Vanish into thin air
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: oslo
Posts: 14
Vanish into thin air
Hello..
I chose the name mrStetson because I love Stetson hats. Not the cowboy hats. The sixpences. I also love to drink. Well, I actually hardly even drank my entire life. I Chug. One beer, two beers, three beers, white russian, beer, jager, beer, beer, russian, beer. Always checking my watch, scared to death it soon will be 03.00. Thats when the bars close here in Oslo. Ive been drinking every weekend for 14 years (more or less), and 80% of the times I blackout. Falling asleep in the middle of the city, walking around talking a language no one understands (I used to be kind of famous for this), or spending the night in jail.
An oddety is I never tasted alcohol until I was 20 years old. Mostly due to the fact that I didnt hit puberty until this age. So I hung out with a younger crowd. People the same age as me, bullied me in high school. Sure I was sad at times. but overall I was a happy kid (with a teenagers age).
So by the time I was twenty, my friends was about sixteen. We started to drink, or chug. Chug like crazy. The first time a couple of beers. The next time, Whiskey. Then it was a half a litre of Vodka in two zips. I loved it. I was so happy when I was drunk. We used to buy the newest hiphop tapes on weekdays, and just waited for the weekend, so we could chug ourself out of our minds og listen to our new music. Hit the streets and do graffiti, spaced out. People used to think I was on acid, because they refused to believe anyone could be this way just from drinking. Energetic, punching walls, chewing glass, before blackening out.
Then my youngest brother got leukemia. I was devestated. But only when I was alone. Weekends I drank. I donated my bone marrow(?). He surviwed. One year later my mother died from cancer. I was devestated. When I was alone that is. On the weekends I drank. Couple of weeks went by, and I was no longer sad she was gone. I guess i told myself she would want me to be happy. Still I picked up the habit of trying to pick fights with elder men. Wanting to get beat up. Maybe due to the fact I never in my life had an conversation with my strict scotish father. allthough he was always around, providing for us. I was scared of him. But I was never picking on anyone before my mother died..
Some years later I met the first girl I ever loved, at age 24. She opened me up for a whole new catalogue of feelings I never even knew existed. We broke up. I was devestated. For some weeks, before happy-chugging again.
Then I found my father with a stroke in the bath tub. Once more, devestated. For some weeks that is. He surviwed. Then I chugged some more.
Always weekends only.
Three years ago my ex-girlfriend died. Heroin-overdose. And that is when it all changed. Everytime I drink now its different. I mean, I feel empowered the first couple of beers, but then it all hits me. The fact the most beautyful face I ever seen (my ex) is gone forever has awoken the mamas boy I used to be for 20 years, and hes finally catching up with me. She is gone. I will never see her again.
This awakening should really be a blessing. It has made me realize I am ruining my life, my goals and talent for songwriting. But still, I cant help myself. I can go for weeks without drinking. I do not crave alcohol on a daily basis. Never did. I do not crave the taste. Never did. But there are theese little triggers. This voice that tells me I need to drink a little bit to relax, ot even to meet girls.
So I try. One beer. Fine. Two beers. I no longer care about girls or relaxation. All I want to do now is chug. Chug until there is nothing left.
Last week I got my first tattoo ever to honour my mother who has been dead for 12 years, this wednesday. I decided to make this a symbol for getting my life together. Two days later two old buddies from my real home town came to visit me. I told myself I would be strong. I had work the next day, and the last bus had an 00.23 departure. Just a couple of beers we told ourselves.
So we hit a strip club. 00.21 I was happy as heck theese chumps had forgotten to check their watches, which ment we had to catch the first bus in the morning at 04.45. More beer!
I never showed up for work the next day. They shaked their head in disbelief on how irresponsable I was. They do not understand. I have hinted many times to my friends even my family that I really, really, REALLY need to quit. But since I am such a happy person, always making sure everyone is having a laugh (in my sober state+ first 10 beer state) they think itsjust the regular "never again"-speech. I mean, its like the boy who cried wolf. Since I dont drink everyday, they think its just a case of a heavy hangover. Its not. Its the devil breathing down my neck..
I even told them.. Either I quit, or I am going to drink myself to death..
"Relax! Youre not an alcoholic." "You need to learn how to control yourself". How about someone for once said "Youre 34 years old, youre not supposed to get arrested for walking around downtown with your penis out, urinating down your pants"?
Insted we did two more days of hard drinking, plus some cocaine and a little hash.
Ive done mdma, ive done lsd, the last six months. Only because the clubs were shut, before I got my blackout..Maybe Im not an alcoholic, but my problem is real. Drugs has never been a problem for me though. I hardly ever felt the effects. To drunk. Alcohol is my weapon of choice.
What am I? Perhaps I dont crave alcohol like real alcoholics do, but do you call someone that is 1000% incapable of enjoying alcohol.. Someone who never wants it to end, once it starts?
Sometimes it feels like I just want to drink until I vanish into thin air? Does that make sense for anybody else? I made this thread to see if Im all alone or not?
I chose the name mrStetson because I love Stetson hats. Not the cowboy hats. The sixpences. I also love to drink. Well, I actually hardly even drank my entire life. I Chug. One beer, two beers, three beers, white russian, beer, jager, beer, beer, russian, beer. Always checking my watch, scared to death it soon will be 03.00. Thats when the bars close here in Oslo. Ive been drinking every weekend for 14 years (more or less), and 80% of the times I blackout. Falling asleep in the middle of the city, walking around talking a language no one understands (I used to be kind of famous for this), or spending the night in jail.
An oddety is I never tasted alcohol until I was 20 years old. Mostly due to the fact that I didnt hit puberty until this age. So I hung out with a younger crowd. People the same age as me, bullied me in high school. Sure I was sad at times. but overall I was a happy kid (with a teenagers age).
So by the time I was twenty, my friends was about sixteen. We started to drink, or chug. Chug like crazy. The first time a couple of beers. The next time, Whiskey. Then it was a half a litre of Vodka in two zips. I loved it. I was so happy when I was drunk. We used to buy the newest hiphop tapes on weekdays, and just waited for the weekend, so we could chug ourself out of our minds og listen to our new music. Hit the streets and do graffiti, spaced out. People used to think I was on acid, because they refused to believe anyone could be this way just from drinking. Energetic, punching walls, chewing glass, before blackening out.
Then my youngest brother got leukemia. I was devestated. But only when I was alone. Weekends I drank. I donated my bone marrow(?). He surviwed. One year later my mother died from cancer. I was devestated. When I was alone that is. On the weekends I drank. Couple of weeks went by, and I was no longer sad she was gone. I guess i told myself she would want me to be happy. Still I picked up the habit of trying to pick fights with elder men. Wanting to get beat up. Maybe due to the fact I never in my life had an conversation with my strict scotish father. allthough he was always around, providing for us. I was scared of him. But I was never picking on anyone before my mother died..
Some years later I met the first girl I ever loved, at age 24. She opened me up for a whole new catalogue of feelings I never even knew existed. We broke up. I was devestated. For some weeks, before happy-chugging again.
Then I found my father with a stroke in the bath tub. Once more, devestated. For some weeks that is. He surviwed. Then I chugged some more.
Always weekends only.
Three years ago my ex-girlfriend died. Heroin-overdose. And that is when it all changed. Everytime I drink now its different. I mean, I feel empowered the first couple of beers, but then it all hits me. The fact the most beautyful face I ever seen (my ex) is gone forever has awoken the mamas boy I used to be for 20 years, and hes finally catching up with me. She is gone. I will never see her again.
This awakening should really be a blessing. It has made me realize I am ruining my life, my goals and talent for songwriting. But still, I cant help myself. I can go for weeks without drinking. I do not crave alcohol on a daily basis. Never did. I do not crave the taste. Never did. But there are theese little triggers. This voice that tells me I need to drink a little bit to relax, ot even to meet girls.
So I try. One beer. Fine. Two beers. I no longer care about girls or relaxation. All I want to do now is chug. Chug until there is nothing left.
Last week I got my first tattoo ever to honour my mother who has been dead for 12 years, this wednesday. I decided to make this a symbol for getting my life together. Two days later two old buddies from my real home town came to visit me. I told myself I would be strong. I had work the next day, and the last bus had an 00.23 departure. Just a couple of beers we told ourselves.
So we hit a strip club. 00.21 I was happy as heck theese chumps had forgotten to check their watches, which ment we had to catch the first bus in the morning at 04.45. More beer!
I never showed up for work the next day. They shaked their head in disbelief on how irresponsable I was. They do not understand. I have hinted many times to my friends even my family that I really, really, REALLY need to quit. But since I am such a happy person, always making sure everyone is having a laugh (in my sober state+ first 10 beer state) they think itsjust the regular "never again"-speech. I mean, its like the boy who cried wolf. Since I dont drink everyday, they think its just a case of a heavy hangover. Its not. Its the devil breathing down my neck..
I even told them.. Either I quit, or I am going to drink myself to death..
"Relax! Youre not an alcoholic." "You need to learn how to control yourself". How about someone for once said "Youre 34 years old, youre not supposed to get arrested for walking around downtown with your penis out, urinating down your pants"?
Insted we did two more days of hard drinking, plus some cocaine and a little hash.
Ive done mdma, ive done lsd, the last six months. Only because the clubs were shut, before I got my blackout..Maybe Im not an alcoholic, but my problem is real. Drugs has never been a problem for me though. I hardly ever felt the effects. To drunk. Alcohol is my weapon of choice.
What am I? Perhaps I dont crave alcohol like real alcoholics do, but do you call someone that is 1000% incapable of enjoying alcohol.. Someone who never wants it to end, once it starts?
Sometimes it feels like I just want to drink until I vanish into thin air? Does that make sense for anybody else? I made this thread to see if Im all alone or not?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
Drinking to oblivion, embarrassing yourself, being irresponsible, using drugs when alcohol is not available?
I think you'll find a lot of people who identify with that here
That was my way of drinking too - and I call myself an alcoholic.
Labels don't matter tho - it's clearly a problem for you, you'll find a lot of support in dealing with your problem here
D
I think you'll find a lot of people who identify with that here
That was my way of drinking too - and I call myself an alcoholic.
Labels don't matter tho - it's clearly a problem for you, you'll find a lot of support in dealing with your problem here
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: oslo
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Drinking to oblivion, embarrassing yourself, being irresponsible, using drugs when alcohol is not available?
I think you'll find a lot of people who identify with that here
That was my way of drinking too - and I call myself an alcoholic.
Labels don't matter tho - it's clearly a problem for you, you'll find a lot of support in dealing with your problem here
D
I think you'll find a lot of people who identify with that here
That was my way of drinking too - and I call myself an alcoholic.
Labels don't matter tho - it's clearly a problem for you, you'll find a lot of support in dealing with your problem here
D
Some weeks ago I went home with this woman I met (for the first time in quite som while). Cute nurse. Eventually we went to her bedroom. I told her I had to go to the toilet, just because a voice told me she had more wine left in her glass. Came back after a while and I fell asleep. I only wnet out that night to look for girls. One zip, and Im a blackout machine. I want it to stop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: oslo
Posts: 14
Also, Ive been reading topics from this forum from time to time and Im absolutely astounded by some of the stories I read. Even though I really cant relate to have an constant urge to drink (actually I do, but I can easily allow myself to wait for the weekends). Thats why Im so lost.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Read the doctors opinion and chapter 1 to 11. You may find yourself in those pages.
Big Book On Line
Big Book On Line
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
Aaah yes, party outside to forget the mess inside.
Wild friday/saturday nights out so at least you're happy when you're out.
Pick fights, pick up strange girls (or in any case try to), anything but just be.
I know a bit about all that.
I was never big on blackouts, and I did my fair share of solo drinking, but I know quite a bit about all that and it's the out of control wildness that eventually brought me here as well. Wears you down, doesn't it?
I'll say it!
Youre 34 years old, you're not supposed to get arrested for walking around downtown with your penis out, urinating down your pants.
I'll add something else.
I'm 26 years old, I shouldn't proposition women in a bus shelter on the way home... then urinate there (after the women left).
Hope you feel less alone, and I wish you good luck.
Wild friday/saturday nights out so at least you're happy when you're out.
Pick fights, pick up strange girls (or in any case try to), anything but just be.
I know a bit about all that.
I was never big on blackouts, and I did my fair share of solo drinking, but I know quite a bit about all that and it's the out of control wildness that eventually brought me here as well. Wears you down, doesn't it?
Originally Posted by mrStetson
How about someone for once said "Youre 34 years old, youre not supposed to get arrested for walking around downtown with your penis out, urinating down your pants"?
Youre 34 years old, you're not supposed to get arrested for walking around downtown with your penis out, urinating down your pants.
I'll add something else.
I'm 26 years old, I shouldn't proposition women in a bus shelter on the way home... then urinate there (after the women left).
Hope you feel less alone, and I wish you good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: oslo
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Dee74
a lot of us here are binge drinkers or people who only drink on weekends....
You'll find a lot of points of similarity here if you look for them
D
You'll find a lot of points of similarity here if you look for them
D
"Why should you quit? So what all theese bad things happen, you only have one life. Dont miss out by being sober."
Its funny. Deep down inside I remember that walking around barefoot in Munich
in october looking for my hotel for 4 hours was a horryfying, neverending nightmare when it happened. When I think about it now though, I consider it one of the most epic experiences ever! It wasnt! At the same time it was. Its f`d up.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
I often drank to the point that I would pray to God just to take my life during the night. However, dying from alcoholism can be a slow, progressive & excruciating thing. Check out the youtube "Rain in My Heart." Dying of alcoholism due to liver failure is neither quick nor' pretty.
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Also I lost my mobile and my passport the night before I was supposed to go to work. Lost my bank card couple of weeks ago. No ID, no way of going to the bank to take out money. I dont even care. Ive been trained to do this since childhood. Block it all out. If Im alive, Im happy and everything will be allright. This is the going back to happy stage of my drunkardness this weekend.
There is a voice telling me right now that my oncoming good mood is proof I can drink again. I have no ID!!! I chose cocaine over work!!! This voice is so stupid.
There is a voice telling me right now that my oncoming good mood is proof I can drink again. I have no ID!!! I chose cocaine over work!!! This voice is so stupid.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by mrStetson
Its funny. Deep down inside I remember that walking around barefoot in Munich in october looking for my hotel for 4 hours was a horryfying, neverending nightmare when it happened. When I think about it now though, I consider it one of the most epic experiences ever! It wasnt! At the same time it was. Its f`d up.
Nearly lost conciousness from dehydration once while climbing up a rockface drunk out of my mind. I remember thinking "I'm going to fall now, I'll die here." On the other hand, it's a cool story. Well, it is and it isn't a cool story, it's f'ed up like you say.
I remember what one guy said when I told him that one: "If I was a psychologist, I'd say you're trying to kill yourself." Maybe he was right, and maybe we can keep the stories but only as memories.
Maybe we can try to actually live now, I think that's what I want, and I think it's what you want too.
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Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Someguy23
Fun stories, yeah, making life less gray. I've got my share of those stories. Incredibly lucky I always avoided getting arrested and never had more than minor injuries.
Nearly lost conciousness from dehydration once while climbing up a rockface drunk out of my mind. I remember thinking "I'm going to fall now, I'll die here." On the other hand, it's a cool story. Well, it is and it isn't a cool story, it's f'ed up like you say.
I remember what one guy said when I told him that one: "If I was a psychologist, I'd say you're trying to kill yourself." Maybe he was right, and maybe we can keep the stories but only as memories.
Maybe we can try to actually live now, I think that's what I want, and I think it's what you want too.
Nearly lost conciousness from dehydration once while climbing up a rockface drunk out of my mind. I remember thinking "I'm going to fall now, I'll die here." On the other hand, it's a cool story. Well, it is and it isn't a cool story, it's f'ed up like you say.
I remember what one guy said when I told him that one: "If I was a psychologist, I'd say you're trying to kill yourself." Maybe he was right, and maybe we can keep the stories but only as memories.
Maybe we can try to actually live now, I think that's what I want, and I think it's what you want too.
I remember somehow ending up snorting speed with some bandidos bikers (not my crowd at all) at this afterparty. One of them had booze, and that was it. I started chugging, next thing you know this prospect wanted to beat the sh out of me because I was spitting on the floor all the time. I couldnt even remember doing this. But Ive been told numerous times its one of my regular pre-blackout traits. Fortunatly for me the other bikers was cool and escorted me out, even gave me a cigarette. So I smoked the cigarette, before I layed down in the grass by the motorway, and prayed to God he would send me a girl I could love more than alcohol. An absolutely horrifying night! Still, I kind of cherish the fact that it happened. I have no idea why..
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"Why should you quit? So what all theese bad things happen, you only have one life. Dont miss out by being sober."
How many days and nights do you not remember, Mr S...how many things with friends and family have you gotten out of because you were ill....how many relationships has you're drinking ruined...how many times have you put yourself in a dangerous situation and later thought 'gee...I was lucky'?
Now I think yes, we only have one life - don't miss it by being drunk
D
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by mrStetson
Still, I kind of cherish the fact that it happened. I have no idea why..
Our ethnic and professional backgrounds are about as different as you can get but a lot of your story and the way you relate and react to alcohol rings true to me. Like Dee74 and Sudz_No_More, I think you're at the right place.
This is why I posted on your thread. I generally don't post on newcomer's threads, I've barely just started my own recovery and, since I can't offer any practical advice, I might as well shut up.
I come from a big drinking culture too, and I used that as an excuse too, but it's a crock. Our behaviour when drunk would be abnormal in any culture. I also used to say I drank to relax or to meet girls and that I'd stop when I'd meet the right one. I think it's a crock as well, at least for me.
Speaking strictly for myself now, I have to admit that all the crazy/wild was killing my self-respect. The person I am while drunk isn't a complete stranger, but he's a caricature of who I really am, and I was losing sight of that. Frankly, I'm better than who I am when I'm drunk and it's time I act like it.
I don't know you in real life, but just the fact that you wanted someone to stop minimizing your drunken misdeeds and tell you it's not okay to walk around downtown with your penis out proves you too are better than who you are when you're drunk.
I'll let others better qualified for it to give you advice, but I give you my best wishes.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
You won't just vanish into thin air...drinking and drugging will
make you sicker and sicker....it's a destructive way to be..
hope you will soon quit slideing down that dark hole
You won't just vanish into thin air...drinking and drugging will
make you sicker and sicker....it's a destructive way to be..
hope you will soon quit slideing down that dark hole
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Are you ready to stay stopped?
"I have hinted many times to my friends even my family that I really, really, REALLY need to quit. But since I am such a happy person, always making sure everyone is having a laugh (in my sober state+ first 10 beer state) they think itsjust the regular "never again"-speech. I mean, its like the boy who cried wolf. Since I dont drink everyday, they think its just a case of a heavy hangover. Its not. Its the devil breathing down my neck.."
No one can make you quit. This is your choice. There's detox and rehab, or AA, AVRT, SMART, Rational Recovery, LifeRing, SOS.......
Pick one, work it well and don't pick up a drink. It can be done, it's not easy, but it can be done.
I wish you well,
"I have hinted many times to my friends even my family that I really, really, REALLY need to quit. But since I am such a happy person, always making sure everyone is having a laugh (in my sober state+ first 10 beer state) they think itsjust the regular "never again"-speech. I mean, its like the boy who cried wolf. Since I dont drink everyday, they think its just a case of a heavy hangover. Its not. Its the devil breathing down my neck.."
No one can make you quit. This is your choice. There's detox and rehab, or AA, AVRT, SMART, Rational Recovery, LifeRing, SOS.......
Pick one, work it well and don't pick up a drink. It can be done, it's not easy, but it can be done.
I wish you well,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: oslo
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Dee74
I used to think that too. These days I get a heck of a lot more out of my life sober than I did drunk
How many days and nights do you not remember, Mr S...how many things with friends and family have you gotten out of because you were ill....how many relationships has you're drinking ruined...how many times have you put yourself in a dangerous situation and later thought 'gee...I was lucky'?
Now I think yes, we only have one life - don't miss it by being drunk
D
How many days and nights do you not remember, Mr S...how many things with friends and family have you gotten out of because you were ill....how many relationships has you're drinking ruined...how many times have you put yourself in a dangerous situation and later thought 'gee...I was lucky'?
Now I think yes, we only have one life - don't miss it by being drunk
D
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