep safe etc... but now he's walked out of Detox and onto the street and now he's in jail and I have no idea why and I miss him so much and it hurts like hell and when things hurt like hell...I drink.

I wish I could drink like a normal person.I wish I didn't constantly make bad decisions and an idiot out of myself. I wish I didn't black out....but I do.

And I am so sick I had to call out of work. 10 hour shift which is over 100 dollars in my pocket. A 100 dollars I can really use. But no someone else will get that.

It was an extra shift given to me by my boss because I've been so dependable lately, showing up on time, staying late, always covering shifts...I could tell by her tone on the phone she won't be calling me to cover anymore...

How do you stay sober when it hurts just to be alive? Not to be emo or melodramatic but I feel like my heart has been grinded to hamburger. And thing is? Right now I feel numb. I think I'm still a little drunk. So it just encourages me to do this again. To feel "better" or at least focus on something else besides him

Well just for today I'll stay sober I'll go to Al Anon and AA and deal with this in a healthy way. I haven't been going to AA much, not following the steps or seeing a sponsor...I guess I should start.

Sapling

It's all about making changes FF....I used to live in Fenway....Sounds like it might not be a bad idea for you to leave that relationship behind you....Sounds toxic if getting sober is your goal.

FenwayFaithful

Well I'm done with him after this.

It's the 2nd time he's been arrested in three months.

And I couldn't even tell you how many other times he's been arrested over the past 10 years because it's happened so often.

But he was my best friend too. It just sucks. Plain and simple.

Living in the city across the street from a bar and 15 others doesn't help matters. I also live two blocks from a packie. Not easy to stay sober under those circumstances. It's very tempting

Last night was especially bad. Should have stayed home.

notinline

there will always be bars and booze stores. anyone can get sober anywhere. the more i tell myself that these temptations make it too hard for me to stay sober the more i will them as an excuse to get drunk.

SlimSlim

Fenway:

For some people, looking at things "just for today" is the best approach.

Glad to see you realized that your relationship with your ABF was a toxic one. By putting the focus on him, you took the emphasis off of yourself. Right now, you and your sobriety have to be your top priority.

Have you read Drinking A Love Story by Caroline Knapp? The author lived in Boston and it took her quite some time to admit and act on her very dangerous alcoholism. It is very well written, easy to read and so insightful. You may see a lot of yourself in this book and it could be another tool to help you stay sober.

Hope you go to a meeting today. Sobriety is hard work, but it is worth it.

Drinking offers nothing but a downward spiral, while sobriety opens the doors to all kinds of possibilities.

oneeyedjackie

Hi Fenway, I basically had the same experience as you this week. I had 100 days under my belt, was feeling great. Then I got into a catastrophic fight with my boyfriend and I thought I deserved 'one.' Well it took me four days to get out of that backslide. All we can do is start again.

2granddaughters

Sounds like a great plan to me.

All the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

"Well just for today I'll stay sober I'll go to Al Anon and AA and deal with this in a healthy way. I haven't been going to AA much, not following the steps or seeing a sponsor...I guess I should start. "


good on ya. i am guessin that by you guessin ya saw something in the people that is drawin ya back to AA?

CarolD

FF.... No.. but perhaps going out with sober people instead of drinkers?
AA is where I met new friends who shared my goal of recovery..

CarolD

oneeyedjackie...

Welcome to our recovery community
Glad to know you are re starting your sobriety...

I too returned to drinking....more than once....before
I settled in to my new life as a sober person.

oneeyedjackie

Thanks Carol - going into my third day and feeling like all I want is to get more days back. I started reading the big book and am looking for meetings. I didn't go before, and I certainly think constant reminders and support are what I need.