EmmyG

I've written before about my husband, and I'm really confused. I know I can't control him, nor do I want to, but I would like to understand him. It's hard to find information on his type.

He moved here from the UK five years ago when we got married. All of his friends were big drinkers, bingers, and life revolved around football and the pub. It was a little bit of culture shock when he came here, as well as the shock of having a wife and soon after, a baby. The first year we were married, he binge-drank probably 6 times. The second year, a little less, and so on. The last two years, he's had two benders. The first was after not having drank for one year...he decided he felt "good" and could have a couple pints. That didn't go well. Another year of no drinking passed. Then a friend visited from England and he wanted to feel "normal" once again and have a few. That ended with me leaving and a good month of on-and-off binges, along with a drunk in public. When he does drink, it's ugly...anger, crying, non-stop drinking. It's almost like he's allergic to it.

Since that incident a couple of months ago, not a drop. He doesn't touch the stuff. He went alone to a friend's birthday party (who has seen him drunk) and joked about how he can't drink. He can even have alcohol in the house and it's not a problem. He works hard at his business, is home every night, and plays with the kids. We have fun together and get along. Everything is great. According to him, he doesn't even think about drinking, and doesn't even like it, but sometimes does it because he thinks "this" time it will be different.

It's really hard to understand because when I look into alcoholism, he doesn't fall into most of the criteria. Also, the frequency of his drinking has actually lessened, not progressed. He thinks if he attends meetings and makes friends who don't focus on drinking, he will be fine. He says he just can't drink, it's simple as that.

The thing that bothers me is, if every time you drink it's horrible...why would you ever do it again? And how can he do so well for a year and then make that choice? Why doesn't he drink the rest of the time? I don't have to worry that he'll hit a bar on the way home or on a business trip...it's more like the rare occasion of the friend coming, him swearing he won't drink, and then him caving and taking that first drink. It's hard because our life is great until something like that comes up. I don't want to be his mommy or not let him do anything, but I don't want to live like that forever. He is a nightmare drunk.

kittycat3

Wish I could understand too, I'd have saved myself a lot of heartache.
My favorite definition of alcoholism has nothing to do with quantity but what happens when you drink. Even if you only drink a handful of times a year, itswhat happens that matters.
You may not find a satisfying answer. We are all diiferent and it's so complex. Trying to find a box to put him in may be counterproductive if it delays in acceptance of the issue.

zany90

Im sorry i know its hard to understand pet - im an alcoholic, and when it goes wrong it is the most hell a person can endure - i understand that people living around an alcoholic do not deserve anything and its hell for them too but the person in an active alcoholic bender is going through hell aswell as selfish as they may seem

There is no simpler an answer to your question as to why do it again than - its an addiction. Addiction feeds lies. It feeds lies to the addict, the addict believes the lies as much as the sky is blue that a few pints is ok, worst they feed lies to everyone else and them selves... Whether its once a year or once a decade, if when someone drinks they loose control completely, its alcoholism - ie, an alcoholic... It might not happen right away, thats how john barleycorn is deceiptful, a few times will let the drinker away with having a few and being ok, great night, then BOOM as soon as any confidence is regained. It is the most deceitful addiction i could be aware of, and ive been treated in centres around heroin, amphetamine and cannabis "addicts" aswell. Nothing compares to the alcoholic addiction

An alcoholic is addicted to ethyl alcohol no matter what the effects or consequences. This does not make him a selfish person because the addicted brain does not contemplate the "bad".. The addicted person does not think "i know this will go wrong and i will hurt people but i will do it anyway" what so ever.. the addiction feeds lie after lie that states its so refreshing and lovely and it will be fine and everyone does it, it will be so good... An alcoholic is the one addict that people percieve as selfish but they are anything but, the remorse and guilt of hurting people when you are so convinced it wasnt going to be that way, and that you were going to put your love for people before this drink and control it is so "cunning, baffling and powerful" it cant be explained to a non-alcoholic. People recover, dont ever loose faith if you love him

awuh1

Emmy, I don’t know if you have read this but read “The doctors opinion” and “More about alcoholism” in this link. ----> Big Book On Line
The part about the jay walker would seem most applicable. Hope it helps.

zany90

and on the note of cunning, baffling and powerful... a bender can be so bad that a person will swear to never drink again after such a nightmare and last a LONG LONG time...

but then it can get "too good"... confidence is regained in self-control... "im doing great, ive stayed off it x amount of time im clearly fine, i could handle a few pints this time, maybe i just had a bad nights drinking"... its always there in the background whispering, then one day a trigger goes off and it screams "youre ok for gods sake just have a couple look how well youre doing"... maybe get away with it a few times, which builds more and more confidence in how much you can control your drinking, then BOOM, smeared across the wall.. whether it takes minutes, hours, weeks, months or years, after the first drink it will kick off again at some point. If he realises its an issue then that is a huge step towards recovery because people live their entire lives in this delusion that they are fine no matter how many bad experiences they have

because an alcoholic addiction only ever remembers the good times - that time i had a few pints and met my wife, the music that night or that few pints at the bbq...

I cant explain it - its a strange strange phenomenon but it can be fixed as long as the person knows they "have it" - which is the hardest bit because of how deceitful it is

zany90

Sorry this is the third post - i will say, that i have an aunt who drinks all day every day, she is never really drunk, but never really sober.. i always thought that was an alcoholic... it could be in some sense

But i get periods of sobriety, i love life, i dont touch it, dont desire it, gain interest in new things, but then it creeps in. i try it, i get away with it, ive lit a fuse at that point, the psyche changes entirely, "im fine", not even thinking im fine, just not even a contemplation... then eventually fk-ing BANG.. and it can last for days sometimes and i come out the other end shaking, embarassed, apologetic, ashamed and confused. i now know that that makes me an alcoholic, whether i havent had a drink in months or not... thats where the deception is its one that cant be pigeonholed

zany90

Chapter 5- How it works

also

Forward12

It doesn't sound like you husband is an alcoholic in any way, just can't handle his liquor.

I knew someone like that as well that would get really aggressive, could barely walk, and completely incoherent when he drank. These people I think may not realize how bad they are, as to not really "learn" their lesson

But to only have this happen once a year, is it really that bothering to you?

CarolD

I'm hopeing you are attending Al anon meetings for support.

I also think your husband would benefit from hooking into
meetings and getting to know other sober men.
I think that was a positive idea he had.

I found them immensley helpful when dealing with loved
ones in addiction.

All my best to you ..your husband and children...

EmmyG

Well, to be honest...if his episodes didn't get him in trouble and we didn't have kids, once a year wouldn't bother me. But he changes dramatically when drunk, to the point where the normally happy and sweet guy is nasty and aggressive...he's pushed me when I'm that state and said some nasty things. Also, he gets wreckless (like getting the drunk in public, which didn't stick fortunately). I am not a believer in the theory that a drunk person speaks the truth, because he doesn't remember half of what he says and does when drunk, and most of it isn't true. I remember once years ago, in my early 20's, I drank too much one might and told off my best friend, something that horrified me because I had no ill feelings toward her whatsoever. I think personally, he just can't drink normally, and he obviously is aware of that because he doesn't drink 99% of the time. It's that confidence that comes back every time that does him in..

sugarbear1

I know many alcoholics who attend AA, who are considered Binge Drinkers or Periodic Drinkers. The medical book, the DSM V will include binge drinkers in their definition of alcoholism.

Only your husband can decide if he's an alcoholic or not, no one else can make such a decision.

Have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous? It's online and in an audio version, I think both are on silkworth.net. There's also a chapter called To The Wives.

I wish you well,

kittycat3

Sorry forward, but I disagree with the tone of your post. It clearly does bother her and it would bother me too. It only takes one bad drunk to get into a car crash and kill himself or others, or irreparably damage a relationship (physical harm is never OK.)

PaperDolls

Emmy - I agree with awuh's suggestion. The first 164 pages is the program, specifically More About Alcoholism and To The Wives may help. Reading all 164 sure wouldn't hurt.

I'll tell you though, as an alcoholic, I have a difficult time understanding some of my behavior when I was drinking.

And the allergy thing ..... it's in the Big Book. Alcohol affects me differently than some normal drinkers ... I have an allergy. Some disagree with this statement but I find for me, it fits.

zany90

if someone gets out of control, this could mean unable to walk, falling down, drinking for days and talking nonsense, even being verbally or physically abusive... if it happens once a year, when that once a year is when the man takes a drink, the man is an alcoholic

i disagree aswell. no drink, no drunk. no drunk, no drama. "only once a year?" is a rediculous statement to make if its affecting a family

MetalChick

You should probably be in the friends and family room on this. You are not going to "get" it
Hell, we don't even understand the 'whys" sometimes.

Good luck